clutter

Ep 096: Real Women Are Strong Women

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Sometimes we shame ourselves, but a lot of the time it's other people who shame us. From breastfed to formula fed, working from home or at a 9 to 5 office job, having a clean home or a messy home, your birth plan, how you school your kids, and so much more. Shame comes in all directions and most of us feel like we never do anything right because we are being shamed all the time. But we have to stop this! No one is going to come in and help us with this. We have to be on each other's side. We have to shut this down. We have to stop judging each other. All we have is each other and we have to stop turning against each other. Who is with me?? Let’s do this together.

 
 

In This Episode Allie Discusses:

  • Specific ways we shame one another, especially as women.

  • The importance of surrounding yourself with people who support you, not tear you down.

  • What you can do to help fight against shaming.

  • How powerful “not knowing” can be.  

Mentioned in this Episode:


Your Uncluttered Home is my signature online course and it is changing mom lives all over the globe. I'm super, super proud of it. It is the next step into real action for you if you want to go all in with living in an uncluttered home that allows you to spend your time focused on what matters. And there is a community of women waiting to support you and rally around you in the journey!


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


Don't have time to listen_.jpg

Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to. I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days. I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it. Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and I know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.

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Hey, beautiful! Welcome! I'm really glad that you're here! We're going to dive right in to a very important discussion about real women, strong women and mom-shaming.

Sometimes we shame ourselves, but a lot of the time it's other people who shame us. Other people that we love and respect who shame us. This can be a heavy episode, but while focusing on the heavy things, it's also going to be an incredibly lightening episode.

I'm just excited to dive in.

Right before I recorded this, I was sitting at my desk just looking at my notes on the things that I want to cover today and just feeling really honored that I even get to have a platform that I know people listen to, to talk about this on. This is the kind of stuff that just lights me up and makes me feel like everything that it took to build this platform is worth it. If I can shine a light on these things and help bring truth and life to you guys in these areas, then it was all worth it.

I want to discuss the things that are often viewed and treated as failures for women. And I want to point out before I go down this list that I'm going to read to you guys...there's a list that I have here of things that women in my actual audience responded to when I asked them, “What are some things that are a part of your motherhood that you have felt shamed and judged for?” That's all I asked. I didn't give them any other preface to it. I just asked, “Off the top of your head, what are the things in your motherhood that you have felt shamed and judged for,” and they were able to submit their answers.

There wasn't a long space for answers. It was very short. It had to be just really short. I did that on purpose so that they could, “what’s on the top of your head, what's the main point of it” and not give the backstory.

And these responses are incredibly disheartening.

I want to point out the irony of the opposites on this list. Okay? I'm going to read them to you:

Having C-sections. Formula feeding. I get disapproving looks in public and even comments. Mistakes in parenting. Working and not being a stay-at-home mom. Being a stay-at-home mom and not working. Being too young to become a mother when I was 21 and we felt ready. Homeschooling my kids.

Having a clean home. Having a messy home. Extended breastfeeding. Prioritizing our marriage and leaving the kids with a sitter once a week. Not having an out-of-home date night away from the kids because I didn't want to leave them with anyone. Having a home birth. Choosing to be a single mom and not stick it out in an abusive marriage.

Having a large family and overpopulating the earth. My child's meltdowns due to special needs that are not obvious to the casual observer. Co-sleeping with my baby. Losing the baby weight right away without trying. I got so much hate for that.

Being organized and put together. Overscheduling my kids and extra activities. Not having my kids in enough extra activities. Educating myself like crazy and choosing not to vaccinate my kids. Researching a ton and choosing to vaccinate my kids.

Planning to have a natural childbirth but opting for an epidural during labor. I am treated like I was weak.

Feeding my family nonorganic foods. Changing my mind. Having childcare so I can work.

On this one she wrote quote from my mother-in-law: “I don't know why you bother having kids if you're just going to have someone else raise them.”

When these were coming in on my phone, I was reading them live. I left my phone open and let them pour in. For about an hour, I just sat there journaling some thoughts that I had for this episode and some things that I wanted to say, and then I would periodically look at my phone and see what responses had come in.

I got so emotional and just started to cry. My mom was actually over and we talked about it. It just poured out of us. How ridiculous this is. How sad this is.

And the irony of the opposite answers, these opposite responses. Having an outside date night with my husband so we can prioritize our marriage; not having an outside of the house date night away from the kids because I'm not ready to leave them. Homeschooling; sending my kids to school. Like these are opposite - vaccinating; not vaccinating. These are opposite responses.

Some moms feel really judged that their house is clean; some feel judged that their house is messy. “I'm shaming you because your house is clean and it brings out something in me that I feel inadequate about, so I'm going to make you feel bad about it.” “Oh, your house is messy. Why can't you get it together?” You know, it's these opposites? So ironic!

And the fact is what this shows me is that this is ludicrous. We can't win no matter what we do there is someone who is unhappy about our choice. Why do they even care, first of all? And that person lets you know exactly what they think in a very judgmental, shaming way.

I was having a conversation with my friend Kendra, some of you guys know her. She runs motherlikeaboss. We were talking about passive aggressive comments that lead to mom-shaming.

It sounds something like this. Someone asks you something and you answer them and say whatever it is that you and your family do. Like let's say it's not vaccinating, or not feeding your kids every single thing that's organic, whatever it is. And the person will respond with something like, “Wow! I would never do that. But I guess I'm just different.” Something like that. So passive aggressive that it leaves you standing there with your mouth open. Like, “I feel like crap. And what do I even say here?”

There was a study that was done recently that I read about in an article that revealed that most mom-shaming comments come from family members. That is so sad.

And in that same study it showed that 42% of the women who received critical remarks said that it made them feel unsure about their parenting judgment that they'd previously felt really good about after a lot of thought.

So, basically these women are raising people - that's scary in itself. They're doing the best they can. They're thinking it through, probably talking it out with their spouse, researching and they land on a decision: “This feels good to me. For me and my kids, this feels right.” And then they get shamed and judged verbally and it leaves them feeling unsure about a decision they had previously felt really good about.

Here's the thing, those people are not the parents of your kids. I say this all the time and it is worth saying again here: You, sweet mama, you, were chosen out of every single woman who has ever lived in any era of time to be the mother of your child or your children.

It doesn't matter if you have bio kids, if your kids are adopted, if you are a stepmom, it doesn't matter. You were chosen. In some way, shape or form, you were intentionally chosen to be their mom.

It is on you how they're raised. What decisions you make. What kind of food they eat. What kind of school they go to. What kind of stuff you put into their body, vaccine or otherwise. How many siblings they have or don't have. How many babysitters are in their lives or not. How many date nights you and your husband have or not. It's up to you. It is up to you, not them.

So first of all, I just have to say that. Just remember it is on us. And when all is said and done, how our kids turn out - honestly, it's kind of a toss-up. I really am not a fan of when people blame the parents for everything. It's not, you know what I mean? That’s not the case.

Kids are their own people. They're going to grow up with their own brains. They're getting influence from other people in other areas and they're going to do their own thing. They're going to turn into adults. But for now, as we're raising them, it's our responsibility and our choice how their childhood is. How they grow up. The things they eat, see, do, and get signed up for. Where they sleep and how we handle their meltdowns. All of that.

And you know what's really sad is that one. That one that said, “My child's meltdowns that are due to special needs, which are not obvious to the casual observer.” I can just see this poor woman in Target trying to check out and her child having a massive meltdown that just looks like ‘what a brat’ and it's special needs and you can't tell from the outside, not that that should even matter. And strangers leering at her and shooting her looks like ‘get it together’ when she is trying. Even the fact that she's out at Target with her child who she's gone through so much with is a win and people are shooting her down.

We as women have to stop this. We have to stop. No one is going to come in and help us with this. We have to be on each other's side. We have to shut this down. We have to stop judging each other, leering at each other, speaking ill of each other and gossiping about each other. It's poison. All we have is each other and we have to stop turning against each other.

Having said that, I get super emotional about this, obviously. Having said that, I want to go over some things. These are some things I've had come up in conversations with friends, some things that I've learned, you know, by myself and some things that just came to me as I was journaling through this episode while reading these responses from women in my audience to what they felt shamed about.


Hey friends, if you are not one of my students in the Your Uncluttered Home community, you have got to get your booty over there. Your Uncluttered Home is my signature online course and it is changing mom lives all over the globe. I'm super, super proud of it. It is the next step into real action for you if you want to go all in with living in an uncluttered home that allows you to spend your time focused on what matters. And that's what we're always talking about, right? Don't just take my word for it though. Listen to these words from one of my beautiful Your Uncluttered Home students.

