Our family has a major change on the horizon. We are seeing something we've always talked about coming into fruition, but the process is slow, and patiently waiting for something to happen isn't one of my strengths.
Things were going along smoothly, and then one day, we were following God's leading and He led us into the waiting room, said He would be back, and left us there.
Oh please no. The dreaded waiting room...
I DESPISE WAITING!
I would surely rather shoot my own foot off than be in the waiting room.
I've been here before. It's the waiting that always gets me. I am faithful, I am prayerful, I am walking in step with the Lord, then He brings me into this room, the waiting sets in, and I panic. Once the door to the waiting room closes and there's stillness, my faith loses the battle with my flesh and I start desperately trying to make something happen.
I need something to happen right now.
The waiting makes me cringe.
I like to be in control. I like to be able to see what's happening, what's next. I've discovered this week, between panic outbursts in the waiting room, something crucial about myself. Something debilitating to my walk with God...
I want to be in control more than I want God's will.
And that's what this all boils down to. A heart issue.
When I take an honest look at myself, I can see that I would rather have control and take action right now than be waiting for what God has in store, unsure of His timing.
But faith is hoping and believing in things not yet seen.
It's in the waiting room that faith forms. The waiting room is like an incubator for faith.
I want to be faithful. I want my kids to look back at my life and see a calm, patient, faith-filled woman of God, not a control freak who only had faith until stillness was required. I want to grow, to be better, to be stronger, to be exemplary. But without the waiting room, I won't grow into any of these things. I'll continue to be mediocre, impatient, self-centered, and a slave to my need for control.
And so I'll stop clawing at the walls of this room that I hate. I'll stop complaining and kicking and screaming. I'll stop whining for God to hurry up and come back with what He promised us. I'll wait, because He is who He says He is. His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I'm tired of being in control, it's gotten me nowhere good. I am humbled, quiet, and willing. Grow my faith, Lord... I'm yours.