This post is honest and raw, and a picture of just a piece of marriage. My husband is, in my honest opinion, the very best there is. He is loyal, kind, giving, he cleans without me asking for help, he kisses my forehead, he is Prince Charming to our little girl, he is constantly putting himself last and seeking to give me happiness. He completely adores me and our children. But every marriage comes with hurts, disappointments, and mistakes. Even the tiny ones can cut deeper than expected and truly leave an ache. Let there be no mistaking my husband for anything other than the godly man that he is while reading this post about the realness of being married to a human being and being met with disappointments.
He had hurt me, again. The fairy tale marriage just wasn't happening, and even though I had heard it was all a myth, I must have had hidden expectations that it could be real, because the ache in my chest was nearly unbearable. I played the scene over in my head one more time- the truth, the tears, the anger to hide them from him, the yelling, and aching, the running from the conversation. Locked in our bedroom where we get ready for church together each Sunday, cuddle in the sweetness of sleep, talk about having more babies, and act out a love so deep and pure it has made me cry, I am angry and bitter. How could I go from all that to this in the very same room?
I know I have allowed my flesh to react in this situation, and as the anger begins to cool, I know I have to face my actions as well as his tonight. The thought of that makes me sick, and so I pray. Why is it that I pray after I've already taken the reigns and ruined a night that could have been an opportunity for growth, healing, and grace? I always pray just a little too late, and I hate that about myself. Regardless of my human timing, I come to the Lord and ask Him to just speak to me, because I don't know what to say. As the Holy Spirit enters the room, I am drawn to confession- my thoughts, my words, my actions. I caused him hurt because that's what he gave me. God gently places the hard question in my thoughts,
If you were given everything you gave, what would you receive?
This makes me uncomfortable and I squirm, nearly getting up to just get this over with and talk to Brian before I'm ready. I quiet myself again and listen.
You came to me last week and asked for help in being Christ to him.
I imagine what Jesus' reaction would have looked like in my situation, and flinch when I think about mine one more time.
Flesh takes over so suddenly. It's the very first reaction and requires no thought to come into play. Faith and being Jesus to somebody (especially your husband) requires not only thought, but deciding to do so before he offends you. It requires walking with Jesus every step of each day, and keeping grace at the forefront of your heart and mind.
To be your first action, grace must be ahead of your flesh.
Sitting on our marriage bed, I think about what I did in my reaction to the hurt, and I begin to pray against those fleshly thoughts and words, and replacing them with the truth of God's Word and His love for my husband.
You will pay for this mistake.
I am choosing to work through forgiveness for the sake of God's will and this marriage.
I am so angry at you, I don't think I'll ever forgive you.
I am angry right now, but I promised to work on this relationship, so I'm going to calm down and take my heart to God.
Being Jesus is unnatural to us, but that's the point. If it were easy, we would have no need for a Savior, and every marriage would bring glory to God. To stand out, to bring glory, to be different, to not be the half of marriages that end in divorce or the other percentage that are married but unhappy, takes work. It takes a lot of sweat, dedication, keeping promises when he doesn't, focusing on Jesus and what He would have you do rather than on what your husband deserves.
You reap what you sow. Sow forgiveness, grace, and dedication and you will reap it in return. You have God's word.