Hey guys! This is Nina from Oklahoma. Instead of our house looking like a tornado had gone through it, now when we walk through the door, we feel peace, rest, and happiness. Your Uncluttered Home course has changed our lives by giving us the gift of time. The course gave us the tools to accomplish what we've always dreamed of…a place of rest, a manageable, clean home, and most important, more time with our families. Thanks Allie!

To join the Your Uncluttered Home party go to alliecasazza.com/unclutter.  Enter code PURPOSESHOW at checkout for 10% off. That's for listeners only.

I can't wait to see your introduction in the course community so I can welcome you and see your progress photos.


I want to go over some things that you can do about this. Unfortunately, it's a real problem. It's probably not going to go away anytime soon unfortunately. So on top of being a part of the change and not being a part of the problem, and cutting gossip straight up out of your life, stop talking about other people no matter what you think they did or didn't do.

Guys, I know it's hard. I know it's hard. I had somebody who is very dear to me and worked for me, steal from me, and we're in the same circle. We’ve got friends in common. I will not speak badly about her and her character. I won't. I can say the facts, say what happened, this is what we did about it, and that relationship is over. It's very sad, but I'm not going to pull the whole defamation of character thing. Even if it's true, it doesn't matter. You've got to draw a line.

It's awkward. I've had to say, “I'm not going to gossip about this.” We've got to do that because the line has to be drawn somewhere. That's an example of someone actually doing something terrible.

When one mom is doing parenthood one way and you don't like it, what gives you the right to shoot her a look, put her down or talk badly about her to somebody else because it's different than what you would do? Who cares? It's her child.

So, first of all, we’ve got to go there and stop that. We've got to stop it.

For the moms who are dealing with this kind of thing, who are feeling this way of feeling these reactions from people in your life about the choices that you're making, here's what we can do about it.

Number one, expect to be judged. A motherhood without judgment is unfortunately highly unlikely. Learn to expect it so that when it does happen, you're not so caught off guard. I'm really sad to even be having to give this point in this podcast episode. But I do think that it's worth saying. Just expect it so it's not so, “I'm shocked by this. I'm shocked that someone's unhappy about this.”

Take it from me. A part of my job is to just inevitably get people's opinions about me - how I look, how I talk. You know, I'm a Christian and sometimes I think there's just no other word to describe things than with a curse word and I don't really care. And that's just how I am. People say things about that all the time. If that's your problem then don't do it. Just don't do it.

Don't tell me how to talk.

Don't tell me that I need to dress different because it's not flattering to my shape.

Don't tell me that I go on too many (I've been told this) I go on too many date nights. What about my kids? First of all, I homeschool them and I work from home. I get plenty of my kids. And that's why we have so many date nights. Not that it's any of your freaking business.

So, I get it. It's part of my job. The con of what I do, who I am, what I've built with this audience, is just getting needless remarks, from people that I will never even meet, about exactly what they think about me and my lifestyle.

So, let me take this lesson that I've learned and give it to you who may not be in the same public situation and say, it doesn't matter what you say or do. You're going to be judged and people are going to be unhappy. So be yourself. Follow your gut. Pray about it. See how you feel. Make your decisions for your kids yourself and expect that you're going to be judged.

I promise you, you're going to feel so much better and you're not going to be so caught off guard. You're not going to be hurt. You're not going to be bothered about it all day. It's not going to ruin your day, or even your hour, because you're going to know ‘we're doing this and I'm going to be judged for it.’

Let's go back to the date night example. Brian and I have talked about this so many times and have landed here. We have a lot of date nights. We have basically a weekly meeting about business and homeschooling because there's a lot going on and we're in charge of a lot of things and we need to go over that together. And then we have a date night every week.

And you know what? Sometimes it's just too much and we just need it and we'll go out again. My brother, he works for us and he watches the kids. He's so good with them and I adore him. He comes over like, “Yeah, okay, I'll come over and watch the kids again.” We get so much flack for that.

And you know what? These people are the people who have other problems. It's not about us, it's about them. Maybe they're feeling guilty that they don't prioritize their marriage or sad that their spouse doesn't want to spend time with them. Whatever it is, whatever it's coming from, it's coming from somewhere negative in them, not negative about us. Who cares?

And I only show parts of how much time we spend alone together. If I actually opened up and showed everything (which I don't even want to do because I don't like even having my phone) then what else would people say? Who cares? Leave us alone. It doesn't matter.

Remove yourself from the situation. Let it go. Do what is going to work for you. You know, these are the same people who would be extremely judgmental if our marriage ended and we got a divorce because we didn't prioritize ourselves enough for what our lifestyle needed. So, no matter what you do, they're not going to be happy with you.

And why are you trying to make them happy anyway? Take it from me. Live your life. Do what feels good to you. Do what feels right for you and your family. Talk to your spouse (if you have one). Decide for yourself (if you're a single mom). Decide what's going to work for you and do it expecting that somebody is going to be unhappy about it and remembering that it doesn't freaking matter.

And when all is said and done, if nothing else, remember that your BFF Allie is getting judged a heck of a lot harder than you are. Maybe that will help you feel a little bit better.

Going back to what do we do about this? I think number two has to be realize that, like I said before, that this so often has nothing to do with you as a mom and everything to do with them as a person. For example, maybe your mom makes a comment only to insert herself in your child's life and your parenting so that she feels more involved. That's about her feeling like she doesn't matter. It's not about you being a bad mother. So remember, almost always comments have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. And that's a really powerful piece of knowledge to remember when you're struggling with something that somebody has said or the way they looked at you and made you feel.

Next thing is ask yourself if this person is just a know-it-all who's talking just to hear themselves talk and to seem smart about something that they're actually really insecure about, or maybe they're making up for something else in their life that they feel ashamed of. A lot of people bring others down to avoid the shame they feel about themselves.

So again, this goes back to #2. It's about them and not you. It brings it into a new light. It can help to feel sad for somebody who's being mean to you and judging you for something if you see it that way. That basically they're just really insecure. They're feeling shamed by themselves so they are putting that shame out on you instead to make themselves feel better.

Next, I think you need to limit your time with the shamers. If they're in your life, if they’re family - as that study showed that most people who feel shamed from somebody, the shame is coming from family members - set some boundaries. Get away from them. Don't spend time with them. Don't say ‘yes’ to that dinner party if you know you're going to leave feeling dogged for your momming. Don't do that.

Read the book Boundaries. Like now. I'll link to it in shownotes. It's amazing and a classic and a life changer.

Limit your time with them. Set boundaries. Step away. Get away from them. Don't make them a part of your life more than they need to be.

Also find your people and surround yourself with the people in the outlets that lift you up and get you. If you're a single mom, find a single mom’s group to hang out with, breastfeeding groups, formula feeding groups, friends who love and accept you, even if you're doing things differently.

Even podcasts and following certain public figures online who make you feel good, inspired, and encouraged can be super helpful if you don't have an in-person circle.

So basically, what is the venue you're feeling really judged and shamed for? Find people who agree with you.

I never want to be closed-minded and only hanging out with people who agree with me about everything, especially in faith and Christianity, that's a dangerous thing to do because people are very closed-minded. They're very judgmental. Honestly, I say this all the time and I'll say it again, Christians can really suck and they can be really embarrassing. So much so that I often don't even like to label myself that because it's embarrassing. They're full of hate and they just are embarrassing.

And so, you know, find people that agree with you.

You know, again, we don't want to be closed-minded and just only hang out with people who are like us and avoid all conflict, but if you're feeling really shamed about something, go and find somebody who gets you. If you're feeling really bad that breastfeeding didn't work out for you, or you just didn't want to do it, you're formula feeding your baby and you feel super dogged about that, go and find a formula feeding group. Be encouraged there. Make a friend. Let yourself be immersed in people who are doing what you're doing and that'll help you so much.

Also, I think you need to know that some days you're going to have guilt and you're going to struggle with a feeling that you've messed up, with or without the shaming, and that's a normal part of being a parent. So here are some things you can do. Maybe you could jot these down. I purposely left this at the end of the episode so you could easily go back and find it. Jot these things down and work through them when you feel guilty or like you've messed up or you're struggling with guilt and shame in yourself about your parenting.

First, evaluate your feelings. Are they authentic? Is this an authentic thing? I feel really guilty because I yelled at my son when he dropped cereal on the floor. That's authentic. You don't want to do that. That's not the kind of parent you want to be. What can we do about that? Evaluate how you're feeling. Where is it coming from?

Also ask yourself is this fear based? Are you feeling really guilty about formula feeding your baby or breastfeeding your baby because you feel like they're not getting enough nutrients and the doctor told you that they're not. But he seems totally healthy and happy. He’s sleeping great. He's happy and he seems to be doing well. That's fear based.

Are you worried about formula feeding because somebody made you feel really guilty about that and the formula is going to cause cancer? That's fear-based.

Are these things authentic? Are they coming from a place of fear?

What do you feel is right for your family in your gut? That's the next question. What do you feel is right for your family in your gut?

