Ep 049: Staying Positive When Life Knocks You Down

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You know those moments when life is really difficult or when things aren’t going well? Those moments are hard! Let’s not dismiss that. But we don’t have to stay down forever! It is important that we remain positive, that we acknowledge what is happening and what we are feeling, and that we do what we need to do to move forward. If you're in a difficult place, if you’re just really overwhelmed or if you're really having a rough time, I’ve got you! Today I am sharing three simple ways that you can remain positive when life knocks you down. You're going to get over this because you are a doer. You are an overcomer. You are going to push through this and I'm rooting for you!

 
 

In This Episode, Allie Discusses:

  • The difference between inconveniences and life crises.

  • How staying positive doesn't have to be irritating or impossible - it's a super beneficial way to live! But you're also a person with feelings and it's okay to have a tough time when life knocks you down.

  • Why you shouldn’t play the victim or throw yourself a pity party in those moments.

  • The benefit of paying attention to your feelings (Don’t ignore them, don’t discount them, don’t struggle against them).

  • Practical things you can do to stay positive when life knocks you down.

Mentioned in this Episode:

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Unburdened is the overwhelmed beginner’s guide to a simpler motherhood. I walk you through how to stop over-complicating, procrastinating, and just start making positive changes now.

How to declutter, just a little bit – not super deep into it, because you can’t handle that when you are this overwhelmed. How to declutter toxic relationships in your life. How to simplify your calendar. How to start owning your time and not just managing it as life happens to you. How to stop just setting goals and letting them sit there. How to create a cleaning routine that works for you and your life.

This course is a mini-course. It is small. It is straightforward. But it is everything for the mom who feels like she needs a total overhaul but is too overwhelmed to start! 


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


I_ve_got_you_2.png

Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.  I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days.  I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it.  Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and i know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood.  I’m Allie Casazza and this is the The Purpose Show.

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Hey friend! Today I want to talk to you about staying positive when life knocks you down. I really want to address when life is just not going well. When things are just really difficult.

Maybe you're struggling with some depression. Maybe you're not really there yet.

Maybe something really bad happened. Maybe something stressful or scary is going on and you don't really know how things are going to turn out.

Or maybe you're going through marriage problems and you're not really sure exactly what the problem is but it's got you down.

Maybe you're just really overwhelmed. Maybe you're in a time of crisis. Maybe there's a lot of inconvenience going on.

I'm not going to get super specific in what the situation is, what the level of the situation is because I think it's all relative. It depends on you as a person, your personality type, what your threshold for pain is in this life. We all define what a crisis is differently.

I think there are inconveniences and there are “life crises.”

An example of an inconvenience is last year Brian and I were scheduled to go to this Entrepreneur Retreat, across the country. We were really excited about it. We got the kids all packed up and sent them to my parents for three days. We headed to the airport and we were about to go on our way. We got to our first destination, which was a stopover flight at the airport in San Francisco. Our flight was delayed again and again and again, and all this stuff happened to where we ended up not even going on the trip and getting stuck at the airport for 48 hours. It was pretty frustrating. That's an inconvenience. That's not a life crisis.

An example of a life crisis would be your husband lost his job or you found out he is going to have to be let go in a month. You don't know what you're going to do. You’ve got a big house payment and kids and bills and you're freaking out. That's a life crisis. Or there's a death.

See what I mean? People can define “crisis” differently depending on what they've already been through and their personality type.

I think either way, inconvenience or crisis, it's important to know how to stay positive and how to deal when life is kicking you in the crotch, to put it bluntly.

I want to go over some things that I have picked up and learned. This is very surface. I'm not getting super deep into faith and all of that. Of course, if you know me or have been around here for more than two seconds, you know that I'm a Christian and my faith is a major part of my life, how I live and how I handle things. But I wanted to stay practical and sort of surface what can you actually do other than faith-based things.

I found this page in my journal and I had written these types of things down that I've learned over the course of my life going through multiple difficult things, in multiple difficulty levels of things. And it was really helpful. I liked seeing it and I wanted to share it with you.

First of all, I want to say that staying positive doesn't have to be irritating, like Pollyanna Syndrome where everything is rainbows and butterflies, just smile and be happy and it'll all be okay. It also doesn't have to be impossible.

It's easy to think to yourself, “Oh, I'm going to stay positive. When this happens or if this ever happens, I would just be really positive about it.” And then the event comes to your actual life and it feels really impossible to stay positive. I think it's a super beneficial way to live, but you're also a person who has feelings and it's okay to have a tough time.

So, let's talk about what to do, when to give yourself a break, how to set boundaries for your emotions, and when to “give in” and what not to do, if that makes sense.

Number One - It’s really important not to play the victim. Don't throw yourself into this never-ending pity party when things aren't going right - whether that’s something small like the entrepreneur retreat example. or something big like your husband lost his job or your mother just got diagnosed with cancer or you're losing your house.

We've had a situation where we lost a house because the landlord who were renting from lost their house and didn't tell us they weren't paying the mortgage with the rent. That was really difficult because it felt out of our control. It was really unfair and we had to move out pretty much immediately. I had just had my eleven-pound baby so I was not in a great place. And this was also right at the time in my story where I was really overwhelmed and depressed and hadn't really figured out how to simplify yet.

There are things like that that feel like a crisis, but don't throw yourself a pity party, like a never-ending pity party. It's okay to have a quick one.

Think about it. Have you ever known someone who just couldn't get over something? You give them advice, you're supportive, you're positive, and they just don't stop. And it's been way too much time, in your opinion, and they're still not letting it go. They just can't get over it. Eventually you do and everyone else does. And the person is left alone because they've alienated everyone in their own little private pity party.

Everyone's dealing with their own stuff. Everyone's got struggles. I'm not saying don't call your friends and family and vent. I'm saying vent, share feelings. Get the advice you need. Take a minute and then keep it moving in a positive way. Start to take action.

That leads me to number two - take action on the problem. Now. Pay attention to what you're feeling. Don't ignore your feelings, don't discount them. Don't shame yourself or feeling them. Don't struggle against them. Just acknowledge what they are.

I have really learned a lot from the practice of meditation. Simply being still. Being quiet. Thinking nothing. I'm not thinking. I'm not praying. I'm not even thinking about or repeating a thought over and over and over again to myself like a lot of people say they do when they're meditating,

I'm just simply sitting and being. If I have a thought, I acknowledge that it's there and I let it go. Have you ever done that? Have you ever really sat there and just let yourself be and notice how you feel? It's so powerful and so simple to acknowledge your feelings. I would encourage you to do that if you're going through a hard time. That is taking action - paying attention to your feelings, not ignoring them, not shaming yourself for having them, not discounting them or acting like they're not as big of a deal as they are, or fighting against them, but just acknowledging them.

Feeling your feelings. It's super powerful.

Have you ever had a million things to do and you keep fighting to make it work or figure it out? You how they say we’re like computers with too many windows open at once and we're going to crash? Pay attention to your feelings and do what you need to do that best for you. Acknowledge your feelings.

Have you been “in a crisis” and you were really feeling like, “oh my gosh, I'm so overwhelmed?” I got like this again in the time of my life when we were really trying to make ends meet and we had realized at Brian's job that if he only worked the minimum required hours each day we weren't really going to make ends meet. That we could not only make ends meet, but have a little bit of extra money to do a couple of fun things here and there, if he was working a ton of overtime. So, he was always volunteering to take extra overtime. The company did forced overtime for a while and that was good and terrible; good for the money, terrible from the time together.

During those really, really long years of a season of my life, I got like this. I got to the point where I had all these feelings. I had way too many windows open and I was crashing hard. There was no way out because the kids were there. Everything had to keep moving. I was doing everything from dawn till after bedtime by myself. I had all of that on my plate and it was really terrible. It was so hard.

I should have just stopped and paid attention to my feelings, paused, known what I know now, and given myself that space to just feel for a second and asked myself, “What is it that I'm feeling here? I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and feeling like I just can't. Period. I just can't. I don't even know what. I just can't. I'm feeling like I miss my husband and this is not what I thought it was going to be like when we got married. I miss him. I'm feeling really lonely and feeling a little resentful too.”

If I would have let myself feel and acknowledge those feelings, I may have been able to think a little bit clearly about, “Okay, well, what do you want to do? Well, I don't know if this is worth it. I think I want to start to look for a different job. Try to intentionally find a way out. Start praying for a way out of this.” But honestly those thoughts didn't really come to us for years because we were hustling so hard to just get by and get through the next day.

Then the nighttime would come. The kids would go to bed. The silence would hit and I would want to avoid my feelings. I was a “feelings suppressor” to the extreme and I would binge eat junk food, turn on Netflix, ignore my feelings until I was so exhausted I fell asleep. The next day started to my kids tapping me, waking me up, and the chaos began all over again. This was my existence.

No wonder I got depressed, right?

I think giving yourself the space to feel your feelings. Once you feel those feelings, what do you need? Are you tired? Take a nap? Are you stressed? Take a break, take a step back. Take a day, take some time for yourself. Are you overwhelmed? Cut things off or let them go. Disappoint somebody. It's okay. Let it go. Are you worried?

Do you need help? Ask for it. Call someone that you know can relate. Call somebody that you trust, even if they don't live near you and can't really physically do anything. Just call someone. Get it off your chest. Maybe somebody who will give you good advice for your situation. Just do something.

Take some sort of action. It doesn't have to be action that's going to solve your problem, right then and there, but doing something is going to make you feel so much better. Acknowledging your feelings gives them space to make you aware of them, and then you can do something about it. Even if it's just taking a nap. Not an avoidance nap, but an I'm exhausted, I need rest, nap.

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Do you feel like you are barely getting through your days friend? Does motherhood feel more like a hurricane of chaos that you are just surviving rather than the awesome, joy-filled season that you want it to be?

Well, motherhood is hard. I am not going to lie to you about that. While it is servitude and giving to your family from yourself, it doesn’t have to be something that we are waiting to be over. Something that we are counting down the minutes till naptime, or bedtime, or waiting for the next day to start. If you are wanting to sort through the clutter in your mind, your heart, your home calendar, your health, routines, and relationships, I created Unburdened just for you!

It is a guide that will help you go from drowning in the sea of stress and overwhelm, to owning your time and living the best version of your motherhood. So you can live abundantly while intentionally focusing on those who matter most.

Unburdened is the overwhelmed beginner’s guide to a simpler motherhood.

In Unburdened, I will walk you through how to stop over-complicating, procrastinating, and just start making positive changes now. How to declutter, just a little bit – not super deep into it, because you can’t handle that when you are this overwhelmed – but a surface declutter that will get you real results in your house so you can clean up less.

How to declutter toxic relationships in your life and set some good boundaries. How to simplify cleaning, get healthy and feel better – finally!

How to simplify your calendar. How to start owning your time and not just managing it as life happens to you.

How to stop just setting goals and letting them sit there. Start actually defining where you want to go and getting there through reverse engineering and goal-setting.

How to create a cleaning routine that works for you and your life.

This course is a mini-course. It is small. It is straightforward. But it is everything for the mom who feels like she needs a total overhaul but is too overwhelmed to start.

It will help you simplify the things that have you stuck and leave survival mode behind for good.

Is this resonating with you? Sound like you? Does this sound like something that would really help you right now? Go to bit.ly/getunburdened.

I really poured my heart into this little course. I created it for the mom who is really wanting to simplify, declutter, and pursue a life of less, but she is so burdened and overwhelmed with the mess of life. It’s not just her house. She wants to simplify at the surface of all the different things in her life so she can focus on her family more. So then she can focus more on really, truly purging her entire house.

If this sounds like you, I encourage you to check it out. You are probably the person I created it for. I want you in there. I want it to help you.

Check it out.  bit.ly/getunburdened

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Number three is set boundaries for your breaks. Maybe you think, “Okay, I just want to eat whatever I want and let the house go. Stay in bed and not do anything. Skip the kids’ homeschooling for a day and just watch Netflix all day.” But then you're like, “Okay, I really shouldn't do that.” Every once in a while (and I'm giving you permission here, girl, because I've done it myself), do it anyway.

If you can feel like this is what I need, I need a break. I need to rest. I need a day away from the routines and the stress and the go, go, go. I want a day of canceling all these appointments, canceling all this stuff, staying home from work, snuggling in bed with my babies, eating cereal and just watching The Office on Netflix and letting the kids have a tech day. I need it.

Decide that you're going to do that and then give yourself boundaries around that so that you don't end up doing that same thing every day, three months later. Do what you have to do. Let yourself have a day if you need it. Take a break.

For example, you know saying, “I'm going to do whatever I want for a day. I just want to stay in bed. I'm going to stay on the couch. I'm not going to go to the gym. I'm going to eat whatever I want, and then tomorrow I'm going to get back to my routine. Then do that. That's your boundary. Give yourself a day or two days, probably no more than that. And you’re not going to stay there. Set boundaries for yourself.

I'm speaking from experience. What I said is what I used to do. I used to get so overwhelmed that I would fall into a pit.

This is where those of you who have never struggled with depression are probably judging me pretty harshly right now, and that's okay. Those of you who have gone through depression are probably about to cry because you're hearing that I understand exactly how you feel. I'm being really raw and honest with you and that's what I'm here to do.

You are who I'm here to serve with this episode and I just want you to know as you're listening right now that I could just cry for you. You are in such a difficult place and I am so sorry that you are there and I want you to know that it is okay. It's okay to be there. It's okay.

Whether you're in a depressive place or not, it's okay to take a break. But take the break and then get up. Even if it's hard. The only way to get over it is to get through it, so push through it. You can't skip it. You can't fast forward. I know you wish you could. I used to wish that I could fast forward, like that movie “Click.” If I could just fast forward to this one part because I know I won't regret it. The thing is, you will regret it, you would regret it, and you can't do it anyway. You've got to get through it, if you want to get over this hump. So, take a day. Take a break. Let yourself have a no-bra-Netflix-whatever day.

Then stand up the next morning. Set your alarm. Get up and start with one step. Get out of bed.

Next step, brew your favorite brew of coffee and enjoy that cup. Enjoy it hot. Let the kids get their own breakfast. Let them wait a second so you can have a couple of sips of coffee in peace.

Get the kids their breakfast, push play on the audio book you'd been wanting to listen to and have a relaxing day while you do the laundry.

Rinse the dishes after breakfast. Keep the TV off for one day. Listen to an audio book instead.

Step-by-step, step out of this difficult time, this rut that you found yourself in.

I know that this episode is called “Staying Positive When Life Knocks You Down” and maybe none of this really sounds positive, but I know what it is like to be beyond an inconvenient time, beyond stuck at the airport on your way to an entrepreneur retreat. When you're in a time of crisis, when you are in a rut and it's so dark down there, you really don't see how you're going to get out this time. This is staying positive.

Deciding that you're going to take a day, you're going to give yourself a break. That you’re going to just have a “whatever day” and setting boundaries around that one day so it doesn't turn into six months. Deciding that you're tired and you need a nap, and that is the action you're taking today. Staying positive in a time like this. Paying attention to your feelings. Acknowledging that they're there. Being still in feeling those feelings instead of suppressing them. That is staying positive.

That's positive movement forward in a situation like this. Deciding that you're not going to play the victim and you're not going to continue to throw yourself a pity party. That’s staying positive. That's overcoming.

I hope these three steps have been a light to somebody who's really been in a dark time. I have totally been there and I understand.

I'm going to keep this episode brief. I'm going to cut it off here because when you're in a place like that, when you're just really overwhelmed and you're really having a rough time, that's really all you can take – three things. And even that might be too much.

I love you guys. If you're listening to this and maybe you’re emotional, maybe you broke down a little bit, maybe you're just like in awe that this episode found its way to you at the perfect time. I feel you. I know. Even though I don’t personally know you, I know you and know where you're at. I've been there. You will get over this sweet, sweet friend. You will get over this because you're going to work through it. You're not going to let it hold you down one more second longer.

You're going to get over this because you are a doer. You are an overcomer. You are going to push through this and I'm rooting for you. I'm always rooting for you.
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This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend!

See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.

 

Ep 048: Turning Struggles Into Strength with Jessica Rasdall

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We all have been through tough stuff in our life. And sometimes we feel like we are the only person in the world who has ever experienced those tough moments. You normally don’t hear about other people going through those same things. There is beauty is sharing your struggles with others and there is strength that can come from it. Jessica Rasdall is one of those people who has bravely shared her story with the world. She took a moment that could have broken her and turned it into a story that has changed peoples lives. Her message is one of hope and encouragement; you are not alone in your struggles!

 
 

In This Episode, Allie + Jessica Discuss:

  • The impact your story has, even in the midst of the brokenness.

  • How to share the whole story (from brokenness to healing), not just the brokenness. Celebrate the growth and progress you have made!

  • What it looks like to take your story and use it to bring strength to yourself and those around you.   

  • What you give your focus to is what you get more of and what will grow. So where is your focus within your story?

Mentioned in this Episode:

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Want more inspiration than just the podcast? Do you wish there were more episodes?  Do you want videos? Do you want pdf’s? Do you want to really get you started on minimalism and simplifying your motherhood?

In the Supermom Vault,  you will receive replays of my very best online workshops (not available anywhere else), tons of actionable PDF's, downloadable with one click, more than 20 audio & video trainings, and professionally-designed printables for your home to keep you focused & inspired! 


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


I_ve_got_you_2.png

Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.  I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days.  I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it.  Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and i know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood.  I’m Allie Casazza and this is the The Purpose Show.

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ALLIE: Hey beauties! Welcome back to another episode of The Purpose Show.

I'm here with the beautiful, purple-haired friend of mine, Jessica Rasdall.

You do many things. You're a speaking coach. You’re my speaking coach. I have your speaking course. You have an amazing story that we're here to talk about today and you are the author of the book, Shattered, which is what we're really here to talk about.

I just read it. It's so amazing and powerful. It’s not a light read like we were talking about.

I would love for you to introduce yourself and whatever you like about your story. And then we'll dive in.

JESSICA: Thank you so much. I'm so excited to share about this. You know, it’s crazy how many different things I do because that was never really part of the plan. I was super normal. I wasn't a straight A student. Let's not joke around. I was an average student going through school.

I was a freshman. I did have a business scholarship. I wanted to do what everybody else did and what my parents wanted me to do, “Go to a four-year school, get a degree, get a masters, get some corporate job and stay there forever.” That was the plan.