Also, never be afraid of research. Research and see for yourself what you think is right.

And also, guys, it is okay to not know everything. It's okay. You're a mom; you're not God. And you're not meant to know every single thing about every single thing. It's okay that you fed your kids something without realizing fully what was in it. It's okay.

It is okay to not know everything. Give yourself some dang grace. Mothers need the most grace out of everybody and receive the least.

What I hope this episode does for you is that I hope it sets you free. I hope you feel set free. And for all you mamas who responded to what you feel shamed and judged for with C-sections, formula feeding and all those things, please know that I get it. I still get it. I so understand, especially with the C-section thing, and that might be another episode.

I totally get it. And I get judged daily for the way I live my life. So, remember your BFF Allie is getting it way worse than you are and I understand, if nothing else, I understand and we can have camaraderie in that.

Remember that you're amazing. You're doing a fantastic job. You're doing what you feel is right and that's your job. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and just remember that you're doing great!


This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend!

See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.

EP 095: Allie & Brian Get A Marriage Coaching Session From a Personality Expert

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A few months ago I had Enneagram expert and coach, Beth McCord, on the show to discuss all things Enneagram. In this episode, Beth is chatting with Brian and I about the Enneagram in the context of marriage. It’s a fun coaching, therapy session! We get real vulnerable as we discuss our personality differences and the hot button issues in our marriage (everyone has one!). Beth helped us navigate how to handle issues that continuously come up in our marriage! We've seen a big difference in the mutual respect level between us and that is because Beth helped us understand each other’s personality! She is amazing and inspiring, and I know you will walk away challenged in your own marriage.

 
 

In This Episode Allie, Brian, and Beth Discuss:

  • The value of the enneagram in understanding your own personality and how it integrates into your marriage.

  • How the enneagram will help you navigate responding to your spouse and their needs.

  • Ways to handle conflict resolution in light of the enneagram and your spouse’s personality.

Mentioned in this Episode:


The whole premise of Declutter Like a Mother  is to focus on decluttering 30 minutes a day, every day, for 30 days. But you aren’t doing it alone, you are doing it alongside a community of warriors! We rally. We focus. And it just creates this team atmosphere unlike anything else. That's why I get so amped up about it and I'm always urging everybody to join.

This is the time! If you like accountability, if you like that team feeling, if you like me and you want to hang out with me and hear me talk about this in a really focused, intentional way, Declutter Like a Mother is where you need to be! It's totally free to sign up! I hope to see YOU there!


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


Don't have time to listen_.jpg

Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to. I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days. I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it. Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and I know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.

_______________________________________________________________

Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to. I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days. I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it. Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and I know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.


Hey guys! I'm so glad to be here with you! Welcome to The Purpose Show!

Somebody messaged me the other day on Instagram and said, “I really hate when people say, ‘hey guys.’ I'm a girl. Like, could you stop saying that?” And I think subconsciously I wanted to spite them, because it irked me and I said, ‘hey guys’ accidentally intentionally. Anyway, everyone has an opinion about everything, right?

Today's episode is phenomenal. Not because of me, because of our guests today. My hubby's joining us today. This is going to be so, so good. But there's a couple of things that you need to know before we dive in.

So, this episode is all about marriage and the Enneagram. You can say that word different ways apparently. I've heard the makers of this personality development (it’s not really a personality test; it's like a personality development…a whole big thing) say it one way and then other people who coach in it say Enneagram (anagram). There's so many different ways to say it and opinions. I just say it however it comes out of my mouth in a sentence. So, it's fine.

But we're talking about the Enneagram today and how it has to do with marriage. This episode is really, really special because Brian and I are sitting down and basically getting a coaching call with Enneagram coach and expert Beth McCord.

If you're unfamiliar with the Enneagram, basically it’s sort of like a personality test, but it's an extremely deep dive. It's so much more above and beyond, and deeper than just a personality test like the Myers Brigg test that's been so popular for decades.

If you're not familiar with it, definitely Google it. You might be a little confused on this episode. I mean, not really, but it just helps if you have a basic understanding of the Enneagram, what it is and how it works.

Beth McCord is our coach today. She's basically doing a live Enneagram therapy session with Brian and I and it's really awesome. We get really vulnerable. We even bring to the table one of the common conflicts that we have. We bring it to Beth and ask her with our personalities, the way that our minds work and the way that we function as two different people, how can we better handle this so that we stop hitting this wall and stop coming back to this typical marriage conflict and she was so helpful. Her answer really helped us and we've been applying it ever since we recorded this and it's been so, so helpful.

We've seen a big difference in the mutual respect level between us. This everyday conflict, the thing we bring up, is one of our typical walls that we bump into as a married couple. I think everybody has things like that. We brought Beth ours, one of our main things. It hasn't come up lately and I really think it's because we learned to respect each other a little bit more, understand each other and know how to communicate this issue better to each other. Super, super helpful.

Brian and I talked when we first had the idea to create this episode for you guys and we really got on the same page and both agreed it is always awkward to be vulnerable and raw when there's millions of people listening, but we're not afraid to do that.

We want to help you guys and I really believe that the key to changing the world and helping other people is by being vulnerable. And if people don't like what we have to say, you know, of course they can stop listening. They can unfollow or whatever floats their boat.

But we want to open up and we want to be really vulnerable. I keep using that word, but we do want to be really vulnerable with you guys, open up and say, “Hey, every marriage hits walls and this is the one that comes up not day-to-day, but week-to-week, month-to-month. It's just our main hot button issue.

It's really interesting, I think, to hear an Enneagram coach who's focused on personalities and focused on how we each function and process things, words and the way that God designed us…to hear an expert on these things give that kind of coaching.

So that's who Beth McCord is. She's incredible. I do want to say that Beth has been on our show before. Her episode was # 86 and I really think you need to listen to that first in order for this episode to give you the most bang for your buck, so to speak, to really make it worth your time and have you fully understand.

In Episode 86 Beth basically intros the Enneagram and goes over each of the 9 types. You can listen to that and let the descriptions of each type trigger you or not trigger you, and  figure out which one you might gravitate toward and which one you might be.

I'm an 8 and Brian is a 2. So as an 8, I'm more what Beth calls ‘a snowplow.’ Always striving for something, always pushing towards something, getting things done, super productive, super driven, super blunt. Brian being a type 2 is more like a servant. He's very sweet and humble. He's always putting others first, almost to the point where it can become a flaw. And it often does. He's very, very sweet and mild mannered. He's very sensitive. I'm sure even as I just described our two types, you can see how we would work really, really great together, and how we might run into conflicts, especially in communication.

This episode is super helpful even if you are not in a relationship where one of you is an 8 and one of you is a 2. Beth did a really phenomenal job of leading us in this episode to be helpful for anybody. Anybody who's married or in a serious relationship where you want to learn how to understand and respect the other person more, and deal with conflict and communication.

Brian and I also discuss a really, really big issue that we hit in our marriage almost in a ‘us against them’ way. Not really in our marriage with each other so much, (although it was that way at first in the first few months of a big shift that happened in our lives) but more like other people not understanding our dynamic, not understanding our roles, and not understanding our marriage, particularly in the Christian world where in my best life and my best role for my personality I'm the breadwinner.

I run the business. I am driven. I'm motivated. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm always on fire mentally where I can come up with ideas. I have a bunch of ways to make money, all these great ideas and I could do a million things at once. I'm so goal-oriented and driven – snowplow.

And Brian is really kind of humble and made to serve and support. He does a great job at that. And other people haven't understood that. I don't want to give too much away, and I don't mean to ramble on, I just think it's really important that you understand how important this episode is and how good it is that you're listening right now.

So, if you want to go back and listen to Episode 86 first, then come back and listen to this. This episode is incredible and I'm so honored to have it be a part of my show.

ALLIE: Hi Beth! Welcome to The Purpose Show again.

BETH: It’s so great to be back. Thanks guys!

ALLIE: Brian's here too. Okay. So, I'm super excited about this. Alright, Beth, they already know what's up and what we're doing, so let’s dive in!

BETH: So, we've got obviously a type 8 and a type 2 and you guys have taken my Exploring You course which has both the Discovering You course, which is the foundational piece of what the Enneagram is, how you use it like an internal GPS and an overview of all types. And then you watched the Exploring You, which is my online coaching course.

Just to let the listeners know…what they did was they had 5 pre-recorded coaching sessions with me that are ready for them to go with guide sheets for each of the 5 coaching sessions. It's specifically talking about why you do what you do. It breaks down your personality so you can understand yourself in a much deeper way and grow without being so overwhelmed. “What is this ‘Enneagram thing’? I don't understand what they're talking about in these books.” I bring it down into a Cliff Notes version.

So, what was it like guys? How did it go?

ALLIE:  Good. I feel like you were the most surprised and maybe you seemed comforted by the information?

BRIAN: Yeah, well it was nice to realize what I am and why I do things. Why I get mad or frustrated. Or how I react certain ways and how you don't. And it makes sense. Then thinking about some of my friends and people that I know…I could probably think, “He's probably a 6 or they are a 4.” Even though they haven't taken it, it makes me understand them better but understand myself too.

ALLIE:  For me, I'm usually the one that will dive into something and be reading, studying about it and pass on the information. And so, it's been really cool for him to listen to you, seeing your face, hearing your voice and hearing you explain, “You probably feel like this when this situation happens,” and it's just comforting. I was really happy to see him. It's freeing, I think. And just helpful.

BETH: Here's the cool thing…now this would be, this is a different question specifically for you guys. So, the listeners out there, they're not a couple most likely that are an 8 and a 2. I mean there's obviously going to be some out there, but there's 45 different combinations when you put them all together.

So that being said, we have a female 8 and a type 2 male. How has that been for you guys now learning about the Enneagram and recognizing how God has created you uniquely to have these really incredible attributes, but also in a society where some of these attributes are confusing in the female/male role?

And I'll explain to the listeners real quick. So, the 8’s can be very bold and aggressive and what you see is what you get. They're going to say it like it is. Whereas the 2’s are very warm, kind, gentle, thoughtful and nurturing. So having that background, tell us what has the dynamics been before learning the Enneagram and the confusion that may have brought you guys, but also now recognizing how beautiful that is to have that combination?

BRIAN:  Looking at it on paper and seeing the 8 being the strength and the abilities that the 8 has compared to the 2, it seems like normally you would say, “Oh yeah, the 2 would be a woman and the 8 would be a strong kind of guy, you know?

ALLIE: Like a stereotype. They’re the opposite.

BRIAN: So that's what's funny. As much as I can be that because I'm a guy and I can be an 8, I just feel in myself I want to do these things like the 2 with us together, supporting you and being behind the scenes. I don't want to necessarily be out in front and be in the spotlight and I'm okay with that. And you know, I know some people aren't.

ALLIE: I’m not. And that was our old life. I don't really know how to word that (old life sounds weird) but the way we used to live and we felt good about it. We know that's where God had us, but I definitely struggled. I was a stay-at-home mom and I was happy doing that. I never thought I'd work or do anything else. But once God shifted where He had us and the business happened, I was kind of like you. I didn't know what I was missing for my personality type until I had it and I felt so much better having two things, like my kids & my family and my business. I realized how strong I am and that my strengths were made to do what I do. But we had years of struggling with our roles switching and each other.

I would say the first six months of Brian quitting his job, his corporate job (because of the business we needed to be home together and run it together) were really, really hard. It was so hard and weird. Lots of bickering, lots of confusion. And then once we were okay with it, we moved back home to California and were hit with other people in our lives having a problem with it.

I talk a lot with him about how it's hard for us to find ‘couple friends’ because the man always seems like he doesn't like me or is threatened by me. We actually lost touch with some friends because the husband said something basically to the effect of “I would never stop providing for my family because my wife was.” He obviously has some kind of insecurity. But things like that, especially in the Christian sphere, it's very the ‘traditional roles’ and that's it and that's what's right.

It's been weird and hard. I struggled. My mom worked. My parents ran a business together. But in my school (we went to a private Christian school) and the churches and the people that I grew up around formed me to struggle deeply with being a woman and working. Not only working but creating jobs, running a business, making more money than men in my life, than my own dad, than people that I respected it. It caused a stir.

It's been so hard along the way. It's weird that that would be a problem for some people, but it is. So, we have had to get really comfortable with that is who you are made to be and God brought us together and look at why. Look what this has turned into. What would happen if my life, my business all turned into this and you were also an 8? Fight much? That would've been terrible.

BETH. So true. That's so true. That's why I wanted to bring up that question because what you just talked about is what so many couples are dealing with, obviously with a different type combination. But they're looking around at everyone else, especially the young couples and going, what's wrong with us? Or why is this so hard? And so much of it is because we don't understand why we do what we do. And definitely the person sleeping next to us. Why are they so weird? They just do things so opposite.

But I think the beauty of the Enneagram is that what you're now being able to see is you guys have “fallen” into this beautiful calling (I mean obviously God lead you there) but it kind of feels like it too, right? You were doing this one life and the traditional thing and then it turned and all of a sudden now you're in this completely opposite role and yet it's working, you know? And I feel like that's such a beautiful thing the Lord has done because it's not that what was happening before was wrong. Like you said, that was His calling on your life then. But he also has graciously brought you to a place that fits you guys really well. Am I my speaking the same thing for you, Brian with the role that you’re playing right now?

BRIAN:  Yeah, it feels like this is my purpose. This is what I was really made to do. I struggled with things, being at work when she needed so much help at home with the kids. I just felt a pull to be here and help out with other things too. Now that we've fallen into this and we're in this place now, it feels more right with how we are together than it was before.

ALLIE: Even though he always said that, and I hate that this is part of our process, but even in the beginning I was like, “Don't you want to do something? Don't you want to do something else?” I'm just so driven, I don't understand that he's so content and knows,

“Nope, this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.” I would try to pull other things out of him and he's like, “No, I know this is where I'm supposed to be.”

And also despite his guy friends saying like…it's always about what do you do? What do you do? What do you do? It’s working so well. When we stop that noise and we focus on who we were made to be, the way God made each of us, what our strengths are, we are so much more successful. We're reaching more people and changing lives. Making more money. Having more joy in our family this way than the old way.

That was basically because that's what we were taught is God's way and I struggled with, “Well then why did You make me so driven? Why did He make me have these ideas?” I would suffer and struggle and go to Him with them. We reached a point where it was like, “Why are we killing ourselves here? We need to step into this, not push it down.”

BETH:  This is a great place where you would implement a “strength finders” mentality. Why not go with your strengths? Why not go with the way God has designed you? Obviously if God calls you to do something that's difficult and hard, obviously we have to step out into that because He is calling it. You probably agree with what I'm going to say.

The role that I'm playing in my company is the most rewarding but hardest thing I've ever done, but I feel like I'm in the right spot. So I'm not saying do what's easy. It's actually not easy, but it is also right.

That's what I love hearing about what you guys are saying because you guys are now doing a new dance in your life. No longer are you stumbling over each other as much because you're in the right positions. And the other thing that you're learning is, wait, I was designed for this. This isn't I'm less of a person because I'm doing a non-traditional role. In fact, I am not only able to bless others, but I'm reaping the rewards too in my own spirit and soul and providing for my family.

I think that's what's really important for people that are listening is how has God designed you? Who has He created you to be and to live in that freedom?

When I talk to people, I'm wanting to bring the full gospel to each person by knowing who they are and whose they are. The who you are part is how did God design you?

With the Enneagram (and there's lots of assessments out there that are great) but with the Enneagram…like for you guys, like you said Allie, you’re driven. You’re a type 8. You're driven. Now that ‘driveness’ can be good and bad, depending on how you use it. And I'm sure you're fully aware of that. I call 8’s ‘snowplows’ and so either you're plowing a path for others and you see them ahead of you and you're like, “Hey everyone, get behind me and I'll plow the path for you.” And then everyone's like, “Thank you! We have to get here and there and everywhere.” And you're happy to do that. That is just the role God created you to be.

But if your heart's out of alignment with the Gospel, you'll start to nick people on the road or plow over people and that's not good. So, the same gifting can be used for good or bad. And then the same for the type 2’s. We all have those things, but once we recognize what it's like when our heart is aligned, we can then better get ourselves in that position. Then it's knowing whose you are in Christ.

What does that mean? It’s being fully redeemed. Fully set free. Being His beloved. Cherished. All those things that people hear, but do you really understand it? Because it's when you really understand it, especially through the lens of how you’ve been created. And that's what we do, as I'm sure you know, especially in session 5 in Exploring You, we take you through the implications of grace. Basically I’m speaking the Gospel in your “mother tongue or your personalities language” so that you can fully hear and resonate with the Gospel in ways that probably you've never quite heard before.

What was that like for you guys to hear grace it's in a unique way? For you Allie, you will not be betrayed and for you, Brian, you are loved and wanted just as you are. What was that like for you guys to hear those messages?

ALLIE: I got really emotional and I get emotional even just as you were talking about and hearing it again, just because I think as an 8 and all the strengths and features that come with that, it's easy to feel like you're too much. It's easy to feel like you’re taking over when you're not meaning to. Just like you asked and I know what to say, so I'm going to talk about it until I'm done making my point. I will always get this face that says, “that’s a lot.” You just always feel like you're too much, like I need to edit myself.