I had known my best friend since I was five years old and the two of us were inseparable. I figured we would be like my mom and her best friend. My mom has known her best friend, Maddie, her entire life and they are the exact opposite, but the closest. And that's how I felt about my friend, Laura.

But my freshman year of college I made a decision that changed everything.

One night we went out. It was just supposed to be a girl’s night out and we ended up drinking. I drove us home. Something happened and we don't really know what caused the car accident, but Laura was killed on impact and I nearly lost my own life.

So, all of these plans and all of these things that I had put on the table, the road that I tried to chart for myself was gone. Everything was out the window and now I was left to figure out what do I do from here? How do I do it without her because I had never done anything in my life without Laura? That was terrifying.

On top of all the medical stuff, the emotional stuff, I was now facing 10 ½ - 15 years in prison for DUI manslaughter.

I couldn't even wrap my mind around that.

So, everything went out the window and it was just a matter of, what do you do next? How do you wake up tomorrow? How do you schedule your next appointment? Or how do you show up at school, at all?

You have all of these different emotions going on. You're going through these stages of grief. There's days where I hated everybody. I was angry and I wanted to point fingers and place blame. There were days where I didn't want to come out of my room and I didn't want to deal with this. You go through so many different feelings and you feel like you're the only person in the world who has ever experienced this. You don't hear about other people going through it.

A big part of me felt like if I never heard of somebody making it out the other side, maybe people didn't. Maybe this was a situation that if you got yourself into it, there was no coming out. There was no coming back from it. And that was terrifying.

I remember being in a Barnes and Noble Bookstore and I was looking for something, anything to tell me, “This is what you do. These are the steps.” I was very logical. I wanted a roadmap. I wanted someone to tell me “this is how you pick up the pieces, how you'd go on” and I couldn't find anything. I broke down in the middle of the store, in the middle of the self-help section.

My mom came up to me, “what are you doing” trying to pick me up off the floor. I told her, “There's nothing here, there's nothing here to tell you what to do next when you take the life of your best friend.” She was so calm and she just pointed at the shelf and said, “Well Jess, why don't you just put something there?”

It was in that moment in the middle of the bookstore, I drew a line in the sand and decided that trying to figure this out had nothing to do with me. This was about something so much bigger. And if I made it out of that car, it had to be for a reason. And even if that reason was just to tell somebody that, “Hey, you could make it through this,” I had to keep going. I had to keep going even when everybody else said I shouldn't, or I couldn't. I had to do it for the person who was looking for a roadmap also. And I was terrified of Laura being forgotten about or being another underaged drinking statistic.

So, I started sharing my story. I started speaking to High School kids, college students and anybody who would listen. I began telling them about the decisions that I made in hopes that they wouldn't repeat my mistake.

I spoke to over 15,000 kids in two years. And then I was sentenced to prison.

That in itself is a whole other story.

But when you come home from that and you're now trying to rebuild again. Because I felt like after the accident it was this moment of figuring out “How do I just make it through this?” And then you “make it through,” so to speak, and you do your time in prison, you come home and now it's another matter of “Now, how do I put this behind me?”

Because now I'm the convicted felon, the murderer, the drunk driver.

ALLIE: I think that like goes on your record and is like in your book you talk about, “Now I have to check that box. Yes. I have been convicted of a felony and it's a big one.” I love how honest you were.

I also didn't want to interrupt you, but I love too that you started to share your story before that chapter of your life was even over. I feel like now I know it is; the whole part about the death, everything. It's done. You finished the prison part, it's all finished. But, you didn't even know. You didn't even know what your sentence was going to look like. You hadn't even gone through that. You immediately started sharing in the middle of your brokenness, which I want to come back to you after you finished sharing.

I just wanted to say I love that part about your story. You glazed over it in the book; like it's nothing that you started right away. I can't even imagine how many tears you choked through while you were trying to talk because it was so fresh. Aside from even sharing at all, the fact that you shared right away is so powerful and so brave. I noticed that in your book and I loved that part of it, that you just jumped right in.

JESSICA: Thank you. I am not a talker. I'm a motivational speaker, but I'm not a talker. I am a doer; I am not somebody who enjoys wasting away my days making plans. If I have an idea, I want to take action on it.

Full disclosure, don't just jump into sharing your story on something that you haven't dealt with. I was going to therapy. I was taking medication. I had a full team of support, but none of that was enough for me. I needed to feel like I was physically doing something with my life. You can't make it right, but that was in a way doing something to give this meaning.

When I came home and started rebuilding the pieces and figuring out what was I going to do from here, I didn't want to talk about it at first. I didn't want to be the girl in the accident anymore. I had no idea who Jessica was because I felt like I had been lost in all of this.

But when I didn't talk about it, something was missing. There was this huge disconnect because, just like you said, I started sharing right away and I was sharing with an open case on the table. I was publicly going out and telling what I had done, even though I was facing 15 years in prison. It's almost as long as I'd been alive. I was only 18.

Now here I was, not the girl waiting to go to prison, but I was now the young woman who made it out the other side and that story had to change. The way that I looked at it had to change. The way that I shared it had to change. The way that it was presented to the world needed to change.

That was a big evolution in my own healing journey because I feel like when we get into the thick of things, when something happens to us or when we make a mistake, we get stuck in that story - the initial story, the one that we have to tell, the one that happens. But as we move through the healing journey, we can sometimes feel obligated to keep sharing that first story and it's important for us to sometimes take a step back and realize, “Am I in the same place when I first crafted that story?”

Has this changed? How have I grown? Do I need to be sharing this with somebody different now? Can other people benefit from it? Because it doesn't serve us to keep telling something that takes us back, if we're trying to move forward. That was a big part with coming home was understanding that the story had to change.

ALLIE: Absolutely. I love that. What happened in your life is so much and so heavy. I don't like to use the word “dramatic” but I don't really know what else to say. It’s not like a light story, like “oh, I used to struggle with this and now I don't.” But, you have so beautifully come out, not only come out the other side but used it as leverage for your purpose.

We were saying before we hit record that you could have let this be a black spot over your life.  Like in the movies when something really dramatic happens in a character's life and they never recovered and that's why they are the way they are. And they get into the backstory and that's the reason that they're so awful, depressed or so stuck.

But you used what happened to you and launched into your purpose because of that. You couldn't be doing what you're doing without that happening is what I mean. And so, I really wanted to have you here and use your story to speak to turning something difficult that has happened or a personal struggle into your strength.

Our audience is mostly mothers, so raising your kids. How can you use that to raise your kids to learn from you and turn that into their strength? Something that makes you what you are and changes the world really. And I just want to kind of hear your thoughts about that and maybe in a general sense so that it can be applied from other people's different struggles other than what you're specifically was.

JESSICA: I know my story's a lot.

ALLIE: It’s amazing, though.

JESSICA:  I thought I'll go talk to a group of few thousand people and share my story and all is great. But when I first started my business and I started helping female business owners craft their own stories, I was terrified because of who am I? Who am I to do this? Those labels stuck with me hard. I was the felon. I was the failure. I was the college dropout. I think that becomes our sticking point - the labels that we allow others to place in us and more importantly the labels that we give ourselves. It's so easy to say little things like “well I'm lazy.” Today, I said I was irritable, but I am. I’m pregnant.

It's so easy to say that we are failures or we're not good enough or compare ourselves to other people. And those things carry so much weight. We can't wait around for somebody else to change that dialogue. It is so important for us to take the time to say, “OK, well maybe I was a little irritable this morning. There’s a lot of hormones running through this body, but I can still take the time to go do other things. Right before we got on this, my daughter and I were in the kitchen making dinner together. Our thing every night is to turn up the music and have a dance party while we make dinner. And it's silly. But that's just our thing together. I don't get frustrated when she empties the dishwasher and the silverware isn't exactly where I want it or dripped water all over the floor.

ALLIE: {laughing} Basically made your life harder.

JESSICA: But it's so easy to be our worst critics and continue to put that on repeat of “I'm the failure” or even worse, “I’m the victim” or whatever that dialogue is for us. Until we can identify it and start paying attention to the things we're telling ourselves or the things we're saying to other people, we can't change that. We can't.

And it's so easy to tell other people. When you're in conversations with others, how are you talking about that with others? If you're talking about your parenting style and getting frustrated with that. Are you talking about being a loving mother or are you talking about being that frustrated mother? What are the things that you are clinging to, embracing, and really identifying. Just saying that “everything is great” isn't enough.

I don't want you to “fake it till you make it,” but we need to make sure that we're paying more attention to the things that we want, other than the things we want to get rid of. Those things that we focus on grow. They grow fast, like weeds. It's so important for us to cling to, even if it only feels like a tiny, tiny little piece, the things that make us proud, excited and want to do more.  

ALLIE:  Yeah. Absolutely. What your giving focus to, what you're speaking to, and paying attention to, is what you get more of.

Just a little example (I think it was episode six) where I talked about my business story, that's where I learned that what I was hounding on – “We’re so broke. We have nothing. It's never going to be easy.”  I got more and more of that because I was focusing on it and kind of just accepting “this is the way my life is. It seems to be in the cards.” That attitude is BS and it has no place in the life of an overcomer.

If you want to be an overcomer, you need to start to focus on, “I am able. I have a really great brain and I can do a lot of good things. I can do something to make the situation different.” Even if you've struggled, even if something awful has happened or you've done something awful, you can overcome that. It's about the story that you're telling yourself. People don't realize how much weight their words hold, I think. I love that you mentioned that.

JESSICA: It is powerful and you know it can be a little difficult. I'd say for my situation, I am hoping that nobody listening to this has ever been through anything like this, but I'm willing to bet that you've probably been through something that at some point made you feel a little guilty. It doesn't matter what it is.

Guilt is a beast. That could be forgetting. I forgot to send Chad’s breakfast to work with them today and I did feel really bad about that this morning. I know it's so silly, but guilt has a way of creeping in and messing up everything.

So for me, I do have really bad survivor's guilt. Here's the kicker though: changing the dialogue is great, but for me it couldn't be for me. And this might sound silly, but doing something for myself, I didn't have that internal motivation. I didn't. At all. Because I would constantly then play devil's advocate and “Well, who am I to deserve that? I should feel this way.” So for me, I had to find something outside of myself to want to improve for and that's really where the whole book concept came from.

I wasn't speaking because I love the spotlight and I love people hearing this painful story. I was speaking because I wanted to make sure someone else didn’t repeat that mistake. Because I wanted to keep Laura’s memory alive. I don't get up and do the work that I do for any reason other than maybe my family or my clients.

And if you're somebody who does struggle with maybe finding that internal motivation, whatever reason that might be, I want to challenge you to look for something outside of yourself that makes you dig deeper.

Because doing something for yourself is wonderful; we deserve it, even on the days we don't think we should. But letting somebody else down, that's a crippling feeling. Nobody wants to disappoint somebody else. And when you can set your actions up in a way that makes you feel like somebody else is depending on you, it just sets this whole new motivation into the mix.
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Hey friend! It’s Allie! Have you heard of the Supermom Vault yet?

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This is definitely the place to go!

Check it out! Alliecasazza.com/allcourses.

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ALLIE: One thing I really wanted to ask you, and I didn't even hash out exactly how it was going to phrase this, so I need to talk it out. How do you go from… let's say whatever the situation is for anybody they have guilt about something. Something has happened in their life or is continuously happening. We used the “yelling” example before we recorded… something as small as that or something as big as what's happened in your life. They struggle with guilt over something and they feel like they're caught in that cycle or in the cycle of the actual thing, like continuously yelling or whatever. Having anger problems, whatever it is. What actionable, tactical steps would they take to get out of that cycle and what should they focus on? What can they physically start to do to get out of that cycle, if that makes sense?

JESSICA: When I was first in the thick of everything, before I ever gave that first presentation, I was stuck. Hard stuck in a cycle of “what if?” What if things had been different? What if I had done this instead? What if I had just made a phone call? It's really easy to get stuck there.

What if I could just get up a little bit earlier? What if I would stop yelling? What if I would just go to the gym? What if? What if? But, we don’t want to take any action on it. We don't always hear the “what if” though. It is this quiet voice. What happened is when I first sat down to write that first presentation, to literally just put my story on paper, everything changed. Now I was no longer allowed to ask the question of “what if?” I had to tell it.

I had to become the narrator of my own story and that gave me the power to decide how I was going to tell it and what was going to happen next. So, I think it's really important to first identify what it is that's happening, because we can make up all these stories in our head. We can dramatize that a whole lot and make it worse than it really is.

Now, I was sitting down and getting down to the facts of “what happened” or “what is happening?” Then, “OK, this is what's going on. Now, what do I actually want from this? What can I be made to change this?” Because until you draw that line in the sand and say, “This is what has been done. These are what the facts are. I don't want it to be like this anymore,” nothing will change.

ALLIE: You answered my next question. That was perfect.

I'm going to link to your book and I want you to talk about that.

If somebody wanted to connect with you can you tell us where to find you and what you're usually on more social-wise.

JESSICA: Yes. I'm an odd one. You can always reach out to me on social media and Instagram is probably the easiest way to get ahold of me.

You can find me at Jessica Rasdall.

Or if you are somebody who's crazy like me and you want to speak, it's The Public Speaking Strategists.

I'll be very honest. I'm not a slave to social media. I might be on there all the time, but I don't share everything. I want to give you that permission to not share everything either. I feel like we're in an age where there's this pressure for “everybody needs to know what I'm wearing today, what kind of coffee I'm having, where I'm going to go get my groceries, what I fed my kid.”

ALLIE: And every inner thought. I was just talking about this with... you know Kendra? It's an entitlement. There's this underlying tone of entitlement from people. And I'm guilty of it too, a little, sometimes. They “follow” you. Even if you're not an influencer per se, just a normal mom using Instagram. “Where did you get that?” And if I don't respond, I'll notice like, “Um, I saw that you didn't respond? I get really want to know where you got that shirt.” It's like… you don't have to know where I got everything. We don't have to share all the time. I totally understand. I love that you said that.

JESSICA: I do want to give you that permission, like heads up! If you don't see me sharing everything, it doesn't mean I'm not there. I'm totally listening and I'm available.

You can reach out to me. Don't expect me to be all-day, every-day telling you what's happening every five minutes, because I just don’t think that's important.

I know as we're talking about the language that we tell ourselves and also with social media, I feel like we're at a place right now where we are at a fine line of “glamorizing” the mess and not the message.

And it's so easy to want to show the piled-up laundry, the sink full of dishes, or complain about all the things that are going wrong, and that my kid doesn't want to go to bed now. That's real life.

I'm not perfect. I'm not going to show you all the stuff in my office.

At the same time, I'm very protective of your input, what I'm giving to you and I don't want to fill your news feed, your ears, your mind or your heart with anything other than a positive message.

So, I'm a big believer in sharing a little bit of what's really going on, but also making sure that I'm delivering something of value to you and there's not always something there. If you don't hear from me, don't freak out. You can just reach out. I'm there.

ALLIE: Yeah, totally. And what is your website? You can find me at JessicaRasdall.com. Super easy to find me.

Or again, if you're crazy and you want to speak, thepublicstrategist.com  

ALLIE: Your stuff is amazing. Before we ever connected on this level, I had shared that I was going through some speaking stuff because I just dread it. It's just a part of my career. It's gonna happen and I'm better now because of you.

Guys, this is who I was learning from. And your course has helped me so much. You're so amazing at that. If you are somebody who needs help with public speaking, this is who you go to. We will link to all of that.

Thank you so much!

Your book is amazing. Her book is Shattered. I will link to it in the show notes. It’s a very short read, but it's not an easy read. So be emotionally prepared because it tells this entire story and all the details of that. And you really did a great job. Like I was saying, you go into a lot of detail, but you get to the point. And there is a point. At the end of every section of the book, there is a point like, “OK, so having said all of that, here's what I learned from this chapter of this story.” And it's very actionable, gracious and honest. It’s just a really, really great book.  

Also parents, it’s something to have on hand. Let your kids read when they get to, what would you say? Early high school?

JESSICA: Yeah. High School. It was definitely very hard to pare down the book, right? Because I have so much to share. I could write a million books about this story.

But for me it was again, what did I need in that bookstore? What was that roadmap I needed? But also trying to figure out where was the balance of getting to speak directly to the person going through what I had been through, but also speaking to somebody going through any kind of struggle. What were the universal concepts? What were the key pieces of the puzzle that I felt like if I could take out any of the extra stuff, anything that would distract, what could get you through the hardest, the hardest times. And what were the things that you could take action on right away?

And it was hard. It was very hard to share some of those parts. There were other parts that it was very hard to cut things out, because they were things that I wanted to say really bad. But, I know that that's not always added value to the reader and that's what's important to me.

I don't care if you liked me; I don't care if you don't like me; I don't care if you follow me, but if I'm not adding value to you and your life, I'm not doing my job.

ALLIE:  Yeah. And that comes across for sure. Definitely a good read for anything difficult and again to have on hand. I'm definitely going to have my kids read it when they get into that high school time. This is real, this is what can happen and does happen way more often than anybody is talking about other than you.

Thank you so much for taking time to be here and sharing a little piece of your story and your wisdom from that. I really appreciate it.

JESSICA: Thank you so much for having me.
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This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend!

See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.

 

Ep 046: How to Pull Out of A Midday "Funk"

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You know that feeling when you fall into a funk midday. Maybe the morning sucked. Maybe it just hasn't been a great day and you fall into this place of “blah.” All you really want to do is eat candy, sit down and Netflix hard. You feel like this and you really don’t know why. As moms, we have things that really need to get done. We have to make sure everything is functioning. We've got a lot on our plates and it's important that we're energized and ready to take it on. But sometimes when we're just not feeling it and if we give in to those feelings, things may fall apart and our family will definitely feel that. I have developed some things that helped pull me out of that midday funk state of mind. Because that's really all it is; it's a state of mind! I am so excited to share my tips with you and hope you find them helpful when you find yourself in a midday funk!

 
 

In This Episode, Allie Discusses:

  • The importance in recognizing that a midday funk is a state of mind and that you can totally do things to change it.

  • How to create a fresh start for yourself in the middle of the day.

  • The control that you have in how you respond to the external things that are outside of your control.

  • Ways you can avoid falling into the temptation of things that don’t serve you well during a midday funk (ex. Netflix, emotional eating, etc.)

  • The freedom that comes from realizing that every single thing about your life right now is just a season. This funk will pass.