Reading that, hearing you say that and learning about that…this is how I was made and you're not too much. People always say, “I always feel like I'm not enough, I’m not enough.” And I always felt like I'm way too much. It was so freeing to here that God made me like this intentionally and He loves how much I am and it's not too much. There's a place and a role for how much I am and how driven I am. I just need to find the right places and know when to be sensitive and hold back a little bit. Not editing, just being respectful of other people and holding back and that there's nothing wrong with me I guess.

BETH: Right? Yeah. And that's so freeing, right? Like you're just where you should be. You can just relax in the love of Christ, you know? Because it's there for you. You already have it.

I always tell people when it comes to the Gospel…so if you're in your office and I'm in my office, and if you and I were both like, “Oh man, if we could just get in our offices, life would be like so amazing!” And we're like, “Okay, you're there guys.” And that’s what it’s like with grace. You're there. You already have it. You just aren't fully able to realize it and that's where we have to open ourselves up to allowing Christ to speak it more deeply into us and set us free.

So, what was it like for you, Brian to hear the implications of grace for you?

BRIAN:  It was nice to hear ‘You do love me for what I am doing’, you know? A lot of times I crave that. I do things and want to be loved that way, you know? That's why I'll do a million things for everyone else and not for myself. It's almost like who cares about how I feel because I need that from you. And to hear that and feel that…it's just so nice to get that and know that that's how I am and it's just great.

ALLIE: You’re a server. That’s such a gift.

BETH: One thing I go over in a lot of my personal coaching is Jeremiah 2:13 where it talks about we have forsaken God in two different ways. We have turned from the Spring of Living Water. Let’s say we're standing and right to our left is the Spring of Living Water and it's flowing. It's fresh. It’s amazing. To your right is the cistern. A cistern is like a well that you’ve dug but there’s no fresh water in it. So you've dug it, you put mortar around it and now you have to put water into it. But what it says is not only have you dug your own cistern, it’s broken. So even if we brought water to it, it just goes away. It's not lasting. So, with our spouses, our family, shopping, eating, drugs, whatever it is that we're trying to fill ourselves with, we think is going to bring a satisfaction…it can't ever sustain it. It can never bring us what we want.

So even if we're upset with our spouses, like why aren't you filling up my cistern? You should be doing it this way. Well even if they came with five gallons of water and put it in there, it's broken. But if we turn to the Spring of Living Water - which is right there, we already have it - and we soak up as much as we want, whenever we want. Then when our spouse even gives us a thimble of what we were hoping to get, we will be like, “Oh wow, that's awesome! Thank you so much!” Even this little bit or just a glass full and we'll be so satisfied by what our spouse is doing even if it's just a little bit. Whereas before we were demanding it from them and they just can't do it. It's only Christ that can fulfill it.

For Brian, what you're saying is when I can know that I'm fully loved and wanted by Christ. He literally left the throne of heaven to come and live a really brutal life because He pursued you and wanted you, not because of anything you did. In fact, you were sinning (Romans 5:8) but He wanted you. Then when you soak up in that, it's like, wow, not only am I not rejected, I am fully treasured. Then anything that Allie does or doesn't do, you're already at a great place and you can move towards her instead of demanding her to fulfill you. Does that kind of feel what's right?

BRIAN: For sure. It helps to know that so much and just makes me feel so different than before, thinking that way.

ALLIE: I see him struggle a lot with that “performing” and then the let-down of other people. Especially parents not giving him what he has always needed and so it's been really, really freeing for me, but as his wife, I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to constantly be let down. He's such a giver that he's kind of attracted in friendships and relationships to ‘takers’ including myself. When I'm in a really good healthy place, I am super giving, but when I get stressed or brought down I don't even think about anybody else. It's been freeing for me as his wife to see him being fulfilled and realizing what a beautiful being he is and what a perfectly made human he is, so that he's not needing to get that from other people.

BETH:  Exactly. And this is where it's going to be really cool with other people that are listening. They're probably sitting there going, “Well, I'm not an 8 or a 2.” Well, guess what? This works for all types. You have to learn about your personality type, which is where the Exploring You course will help you. Basically, you get a course for yourself. I'm a type 9 and my husband is a type 6, so I would get a type 9 course. He would get the type 6 course and then we would watch it together because not only will I learn about myself, but he learns about me and vice versa. In each of the guide sheets, there's these reflection questions where you can start talking, “Oh my goodness, that's how you see the world. I had no idea.”

Then what's really cool is you get to speak into their life and point them back to Christ instead of trying to fix it yourself. Brian isn't that so great?

BRIAN: Yes!

BETH: Brian’s like, “I am not Jesus. Allie, I love you, but you right now are so stressed. You really need Christ and He is your strength. He won't betray you. I'm here for you, but I can't come through for you in the way that you need, but I'm pushing you to Christ.”

What has that been like for you guys to do that pattern in that way, but then in the other way, Allie, how has it been for you to say, “Brian, you really need to take care of yourself. I want to get you away from all of your stress so you can go do something fun or relaxing.” What's that been like to really care for one another?

ALLIE:  Yeah. I feel like, especially because I've been doing the Enneagram stuff longer, it's getting cemented now. I feel like I've practiced it enough to where now if he's…he doesn't really ‘lose it’ ever. I do. But when he does start to get where he's just done and he's stressed…it's always something else unrelated that's bothering him. Somebody did something, didn't value him, or didn't give him the affirmation that he thought he would get for doing something or whatever. Just kind of losing it and volcanoing out because he's been suppressing it.

Like our weekly date nights and letting him talk instead of me just talking the whole time. Going and doing something that he wants. Having family come over and hang with the kids for a little bit while we get out and go for a drive or just talk.

I feel like it's made me less being like a snowplow and there's always more to go, more to do, always working on something and always go, go, go. Realizing how to slow down and just be together. It's not only helped me help him but it's also helped me almost kind of take on some of his traits because I know it so well and calm down myself.

BETH:  Yeah, that's awesome.

BRIAN: It's helped me figure out how to respond to you or help you when you need certain things. I feel instead of looking at a giant book and trying to flip through and figure out what it is that I can do to help you, this narrows it down to one page or a paragraph. I know you’re like this, so you need these things, and I know what to do and what things I shouldn't do too. That has just been so huge for us in everything we do.

BETH: It’s like I'm in the background in the video course going, “Okay, don't go to that landmine. No! There's a landmine over there too. Don't do that either.”

ALLIE: Yeah, don't phrase it like that!”

BETH: “Stay clear!”


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I can't wait to see your introduction in the course community so I can welcome you and see your progress photos!

BETH: Here's where this really cool thing is, and where it comes together for marriages, and we talked about this at the beginning before we got on here, was that we literally just today I got the manuscript done, proofed, everything for my Becoming Us book. It’s my husband and I really talking about what has been like for us to use the Enneagram with a gospel perspective through communication, conflict, family of origin, all those things that are really at the core of what we struggle with, right? In marriage?

Then the backside is exactly what you guys are talking about. It's called The Roadmap. It's where there's going to be four pages on let's say type 8 for instance, or type 2, and it's understanding me and then there's two pages on understanding them. Now obviously it's all geared towards that same type, but it just brings it in a mindset of…so Brian can flip to the Understanding Them and go, okay, where's the landmines again? What’s the path I should be taking?

Now, you would obviously read the other part too, just to gleam a little bit more, but we're trying to really address it to each of you so that you could understand how to work better together. That will be coming in October and so that will be really another great piece for people to have.

ALLIE:  Yeah, definitely. We're so thankful for what you do because you explain it…I don't mean this the wrong way, but it's almost like the Enneagram For Dummies broken down. What do you really need to know? And it takes a very complicated deep thing and makes it very clear and understandable. He was able to just jump in and just immediately understand himself and understand me and now we use it in conversation all the time. I'll say, “Well, because of the way that I was made, I wasn't thinking of that or I didn't see that.”

Also, one thing I always really want to push with listeners listening to all of the Enneagram episodes that we're going to do and all the things you're doing, is that I think it's important to never ever use your type as an excuse. I've thought it a couple times. I don't think I've ever really said anything that's like, “Well I'm just like this. That’s the way that I am.”

BETH: We say don't use it as a sword or a shield. So Allie can’t go, “Brian you’re being such a 2, or you’re doing that.” We might think it, we might feel it, but man, this is so vulnerable, right? This is at our core and so we want to treat each other as best we can. If we do, by accident, because I've even done it with my husband who's probably listening at some point. I've said things and he's looking at me like, “Oh, that was kind of a jab.” And I'm like, “Oh, I'm so sorry!”

We just need to realize we have to own it and apologize, but yes, we can't use it as a shield and be like, “I’m a 9 and I can be slothful. Just deal with it.” That’s just not going to help the relationship, you know?