Mentioned in this Episode:

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This is one of my favorite free downloads! It's basically a list of the things you can do to pull out of a midday funk.  It has a list of my favorite happy dance songs, a list of my favorite scriptures and affirmations for a bad day, and three links to funny videos if you need to laugh in the middle of a bad day! I really think it's going to help you guys!

 


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


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Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.  I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days.  I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it.  Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and i know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood.  I’m Allie Casazza and this is the The Purpose Show.

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Hey friends! Welcome to another episode of The Purpose Show.

I am going to talk today about that feeling when you fall into a funk midday. Maybe the morning sucked. Maybe it just hasn't been a great day and you fall into this place of Blah. All you really want to do is eat candy (maybe that’s just me), sit down and Netflix hard. You feel Blah and you don't really even know why. You fall into a rut in the middle of the day.

I'm just going to call it a funk, but I think we all relate. We all know what I'm talking about. Maybe there’s a nutrition reason for it, but you run out of energy and feel bummed out. You don't feel like doing what you have to do the rest of the day.

I think most of it is probably just repetitiveness. You have your things to do and you're just doing your mom thing. Maybe you work, maybe you don't. Maybe you're at home or out, whatever. But wherever you are and whatever your lifestyle is, I think sometimes we fall into this place of getting in a little rut. Sometimes they can even last longer than a day.

I want to talk about getting into that midday funk where you feel, “Yuck! I can't go on.” You don't want to do what you have to do. The thought of making dinner and getting the kids homework going just makes you cringe. You just don't even know how you're going to do it. We're going to talk about that today.

I have some things that I want to say first.

First of all, this happens to me still. In the past, I thought that it was because of my lifestyle. You know, I was a stay at home mom. I didn't really have much of an outlet outside of that. My husband, Brian, was working crazy long hours and the day was just so long. I had to wake up in the morning and start the day with the kids by myself because Brian was already gone. Or he would travel for work trips pretty often, so he may have been out of state or something. And then I had to do the entire day - dinner cleanup, baths and bedtime routine, getting the kids in bed, all of it – all by myself. And it was really hard.

There's a lot of other things that are way harder than that. But that was really hard for me, especially in this season that we were in. Financial struggles that were super heavy. Our kids were very young and little and we were in the “having babies” stage of parenthood.

I was often pregnant and tired and it was a really tough time. And I thought it was just because of that.

But, you know, now Brian and I have worked hard for years to get to our version of “an abundant, flourishing life” where he has left his job and we work together every day. We homeschool the kids and our family is together a lot. We don't have to work crazy hours doing something that we don't like or on something that doesn't feel purposeful. Everything is a lot simpler and definitely easier and happier.

But I still get like that sometimes. Doing the same things again and again, no matter what your situation is, no matter what your finances look like, no matter what excess stressors you have on your plate, I think just being a mom and doing the same kind of things throughout your days gets you down.

I developed some things, especially back in the time that I was just talking about of my stay-at-home motherhood, that really helped me cope with that. The fact is stay-at-home mom or not, I have things that are my responsibility. I have things that really need to get done. I am an important person in my family and you are too. We've got things we've got to do. We've got to provide food for the kids. We've got to cook it, we've got to serve it. We've got to make sure everything is functioning. Most moms are the backbones of their families. We've got a lot on our plates and it's important that we're energized and ready to take it on.

Sometimes when we're just not feeling it, if we give in to those feelings and give in to that, “Oh, I'm just exhausted” and we just don't do it, it kinda sucks. Things will fall apart. Our family will definitely feel it.

I definitely think there's some days where you need to throw in the towel, order some pizza, call it a night and go ahead and just relax. Maybe you need to snuggle up with your kids and turn on some Netflix that you can all enjoy. Just sit together and “be”, and let the house go for tonight. I definitely think there's a time for that.

But sometimes you just can't and you really need to suck it up and keep going. That was my situation. It is now still, but especially back in my stay-at-home mom days. It was hard. I needed to keep going and I felt like I couldn't.

So, I developed some things that helped me pull out of that midday blah funk state of mind because that's really all it is. It's a state of mind. And I think that's actually the first thing I want to talk about. If you just realize that the state of mind, it takes away a lot of the power from it. Realizing that this is just how I'm feeling. This isn't actually happening me. It's not a fact or reality. It's just a state of mind where I'm at right now, mentally and I can do something to change it.

Step one, realize that it is a state of mind. Realize this is just how you're feeling and you can totally do things to change it.

Something must have happened, whether it's really blatant and you totally can name it, (well my kid did this, or this broke, this got ruined and that ruined my day), or you can't really name it. You just don't feel great. Whatever it is, realizing that something caused your state of mind to shift to this funky place, that's a really good place to start.

Another tip that I would have for when this happens is changing your scenery. Go for a walk, with the kids if you have to. Pack up the kids in the stroller. Let them get their scooters or bikes or just walk or run in front of you. Get out of the house. Change your scenery. Go for a walk.

Take a drive. That's another really good one. What I always loved about taking a drive is that the kids are strapped into their car seats so it's better than a walk because they're not running around crazy. They can't really move. They're in their seats and that's that. You can blast some music, roll the windows down, let it out, sing, and get out of the house. Feel the wind on your face. Just be out and not have to worry about your kids. Bonus if you have a TV in your car. Turn the TV on for them and just think. Be by yourself. Listen to a podcast with one ear bud in or something like that.

Get out of where you're at, wherever you are. When you're feeling that you've got that mid-day slump happening, get out of it and change the scenery. Go do something else.

I think walking is really beneficial. The act of moving, getting the blood pumping through your legs, getting out and walking is really good, but it can sometimes be more stress than it's worth.

I recently saw that a mom tagged me in a post where she was saying that she was really having a rough day. She wanted to hit the refresh button. She walked around her driveway. She was listening to the podcast and pacing around her driveway because she just needed a break. She needed to get out. She needed a change of scenery. She was having that midday slump and she needed some inspiration. She put the kids down for a nap and she walked around her driveway. I think it's really cool because she took action.

She did what she had to do. She took care of herself and changed her scenery. She knew what she needed and she went and made it happen. Instead of letting it be an excuse, “Well, I'm here with the kids and I can't leave. I can't wake them up. This sucks. I'm just going to watch Netflix.”

She was proactive. She listened to The Purpose Show. She got some inspiration and encouragement. She walked around, but she was still near her kids where they were safe. She fixed her problem.

Sometimes, we just need a change of scenery. We don't realize we have been home all week, all day just doing the same thing again and again. Break it up. Forget the chores. Leave the dishes for a second. Go and change your scenery.

The next thing I want to talk about is how getting into a midday slump is a state of mind.

I want to talk to you about something that's really powerful. I've mentioned this a couple of times elsewhere, but this may be new for you. It's been so powerful for me and every time somebody hears about it, they say the same thing and that it really blew their mind.  

Speaking of state of mind, I think we always get into this place of “Oh, tomorrow will be a fresh start. Tomorrow's a new day. I'll start this diet tomorrow. I will get caught up on the housework. It will be better. I just need to sleep tonight.” Or whatever. We get into this “tomorrow mindset” and that's exactly what it is. Tomorrow has a mindset of its own. Tomorrow has its own state of mind. Who's to say that you can't just “borrow” the state of mind of “tomorrow” and create that fresh start for yourself anytime you need it.

Have a fresh start in the middle of the day. You can create that for yourself. The sun does not have to set and then re-rise for you to have a fresh start. You can take the mindset of tomorrow and have a second start of your day right in the middle of the day. I used to do this all the time. Sometimes I still do. It's super helpful.

What is it about tomorrow that gives you a “fresh start” state of mind. How can you capture that? Maybe you get the kids busy for a second and you go sit in your closet and just breathe deeply. Say a prayer. Think about all that’s happened during the day that's made it a totally sucky day and let it go. Look at it, acknowledged that it happened, and then just let that issue go.

Stand up. Shake yourself off. Put a little more mascara on. Go downstairs and get your stuff done because it is a new day because you needed to be a new day and you're calling it. It is a new day. I have a fresh start. You're taking that mindset of tomorrow's fresh start and implementing it now when you really need it.

I was talking to my mom about this before I recorded this episode. We were having this conversation back and forth about when you get in that midday slump as a mom, especially when your kids are young. She was talking about something else I think is really powerful and that is realizing that you can't really control what's going on on the outside. I mean, in some ways you can, but not really. But you have complete control over what's going on inside of you and what your response to things is.

I know that may sound a little cliché and kind of annoying when you're having a hard day. “You have full control over how you're responding to this.” It can be really irritating. But really, that's empowering and doesn't have to be irritating. It can be super empowering and encouraging. Realize that this day has not gone very well. This happened. That happened. Those are all things that I didn't have control over. Maybe you did and you can realize that. If your child is having a meltdown or something tipped over and broke, you can't control those things. They already happened.

You can control how you respond. You don't have to let it upset you. You can talk yourself “off the ledge” so to speak. I think a lot of these things are realizing this is just a state of mind. This is how I'm feeling right now. This isn't my actual reality. This is how I'm feeling right now.

These things going on are outside of my control. I can only control my responses. I'm going to choose to respond positively. You know what? This has been a totally crap day. We’re going to bag it, throw it out and hit the restart button right now. It is now a new day starting now. Then, move forward and continue to stay in that mindfulness and that place of positive responding no matter what else happens during your day.

Then also realizing that this whole thing is temporary. Every single thing about your life right now is just a season. Your marriage will shift and everything will ebb and flow, so if you're having a hard time and it is a bad state in your marriage, it will change.

Things are always changing. Your kids will get older. Things will get easier in some ways and harder in other ways. Everything about your life is just a season. I think we get so caught up in the little bubble of our current reality that we burn out. We forget that there is a much bigger picture, a much bigger world, a much bigger purpose happening here. As much as today might suck, it is totally temporary. Everything about our life right now is just a season and it's going to shift.

What are the good things about this season? What can you choose to enjoy? What can you be acknowledging that this is a season and then be super grateful for that and dreaming of the day where you can let it go, like maybe you’re potty training or something like that. Just that realization can be really huge.

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Hey friend! It’s Allie! Have you heard of the Supermom Vault yet?

The Supermom Vault is a library of inspiration I created for you. It holds replays of my very best online workshops that aren’t available anywhere else, tons of really actionable pdf’s that are downloadable with just one click, more than 20 audio and video trainings from me, and professionally designed printables for your home to keep you focused and inspired.

The Supermom Vault is only $39.00 and is available at alliecasazza.com/allcourses.

Check it out! It’s a really good simple start.

Want more inspiration than just the podcast? Do you wish there were more episodes? Want more details? Do you want videos? Do you want pdf’s?  Do you want to download things and get your hands on something to really get you started when it comes to minimalism and simplifying your motherhood?

This is definitely the place to go!

Check it out! Alliecasazza.com/allcourses.

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Another thing I want to say is find the funny in whatever is happening. I love to do this. I don't really think of myself as a very funny person, but I love to laugh. I only watch funny TV shows. I love to laugh. I love making other people laugh. I love being sarcastic and getting people to see the irony in things and just make them giggle. I love it.

A lot of the time if you are having a totally bad day, stop for a second and look around. Maybe your toddler's running through the house and he doesn't have any pants or underwear on. That's special. How did that even happen?

Maybe your baby woke up from his nap. He had gotten into his diaper and there's poop smeared all over his crib. There's Cheerios spilled downstairs. You haven't done the laundry in a week and everything is completely crazy.

Just stand there and legit crack up at the reality of your life. Honestly, motherhood is so hilarious. There are so many things that are just taken as normal because it's “mom life.” If you really stop, stand back and look at it, it is so freaking funny. Laugh at whatever is happening, if you can at all. Laughter is the best medicine, right?

If you have a little humor, it makes you such a good mom. Laugh if you can at all. Look at the funny and find it in whatever is happening around you.

And then I also want to say, OK, this is big for me, like preaching to myself here. Whatever you’re tempted to do when you're in a mid-day slump or you're finding yourself in that weird, yuck, blah, funk state of mind, it probably doesn't serve you.

So for me, I'm always tempted to emotional eat. Emotional eating. Grab some junk food, candy or something that's not good for me. Then plop on the couch, watch Netflix and let the kids go play. That sounded bad like a terrible mom, but you guys know what I mean?

Basically, you're avoiding problems. Look at the situation. If you feel really “Yuck! I just can’t do this day. I don't know how I'm going to go all the way till bedtime by myself. I just can't do this. I'm just so done. I'm so exhausted. What is it that you are tempted to do? Is it to binge eat? Is it watching Netflix? Is it to avoid your problems? What is your natural reaction? Don't do that.

Realize what it is. Realize what you actually want. You want to avoid your problems and just start over tomorrow. You also want an endorphin rush. This is what has helped me with emotional eating, which I'll talk about another episode. But what you really want is an endorphin rush.

When you give into emotional eating, when you plop down on the couch, ignore all the stuff, veg out, and turn on Netflix, you're giving yourself an endorphin rush. If that's what your body needs right now because it's just feeling blah, how can you get that in a productive way?

I'm going to say something here, so if you've got littles listening turn it down or something, but there are a couple ways to get an endorphin rush when you really need it.

First of all, eat something healthy instead and drink a butt-load of water.

Go for a run even in your house. Do high knees and jog with high knees through your house. Your kids will think you're psychotic and they'll get a kick out of it. You get that exercise endorphin rush.

Sex. You can have a nooner, go for it girl. You do you.

Get that endorphin rush in a way that is going to be protective, helpful and serve you because that's what it really is.

Realizing… What I am tempted to do right now is (insert whatever you're tempted to do).

Using my examples. For me, I just want to be, “I'm starving. I'm done. This day sucks. I don't have the energy to do this day. I just want to go and get Del Taco for everybody for dinner so I don't have to cook, binge eat a Burrito and fries and then turn on The Office on Netflix. Let the kids play in the backyard and just forget everything else I need to do today.” I'm avoiding my problems and I want an endorphin rush because I'm feeling blah.

Turn it around on its head. How can you get that in a productive way? If you need to take a cat nap, take a nap. Set a timer for 25 minutes. A 20-minute nap is scientifically proven to really help you in the middle of your day.

Actually, if you like coffee, drink a cup of coffee and then take a 20-minute nap and that is apparently like a powder keg of re-energizing yourself. I do it all the time and it really works. Do that.

Take care of yourself; I'm not saying to just plow through. But look at what you're really wanting in the “psych part.” What do I really need here?

Find a healthier way to get that.

So I can't believe I said nooner on my podcast. Can we just acknowledge for a second that I said that?

Anyway, you guys can see what I mean. You can turn this around any way you want. If you wanna just take a walk. If you need to work out. If you need to do Yoga. If you need to turn on some loud music and have a dance party. Find a way to get the endorphin rush. Find a way to avoid your problems temporarily and then come back to it through a nap or something.

Look at the heart of what it is that you are tempted to do because this day is not going well. Look at why you want to do it and then find a better way to get that.

The dance party example leads right into my next tip, which is call a total time out with your kids. Blast the happiest music you can find and have a living room dance party.

This seriously, feels like the last thing you want to do when you're in a midday funk, but it's so good for you. It's so good for your kids. It's so good for you guys as a family. “You know what I am just calling a timeout. Guys, this day is not going well for us. Everyone's attitude is just in the tank. We've got a lot to do. Mommy is tired and cranky and I want to go get a Burrito, but I shouldn't do that. So, we're going to turn on some good old- fashioned vintage Taylor Swift and we're going to have a dance party and go for it.”

I actually created a really fun free download for you guys that goes with this episode. In it I list my favorite living room dance party songs. So, if you need suggestions, you can find them there. And I'll tell you guys where to find that at the end of this episode.

So anyway, super fun. It really helps. You’re getting that exercise and you're getting an endorphin rush. You can feel it. If you guys have Alexa in your house, turn her all the way up to volume 10 and ask her to play your favorite dance party song. It just reverberates in the whole house. It's super fun. It's just so freeing. So good. It's a really good break in the day. Super fun. Just know it's totally normal if you're like “this is literally the last thing I feel like doing right now.” Do it anyway. It's good for you.

The next thing I want to say is maybe a little bit more practical. Look at your to do list and take something off of it. For example, maybe you can order out instead of cooking; just get something healthy, if you are a binge eater.  

Simplify whatever you can about your day. Look at it. What really has to get done today?

I just did this yesterday. I was coming off a really productive week. Then I had a restful weekend. My Monday was going OK, but I just felt blah around 11:00 AM. I still had to homeschool the kids. I still had seven big work tasks to knockout and it wasn’t going to happen. I looked at my to-do list and I found three things that just really didn't need to be done that day. And I let them go. I pushed them to other days. I took a coffee nap and I did the other things and it was fine.

So how can you do that? Is there anything that does not absolutely have to get done today? How can you simplify your to do list? If there's nothing, then find a way to simplify the things that have to happen.

Take the dinner example, you have to feed your family. You can't let that go. Right? But you can simplify the way it's done though. You can let them have a cereal night. You can order take out. You can go out to eat. Find a way to simplify what it is that's left for your day.

The next thing is read scripture or positive affirmations or words to literally change your mentality in the moment. You guys know if you've been around me or listen to the show for more than two seconds, how big I am on the power of what you think and what you say.

Use this to your advantage. Again, in the download that goes with this episode, I've got a list of a few of my favorite things to read or say out loud when I get like this. Use it.

Read powerful scripture.

Come up with something positive. “This is just a state of mind. It's just how I'm feeling. This isn't a reality. My reality is abundant. Look at these precious babies around me that are making me want to go crazy and lay in the street until the bus comes by. They're beautiful people though and I love them. This life is so good. I'm just overwhelmed right now.”

Speak life and call it like it is. Change the story you're telling yourself about your situation.

The last thing that I used to do, still do and would encourage you to do when you're in a midday slump is watch a funny video for a minute.

It's a total mood lift. Again, I’m linking to my favorite ones in the free download in the show notes. Oh my gosh. There is this one where, oh my gosh, you just have to go see it. There are a handful of videos that I have saved on my YouTube app on my phone. I will literally go and just open it up and watch one of those. Total mood lift. It's hilarious.

If you can't find the funny in whatever's going on in your life, find the funny somewhere else. Watch a video that just makes you crack up every time. Everybody has videos that they think are extra, super hilarious, but nobody else really gets. Find those and save them for yourself. Save the links to those videos in your notes app on your phone for easy access. Find a way to laugh and give yourself that happy that you need today.

OK, so this download that goes with this episode is one of my favorites. Don't be offended by what I titled it. I had to. It works and it’s perfect and amazing.