But that's also where the gospel shines because the Enneagram can really expose. And it almost take your breath away of, “Oh my goodness! Those are my not so great spots.” But when we know we're already forgiven, cherished, and loved, and then we have Christ’s righteousness on us, we can look at that because nothing has changed and it allows us to go, “I am sorry.” Knowing that we're still the same. We're still His. We're still loved. We're still cherished. And in fact, by doing that, it actually brings our relationship closer. That's a really, really powerful thing. So yes, don't use it as a sword or a shield.

ALLIE: Yeah. I actually have a question. We had this discussion that we have often last night and I was thinking that even though it's vulnerable, I think we should bring it to Beth and let her hash it out with us on the episode because I think it will be so helpful for the listeners.

Because of our lifestyle, because of our personality types, and because of the roles were in…you know how every couple has their go-to conflicts that comes back in a new way? Those have all shifted. Sometimes I think back about the old ones and I think, “Oh, Allie & Brian, you knew nothing.” I don't know if it’s more complicated, a higher level, big stuff, but it’s a wall we keep bumping into.

I used to be in the role of taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, homeschooling the kids, making meals and that's it. Now, we share the load. He'll help me with pieces of the business and I definitely will cook meals and do some of the kids' schooling, but it's like 70/30, maybe even 80/20 some months. I'm mainly the one making the money, running the business, managing my team, coming up with ideas, working, even if it’s a couple of hours of the day, that's the main thing that I'm doing. And he is mainly the one holding down the fort.

And so, because I used to do it…I’ll be like, “How could you not see that? How come you're not doing it this way? Well you just have to, for lack of a better term, get your head out of your butt and look alive. Plan better. Pay attention!” Or I'll be like, “Oh my gosh, you didn't call about that? How could you not see that I needed you to call? Do I have to do everything?” This is the new dialogue. I'm being dramatic to show the ugly parts of it.

We talk it out. We work on it. And then we're like, “Okay. I see. I'm sorry. I am sorry for being perfectionistic. You're sorry for not maybe being more organized.” Whatever it is that day. But it's just that wall that we keep ‘bumpercaring’ into. I wanted to bring that today because I think it's really vulnerable and honest and also really specific so that people could see how you can use the Enneagram to work through stuff like that.

BETH: Absolutely. One thing that we talk about with the Enneagram is how it's like wearing different sunglasses that have different colored lenses. Allie, for you, let's say you're wearing red lenses and Brian’s wearing blue lenses and you're seeing the same thing, same circumstance, but in a completely different way. For you, Allie, it's like, “Hello! It's clear as day. This is red. How could you not see this?” And he's like, “Can you just put on my glasses for a second?”

Then you put on his glasses from his perspective. So, understanding his core motivations, how he operates, functions and the hard wiring. And then all-of-a-sudden that's when you have this compassion of “Oh wow, you totally see it different!” Or “You've got your mind in a thousand other directions to help other people and you're feeling everyone else's emotions, whether it's here at home, our friends or whatever is going on…you're being pulled. Of course, you're going to drop a few things or not notice a few things because you're really being pulled in lots of directions.”

Now as an 8…it's like an eagle. You see what needs to be aimed at and you just go straight for it. It's obvious. How can this not be so simple? Then plus 8’s can't hold back their opinions most of the time. It takes a lot of effort to, like you said, ‘edit it.’ So for  Brian to realize, okay, when she just spouts out something, her heart most of the time, obviously not all the time, but most of the time is not to hurt and harm me, Even though it just landed on me really harsh because as a 2, they're very sensitive and he's probably like, “Oh wow, that really hurt!” And you're like, “I'm just saying, you know, it's just obvious.”

ALLIE: Exactly.

BETH: And that's where, you know, Brian, you could easily say, “Hey, I totally hear what you're saying…” Now this is hard for 2’s because this goes into a lot of other things, but 2’s, it's hard to admit where they struggle because then you'll reject them. I remember it because the 9 is somewhat similar. I would tell my husband, “It's hard to say ‘I'm sorry,’ because then you're going to see that I failed or something.” He's like, “Yeah, don’t think I haven’t already noticed.” Right? So what I realized is, “Oh, okay, wait. Everyone sees it, so just own it, apologize and move forward.”

That being said, Brian, you could easily say, “Hey, you know, you're right, but I just want you to know, not to make excuses, but I want you to know what else is going on with me, why I may have missed that. Where I could really use your help is not to take it over, but…” Let's say it's a dentist appointment that you forgot to get the paperwork into. Let's say, Allie, maybe that's like breathing air for you. You just get it done. It takes five seconds. For 8’s, you're going a billion miles an hour but for the rest of us, we just don't go that fast.

And so for you, it may not be that you have to do it (because you are busy) but it could be, “Hey, I'm going to write down a note in this one area, put it on your phone or whatever because I know that's maybe not your strong suit and that's okay. But I'm going to give you a leg up on it. I'm not going to take over. I know that you're going to do your best. If you need my help to come through, let me know and we'll work that out.”

Does that sound like a better dance and something that would work for your two types?

ALLIE: Yeah, and the thing that I love about it is that you just removed…because the problem is…like I was saying last night I'm not meaning to belittle anyone's role. But I know what my strengths are and I know that I could run the business, do all of this, do all of it and be okay. But we're in this together and I want us to be a team. I know that I could just not worry about you doing it because you might forget. I could just do it.

BETH: You could just plow it over.

ALLIE: Yeah, I could just do it, but I'm going to get resentful. If I’m carrying all that and I feel like you're not sharing that life, then I'm going to get really resentful and I don't want that for us because that's just a marriage killer.

BETH: And here's the other thing for the 8. This is when we get into lesson two, there's kind of the hidden side. The hidden side of the 8 is it’s not that you don't mind getting lots of things done. In fact, 8’s love the intensity of life and having lots of stuff to do. But the thing that's really painful and hard for them is they feel that there's no one bigger and stronger than them to be able to come in and rescue them, that they have to be the one.

Well first, if you are relying on your spouse for that only, it's never going to work. And sorry, Brian, this has nothing to do with you. Because as a 2, I'm sure you're doing lots of wonderful things. This is just fact across the board. But the cool thing is God is bigger, He is stronger and He proved it through His life, death and resurrection. He is all powerful. And when He says He's not going to betray you, I mean he was the most betrayed.

So as an 8 it's like, “Wow! He really knows what that is and He is not going to betray me. He is stronger and more powerful so I can trust Him.” It doesn't mean you just trust Him and not help Brian at all or point out things. It's not that. It's like, “Okay, I'm going to do the best I can to support Brian in doing some reminders or some leg-ups or things that help that process, but at the same time trusting that it is what it is and God is going to be really good.” But then also asking Brian, “How can I love you better in this? Give me some clarity. What would be freeing for you? How can I support you? Is it reminders? Is it taking it over this one little thing?”

Because I know for me when we were doing our kids’ college applications and stuff or the FAFSA, I mean it just makes me want to shut down. I was trying to do it for my husband. As a 9...procrastinate, procrastinate. It felt too overwhelming. I just had to realize it is so scary for me that I'm going to mess it up. I just need to have him start it. And that's when I said, hey, can you just start this? I'll probably be able to finish it, but I'm just almost too scared to even start it. And that's where it's really cool for us to be vulnerable with each other and knowing that hey, I have weaknesses and you have strengths and vice versa, how can we really tag team this?

But you know, like you were saying for Brian to recognize, and this is going to be really hard because in the moment the feelings get hurt. When your feelings get hurt, you can go, okay, first I'm not rejected by Christ. And I know Allie well enough to know that her intention is not to hurt me. She just has a very blunt personality. Now that doesn't mean you can't say at some point, whether it's in the moment, but probably later, hey, you know when you said that in this way? You have to preface it, “I know you were not meaning to hurt me, but it did kind of land on me harsh. Could you say it maybe this way next time?” That way you're showing them, I see your heart, I see who you really are and your love for me, but a little adjustment would be very helpful.

And that's where the Enneagram can be so powerful because most of the time we can't say “I see your goodness. I see your beauty.” Because we're seeing it through our lens and all we see is you're not doing it right and we just want to put them down. “How could you?” Or “You're so dumb.” Or ‘You're so mean.”  Wait. No. Let's put on each other's lenses. Let's see the world through their eyes and then communicate in a much clearer way.

The big thing (and we may have talked about this last time, Allie, I don't remember) but the big thing to remember is don’t commit a suicide. It's where you assume they're seeing the world through your perspective and they are not. And that's where you ask clarifying questions without pretense of you are wrong and bad and I'm right.

Here's an interesting statistic. John Gottman is a marriage researcher and he found that 67 %, I think it's 67, it might be 69. Anyway, somewhere in that range, of all conflicts or arguments have no right answer. Meaning it's really personality driven or belief system. It's not like there's this really hardcore right or wrong answer. So that just lets us know we really could ask clarifying questions and try to see each other's point of view and how can we come to the middle through prayer and through being with one another and supporting, so that this thing can really move forward in a really dynamic way, which is exactly what you guys are doing with your business and your family life.