The next time your day totally goes to hell in a handbasket, look at this list. It's basically a list of the things that I told you today in the podcast. I know that you listened to the podcast and it's encouraging and inspiring, but then you kind of forget about it.

It's a printed out list of all the tips I gave you. It has a list of my favorite happy dance songs, a list of my favorite scriptures and affirmations for a bad day, and three links to funny videos if you need to laugh in the middle of a bad day. It's totally free. Just click the button and get it there. It's great. I really think it's going to help you guys.

I hope that you all feel like you are not alone when you get into that mid-day slump state of mind. It's so normal. We all get like that. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is and do what you can to respond to it better instead of wishing that you didn't struggle with that. Or beating yourself up for feeling blah when you have such a great life. It's OK. We all get like that.

I really hope this helps you guys and be encouraged. I love you guys. I love sitting here and talking into my microphone encouraging you.

I will talk to you next time.

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This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend!

See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.

 

EP 045: Body Confidence with Jenna Kutcher

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We often look at the media and other people to tell us what we need to be and how we need to look. But in doing that, we create this false narrative in our minds that we aren’t enough, that our bodies aren’t beautiful, and that we aren’t worthy. And these narratives are far from the truth! We should be confident in our bodies … they can do incredible things! Body confidence isn’t just waking up one day and being like, “I am perfect, I am whole, I am complete.” It's really looking at those limiting beliefs that we've had in our brain and paying attention to that dialogue that we're having with ourselves every single day. Body confidence is about honoring your body, fueling it and not punishing it.

Jenna Kutcher is an entrepreneur, wedding photographer, and uses her social media platform to discuss personal things, like marriage, body image, and more. She recently went viral for a vulnerable and honest post about her own body confidence journey. She is amazing at wearing what she wants and not what other people think she should wear based on her size. She's beautiful, confident and I hope she inspires you on your own journey to body confidence.

 
 

In This Episode, Allie + Jenna Discuss:

  • How to find balance between loving ourselves and our bodies and still keeping the motivation to be healthy and make positive changes.

  • Embracing the seasons where you aren’t as confident in your body (ex. postpartum).

  • The value in accepting your body for what it has done for you and loving it for that.

  • How to love the body you have instead of focusing on the body you want.

  • Ways we can encourage others to be confident and love their bodies.

Mentioned in this Episode:

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Want more inspiration than just the podcast? Do you wish there were more episodes?  Do you want videos? Do you want pdf’s? Do you want to really get you started on minimalism and simplifying your motherhood?

In the Supermom Vault,  you will receive replays of my very best online workshops (not available anywhere else), tons of actionable PDF's, downloadable with one click, more than 20 audio & video trainings, and professionally-designed printables for your home to keep you focused & inspired! 


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


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Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.  I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days.  I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it.  Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and i know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood.  I’m Allie Casazza and this is the The Purpose Show.

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Hey friends! I am over the moon excited to share today's guest with you. Jenna Kutcher is an inspiration to me. She is one of the very, very few podcasters and people who I pretty religiously follow online. I listen to her podcast. I've listened to almost every episode and I really can't say that about anyone else. I'm pretty picky with who I really follow and I just love her. She's such a light in this competitive, unkind world and I really respect her.

I wanted to have Jenna on the show to talk about our body image, loving ourselves, and treating ourselves well. Jenna is amazing at wearing what she wants, wearing what she feels good in and not what other people think she should wear based on her size. She's beautiful and confident and she's such an inspiration.

This episode is really, really great and I'm so excited to share it with you.

So, let's dive in!

For those who don't know Jenna, she does a lot of things. She mostly talks about business and that's why I mainly follow her. She talks about marketing and running your online business really well. If you're doing that, are aspiring to do that, she's a great person to follow.

She's also a wedding photographer. She takes beautiful photos.

She speaks very pointedly and beautifully about personal things, like marriage, body image and all of that. So, let's dive in to talking about body image with Jenna.

ALLIE: Hi Jenna! Welcome to The Purpose Show! Thank you so much for taking time to be here.

JENNA: Thanks for having me, Allie!

ALLIE:  We're going to dive right in because I've got a load of questions for you from my Instagram audience and I really am curious to hear your answers.

You talk about a lot of things, but we're here to talk about body image. Specifically, self-love and getting over that self-consciousness that I think especially circulates around this summer season.

You have said that you struggled your whole life with your weight and insecurity surrounding that. I know myself and many of our listeners can definitely relate. Can you tell us a little bit about what exactly that has looked like for you over the years?

JENNA: When I was three years old, I started as a gymnast and my entire childhood was wrapped up in the sport of gymnastics. Unlike normal girls, I would go to school and then I'd get picked up off the bus and I'd go practice until 8:30 at night. We were really in it; it was intense and amazing, and it was probably my best memories ever.

So, growing up I was a very structured girl. I worked during lunch to get my homework done because we didn't have time to do it at the gym. I ate my meals at the gym and that gymnastics group was like my family.

From a very early age I was very aware of bodies because here we are in these Lycra leotards every single day being told to point our toes and suck in our guts. And we're tiny. We're just these tiny little humans.

When I was about 15, I had a bunch of foot injuries while being a gymnast that sidelined me. And it was like my body caught up to all of the years of working out. While I was in a cast, I gained weight. I got boobs. I got hips.  

I went back to the gym after I had healed and suddenly my feet could touch the floor from the balance beam and I realized I had grown a lot in a very short amount of time.

I remember being a kid and really watching the way that my mom ate.

She did Weight Watchers all the time where she would cook our family a dinner, but then she would just eat a little bowl of cottage cheese. I realized that we, as women, are supposed to be different. We're not supposed to eat the way other people eat.

It was never intentional. My mom is amazing. But seeing her constantly on a diet created this idea that we need to be dieting. So, when I caught up with my body, got boobs, got hips, got my period, finally, when I was 16 ½, I realized, “Holy crap, I need to control my body. I want to be skinny again. I want to get back.”

Following my gymnastics career, I became a diver. I dove through all four years of college. Again, I was stuck in spandex every single day of my life with my body on display. Going to college, I gained a lot of weight and it just was such a struggle.

Looking through the last 10 years of my life, I believed that lie that you have to “shed for the wedding.” I was so tiny on my wedding day, I remember barely eating before it and then being so excited about my honeymoon because I could eat again.

A lot of these unhealthy behaviors followed me into my twenties. I think that when you're a kid you're like, “Someday I'm going to figure this out and this is going to be normal and I’m not going to be dieting and I'm not going to have disordered eating.” But I think that as women it follows us as long as we let it.

When we were married for about five years, we decided we wanted to start a family. That really started my journey with my body because we suffered through two miscarriages, two in two years.

And I hated my body. I was so mad. I was blaming myself for the loss. I thought I did something wrong. That was when I really disconnected from my body intentionally because it didn't feel like home anymore.

The last two years have been so hard, but they've also been probably the most healing years because I've really had to pursue that relationship and what it looks like. I've decided to share that journey with the world, which for better or for worse, has been an adventure. It’s something that I feel is never a destination that I'll reach, but something I'm working towards.

ALLIE: Yeah. I love that about you. We were talking a little before we recorded about some of the comments and messages that we see. It's like, “Okay, what is going to happen if I share this thing, this big controversial thing I'm going through?” I respect you for that so much.

I want to say when you were talking about disconnecting from your body intentionally, I love that you admitted that. For my own self, I've had miscarriages as well, but with my children being born, they all - no matter how much I tried - I did so many things to try to have natural deliveries and I ended up with cesareans for all four of them. And there's this war that you may find, soon, that is this war of womanhood and strength that “I did it and it was so beautiful and empowering” and I'm just kind of here like, “okay.”

I really beat myself up for not being able to. I mean, getting sawed in half is hard to, but I'd beat myself up. I definitely disconnected from my body after the third time and I got depressed. I really had a hard time with what my body had failed to do and it felt like it betrayed me. I feel like that's kind of in the same wheelhouse as what you were describing. What's wrong with me if you're not gonna do what you're supposed to do?

I stopped taking care of myself. I just didn't care anymore. Recently, over the last maybe couple of years, it's been this journey of “Well, what would happen if I accepted my body, loved it and took good care of it instead of worrying, obsessing? I just love that you exude that.

You recently went viral for your Instagram post, which I understand. I’ve shared it and you’re probably tired of talking about it. It was about being married to this super muscular fit, health-conscious hubby of yours, and that for a while enhanced your insecurities in a lot of ways. Can you tell us a little bit about that part and how you've overcome that and where you're at now?

JENNA: My husband is awesome. He's so freaking handsome and we've been together for the last 10 years. The crazy thing that I think of is we met in our teens and now we're 30 and to see the different journeys we've been on, both together and separately, has just been crazy. My husband kind of got coined the term within our friend group as “Mr. Six Pack,” which is hilarious because he's so much more than just the six pack. But it's true. This man has abs for days.

And so, one thing that I've really struggled with is I went from being an athlete my whole life to not knowing where my identity lied. Then my identity got wrapped up in being this business owner, which means sitting behind a computer for long days and really glorifying that “busy.”

I look at my husband and the way that he treats his body, the way that he works out, the way that he prioritizes and I don't have that strength. I will not eat a Kale smoothie for breakfast no matter what you put in it. And so, I've always felt this guilt around it because he is just so routinized and so clear on what he wants and what he does. And I feel like I'm that way with my business, but I'm not that way with my health.

And so, when you put your life out there - and for us, we are in Hawaii part of the year living in swimsuits - I write this narrative in my head that, “you are not worthy to be with this man.” I tell myself that as we're walking along the beach, people are judging me and wondering what he sees in me.

And these are all narratives that are not true. People probably don't even glance twice at us. But I think that all of us as women can relate, that we're telling ourselves these stories that are the worst stories we've ever been told. And we're living in these narratives that are just cycling over and over and over again until we really believe that that's our truth.

And so, when a stranger slid into my DMs and brought up that question of, “why do you deserve a man that looks like that?” it just brought everything back to me of the story that I've been telling myself. It tricked me into thinking that if she's thinking that, how many other people are thinking that?

When I posted about it, I truthfully didn't think anything of it. I like to call out the haters, and just really shed some truth and spread some grace for people that like to slide into DMs. So, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

But what I think became of it is that so many women, whether we're telling ourselves that we're not worthy because of the amount of money he makes or the way he looks, or the way that he provides, or whatever that story is, we can all relate on some level of just not feeling worthy.

Going viral is the craziest experience of our lives. It was something you cannot prepare for and cannot prepare for the aftermath of it.

All in all, we're really thankful that it was a positive story with a positive look at marriage because I think that our culture really needs it.

ALLIE: I want to know how you would answer this question that came in when I poled everybody, which I love. And it was, “How do we find that balance between loving ourselves and our bodies and still keeping the motivation to be healthy and make positive changes because, sometimes the fact is you just don't feel very good, and you want to make those positive changes without getting super down on ourselves. How do you kind of balance that?

JENNA:  I love this question because I think that one of the biggest misconceptions about body positivity is that you’re content or complacent and I don't think that body positivity is either of those things. What I've worked so hard to do is to honor my body, fuel it and not punish it. I think that for so long I looked at working out as this way to punish myself for the food I ate or for the exercise that I didn't do. I looked at food not as fuel, but either as a coping mechanism or a way to hold myself back and prove that I have self-control.

It was this really unbalanced relationship with both and becoming kind of a figure in the “curvy world,” which I'm a size 10 so I'm really not plus size and I'm really not that straight size. I'm very in the middle.

I want people to know that just because I'm in this place of being a curvy woman, I am still working to be the healthiest version of myself.

When we went through our fertility stuff, I had to eliminate gluten from my diet. I had to watch caffeine. I had to make a lot of lifestyle changes. But when I was looking at them it wasn't as a diet, it was, “How can I fuel my body in a way that actually gives me energy,” and kind of changing all of that.

I think that there is a way to love yourself just as you are. I think deep down in our guts we all know what the best version of ourselves would be like, what that homeostasis feels like, when we feel most energized. I think that we all need to move towards that and not a number on the scale or a number on our pant size.

ALLIE: Yeah, absolutely. I love that. And I think too, accepting your body for all that it’s done for you. Even if there have been “failures” or “disappointments” like miscarriage and c-sections and things not going the way you wanted. Besides from having babies, even health stuff.

I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 17 and that was the first time I remember feeling like, “Well, this sucks.” Surgeries and needed things like that just accepting it and thinking, “Okay, how can I respond to what my body is telling me that it needs in a way that will fuel it and energize it, instead of just hating on it.” It's so sad how natural that is though, how natural it is to go that way.

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Hey friend! It’s Allie! Have you heard of the Supermom Vault yet?

The Supermom Vault is a library of inspiration I created for you. It holds replays of my very best online workshops that aren’t available anywhere else, tons of really actionable pdf’s that are downloadable with just one click, more than 20 audio and video trainings from me, and professionally designed printables for your home to keep you focused and inspired.

The Supermom Vault is only $39.00 and is available at alliecasazza.com/allcourses.

Check it out! It’s a really good simple start.

Want more inspiration than just the podcast? Do you wish there were more episodes? Want more details? Do you want videos? Do you want pdf’s?  Do you want to download things and get your hands on something to really get you started when it comes to minimalism and simplifying your motherhood?

This is definitely the place to go!

Check it out! Alliecasazza.com/allcourses.

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ALLIE: I think we understand like the idea of accepting your body for what it's done for you and loving it for that, but what does it look like to actually do that? To change that narrative? I almost think of it like affirmations. It feels kind of funny to stand there and say, “I am beautiful. You look great girl.” How do I actually do that?

JENNA: Well I think something that I struggle with in the body positivity movement is that people are trying to sell it like it’s this sweater you can buy and put it on and suddenly you feel great. But for those of us who are being warriors in this, it is choices every single day, and a struggle every single day.

To be honest, I think it is the hardest journey I've ever been on, harder than building a business or suffering loss. Choosing to really figure out “What does coming home to my body look like?” And then “How do I choose that every day?”

Even today I was on a walk with our dogs. I haven't been working out like I normally have and I looked down at my legs and I thought, “These legs are strong; they are carrying this.”  

For me it's been a lot of dressing for the way that I am right now, not the way that I want to be or the way that I should be. Getting clothes that I feel good in and that I'm not hiding in. That has been huge. I think that so many of us hide or we try to hide these areas of our body.

When I started to look and say, “I want to feel good, therefore I need to buy clothes that make me feel good and clothe myself in them.” That's been a big thing. I think not looking for other people's approval in that and doing the hard, inner work that's necessary to get there.

One of my friends Erin, she runs the account, Raw Beauty Talks. It's an awesome account if you're looking for body positivity. She does some online coaching with women. When we went through our second miscarriage, she said, “I feel called that I need to work with you. I really want to give this gift to you.”

I think it was eight weeks, once a week, we would get on the phone and we would talk about things. How do I feel after I binge eat and what are some of these issues that I'm having? Every week I would bawl my eyes out because it was things that were tied so far back in my life that I just haven't wanted to deal with.

And so, I think that with body positivity, it's not just waking up one day and being like, “I am perfect, I am whole, I am complete.” But it's really looking at those limiting beliefs that we've had in our brain and paying attention to that dialogue that we're having with ourselves every single day.

Even today. I put on a Bra. It was too tight. I felt suffocated. And I was like, “Oh my God, I can't do this! Can I go braless? What's going to happen today?”

It's so funny because you have to retrain yourself and say, “It's not because I'm fat; this is my body. I just need to choose something better.” And change those conversations.

But man, it is hard and it is not something you can buy. And it is a choice that you need to dig into some of that hard stuff that you've buried in order to get to where you want to go.

ALLIE: Yeah, absolutely. I've had a hard time with this. I wanted to bring it up because I'm with you. I wouldn't do this with anyone else. I was raised very Christian modesty – “modest is hottest” was the mantra.

I don't need to get into the whole thing. I see the value in that and especially as a teenage girl. But there's this type of swimsuit that I have been wanting to wear so badly and it's super cute. I bought one when I was not taking care of myself and I bought it in a size smaller because I know my “normal” when I'm not binge eating, and it fit and I'm so happy that I got there.

I was going to San Diego for a work trip and I told myself, “I'm going to bring the suit and I'm going to do it. I'm going to put it on. I'm going to feel confident.” It was a one-piece that goes down the upper midriff. I was so excited and I felt so good in it. I thought, “I'm not gonna worry about my thighs touching and rubbing. I'm so excited.”

I felt so beautiful! And right away somebody did an Instagram story and I was in it. I got tagged and then I immediately received a message from somebody and they said, “I just want you to know that I'm unfollowing you because you're a fellow Christian and you’re being so slutty and immodest and embarrassing.” And I went into myself like, “Oh my gosh.”

And I was going on Instagram to check something while I was out at the pool with my friends and I saw it there and I just was like, “Oh my gosh.”

It just broke me.

I don't even know what my question is here, but what would you have to say about the way women talk to each other? I know that that must have come from something in her, and not about me because “you do you” and like, “leave me alone?” If you don't like that, then don't wear it.

It was this shaming and the way she said it. The words she used were so cutting. And it really brought me down. I'm over it now, but at the time it just sliced me.

What can we do to encourage others and how can we change this? Do you know what I mean?

JENNA: Oh yeah. I had somebody a while ago say, “We talked about you at our Bible study and we don't believe you're a real Christian because no real Christian would show up online in a bra and underwear that is only for your husband.”

It’s things like that where especially when faith gets pulled in that it's like, “Holy cow, this is way deeper than just calling somebody fat or whatever you want to do.”

But for me it's been this journey of understanding that I have a very limited amount of energy and where can I put that? People don't talk about it, but if you get one bad comment and a thousand good ones, you will remember verbatim that bad comment for the rest of your life. We remember things from our childhood that we hold on to. That’s the way that our brain works because it's something we think we should fix.

Going viral, our bodies are talked about. My marriage is talked about. My husband is talked about. Our lives are being talked about by people who don't know us, who don't follow us, who don't care about our mission.

But I think too, it was so cool. Yesterday I posted something on Instagram and all these people are commenting on it. Then all of the comments started becoming this encouragement factor of other followers encouraging other followers.

We have to lead by example. I think that as women we're taught that other women are competition. For me, I check out more women than I check out men, and I'm a straight female, because I'm constantly sizing myself up against them. “Oh, my arms are bigger than hers, but my waist is smaller than hers” because that's what we're taught.

We look at magazines; we look at advertisements. We look at the way that the media tells us what we need to be.

When it comes to women cutting other women, I always respond to those. I know you shouldn't. I know you should let the haters hate. But to me, there is something deeper going on and it's my job to say, “I recognize that you're hurting because you're trying to hurt me and I just want to pray for you.”

Sometimes people turned it around and some are like, “nope, still hate you,” and you're like, “all right, letting you go.”

I think that we, as women, we carry so much baggage.

When I was working with Erin, she asked me, “Which parts of your body hurt?” I said, “My shoulders are really sore.” And she said, “It's because you're carrying so much weight.” I think that we have to learn how to remove those bags and really figure out what's worth carrying with us.

It's generally not those comments, but hey, that is some freaking hard work that nobody talks about.

ALLIE: Yeah, for sure. It's enough to make you want to think maybe this whole blog thing isn’t worth it. Pack it up; I’m done. It's so terrible.

And like you said, when the faith is brought into it, it’s invasive and incredibly hurtful.

My last question for you is in the realm of motherhood and what our bodies go through. On your personal note, you've had miscarriages. You're currently pregnant. Your body goes through so much, no matter how far into the pregnancy you get. With whatever changes you've seen in yourself, how do you mentally, I guess, treat that type of change? Because it's really out of your control, but it changes it so much. What is your mindset with that?

JENNA: Both times we were pregnant and miscarried, we made it to 10 weeks. I was so angry because in a year's time I'd been pregnant for 20 weeks with nothing to show. And ya’ll know, the first few weeks suck. I was so frustrated. I gained weight. My boobs were fluctuating like crazy. I was angry because I had gone through all of this. Then you have the physical reminders of what is no longer. It was this battle of up and down, and up and down.

Now that we're pregnant again and I have been so sick and so it's been really hard. And the thing that drives me bananas about this is I am so thankful, but this has been hard.

And as somebody who loves to go a million miles a minute, being forced to literally slow down to nothing has been a challenge.

I am super thankful to be partnering with some different companies like Aerie throughout my pregnancy to show the transformation that our bodies go through. But to talk about it because already, I mean my boobs are giant and it's changing everything. My pants don't fit. You go through these narratives in your head of, “Do I really need to buy another size up?” “What does this look like?”

My body is never going to be the same and it doesn't belong to me anymore. And it's just so crazy.

I think one of the most beautiful things is nowadays I think that we're finally going in a direction where people are being more honest about your body post baby.

There are some amazing celebrities leading the way, like Jessie James Decker. That woman is awesome, just posting her postpartum body and saying this is what it looks like. This is what's going on. And there have been some campaigns that really walks through that.

I think as a woman it's our greatest gift and we recognize that, but it's also like we're being robbed of who we are and where our identity lies. We're really being challenged. Can I love myself through this? Can I love my body through this? Knowing that my body will never be the same, can I still come home to it?

I don't have the answers on that yet. I don't know. My belly button is getting stretched right now. I feel like I don't even know what it's going to look like after this whole ordeal is done.

I'm actually really excited to share this journey with women and to talk through it because it's going to be a bumpy road literally with cellulite and all those things. But it is such a blessing. I think that it's going to be another hard thing that we’ve got to go through together.

ALLIE: Yeah, for sure. And I think it's ridiculous that there's been so many years, decades even, of hiding what happens after you have a baby. We can't do anything about it. You can rub lotions and coconut oil and all these things and it doesn't matter.

I didn't have any of those “pregnancy things” until my third, who ended up being the largest baby born in our state without pregnancy issues. I had no diabetes and he was 11 pounds. I remember coming to after the surgery and saying, “why is there a toddler nursing on me” and my husband cracked up.

He wrecked me. I had hanging skin from being stretched so far. I swore the whole time he was twins. “I'm telling you they’re wrong. There’s two in there.” And there basically was.

I had that hanging skin, that “mom pouch.” I remember feeling like I needed to hide it and being in a wedding right after he was born and wearing double Spanx sweating to death. I don't remember anything about my best friend's wedding except that I was miserable because I wanted to look good.

I just had my third baby who broke records. I think I can have pouch.

It's so sad and I just think it's so ridiculous. I love women like you who are saying, even outside of pregnancy, just with our bodies period, that this is BS.  

This is how it goes. We can't really do much about it. And you can take care of yourself and energize yourself, but it is what it is sometimes. We shouldn’t be having to hide it or wear pants at the beach because we're embarrassed. It's a joke.

So, thank you for what you do. It's so important.

Okay guys, we're going to let Jenna go. I am going to link to everything. I would assume you're going to point everyone to Instagram to find you?

JENNA: Yeah. Just hop on over there @JennaKutcher. I'm doing a lot of really fun body positivity and just real talks about body stuff over on my feed. It's my favorite work to do because I think it's the most needed work in this world. So, join me over there.

Thank you so much for having me, Allie.

ALLIE: Yeah, sure. Thank you so much!

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This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend!

See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.

 

EP 043: ADD/ADHD + Motherhood with Chelsea Reinking

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Minimalism has so many benefits. You hear me talk about them all the time! But one of the benefits that I haven’t talked about yet is the positive impact minimalism can have on ADD. Living with ADD amplifies the feeling of being overwhelmed by a never-ending to do list and expecting perfection 100% of the time. But when you clear your space, you free your mind of striving too hard. Believe it or not, physical clutter adds to the struggle of being able to focus!

This issue is super close to my heart and it was a true honor to sit and talk with fellow-mama Chelsea Reinking. Her journey with ADD and motherhood  is empowering! Whether you struggle with ADD or not, I believe you will find great value in listening to this episode.

 
 

In This Episode, Allie Discusses:

  • How ADD or ADHD can affect you as a mother.

  • The difference you will see in your quality of life when you clear your space of physical clutter.

  • The correlation between physical clutter and your ability to focus properly.

  • Things you can do to immediately break the mental cycle that ADD traps you in.

  • Tactical tips to help you refocus when you feel overwhelmed.

Mentioned in this Episode:

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WANT TO DECLUTTER YOUR HOME?

You buy stuff with your time, not just your money. Less clutter equals less stress and more time. It's as simple as that! Your Uncluttered Home is my most popular, globally-praised decluttering course, designed for moms who want to live their lives more than they clean up after it. It's truly the A-Z of minimalism - every room, every area of your house, totally uncluttered. This super extensive, extremely detailed course is literally everything you need to become a minimalist mama who's able to be a lot more present for what matters most. This truly is the ultimate when it comes to my philosophy and implementing it into your own life.


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


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Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.  I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days.  I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it.  Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and i know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood.  I’m Allie Casazza and this is the The Purpose Show.

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ALLIE: Hey friends. Welcome to another episode of The Purpose Show!

I'm extra excited and really honored to be coming to you with this episode. We're talking about some pretty serious stuff here today with Chelsea Reinking.

She is kind of an amazing mama. She's just finished writing and is about to submit a paper for college on the effects of minimalism on people who struggle with ADD. This issue is close to my heart as my mom struggles with ADD, so I'm really excited to dive in and talk to Chelsea about this topic. Thank you so much Chelsea, for taking time to talk with us.

CHELSEA: Well thank you Allie. I really appreciate it.

ALLIE: You are diagnosed with ADD, correct? And you wrote your paper on the effects of minimalism and ADD. So, we want to hear from you. Can you start with a little bit of a background of your story, what made you want to get into this topic, how ADD has affected you?

CHELSEA: Right. So, I have struggled with learning. I went to public school throughout my whole life. In third grade, I remember having such a hard time with spelling tests. My mom noticed this as well and would seek to get help for me. My teacher said, “Oh, she's fine. She doesn't need any assistance and we'll work through it.” And through that came a diagnosis of a learning disability, which actually didn't get really diagnosed till 2014, when I went back to college when I met with my doctor. It was just labeled as a learning disability and wasn't titled ADHD. With that came not really getting help in the public school system until I got to college. So, it has been such a struggle.

It beats you down as a person when you fail over and over and over again. That is another thing with ADHD emotions, that frontal lobe comes into play when it’s talking about emotional things. You are more likely to feel all the “feels” and cry, so I will try and hold it together.

ALLIE: Do whatever you need to. I don't know if you've listened to a lot of episodes, but I have cried a couple of times on my show. I ended up sobbing during a live stream in my Purpose Society Group last month. What we're doing is important and it's important to us. When I'm talking about my story or depression or PPD or whatever, I get super emotional. I totally understand. It's all good. I think it also helps people understand the importance of this, and anybody who maybe is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD thinks they might have that issue, this is going to communicate in such a powerful way to them that it's okay and there are things they can do to lighten that load.

That's where I want to go with this episode, is just like, “Okay, if this is speaking to you, how can we lighten your load?”

Chelsea, I would love to hear from you. How does ADD or ADHD affect you as a mother specifically?

CHELSEA: Oh, that's a loaded question. For example, when I'm making dinner. My daughter is two years old and she loves her mama. Making dinner for me is a struggle. Following a recipe, getting everything out on the counter and following through with it, finishing the task at hand without burning anything.

But then when you have a toddler or an infant needing you and being called in that other direction, you will completely just want to crack and break and cry and scream. And then especially if you have a spouse at home, maybe doing their self-caring because they just got done with a hard day's work and trying to respect that. All of that anger builds.

So it’s really learning to work through those moments, being able to calm yourself down and have positive self-talk and say, “You know what? If for the next 20 minutes Melanie is crying at my feet, that's okay. Can I encourage her to go get a different toy or something?”

Having minimalism worked in with this as she's getting older, I see how beneficial it is because now when I say “Can you go get a toy or a book,” she knows exactly which one she wants because she doesn't have a million toys to choose from.

And the other thing going back to the kitchen is now I have set it up to work for me instead of against me. For example, a utensil, like a spatula, I only have two maybe, where you could have way more than that. I would grab a spatula that I don’t really like and that one would go in the sink, because I only used it once and decided I wanted another one. So, definitely pairing down on what you have around you eliminates those overwhelming factors.

ALLIE:  Since you brought it up and that's where I wanted to go next, let’s talk about the idea of minimalism and this philosophy of less clutter physically. We talked about this when you interviewed me for your paper - how you were repeating what I'm always trying to get across and I love how you said it - that it's not just about having a clean space, having an uncluttered space.

Everyone always says this to me and it drives me crazy. I know that they mean well, but it drives me crazy when they say it - being organized. It is not about that at all. I'm actually a really disorganized person. I'm a really busy person with a lot going on and you have the same thing and you have the ADD struggle. It's not about wanting to be super organized. It's a fight for survival. It’s a means to a simpler, more abundant life in the middle of chaos.

Can you maybe focus on an area aside from your kitchen, since you already shared that, where minimalism has profoundly impacted you? How have you seen such a difference from clearing your physical clutter to improve your quality of life?

CHELSEA: Right. This one’s very personal. My birth mother died when I was 9-months-old. I was given a lot of items of hers later on in my life. Of course, I wanted to keep all of them, because her mother, my grandmother, had saved these things.  

In 2017, after joining the group that you had on Facebook, I really thought about pairing down more. I went through all the items, worked through all the “feels” and I got rid of a lot of it. Number one, it's not my birth mom. It’s not going to bring her back. It doesn't really keep her memory alive because those memories that are given to me are storytelling from other people, so they are still there.

I did actually keep something longer. This last Christmas, Christmas 2017, I was going through the box of Christmas items and I found the stocking she had made. She passed away in December. She made stockings for us. Her name was Melanie, which is my daughter's name. I'm going to call her Grandma Melanie. Grandma Melanie made stockings with our names on them. I asked myself, “Is this giving me joy or does it just really made me feel sad?” It really made me feel sad, so I took a picture of the two stockings and got rid of them. So not only has that freed space in my home, but it also freed space in my heart. That made sense.

That emotional attachment to things is really just holding people back. And once you can let go of those things, it totally frees you to fill yourself up with all the good in this world.

ALLIE: I love that you used that example. That was so amazing and so personal. I think that it's really good that you did that because there are so many different types of emotional attachment to items.

Personally, we have come through such a difficult time as a family, Brian and I as a couple, from going through poverty and real financial scarcity. Now that we're on the other of that, I will find myself struggling with holding onto things “just in case.”

There's that and then there's widows and people who have struggled with loss, and then your loss of your mom when you were so young. There's so many different avenues of sadness or fear-based keeping things. Everybody has some version of that. I haven't had anyone on the show that has shared that “Oh my gosh, I need to keep this just because.”

Also, I think it's really empowering. You didn't really know your mother because she died when you were so young, and it's almost like out of everybody that I've ever talked to, it seems like you would be the one to really understand that struggle. You overcame that and I think you're amazing for that. That's so, so incredible.

So, you realized the physical clutter was adding to your struggle with focusing. Focusing on what matters. Focusing on what you need to get done right now. It was distractions. Then there’s the emotional level with your mother. Those things were keeping you sad, keeping you back, instead of being able to move forward and be open to the positive emotions of the things that are happening in your life right now.

I was texting my mom about you after we had spoken for your interview with me and preparation for this one. And my mom was like, “Oh my gosh, I'm so overwhelmed. I have so many things I would want to say about that or want to say to her and she sent me this text I'm going to read you.

CHELSEA: Is it going to make me cry?

ALLIE:  I don't know, but it made me really emotional for sure. I was texting her, “I'm crying right now. I'm so sad.” I wanted to read it because it gets the point across. As a person that doesn't struggle with ADD, I think that this gets the point across. If anyone is ADD, it would give them that validation that this is something that can be very normal and common, but you might not even realize you're dealing with.

My Mom said, “I think when you're in the throes of this season of life that you're in right now (talking about raising kids) and you are scattered like I was, you get caught in this vicious cycle of surviving in your daily life, perpetual disorganization, being overwhelmed and then beating yourself up for not being able to get your (I'll say crap) together. So, it's a horrific cycle. I'm just coming off that crazy cycle even though I haven't really been in the complete throes of raising kids for some time because really the struggle is internal, not just external.”

I thought the end of that was really eye-opening for me. Yeah, raising kids is chaotic externally, sure. But that she's feeling like she's just coming off of it…

Some background…I'm sorry, I'm jumping around. I'm the oldest of four and I'm way older than my siblings. My parents had me a few years into their marriage. My mom was struggling with some serious internal stuff from the way that she was raised and so there was a big gap. My parents didn't have any more kids for a while, so my siblings are much younger than I am. My youngest sibling is about to graduate from high school and I'm 31, so there's a pretty big gap there.

I thought it was so interesting that even though she's been out of “the thick of it” for years, that she feels like she's just now coming out of it, because the chaos is internal. She continued to say you make it up in your own head. You can’t focus, so there's extra chaos internally when really on the outside, it should be pretty manageable. Do the laundry, make dinner, spend time with your kids, help them with their homework, get them in bed. But inside it's this mess of distractions and brain clutter.

So, would you agree with what she was like? What would you say to what she's saying?

CHELSEA: 100 percent! It was amazing. Actually, it really reminded me of part of my paper in the introduction. I say living with ADHD amplifies that overwhelmed feeling of the never-ending to do list and expecting perfection 100% of the time. I feel like our brains are just beating us down over and over and over again.

Allie and I actually have very similar stories with our background. My youngest sibling is 9 and I am 30.

ALLIE: Okay. Wow. Even bigger gap. So, you get the big gap thing.

CHELSEA: Totally. It is exactly what she says. For someone that struggles with ADHD

that method of, “Okay, what needs to be done right now? What needs to be done later? And what doesn’t really matter.” We don't have that, because everything feels like “It has to happen now, or else, I'm failing.” It is expecting perfection.

Everyone needs to listen to episode 29, where Allie talks about perfection. I have listened to it now a couple times. With ADHD, it is a struggle of delegating tasks in our mind and really thinking in the moment, “Why am I here? Why did I come into this room? What was I going to do and do I really need to be here?”

Definitely adopting having less around you to distract you when you do that is good.

ALLIE: Yeah. This was eye-opening for me, talking to my mom, and in a couple of ways. First of all, the burden, the way that my mom described how she felt like this, I felt the burden of “if I struggled with that, I mean really, I don't know if I would have been able to have four kids.”

So then in turn that would have directly impacted what I'm doing as a person, my life choices.  My first thought was, “Oh my gosh, I simply could not handle that every minute, that burden, and also have four children.” We probably would have had fewer kids unless I had found some solutions with it. I was so burdened just by hearing her talk about it.

People who are struggling with this it is affecting their lives in profound ways that they may not realize because that's all you know. That's the way that your brain works. If that's all you know, you only know you.

I'm just tearing up as I was listening to you talk because it’s this realization of, “Oh my gosh, my mom did such an amazing job!” I didn't even know that she struggled with that until she told me when I was older, and she was figuring it out when I was in high school.

To encourage you and anybody listening who's falling into this camp, the kids - we think you're doing great. We don't even notice. We don’t think, “Seems like mom can't focus like other moms can.” I never noticed or knew anything. My mom did a phenomenal job; she's the best mom ever. I never knew.

Also, to give hope to you and to anyone listening that has this issue, that I think it is all internal, just like my mom said. It is internal and even your doubts and your fears about what this is doing to you as a mom and your family is very internal.

Sure. There are things that you notice, how mom was a little scattered or she seemed really stressed out, but every mom has that in some way. It’s just a little different for you.

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When you buy something, you buy it with your time. With minutes from your life. Not just with your money. Studies show us that less clutter equals less stress and more time. It is really as simple as that.

This was the founding reason that I created Your Uncluttered Home. It has become my most popular, globally-praised, decluttering course that I designed for moms who want to live their lives more than they want to clean up after it.

It is truly the A-Z of minimalism. Every room. Every area. Every nook and cranny of your house totally uncluttered. This super extensive, extremely detailed course is literally everything you need to become a minimalist momma who is able to be a lot more present for what matters most.

To learn more about the course, go to alliecasazza.com/allcourses.

This really is the short-cut version. The exact journey that I took as a mom, 5-6 years ago, that got me to this point of an uncluttered, minimalistic motherhood where I am spending the least amount of time on my house every day.

Motherhood is just way too sweet a time to be spent struggling so hard and living in survival mode day in and day out.  Our stuff is really the cause of that.

If you want to start this lifestyle, if you want to simplify your life… I believe that it all starts at home.

Simplify your life.  alliecasazza.com/allcourses.

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ALLIE: Okay. Getting back on topic. From that text from my mom, we were texting through and trying to come up with one question that she would want to ask you, just to be a voice for somebody who's struggling with ADD. This is what we came up with: What are some things a person struggling with chronic overwhelm can do to immediately improve their life or to break the mental cycle that ADD traps you in?