You had those rough spots where it was really rocky, but now you're in this really smooth place. Now of course there's bumps and turbulence on the way, but you guys have really gone through the major stuff to now navigate this stuff. Now the Enneagram comes in and it's like, “Now we have this tool to smooth it out even more,” which is so amazing.

ALLIE: Yeah. This was so good. I'm so glad we did this this way. I think it will be super helpful even for people that have different personality types than us.

BETH: Good. Well thanks guys.

BRIAN: Yeah, it’s so helpful!

BETH:  Thanks, guys!

ALLIE: So can you just remind everybody where they can find you? I really love you on Instagram. Can you share your handle there? You're so good at Instagram. You guys Beth shares things that are so helpful and mindblowing. I always watch your highlights over again because you have all the different types. What would each type do at a Christmas party and different situations and it's so helpful. My mom now is all into it and we understand why we butted heads so much when I was a teenager. Share where on Instagram and your website and all that good stuff.

BETH: Thanks! On Instagram it's yourenneagramcoach and then you look at the highlights.

And then our website is yourenneagramcoach.com and that's where you're going to find the online courses that we're talking about here, which is Discovering You and Exploring You.

If you don't know your type, go ahead and get Exploring You and Allie will put a coupon code in her show notes, so grab it there. If you know your type, then go ahead and get Exploring You because Discovering You is already inside it and so then you can watch both of those together.

Then if you're a couple then get one for you and one for your spouse unless you actually are the same type, then you only have to get one. That's kind of rare. But it does happen.

My assistant, both her and her husband are both 9’s.

ALLIE: Wow! We have best friend couples that live in another state. I grew up with the wife and we always mess around with them and joke with them…“Well, I'll just make the decisions for all four of us.” Because I think they might both be 2’s or both 9’s because it's like, “Where do you want to go to lunch? Well where would you want to go? Well…” And I'm like, “Oh my God, we're going to get pizza.”

BETH: Or another solution you could do is you can say, “Okay, here are the three options (or two because that many people just do two options). Okay guys, “I think the pizza or Italian. Which one? Raise your hand.” That way you don't have to always make the final decision.

On October 1st the Becoming Us book is coming out. And we're also going to be doing five date night events in five major cities this summer where we're going to really teach on how to deal with what we're doing here with a big crowd so that they can get used to it.

Also, we're going to have an actual marriage course coming out this summer specifically related around the book of Becoming Us. So that will be probably the next step after you do Exploring You.

There's lots of great things to come. Everyone's waiting for Marriage, so hang on tight. It’s just around the corner.

ALLIE: We’ll link specifically to all the programs with a little bit of a description on each one for you guys so that you can just find all that in the show notes.

Thanks Beth!

To join the Your Uncluttered Home party, go to alliecasazza.com/unclutter. Also, enter code PURPOSEHOW at checkout for 10% off. That's for listeners only.

I can't wait to see your introduction in the course community so I can welcome you and see your progress photos!


This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend!

See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.

Ep 094: The 5 Biggest Mistakes Moms Make When Trying to Ditch the Clutter

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When I started my journey to decluttering my home, I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out how to make it happen. At the time, I could only find help with organizing clutter, not clearing it - and I wanted to clear it out! I learned a lot along the way which is why one of my main missions is to help you declutter faster, quicker, and more effectively. I want to take you all the way to the other side of simplicity and experience the joy and freedom in half the time. So here are the 5 biggest mistakes I see people make (and I have made myself!) when it comes to ditching the clutter.

 
 

In This Episode Allie Discusses:

  • Where her decluttering journey began and the things that were frustrating at the start.

  • How you can use the feeling of overwhelm as a catalyst to motivate yourself to declutter.

  • The best place to start in your decluttering journey that will help you sustain motivation.

  • The balance between taking decluttering too serious and not serious enough.

Mentioned in this Episode:


The whole premise of Declutter Like a Mother  is to focus on decluttering 30 minutes a day, every day, for 30 days. But you aren’t doing it alone, you are doing it alongside a community of warriors! We rally. We focus. And it just creates this team atmosphere unlike anything else. That's why I get so amped up about it and I'm always urging everybody to join.

This is the time! If you like accountability, if you like that team feeling, if you like me and you want to hang out with me and hear me talk about this in a really focused, intentional way, Declutter Like a Mother is where you need to be! It's totally free to sign up! I hope to see YOU there!


who doesn't love a GIVEAWAY?

Reviews are everything on iTunes! Would you take a minute and click here to leave a review? Email hello@alliecasazza.com with a screenshot of your review on iTunes. You'll be entered to win one of Allie's amazing courses for FREE!  

If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


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Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to. I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days. I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it. Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and I know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.

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From the dawn of time, mothers have warred through unmatched trials, the pain of child bearing, seemingly insurmountable piles of laundry, PMS.  The time has come. Mothers all over the world will gather, trash bags in hand, war paint on their faces, an unstoppable force against the clutter that fights to steal their time.

Warriors Gather! Declutter Like A Mother 2019 is upon us!

Visit alliecassa.com/warriors to enter this 30-day challenge. Don't worry, it's free!


Hello, beautiful friend! Happy Wednesday (If you're listening to this on its air date or a different Wednesday) I'm so glad you're here! Truly, I'm so, so honored that you're choosing to spend some of the time out of your busy day to listen to me. It really means a lot to me. It means a lot every time. I just love you and I'm super glad that you're here.

I'm extra excited because we get to talk about clutter and the act of letting it go, which is one of my favorite things to talk about, and I get to do it in a way that is my favorite because we're going to talk about the 5 biggest mistakes moms (or really anyone) make while trying to ditch the clutter. This episode is going to give you a kick in the butt and that's my favorite thing to do - give you a kick in the butt.

So disclaimer…this episode is not meant to make you feel worse about yourself, make you feel dumb, or make you feel ‘less than.’ The tone here is not like ‘these are the five biggest mistakes that I see mom's making when they're trying to let go of the clutter. They don't even know how and I know how, and I'm going to tell you how.’ That's not what I mean at all.

It's more like…girl, these are the five most common hurdles that hold people up and I know because they held me up at one point. I see them holding people up every day because it's my job and I talk about this stuff every day, all the time, and I don't want you to get held up. If you are held up, I want to show you what the problem is and help you overcome it and we're going to do this together.

This is meant to be very helpful, hopeful and encouraging. The type of episode that you want to share all day, tell your friends about because it's amazing and it helped you see the truth. It helped you overcome something that's been holding you back because the fact is that this stuff matters, right?

It's not about having a clean house. It's not about having a nice space for the sake of having a nice space. It's not about legalistic minimalism. It's not about less for the sake of less. It's about less for the sake of more of what matters. It's about ditching that massive task list and just simplifying your space so that you can simplify your life. Then you can be the type of mom you want to be because you're less stressed, there's less overwhelm in your life, there's less clutter taking up your time and your space.

Having said all that, let's get into this awesome episode that I've been super excited about for weeks.

My own personal journey into decluttering and becoming a minimalist mom was about six years ago. I really wanted to get to a lighter place with less overwhelm, less clutter and more time to be the mom that I wanted to be. Actually be with my kids and enjoy their childhood. Not be one of the moms that says, “Oh, it goes so fast and I wish I would have been more present. I missed so much of it.”

I think there's always going to be some aspect to that, but I just wanted to live a life where I knew that I had done all I could. That I was there. That I didn't yell all the time, which I was doing before this. I just wasn't the mom I wanted to be. I was depressed. I was anxious. I was making myself sick because I was so overwhelmed in my life.

The first piece of the puzzle to undoing that was decluttering. I remember in the beginning of my journey wishing that there was someone who wanted to help me clear the clutter, not just organize the clutter.

In our society, in magazines, and on Pinterest, organization is seen as the cure-all. I always say organization has its place, but when you're trying to use it to fix your life and your home, it's really just putting a Band-aid on a gaping bullet wound. It doesn't work. It's not a solution. It’s a side note.

At that time that's all I could find…how to get organized. I didn't have anyone to coach me through it and I made a lot of mistakes.

There are actually 5 big mistakes that I made and that I see women making over and over again as they're trying to declutter. They just want to get this done. But they've got kids, work, husbands, cooking, other stuff on their plates, and their minds are just not there. They're not seeing it with the 20/20 vision that I have, this aerial perspective that I have because this is my job and I do this every day. So, I want to help you learn how you can avoid them or get out of it if you're in one of these.

I wasted a lot of time on my journey figuring out how to make it happen, especially with little kids in the house and my husband's crazy work hours. I was all by myself trying to get to this other place that I wanted to get to so badly. It took me way longer than it needed to. One of my main missions now is to help you declutter faster, quicker, more effectively, and get you all the way to the other side.