I feel like we talked about simplifying and minimalism being that thing, but I wanted to ask you anyway, to open the floor to anything else you want to say or to branch off of that even more.

CHELSEA: You definitely talk about this. In every single episode you congratulate the women listeners that they're taking time for themselves or you say, “Good morning, Beautiful Mama!” and that is the first thing that every single person struggling with this needs to sit down and say, “I am enough.”

The number one thing I think that needs to be done is you need to set yourself down and say these words out loud. Truly intake them. Say, “I am enough. I am beautiful inside and out. I am loved by the Lord. This is my life and I have control over my life. I do have control.”

And then start generating, “What is your goal?” Even taking the simple steps for that day, “What is my goal for today? What will make me feel accomplished?” Work that in. If it is during making coffee. If it is during nap time or during a shower. Making time for yourself.

I listen to this podcast while I'm in the shower because that is really the only time I have for me. Designate that time.

So, there we go. First, identifying a goal. Second, identifying a time and making yourself do it and stick with it. And if you get distracted, that is OK. Refocus your mind.  

ALLIE: Do you have anything tactical or more practical that helps you with that? Like does it help you to write it down and look back at that piece of paper? What was I going to do today? Is there anything that helps you refocus or is it a total mental thing for you?

CHELSEA:  Initially it does start with paper, but that paper is not in your hands all the time. Or your phone is not. Or your calendar is not. So, it really does become a mental game. Especially when I get stressed or overwhelmed, I feel myself side tracking.

This morning for example, we're getting ready. I went into my room three times from the bathroom. I have no idea why. I had to go in there and I had to say this out loud, “What am I doing?” and redirect myself back into the bathroom to finish getting ready. I don't know why I went into the bedroom. That sounds so weird, but for some reason I wanted to stop and do something and go into the bedroom. But I had to realize, “okay, why did I come in here? There’s no real reason, so go back into the bathroom and finish getting ready.”

It does really help to say these things out loud. Just say, “Why am I here? What is my focus, what is my goal?” And then identify those things and then follow through. I think when we hold ourselves to the expectation of making a list every day, it won't always happen. Knowing that you can refocus your brain and tackle what is needed to be done at that time is really amazing.

ALLIE: I just love that so much. I'm trying to sound super smart and add to it and I have nothing to say because I love what you said. It was so encouraging and also practical at the same time. It's easy to talk about grace or talk about giving yourself space and not really give practical advice and you just did both so well.

Oh my gosh, that was so good. I can't wait for my mom to listen to this.

Thank you so much for your time.

Is there anything anywhere that you want to link to or anything you want to say to wrap this episode up? I feel like that was just so good. I just want to end there. Is there anything you want to add?

CHELSEA: Just be kind to yourself today. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Thank you so much for having me here.

I'm actually taking a detox from social media right now. A lot of things that are coming due so I need to stay focused.

I would love to give you my paper after it is completely done and have that available for people to read.

ALLIE: Yeah, we can link to it in the show notes. Definitely.

CHELSEA: Okay, perfect. If anyone has any questions I would love for them to feel free to email me.

ALLIE: We’ll put that in the show notes. Thank you so much for making yourself available. You can just tell you exude passion about this. I think it's very overlooked for mothers specifically, and maybe that's just because I'm not in it and looking for things, but I have never come across anybody who has as much passion, knowledge, care and grace for people who are struggling with this.

I really applaud you for what you're doing and the way you speak on this topic. I'm really honored to have you.  

I hope that this episode gets into all the ears that need it so, so badly.

So, thank you so much again. This was really, really great.

CHELSEA: Thank you Allie. I really appreciate it.

ALLIE: Okay guys, we will link to Chelsea's email if you're struggling and you just want to reach out to her or to thank her for this. Whatever it is, we’ll link to her email address. We'll definitely link to her paper that she wrote when she's finished with. We'll link to all of that so you can get more of Chelsea and all the work she's been doing on this after this episode.

And as always, if this episode was impactful for you, tell us. Leave a review on itunes. Reviews are everything and I always appreciate it.

I’ll talk to you guys next time.

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This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend!

See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.

 

EP 36: Why you are Always Enough and Never Too Much with Jess Connolly + Hayley Morgan

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Do you feel like you’re caught up in a war within your own self that you are never enough, yet too much when you are being your best self? I think we have all struggled with feeling that we’re not enough yet we are too much at the same time in many, many different areas of our life. Outside of this war within ourselves, there is also that same feeling from woman to woman. It’s like there’s a war amongst women of who’s better at this? Who’s good at that? I’m trying to be it all, do it all, and it’s exhausting, pointless and it’s not what we are called to.

Jess Connolly + Hayley Morgan join me in a raw + honest conversation around how we are always enough and never too much. How we are called to live from a place of confidence in who we are, while encouraging others to do the same.

Jess + Hayley are good friends who share a passion to lead other women in pursuing Christ and abundant life. They are mothers and business owners, and they co-authored the book Wild + Free, as well as their new book, Always Enough, Never Too Much.

 
 

In This Episode, Allie, Jess + Hayley Discuss:

  • The concept behind Jess + Hayley’s book, Always Enough, Never Too Much.

  • What it means to feel like you are never enough and/or always too much.

  • How we as women as called to empower one another to live as our true selves.

  • When you feel like you are not a good friend.

  • When you feel like your to-do list is never ending.

  • Personal moments when they felt like they were not enough or too much.

  • What “wild freedom” is and how it applies to living in the mindset of being always enough and never too much.

Mentioned in this Episode:

 

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Well, motherhood is hard. I am not going to lie to you about that. While it is servitude and giving to your family from yourself, it doesn’t have to be something that we are waiting to be over. Something that we are counting down the minutes till naptime, or bedtime, or waiting for the next day to start. If you are wanting to sort through the clutter in your mind, your heart, your home calendar, your health, routines, and relationships, I created Unburdened just for you!


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


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Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.  I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days.  I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it.  Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and i know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood.  I’m Allie Casazza and this is the The Purpose Show.

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Hey beauties! Welcome back to another episode of The Purpose Show!

I have a very special episode for you girls today. I have Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan here. They are good friends who share a passion to lead other women in pursuing Jesus, abundant life, and stepping into who they were made to be, which I really love.

Jess & Hayley are both mothers and business owners. They co-authored the book Wild and Free. Their new book, which comes out April 24th is called Always Enough, Never Too Much.

ALLIE: Welcome ladies! Thank you for being here!

We are going to jump right in and get to it.

Always Enough, Never Too Much. I am halfway through and reading every single devotional. It is a devotional, although I feel like it has the cadence of a normal book. It is broken down in devotional format which is really unique and I really like it. The main thing I am taking from this is, and the title says it, that you’re answering the questions “Why don’t I ever feel like I’m enough” or “Why do I also feel like I’m too much when I let loose and let my guard down and be myself?” Can you explain a little bit more about that idea behind the book and how you came to write this?

HAYLEY: Yeah. I think that Jess and I, when we did Wild and Free, we realized that while we are similar in a lot of ways, we also approached the world really differently. We see the world differently and we experience it differently. When we looked at the feelings that we had when we interacted with each other, with other friends, with our families, it was this feeling of in the work that you’re doing and the way that you’re made that you can feel like you’re not enough or again, on the flipside, too much.

When we started, few felt like one of us would feel like they’re not enough, that one of us would feel like they’re too much. But as we uncovered the whole truth that we found God has for us in His Word, we struggled to feel both, no matter who you are. The idea of not feeling like you’re enough. I don’t think I need to explain that. I think we all have a visceral understanding of that. The same with feeling like you’re too much. It is the idea that if you show who your true self is that it might be too wild, too crazy. It might be something that you need to tone down. Jess and I experienced that differently. It plays out differently in our lives, but it’s something that we felt was pretty universal, especially with women.

I don’t know if this is the same thing for men, but I can definitely say that of all the women we’ve talked to throughout the country that they resonate with this feeling that we all have.

JESS: It was great with the devotional format for sure. The tagline of Wild and Free was for the woman who feels like she's too much and never enough, and so the great thing about the devotional was being able to hit those specific ways that women said. We encountered so many women after Wild and Free who said, “But what about this? What about when you do this? But what about when you're in this?”

Obviously, we couldn't have answered all those things in the book, but they were so cyclical and coming up in so many different ways, with so many different women, that we felt we had to write specifically to these scenarios. I think that's my favorite part about the book is that when you're feeling that specific way, there's a biblical answer for you.

ALLIE: Yeah, and I love too that as I'm reading these, that most of them, whichever of you is writing it, is relating to it from your personal life, but you're also not getting (I mean that would kind of be counterproductive to the book) down on yourself for whatever the thing is. For example, Haley, one of my favorite ones from you so far was when you feel like you're not a good friend because I totally relate to that. I have a lot of boundaries. I would say I'm probably high wall, high wall, like your husband, which you also talk about in the book. It kind of ends up feeling like, “Well I'm a freak and I'm not a good friend. I'm not easy to get to know.”

But you both come across it as here's maybe the reason that I'm like this and why it's amazing that God made me this way. And that it's OK to work on things and to grow and want to be better. You don't want to stay stagnant, but let's also stop for a second and praise that we are each fearfully and wonderfully made in the way that we are made as we are right now. That while it's good to have goals, be ambitious, want to change things, and always meeting new standards for yourself, let's not get down on ourselves with who we are right now. I really love that it’s a really, heavy theme throughout the whole book.  

JESS: I described it to somebody the other day when they were asking you about it and I said it's like sitting down with a friend who says “so what?” when you say I haven't been a good friend. A really good friend isn't going to be, “You're just always the best friend. You do everything right.” A really good friend would be like, so what? So what? So what if you weren’t a good friend?

Number one, let's look at the truth of God. What does He actually say about you? What's actually expected of you? And so what? So what if you didn't do it well? What's next? And to take every different scenario and say, so what? So what if you're too loud? So what if you're too weak? So what if you don't have enough money? Let's talk about it. So what?

ALLIE: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I love that.

HAYLEY: See this is why I'm glad that I get to have Jess as my actual friend because I'm like, I want you to now write a whole book about that. Just go for it

ALLIE: I mean, it's so empowering too. And what I got from this was just the thought of I wish that every woman would have this mindset about herself and about her friends.

You know, going back to the how I related to you Haley and with not feeling like you're a good enough friend or as good as other friends are to you. And I think Jess you even had something that you were not a good texter-backer. You were like, “Oh, I forgot to even respond and she sent me this.” That's me. This is awkward for everybody listening who's like, “Yeah, I've been waiting for a text since January, Allie.”

I wish that we could all take this book and take its mentality, for lack of a better word, and give it to our own selves. Then each give it to our other friends. Understand that yes, maybe I'm not a good texter-backer, but here's my other strengths. Here's what I'm great at, here's what you're great at. I wish we could not have those expectations on each other because it causes so much divide, especially among women.

HAYLEY: I think it's that love isn't easily offended. When you have a lot of kids, it's something that you have to preach to your kids all the time. “OK buddy, I know we're all in close quarters here. We're all rubbing up against each other. But is that really a thing to make a thing of?”

And since I preached that so much in my own house and in my own family, it has a way of making its way into your heart. I think the idea of not being easily offended, but then also the idea of calling each other up. We talked about that a lot in Wild and Free, as Jess was saying. So what? Maybe you're not awesome at this, but this is the way I see you growing. This is the way I see God made you. This is what I see in scripture that says Jesus will do in your life. And these are the ways that we can grow up into a more sanctified, more refined version of who we are, not a shinier version of who we wish we could be.

ALLIE: I just love that. What would you say, maybe breaking it down into a clear sentence. Why does this devotional differ from other ones that are also geared towards women? I was reading recently in Gretchen Rubin's, A Happiness Project, and she describes happiness as a kind of fog that you can see from a distance, but when you try to zoom in on it and really dissect it, it disappears. I really feel like this book was like that in the way where this is so different. It’s like the fog; when I try to zoom in on it, and ask, “Why is it so different,” it disappears. It's so beautiful.

What would you say how it differs from other devotionals geared towards women and encouraging women?

JESS: I think the biggest way that it's different is because it's so topical and it's very honest. I actually meant to pull up the different chapter headings, but we just said these themes - things like when you make mistakes, when you don't have enough energy, when you don't feel like a church girl, when you don't feel beautiful, when you need affirmation, when you need some privacy, when you're not that smart.

I don't know any devotional that’s ever said here's what the Bible says when you don't feel smart enough.

This is me being very honest right now. This is a very raw insecurity that I walk around with a ton, that I'm not smart enough. I have never found any Christian woman's book that says, here's what you do if you don't feel smart. I've never heard anyone say here's where the Gospel meets you. Here's where Jesus meets you if you don't feel smart. Even when you're sick, even when you've never led anyone to Christ. Then on the too much side, even when you're gifted. Even when you begged God for help. Even when you're a mess. Even when you feel like a tornado. Even when you cry easily. Even when you have no filter. Even when you're fired up about justice.

These super real, raw, honest, topical things that actual women are actually struggling with and that we are scared to even bring to our closest friends. When we're even scared to say I need you to know I don’t feel smart. I mean it took me until about a year ago to finally out that with someone and to say, “I really struggle with thinking I'm unintelligent.” And I write books and teach for a living. That's problematic. You know?

So that's what feels different about it to me is that it's not like a high lofty idea. We always talk about meeting people where they're at but this genuinely meets people exactly where they are at, exactly in what they're feeling.

ALLIE: There's a lot of them that jumped out at me as, “oh my gosh, my good friend.” I had to screenshot it and send it to her. It's not even just for your own self. I think we can all relate to most of them, at least a little bit or maybe in a specific relationship, but if not, it's to encourage somebody else. And also to come to a deeper understanding of somebody in our life. As a person raising a daughter that's huge there, too. For friendships, for my own mother.

I mean, there's so many things that just jump out as this is so real. And nobody is really saying it as it is what it is. I don't feel very smart. I don't really feel like a churchy-enough girl. Those awkward kind of things that we think in the inner deepest parts of ourselves that we’re maybe afraid to put into one sentence like that.

HAYLEY: I totally agree. We came up with a lot of ideas based on things that we had heard from women after Wild and Free. We made a huge excel spreadsheet and started whittling it down. Are these too similar? Are these saying the same thing? Is this too niche? Or is this something that a lot of women feel? And then we split them up based on that.

There are definitely some that I got where I was like, “OK, how do I write this from a place of maybe that's not how I was feeling that day? But a lot of times when I went to write it I realized, “Oh gosh, that is in there. Those fears, or that lack or that “too muchness” or whatever. I need to come up with a good word for that.

Two more things that make it unique is that both of us wrote it. It isn’t very often that you get two perspectives. A lot of times it's either, “Oh, that book is for me, or that book isn't for me” and that can be great in a lot of ways, but it's really nice to have a ping pong kind of conversation.

And thirdly, I am one of those people who I will get a bee in my bonnet and I will be, “I'm going to change the world.” And then at the end of the day I have 18 new journals for devotionals, three new study bibles and I'm signed up to take Greek and Hebrew somewhere. That's just the way my brain works. You know, that doesn't work really in real life and I'm learning that about myself so I do it less and less as I get older.

But I'm the person who will start a devotional, get four days into it and then I'll be, “Yeah, this happened” or my mindset changed and I'm not really there anymore. Or I don't want to be X, Y, and Z, whatever that thing was that I was thinking about that day.

What I love about this one is that although there are 100 devotionals, it doesn't have to be 100 straight days. It doesn't have to be 10 straight days. It's all titled very obviously and it can be the thing you pull out when you're like and, “Ooh, I feel like I am in a funk. I don't know what the deal is in my heart.” And you can scan it and I think something will jump out at you. It's very bite size in a lot of different ways.

I appreciate that. This is not a sit down and study the word for 45 minutes kind of devotional. This is what Jess and I would say to you based on a lot of our 45 minutes of studying the Word times. It's what we would say if we were sitting across the table from you and we could look you in the face and say these things. This is what we would say.

I saw a quote the other day and I (a) don't know who it was about, and (b), don't know who it's attributed to, so that could take some sleuthing. It was a pastor who could write a sermon in a short amount of time, but it was based on 30 years of his walk with the Lord. The result isn't this deep study of scripture. It's born out of the truth that we've found over a long period of time that is 100% rooted in scripture. And it was very important to us

that it wasn't loosely based on scripture.

ALLIE:  When I'm skimming it and reading a section of it, I think, “What could they have to say about this one [verses]?” And then you say your thing and it's like, “I never would have gleaned that from that.” I liked that you said that the titles of each devotional are very obvious, because the titles are saying about yourself what you are too burdened by the emotions of feeling that way to describe about yourself that you're feeling that way. So many of them jumped out at me: feeling like you're not a good friend, what to do when your to do list is never ending.

If you're overwhelmed you can grab this book. Sometimes to be honest, the Bible is overwhelming for me to open up. God always has a way of bringing me to the right place. Sometimes I'm struggling with an emotion and I don't know what exactly is going on because my emotions are very 100% and I get overwhelmed by that.

For this to say “Your to do list is never ending; here’s a cup of water, and the scripture you know you need” because this jumped out to you. It's almost like you broke down the scripture into a little bit more of “Here, skim until you find one that jumps out at you. Here's some scripture that will refresh you today.” It's really clear and helpful.

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Do you feel like you are barely getting through your days friend? Does motherhood feel more like a hurricane of chaos that you are just surviving rather than the awesome, joy-filled season that you want it to be?

Well, motherhood is hard. I am not going to lie to you about that. While it is servitude and giving to your family from yourself, it doesn’t have to be something that we are waiting to be over. Something that we are counting down the minutes till naptime, or bedtime, or waiting for the next day to start. If you are wanting to sort through the clutter in your mind, your heart, your home calendar, your health, routines, and relationships, I created Unburdened just for you!

It is a guide that will help you go from drowning in the sea of stress and overwhelm, to owning your time and living the best version of your motherhood. So you can live abundantly while intentionally focusing on those who matter most.

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In Unburdened, I will walk you through how to stop over-complicating, procrastinating, and just start making positive changes now. How to declutter, just a little bit – not super deep into it, because you can’t handle that when you are this overwhelmed – but a surface declutter that will get you real results in your house so you can clean up less.

How to declutter toxic relationships in your life and set some good boundaries. How to simplify cleaning, get healthy and feel better – finally!

How to simplify your calendar. How to start owning your time and not just managing it as life happens to you.

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I really poured my heart into this little course. I created it for the mom who is really wanting to simplify, declutter, and pursue a life of less, but she is so burdened and overwhelmed with the mess of life. It’s not just her house. She wants to simplify at the surface of all the different things in her life so she can focus on her family more. So then she can focus more on really, truly purging her entire house.

If this sounds like you, I encourage you to check it out. You are probably the person I created it for. I want you in there. I want it to help you.

Check it out.

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ALLIE: The book is flipped; Always Enough and then Never Too Much on the other side. And then even further inside, it is upside down when you get to the middle. It's like two different books. So how did you guys come up with that? Why did you guys decide to go ahead and do this? Because it's really neat.

JESS: Tell me if I'm wrong Hayley but, I don't think we came up with it. We loved writing Wild and Free together. It was amazing to publish. It was so good, but we didn't have plans to write another book together.  We were definitely left with a lot of these questions. What if I fail too much? What if I don't have enough? Definitely wanting to answer those. Actually our publisher came to us with this idea. They said “flip book” the very first time, and we were picturing a flip book. They won us over and we said, OK. We have a great publisher. That’s not always how it is. Usually you have to push them to be a bit more creative, more risk-taking. They said, “We want it to be a beautiful cover. We want it to be a flip book.” And we said, “OK, that sounds so fun.”

We love that it is different covers because I mean, it's different. It's loud and then gentle and says, “This is who women are.” We're not easily encompassed in a single thing. I've literally noticed since I've gotten my copy that some days (I keep it on my coffee table) I will turn it over on the blue side, and sometimes on the white side. Do I want it to be little quiet and peaceful in here or do I want it to be like a little splash of wild in here today? We were pretty creative gals, but that was not our idea.

ALLIE: I love it. It makes it more approachable somehow. It’s fun. Super cute.

HAYLEY: These are the kinds of books that booksellers hope you pick up for your friend, your mom, or your sister. Anything that we can do to make it more appealing, more attractive, more exciting to pick up, I think is even better. I am not a huge devotional reader to be honest. I love them, but it's not something that I normally pick up. I was really excited that they had something innovative and something that makes it feel like a gift. It feels like something really pretty that you want to have out. I think half the time that's the battle. It’s why I leave my Bible in my backpack that they carry everywhere or it's on my kitchen counter because I want it to be easily accessible and I want to have it out.

That felt important, I think with the book, to make it something that people would want to have around.

ALLIE: Yeah, for sure. I'm curious, is there a reason that you chose 100 devotionals instead of like a year-long or, or just a random number? Did it just work out that way?

HAYLEY: Well, I think for me personally, it was important not to have a lot of duplicated content from Wild and Free. While sure, we'll have a lot of readers that never read Wild and Free, but once they did, they're like our soul sisters. They're like our friends that we've been with forever and we wanted this to be a gift for them too.

It's a huge undertaking to write a year. I mean as somebody who writes and who does podcasts and things, it's a huge undertaking to do 365 entries. I think it was an approachable place for us to start as writers. For me personally, being a somewhat public person, I feel like we're leading the younger generation in how to do this creative life, it was important to me to not over leverage myself really, and to have it be approachable from a creation standpoint, because it’s a good example to set, how it can still be really impactful.

I think realistically for somebody to sit with my voice for 365 days or a 180; I think that’s a lot. I think 50 will do.

JESS: I read the audio book and my favorite was reading Haley's devotionals because we're such different writers. Nothing makes me happier than when someone comes up to me and says, “I read Wild and Free; I didn't really like your writing.” But Haley is such a phenomenal writer. I am a communicator. I am a talker. I would have to Google a lot of words. I think I texted her one day and said, “Do you remember what the word “indefatigable” means?  It’s such a good word; it means you can’t be too fatigued. which is a great, beautiful way to say that.

Hayley was actually the one who told me while we were writing Wild and Free. She said, “most people only read 40% of a book.” That changed the way we wrote Wild and Free. As an author, you really want to take people on a journey that they want to complete. You don’t want to lose them 40% of the way in. I would just say, as the three of us right here, we’re quick, smart, hip, millennial women and we got to move on sometimes.

There's a lot of times that I read a book and I hit three chapters and I'm like, “I get it.”

But that's the other reason why I don't want it to be a year-long devotional because I don't women to be thinking about this for a whole year. I want them to feel so empowered, equipped and changed in a hundred days and feel, “I'm ready. I'm giving it to a friend.” What's next? You know?

Of course, there's going to be things that we struggled with, that we come back to, that we revisit.

HAYLEY:  Writing this devotional was just as much preaching to myself as it was telling everybody else. I have really realized that it takes not just learning, not just knowing, but it takes obeying. I don't want you to be just reading for the whole time. I want you out there practicing it in your day-to-day life, moving it from knowing to understanding. Something that's actually in your spiritual DNA.

ALLIE: My gosh, I love that. You were saying this is more in-depth examples of the feeling that you got from Wild and Free, so can you describe for somebody who hasn't read the other book, what is that idea of “wild freedom” in your own words?

JESS: I would say it is believing the kind of audacious truth that the Bible puts forth - we are made good in God's image and made free by the power of Christ. Those are things we say – “God made us” and “We’re free,” right? Yes, we're free, but why?

The message of Wild and Free is saying, “OK, let's take it past “nodding” at that and let’s step into some agreement about what it would look like to agree with our whole lives. That we are made good. That when He created us that He did not make mistakes. That He didn't make us in fear of what we would turn into. The freedom that Jesus purchased for us on the cross is real, active, alive and working in our lives.

HAYLEY: I think “wild” is walking in how God made you and “free” is resting in what Jesus has done for you. I think I had to learn the “rest piece” really early on because it was the lesson that God had for me to learn when I was probably 18 and 19. I find it very easy to find my words in what I do, what I could do for people, and what I can accomplish. My husband (he wasn’t my husband at the time) saw that in me and he saw that it was a wall that I put up, that I wouldn't let him know me. And for some reason I had to learn that early on.

But this “wild” situation has been a journey and it is hard for me to learn. Every “layer of the onion” that I pull back I see more of myself. I know more of myself because I know more of the Lord. I know how He is and I can see more of how I am. Also, God is wild. And that means I am wild. That's a little stressful for somebody who likes to be appropriate and likes to have the right answer for things.

Something that Jess has said that has been so helpful for me, and she says a lot, is “taking it too far.” What would it look like if you took it too far? Because I'm a person who would take it as far as is appropriate and then I’ll stop. There’s so much freedom for me in that insight. It’s saying, “So what? So what if you take it a step over the line there?” If we're doing things in freedom in the way that God has made us, and the way that He has redeemed our lives, if we take it too far, that's a good thing. Just rub that in.

ALLIE: I love that. If you guys wouldn't mind, could you share a recent personal example in your life or maybe just a piece from the book? Whatever you want of a time where you recently felt like you were either “not enough” or “too much” to give a taste of what is in the book and how you approach this for listeners?

JESS: I actually texted Haley a little bit about this this week. On Sunday night I was standing in the kitchen and my kids just came back from spring break. I had a great spring break with my kids. We had gone to church, gotten groceries, gotten ready for the week, but I was in that post spring break. There's a lot on my plate. We have a book launch in two weeks. I am taking some deep breaths. And in one minute I got three text messages from women in my church all saying, “Do you have time to hang out this week?” I knew I didn't have time to breathe this week. I know I don't really have time to shower this week and I knew I had to say “no.”

I just opened up a dialogue with my husband. My husband’s a pastor at a church we started. This is a common, never-ending struggle for me. We are the leaders. We always say, “Beth Moore apparently is not going to show up. I keep waiting for her to come and lead us and she's not. So it's just us.” That’s a normal, every Sunday occurrence.

It opened up this whole conversation with my husband again about to be a healthy person, I have to disappoint people. To be a healthy person, I have to have healthy boundaries. I have to say no. Saying “no” is genuinely so unsexy. For the millionth time I am asking my husband, “You mean you want me to say no? Physical “no?” And he said, “I mean I want you to say “no.” What's more, I don't want you to say “maybe next week” because you can't next week either. I want you to say, “I have four kids and two businesses and this is not the best season for me. Can I connect you with someone else?”

And I said, “I know you. I know we've said this so many times. I want you to know how uncomfortable it makes my soul to just say “no” from the get to.  

Going back to “OK to be a normal human, to be a healthy human, to do what God is asking you to do, I'm going to have to say “no” to people I really love, really care about and want to support.” I know they may be disappointed, frustrated and may not understand. I can't control it. This is in the devotional. I constantly go back to the idea that Jesus disappointed people and that he was still Holy. We read stories in the Bible about Him pulling away from shore and there's hundreds of people waiting for Him to heal them and he's like, “Bye. I need a nap. I am a human. I need a nap.” That is so comforting for me. That was a big “not enough for me” that happened in the last 48 hours. One of the girls is still mad at me and hasn’t texted me back.

HAYLEY: I think that's the thing. These are our in-process experiences with this. I truly think that in Wild and Free we just put new, fresh words to ancient truths that have been true from the beginning of time, from when Jesus walked on the earth. This is not stuff like, “Oh great, I'm going to be a good listener. And then I'll have the 10 bullet points and I'll be able to just use those 10 bullet points. And I'll know now.”

This is a daily obedience sort of thing. And I think that it speaks so much to identity and so much to obedience that they're not things that we're going to just learn and move on from. I think that we will move on from them more quickly, we’ll obey more quickly and we'll be more rooted in our identity, but they will continue.

I think God just has a way of continuing to invite us deeper in by giving us more chances to obey. And so it's just a deepening understanding of it. I think that's maybe been one of my frustrations is this feeling of, “why can I not just be done with this lesson? Why can I not have learned this and be done?”

I think I'm the person who wants to eventually not need the gospel. I would like to be able to one day study enough to score 100 percent so I can go onto Gospel 201, thank you very much. I mean that says so much about my personality. I don't like to be weak. I don't like to not know things. I don't like to appear as though I don't have it together. And in this season of my life, it has been the Lord inviting me to not have it together.

It's actually a way that I felt like I was “too much.” I'm going to the Festival of Faith in Writing in Grand Rapids on a last minute decision trip and all of the hotels are booked up. But it's close enough for me to drive, so I'm going to go. We can make it work with our family. It's good to do. I need some refreshment creatively. This is good. My husband can make it work, which is doubly “OK great, we'll do that.” But there's nowhere to stay. I could stay further out of the city. We could pay more money to do it, but it's not wise for us right now.

Mike (my husband) said, “Hey babe, we can make this work for you to go, but I want you to put yourself out there. I want to be honest with five friends that you know are going to be there. Say you need a place to stay. Can you split the cost with them and sleep on the floor?” Everything in me was saying, “No! They are responsible humans. They have planned this trip out for months. It's been two years since you could buy your tickets for this thing. Who am I to decide to come the day before? Who am I to say “Hey! Can I sleep in your room that you responsibly booked however long ago? And he said, “Listen, we all have needs. Make your needs known. Be needy. Be too much. Be a real person.” And everything in myself was saying, “No.”

Just like you were saying how deeply uncomfortable that made you, I felt the same pushback, that same resistance. “No this is just not who I am. I do not do this.” I would rather hide, go make an expensive hotel reservation 45 minutes away and drive in an hour and a half round trip everyday than ask a friend to put herself out. I mean this is the kind of thing that I deal with. It is an actual obedience issue for me when I'm presented with that to do it anyway. I about want to cry just talking about it because it feels so visceral and so real.

I know you were saying the same thing in texts, Jess. This is never ending. It continues to come up. But it's a comfort to know that when it continues to come up, that’s where there is solidarity. We’re all doing this together and Christ is in this. He goes before us. He comes behind us. We're surrounded with heavenly hosts, all the things. We don't have to do it in our own power. That's even the better part.

JESS: I love you said that too. It’s not too much. It's not too much that you would want to stay in somebody’s room. I mean, whoever it is will probably be thrilled to have you. It's not inadequate of me that I don't have time to hang out. I think it's when we show up and keep being obedient that we even changed the language, so that one day 10 years from now, they’ll start calling that too much.  

HAYLEY: And we get that understanding in ourselves. I can know that that's not too much. I can know that I would be blessed if somebody asked me to serve them. But I don't understand that deep in myself. I don't understand it because, for whatever reason, I have not obeyed enough times to where it I just get it. I don't know. God shows up enough. I've learned something. I think that's the beauty of it is that some lessons in life you get really fast and it just comes together and you understand. There have been those things in my life where it was like CS Lewis says, “I wasn't a believer and then I rode my motorcycle to the zoo, and then when I got there, I was.”

To me there's been those things in my life where I didn't understand it, and then all of a sudden I did and it was like a light bulb. Then there's these things that you go on a journey with the Lord on, and for me it has been identity and obedience. It’s been those two things. That's why I feel like Wild and Free is really foundational. It’s not new. It's not whatever. This is age-old stuff.

I wish I could tell you that I sit here and have it all figured out, but I'm still working through it. Honestly, it’s been an honor to continue to walk through it with other women because if I felt I had just finished that and worked it out, why keep talking about it? Why keep going out there and telling other people about it?

ALLIE: Another thing branching off of what you just shared is that this book is something you can reference again and again. It's not a one and done. It’s not “a 10-step formula to never be too much” It’s chronic.

I was in a conversation recently where this woman was telling me how disorganized another woman that we both knew was. She was going on and on, “It's just so frustrating. I get it. She has more kids than me, but it's just so frustrating.” And in myself, I was panicking. I have four kids like this woman and I had this feeling of sadness over how we judge each other, bring each other down, and that this has probably been spoken about me who knows how many times. And it was almost this surreal moment of panic that this is a war zone. Why does it have to be that way? It absolutely does not. And that is not what we're called to.

I ended up sort of exiting the conversation with, “Well I'm not going to lie. I've definitely been way more disorganized.” But it really hit me. This book was so well timed that week for me because that is what it is. It is a war zone out there and these women are comparing and slinging things at each other. We all guilty of it at some point.

But really what would happen if we stopped and we said “This is the way that I am. These are my strengths and these are things that are not-so-much my strengths. These are the things that I fear and that I'm embarrassed about. And we can all encourage each other?”

Everything would change. It would all be lifted. Haley, I relate to you so much in that need to be on top of it all. Your story about the hotel, I was crawling inside, “Don't do it! Don't ask to stay with them!” It’s so silly!

You've got four boys, right? Yeah, I have four kids. There are so many things that absolutely must slip through the cracks. Why is that not OK? It doesn't make sense. It's all in our flesh and it's all a lie that we don't have to live by it anymore.

I love your message. I love what you are doing. It's so beautiful and so needed. It's amazing.

Always Enough, Never Too Much came out April 24th. I will link to all of that for you guys listening.  

For those who maybe want to just connect with you guys and watch you a little bit more personally like Jess, I know you're like me and an Instagram girl, I'll link to all that.

Is there anywhere else you want to lead people where ladies go to follow you and connect with you?

JESS:  I am on jessconnolly.com and yes, always on Instagram. Just can't get enough of it and that's about the only places you'll find me these days.

HAYLEY: I'm hayleymorgan.com and I am on Instagram some.

For me, I am starting to wonder what’s next? Where are we going with this? I am always thinking where our attention is going to next? Where are the younger women going to be placing their attention? So, I'm going to be experimenting a lot in this coming year and seeing what fits with the rhythms in my life and the rhythms of what other people are listening to online.

I'm sure that there will be 10 different things that I try and maybe one that works in the coming months.

ALLIE: Perfect. We'll link to all of that so you guys can connect with Jess & Haley.

I’m so excited for this book to get into the hands of so many women. I'm proud of you guys for first of all, busting stuff out like psychos. Jess, you've done Dance, Stand, Run. Wild and Free was recent.

JESS: Hayley just finished her book. It comes out in the fall.

ALLIE: Yeah, you guys are awesome. I'm so inspired by you and this is great. Thank you so much for your time.  

I will link to everything in the show notes and I'll talk to you next time!

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This was an episode of The Purpose Show.  Thank you so much for tuning in.  If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, head to alliecasazza.com for free downloads, courses, classes and to learn more about what the next step might look like for you.  I am always rooting for you. See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.

 

EP 029: Overcoming Debilitating Perfectionism ft. Jordan Dooley

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Perfectionism is something we all face at one time or another. As women, we take on this pressure to be the best at whatever do. We want to be the best at cleaning or cooking. We want to be the best athlete or entrepreneur. We want to be the best mom. We simply want to be the best and become perfectionists in the process. Jordan Dooley is a recovering perfectionist who is passionate about sharing her story of redemption. She is a full of wisdom when it comes to overcoming perfectionism and I hope you are encouraged by all she has to share on this episode.

 
 

In This Episode, Allie + Jordan Discuss:

  • How to live from a place of purpose instead of perfectionism.

  • The importance of focusing on the purpose behind what you do instead of placing unrealistic expectations on what you do.  

  • Ways to realize when you are acting out of fear instead of purpose.  

  • 3 practical steps to putting perfectionism to rest.

Mentioned in this Episode:

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Does motherhood feel more like a hurricane of chaos that you're surviving rather than the awesome, joy-filled season you want it to be?

Unburdened is exactly what you need. 

If you're wanting to sort through the clutter in your mind, home, calendar, health, routines, and relationships, this guide will help you go from drowning in a sea of stress and overwhelm to owning your time and living the best version of your life.


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


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Hi friends! There is no transcription for this episode. The audio made it tricky! But don’t worry, transcriptions will resume with the next episode! Feel free to listen to the audio button at the top of this page.

Ep 025: How to Deal with Negativity From Other People

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If you have been on the internet for any amount of time, you have probably experienced negativity in some form. Whether it is directly toward you or you see it on someone else’s posts. There is negativity out there big time. It seems anytime you share something, someone will find a way to be offended by it or they will have something negative or irritating to say about it.

Negativity is never going to stop. It will always be there. But instead of trying to avoid it, we need to speak out truth. We need to live our best life and live how we are called to live. We need to set ourselves free from the weight of the opinions of other. Because when you stop letting negativity affect you, you’ve won.

 
 

In This Episode, Allie Discusses:

  • The reality that negativity is always there. But it is how we respond to it that matters.

  • The importance of speaking out truth + living with purpose, regardless of what people say.

  • How you are not called to carry the weight of other people's opinions.

  • What to say when someone is intrusive or puts their opinions on you.

  • What she has learned about silence, when to respond and when not to.

  • The freedom that comes from realizing that you do not have to convince people of anything. Just be you!

  • How you can protect yourself from negativity by removing yourself from unhealthy situations + people.

Mentioned in this Episode:

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Motherhood is just way too sweet a time to be spent struggling so hard and living in survival mode day in and day out. Our stuff is really the cause of that. If you want to start this lifestyle, if you want to simplify your life… I believe that it all starts at home. And Your Uncluttered Home will guide you to that freedom! 


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


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Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.  I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days.  I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it.  Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and i know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood.  I’m Allie Casazza and this is the The Purpose Show.

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Hi friends! This is The Purpose Show. I am so glad you are listening. This is Episode 25 and I am talking today about how to deal with negativity from other people.

If you have been on the internet for any amount of minutes, you have probably experienced seeing a bunch of negative comments on someone’s post or page. Maybe you are an influencer yourself and have been on the brunt end of it. I have gotten negative comments on my personal Facebook page before.

There is negativity out there big time. It seems anytime you share something, someone will find a way to be offended by it or they will have something negative or irritating to say about it. No matter what it is. I have gotten so many negative comments and rude messages. I have even gotten some disturbingly negative, rude, and awful comments.

I think it’s funny. How can you even find anything like that to say about my message? I am talking about lightening your load as a mom. Living an unburdened motherhood. Helping you declutter.

It is so funny that no matter what you talk about, people will find a way to be negative. Or they will find a way to say something that grates your nerves. Or see some way where you are wrong and they feel like they have to show you the right way and put you in your place.

I have also found that if you are an influencer or you have a blog, people seem to think that you think you’re “all that.” They get weird that you even have a platform. They try to be the one to say something to show that you are wrong: “They don’t know this. I know this. I am going to leave this comment and bring them down. Make sure that they know they are wrong.”

It’s like an unspoken war. People get annoyed or upset that you have a platform, and they don’t or something. It’s just funny. It’s 2018. You can literally go and make a blog about anything in about five minutes. If you want a platform, you can go make your own platform instead of purposely bringing someone down who does.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this in light of what I do because I know not everyone is a blogger, an influencer, has a platform or an audience. I want to share some things that I have learned from an excessive amount of negativity. I have had blog posts go viral. I have done major media circuits like Good Morning America, The Jenny McCarthy Show, The Today Show, ABC News, and Fox News. I definitely think that when that happens and you have that virality going on, the negativity swarms you.

Negativity always stands out more than positivity. While all this negativity was coming in, there was probably 90% more positive words coming in. But, by nature, we notice the negative more often. I do want to encourage you that you can train yourself to not notice it as much. You can train yourself to focus on the positive.

I have been in a position where people are slewing negativity at me all of the time. Some of it is really hurtful. Some of it has been disturbingly negative, hurtful and awful. It has taught me how to handle negativity in real life, in day-to-day interactions, that apply to everyone.

I have gotten asked about this quite a few times lately, probably because you see the comments and wonder how I handle it. I am happy to open up and hopefully shine some light on this subject and offer some encouragement.

The negativity is never going to stop. There is always going to be negative people in the world. There is always going to be darkness versus light. Evil versus good. Rudeness versus courtesy. I think instead of trying to avoid it and be people pleasers, we need to speak our truth and live out our purpose. We need to live our best life and live how we are called to live.

Unless you are purposely hurting someone, there is nothing wrong with that. You should be unashamed of that. Unashamedly living our lives well in the way that we feel called to live it, even if others disagree. We need to know how to deal with blatantly negative comments from people.

Let’s first talk about what to say or do when someone is intrusive or puts their opinions on you. Everyone always says, “everyone is entitled to their opinion.” Yes, that’s true. But I don’t think you should be entitled to just blurt out your opinion of how someone else is doing their life.

For example, if an article is on the internet sharing about minimalism. Then saying, “what does everyone think about this?” Then letting everyone share their opinion because “everyone is entitled to their opinion.” How ever strongly worded they want their opinion to be is on them, and that reveals their character.

But here is an example, in my opinion, of a “not OK” time to share your opinion. You decide to stop homeschooling and put your kids in public school. Maybe a relative or someone says, “Well, they are definitely going to get mixed up in the wrong crowd now. It might be fine now, but when they are teenagers, you are really going to regret this.”

That’s a “not OK” time to put your opinion on someone else. That’s a complete opinion - that every kid who goes to public school turns out a certain way. That is totally untrue. It is not backed up by anything, and that’s someone’s opinion. If these were her children, she would not do that, which makes it her opinion. But these are your children and you are doing this. For someone to forge their way into your life and inflict their opinion on you is wrong and rude.

I think the best way to look at this is that this person is being a bully. They are making you listen to their opinion. They are putting you down. They are making you feel “less than.” And that’s what bullies do. The best way to handle it, unfortunately, is to “kill them with kindness.”  And it sucks. It is hard. It definitely not my normal reaction to things.

Either be silent and smile. Or maybe say, “Wow! You feel really strongly about that. OK, I am going to go check on the kids,” and then just walk away. Or say something totally kind like, “Wow! You feel really strongly about that. I am really impressed by your striking opinions about raising kids. I think it is really neat that you feel so strongly about that.” You literally turn it on its head and reverse it. You get what I am saying?

It is almost sarcastic. You are backing up and giving them the floor. Acknowledging, “That’s a lot. That’s a very forceful statement that you just said.” They wanted you to see that they feel really strongly and it’s very important to them. You can just smile and move on.

I have had a circumstance where someone was very rude and intrusive, and they really put me down with the decision that I had made. And I just said, “Wow! You really feel strongly about this. I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t feel that way. This is just what works out for us.” Then I just walked off.

You are giving them the space to share their very loud feelings. Then you are gently reminding them “this is your opinion; not mine. If I felt like that it would be really unfortunate for me because this is how life is going right now.” Just let it go and don’t try to match it with your opinion.

I have found that doing that, in person or on live streams, has really helped. You can just ignore a comment online. I also want to say there is such a strong case for silence. Almost always the answer is just to not respond, especially if it is online.

If you are on Facebook and there’s a relative who is chronically rude and negative, or has to find a loophole to a helpful article you shared, and has to say something rude about it all of the time, just don’t give it the time of day. Don’t delete it. Don’t respond to it. Just let it sit there. Just let them do their thing. Just be silent.

This is how I handle messages that are alarmingly rude, mean, annoying, not nice, or not helpful. I have had people tell me they hate the sound of my voice. They wished I would just change the way I talk so they could get the great message inside of my podcast episodes. I have had a few people tell me that I am extremely annoying. That I am ugly. That I am a terrible mother. That my kids should be taken away from me. What? OK.

I have had people tell me some really awful things. But I have also had people say things like “You have such a pretty face, you really shouldn’t hide it with those big, hipster glasses.” And I am like, “What do you want me to do? I’m blind. Those are my glasses.”

People are so mean. The best way to handle those kinds of things on both ends of the spectrum is just silence. Just silence. Don’t even give it attention.

Also give it silence in your own brain. It is not worth the space in your own brain and for you to worry about it, or let it bother you. Learn to let it go.

I think a big part of dealing with negative people and negativity from other people, is learning and realizing that you do not have to convince them of anything. You do not have to convince them that you are a good homeschooler and this is going to work for your kids. You do not have to convince anyone that this move across the country is the right thing for your family. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to uphold that in yourself.

I always remind myself of that. I don’t have to convince people that minimalism works. That’s not my job. I don’t have to explain myself. I don’t have to convince them.

If someone is rude to me or tells me that what I do is a waste of time, is stupid and pointless, I don’t have to convince them of that. I don’t have to convince them of anything.

I don’t have to convince people that homeschooling is right for my family. I don’t have to convince them that I don’t need to have a capsule wardrobe. That was a good one. The podcast episode that came out in the beginning of this podcast (I don’t remember what episode it was), was about not having a capsule wardrobe. I got lots of messages saying, “Thank you! This was so freeing for me. I always feel like I should have a capsule wardrobe, but it really doesn’t work for me. I just want to thank you for sharing that you don’t have one and it doesn’t work for you either.”

Then I got a bunch of other messages saying, “You obviously don’t even know what a capsule wardrobe is. You should go check out this girl. You should really reconsider. You are totally being a hypocrite.” These negative messages – who cares if I have a capsule wardrobe? It was hard for me to do that episode because it was like, “Who cares?”

But I am glad I did because it put the message out there that I wanted. That it is not about following rules. Minimalists have capsule wardrobes. I am one of the trailblazers in the minimalist niche so I should have a capsule wardrobe. It is not about that. It is about setting yourself free and doing what works for you. Just sharing your message. That’s all I am doing – sharing my message. If you like it, great! If you don’t, that’s OK.

People have to try to convince you that you are wrong. That their way is better. When I release the approach of convincing other people that I am right, it fizzles out the argument. There is nothing else to say.

For example, when I did the episode about capsule wardrobes. All I said was that this didn’t work for me. I tried it for a long time and it totally stole my joy. So, I let it go. Now I am happier. This is what I do and it’s great.

Then people sent me messages trying to convince me. That’s what the fight usually is. Them trying to convince you. “I don’t like what you just said because it brings up something in me about the way I am doing my own life, so I want to tell you that you are wrong. Try to convince you that I am right.”

If I were to respond convincing them that my way is right, it just fuels that fire. Fans the flames. But when I am coming from a place where I know that I don’t have to convince anyone that I am right, then there is no gasoline on that fire. There is no more air. It fizzles out. It takes two people to argue.

Just respond with “I am so glad you love capsule wardrobes. I totally see the point of them. I think it is great that you have figured out something in such a troublesome area of life (the wardrobe) that works for you.” Or just don’t respond at all if they were super rude.

I give you these examples to base your real-life or social media interactions. Stop trying to convince people that you are right. That’s what most of them are doing to you. If you don’t do it back you can let go of that need to be right. That need to say the last word. That need to correct. That need to come out on top. If you do that, you won’t have a lot of controversy.

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I think it is also important to set yourself free from the weight of opinions of others. You are not called to carry that. It doesn’t matter. If you let yourself hold on to other people’s opinions and it bothers you that your relatives don’t agree with how you’re raising your kids, where you’re moving, or your marriage choices, it really doesn’t matter. If you choose to carry the weight of their opinion, you are going to feel so heavy. I think it is really important to let that go.

For me and my faith, there is only a couple of opinions that matter to me: the Lord’s and if I am following His will for my life, and my husband. I care very much about what my husband thinks. We are in agreement with things that matter. That’s all I really care about. Of course, I care about the opinions of the other people who I care about and am doing life with, but in a healthy way.

If my mom didn’t agree about homeschooling and I know this is right for us, that would be OK with me. There is a difference in seeking wise counsel and caring about the opinion and carrying that weight. Set yourself free from that. You will feel so much lighter.

I also want to address removing yourself from unhealthy situations. I am going to use Facebook as an example. I like social media. I think it is really neat. I have moved across the country away from everyone that I know and love before. I have a business that thrives on social media. I keep in touch with grandparents that way. I have loved social media since it came out.

I used to use my personal Facebook account all the time. I would share things on there. I would share what was going on in our day, share videos of the kids, and use it for what it was meant for. But I found that Facebook, for some reason, was chronically negative. It really started to bring me down.

Then a couple of years ago around the time I started my business, I just found myself wanting to use it less and less. I started to dread going on there. Every time I did go on there, I would leave feeling “less good” about myself and my day. It became this war zone of opinions. I started to really not like it.

I found myself wanting to help and share. I would share a helpful article or something that happened with the kids, and I would get a comment, “Oh were you driving when you videotaped this?” Of course, I wasn’t driving. Why would I post a video of me playing with my son when I am driving?

Or I would share a helpful article and someone would say something like, “Oh, I read about this. Actually, apples are causing cancer and you shouldn’t eat apples, so this is all a lie.” It was really annoying all the time.

I actually stopped using Facebook personally. Now I don’t go on and update my personal Facebook ever. I actually posted on there a few months ago saying, “Hey friends and family! Sorry, we moved back to California, so we are here. We don’t really use Facebook anymore, so if you don’t follow us on Instagram, you probably don’t know what is going on with us.”

It had been years since I updated my Facebook page. I really go on there to interact with the ladies in my business Facebook groups. I don’t use my personal Facebook anymore for personal reasons. I needed to remove myself from an unhealthy situation.

You have to find the balance. What is your heart issue? What is something you need to get over and work through? What is a chronic negative energy in your life that you can expel?  Facebook was mine.

It might be a person, too. It might be a person that you can get away from. If it is someone that you work with and is there every time you go to work, that’s something that is different that you will have to find a way to work through.

Just because someone is related to you, doesn’t mean they have a right to drain you. To be a vampire in your life, to drain the energy from you constantly. You can set up boundaries and stop seeing that person.

However this may apply to your life, I would encourage you to look for ways to remove yourself from unhealthy situations where it chronically and constantly brings you down, like Facebook was for me.

One other thing I have been learning about the last few months is the idea of everyone being a mirror. I learned this as I have been diving into the idea of mindfulness. I would describe mindfulness as taking a deep breath in regular life situations. Of being a bit reflective as things are happening, as conversations are unfolding.  Being aware of what this other person means, is feeling, or why they are saying what they are saying, and how I am feeling and why I feel that way.

This has really helped me in family relationships that have always been kind of hard for me, always been strained, or I felt the need to defend myself, or act a certain way.  It has fallen away because I have been practicing mindfulness. I realize that this person is hurting and the reason they are saying things that frustrate me, is actually coming from a place of hurt. It helps you turn your disdain or frustration into pity and empathy.

One of the practices of mindfulness that I have really been helped by is the idea that everyone is a mirror. If someone says something that aggravates or bothers you, even if it wasn’t actually negative but triggered something in you, maybe that is something in yourself that you need to look at.

Maybe you find yourself easily offended at something someone said. Maybe every time you are around this person you feel on edge. Or they say something that really rubs you the wrong way all the time. If you tell your spouse, or talk out loud of what they said, and the other person doesn’t really understand why it bothered you so much, it’s probably your own issue.

I would encourage you to try this. Basically, the idea is everyone is a mirror. The way we react to the things they say and do, is really about what is going on in us and how that makes us feel. If you think someone is a really critical person and you just can’t stand how critical they are, you are maybe noticing that about them because you are really critical.  Maybe you are being critical and you don’t like that about yourself, so you notice it in other people.

If you ever stop to think about it, a lot of the times when you don’t like someone, they rub you the wrong way, or you don’t actually “click”, they are a lot like you. That’s why opposites attract. Usually people who are very similar won’t get along so well.

For example, I am talking to my mom. She is telling me about her week and she says something that makes me feel irritated. Why does that irritate me? It is probably something more in me than it is in her.

This practice is really helpful. I want to always be self-reflective and looking in myself first, rather than blaming everyone else and thinking everyone else is so negative, critical, or judgmental. Usually, it is something in me that needs to be looked at and can be fixed. Something that I could work on.

This has been a good practice to mature me. It has helped me with the relationships with people who are in my life. I need to not be so tense around these people. I would say 80% of the time it has been my issue, not the other person.

A lot of the times, the person does have an issue, but why does it bother me so much? Why does it bother me that this friend seems to always need my approval? Or always needs to “one up” me?  Why does that bother me? Why can’t I accept this person has to always “one up” people and just let it be? The fact that it is irritating and bothering me says something about me rather than them.

It’s like the scripture about pointing out the speck in your brother’s eye when you have a lot in your own. It has been helpful for me to practice that mindfulness.

The other day, I was talking with a friend and they asked about what was going on in my business, so I shared some exciting new things that have happened.  This person had to add, “Oh did I tell you about this?” and added something that had happened in her life recently.

It bothered me. Instead of me thinking “Oh my gosh! You can’t let me talk for two seconds and be happy that something good is going on with me?” I asked myself why it was bothering and irritating me?  Why are these emotions coming up about her issue? If her issue is that she is insecure and she has to make sure I know that good things happen for her too, why can’t that just be it? Period? That I notice that? Why are these feelings of irritation coming up in me?  There is something in me that needs to be worked on?

See what I mean? It is a helpful thing to have in your back pocket as you talk and interact with people.

We have talked about how to deal with negativity. We have talked about sometimes they are not being negative and it is your issue and not theirs. But when they are being negative, rude, or intrusive, it is their issue with themselves much more often than it is an issue with you.  

Going back to the homeschooling example, the comments have been so fun to read about homeschooling, putting them in public school, and then homeschooling again. It is not their business.

But a lot of the time, it was the other person’s issue. Maybe they feel self-conscious that I am homeschooling, and therefore I think public school is evil and anyone who sends their kids to public school is a bad mom. Maybe they are reacting defensively before the offense was even made.

By the way, that’s not true. I do not think that. I have had my kids in all types of school. I think it is about how you are raising them and not how you school them.  

Anyway, a lot of the time their negativity is more about an issue within them than it is actually an issue with what you are doing. Even if it is an issue with you or what you are doing, remember that you know you are doing what you are called to do. You know that you are not perfect at it, but you are acting out of what you feel is best for you and your family.  That’s what you need to stand in.

For me, if someone says something that really is an issue with me and they do think I am making a mistake (we shouldn’t have moved, we shouldn’t be in this house, we should not have homeschooled again), I know that I am doing what I am called to do. I know that I am following the peace of God in my life. I know that I am not perfect. I know that I do not act like I am perfect also. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

You do you. And if someone has a problem with it, it is often their problem. Even if it is truly an issue with you and a choice you have made – even that – is their issue. It is their issue that they have a problem with something you have done. It is not their life. They have a control issue or something.

I hope this helps. There was a time in my business when everything was pretty new. Things had really picked up and there were a lot more people having eyes on me, my business, and my blog. The words that I was reading were so difficult. It really bothered me.

It took a long time and a lot of practice to let things go. Still every once in a while, there will be something that really bothers me, but it takes so much more now. It is so rare now. It used to be every time.  I would have to say something back and put them in their place.

Now it is not worth the time. I am able to let it go. It doesn’t bother me. I move on.

Let these words make you better. That’s how you’ve won. Grow from it. Practice mindfulness. Do the mirror thing, where everyone is a mirror. Work on yourself. Use their words and negativity to work on yourself. Mature yourself. Grow into the bigger person.

When you stop letting negativity affect you, you’ve won.

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This was an episode of The Purpose Show.  Thank you so much for tuning in.  If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, head to alliecasazza.com for free downloads, courses, classes and to learn more about what the next step might look like for you.  I am always rooting for you. See ya next time!