I always say that Your Uncluttered Home (which is my course if you're new here) is the A-Z of minimalist motherhood. I want to help you get to that. You've done A-Z. You're done. You're on the other side and you're experiencing the joy, freedom in half the time.

We're going to dive into 5 of the biggest mistakes that I see women making when they're trying to ditch the clutter and get to that post-Z point.

The first one is I see them letting overwhelm keep them from taking action. This is super common. I experienced it myself, in this area as well as other areas of my life since then. And it makes sense, but we don't have to let it be our story.

People let overwhelm (and I'm using that as a noun on purpose. I realize that it's not, but it's something that I do) keep them from taking action. You got to this point - where you need this, where you need less and you're craving simplicity - because you're overwhelmed.

You know, you're listening to this podcast because my website or something on it, or something that a friend said, a recommendation, intrigued you and got you here because you're in an overwhelmed place. Now, ironically, the process of simplifying your home and letting go of the clutter is incredibly overwhelming all on its own.

That feeling of overwhelm - you know, how am I even going to get through this house? All of this stuff, every countertop, every drawer, every closet, every shelf, every room. There's no way I can do this - that right there - that overwhelm rises up as you stand in your living room and you look around. It makes it feel like it's never going to happen and you get so overwhelmed you can't move forward.

The good news is that's a totally normal feeling to have. The bad news is that so, so, so many people, so many beautiful moms with a story, a mission, and a purpose that are just bogged down, get sucked into that and they just end up doing nothing, and they think, “Well, I've gone this long. I'll just do it later.”  Or maybe they start to do a couple little things that they think are a good idea, but they get discouraged because nothing's happening. They don't see a difference. They don't see any changes right away. It's like dieting. If you don't see the results right away, it's hard to keep going.

The solution to this is to use that overwhelm that you're feeling, that bogged-down overwhelming feeling of “Ugg!” as a catalyst. Use it to your advantage. This is a trial. It doesn't have to end in the story of you saying, “Well, next time.” Use that overwhelm as your personal catalyst into change. Don't let it bring you down. Don't let it be the thing that keeps you from moving forward. Clear it. Realize that it's there and say, “No, this isn't going to hold me back. I know where I want to go. I know how I want things to be. I'm going to get there. It's not an option. I'm going to get there. I'm going to close my eyes and just start.”

And I mean that pretty literally. I want you to go into a room where you're going to start decluttering - a closet, a drawer or whatever - close your eyes, put your hand out, pick up an item, open your eyes, look at that item and make a decision. Keep, Trash or Donate. Put it in the according pile. You just started.

You can't overthink this stuff. Just decide that you're going to start, close your eyes and do it! There is no magic trick. Just do it!

#2 in biggest mistakes is I see women starting in the wrong place. I realize how this sounds. I don't want to sound like, “Oh, you did it wrong. I’m an expert.” No, that's extremely annoying and if I ever sound like that with somebody, buy a plane ticket and come slap me. I give you full permission. What I mean is this can be detrimental to your journey into minimalism and it's a bad idea to decide that you want to simplify and declutter and then start somewhere that's just full of emotion and sentimental value.

For example, a box of your daughter's old baby clothes, or your shelf full of photo albums. If you start at a place like that, it is kind of the wrong place. It's incredibly overwhelming. You don't need to even touch those things for quite some time. Just leave it for later. Wait until you've built up some confidence and some momentum in the decluttering process.

The right place to start is somewhere emotionless. Maybe you're feeling feelings of overwhelm, but you're not feeling like, oh my gosh, I don't know how to make decisions about this stuff because it's just loaded with emotion. This is my late husband's closet or the stuff for the baby that I was buying that we miscarried, or somewhere like that. You can't do that. Start somewhere more emotionless.

The bathroom is a great place to start. I don't know a lot of people who store photo albums and baby clothes in the bathroom. When you start somewhere simple like that, you allow the process to just begin without all the heart wrenching emotions. Okay? You won't struggle to get rid of old eyeshadows, old hair products, old ponytail holders and things like that. It's likely at least (I guess I can't speak for everyone because I don't know your house) but it's likely that you're going to feel good about the progress you're beginning to see right there in front of you because you're making these easier decisions like “this is trash, this is old, this eyeshadow is older than my daughter and this is unsanitary.” You are making these easier decisions. You'll get this momentum built up and then it helps propel you forward. It’s a snowball effect for sure.

So even though it was a small victory, it was still a victory and you wouldn't have seen that victory if you had started somewhere more complicated. So, don't start in the wrong place.

Mistake #3. They don't take the process seriously. Look, this is a big deal. It's a big project. I'm not gonna lie to you. You're taking on this huge task of trying to simplify your entire life and declutter your entire house so that you can have more intentional free time on your hands and be able to live a fuller, more abundant life. Doesn't that sound awesome? Heck yeah, it does!

But it's not going to come easily. Nothing that good comes without trial. You've got to treat this like it really matters. My suggestion is making an appointment with yourself in your phone. Look at your schedule. Look at what times you need to be at work, when you're at home, when you have to take somebody to a playdate, to school, to soccer or whatever it is that your week looks like, and carve out some really intentional times.  Even if they're small spaces (because you're just that busy; it's okay) and put them on your calendar.

For example, Monday and Saturday mornings for me in the beginning of my journey, were dedicated to decluttering. I called them ‘purge appointments.’ (This was before the Purge movies came out where everyone slaughters each other in America, so I wouldn't call them that now because seeing ‘purge appointment’ in my phone might make somebody call the cops.) This is when my decluttering really got kicked into high gear and I really started to make progress really quickly. I realized that there was something to taking this more seriously and treating it like it actually mattered. So, look at your calendar, check out your schedule, see what you can do even if it's just 30 minutes once a week or a collective six hours a week. Whatever you can do. Make it happen.


Hey friends, if you are not one of my students in the Your Uncluttered Home community, you have got to get your booty over there. Your Uncluttered Home is my signature online course and it is changing mom lives all over the globe. I'm super, super proud of it. It is the next step into real action for you if you want to go all in with living in an uncluttered home that allows you to spend your time focused on what matters. And that's what we're always talking about, right? Don't just take my word for it though. Listen to these words from one of my beautiful Your Uncluttered Home students.

Hey guys! This is Nina from Oklahoma. Instead of our house looking like a tornado had gone through it, now when we walk through the door, we feel peace, rest, and happiness. Your Uncluttered Home course has changed our lives by giving us the gift of time. The course gave us the tools to accomplish what we've always dreamed of…a place of rest, a manageable, clean home, and most important, more time with our families. Thanks Allie!

To join the Your Uncluttered Home party go to alliecasazza.com/unclutter.  Enter code PURPOSESHOW at checkout for 10% off. That's for listeners only.

I can't wait to see your introduction in the course community so I can welcome you and see your progress photos.


We have the time that we make. If you need to get something done and it was like, “If you spend three hours a week doing this, you'll get a million dollars,” you would make it happen. You would. This has a return on investment that you don't realize how big it is until you're in it.

Obviously, the more time you dedicate to this, the quicker you'll work through this. Do what you can, but just realize that this is important. Take this seriously. Treat it like it's any other important appointment that you wouldn't cancel unless you absolutely had to. Put it in your calendar. Make it a date with yourself. Don't cancel it unless you must cancel it. I'm talking like you've got the flu and you're just vomiting every two seconds. Okay?

Mistake #4. People take it too seriously, so it’s coming at a different angle from #3.

You can declutter as you go about your day. It doesn't have to be this huge ordeal every time. You don't have to declutter only when it’s one of your appointments on your calendar. You can make progress while you're waiting for the water to boil for your dinner that night. You can do things as you work through your day. I did a lot of decluttering as I did my regular cleaning. If I was having my Saturday morning pickup session, I would declutter some stuff, throw some things out and put some things in the donation bin as I went. Progress is progress, big or small.

We're doing Declutter Like A Mother right now (if you're listening to this when it airs). January is Declutter Like A Mother. That's what the whole premise is. It's just a few minutes a day, every day, for 30 days, because progress is progress.

If you've set aside big chunks of time during your week or your month where you're dedicated to decluttering your house, that's great. You should take it seriously and do it that way, but that doesn't mean that you can't declutter the kitchen cupboards while you wait for your dinner to boil. You see what I'm saying? So, balance it.

You've got appointments, you've got times where you're like “this matters to me, and the results of this are just too big to screw around with, I'm going to make this happen, and you're balancing that with, ‘hey, while I wait for my tea to brew, I'm going to declutter the junk drawer.’ Balance.

#5 in the 5 biggest mistakes I see moms make when they're trying to ditch the clutter is they don't follow through. I think this might be the biggest mistake that I see again and again and that is that people don't follow through when they are decluttering an area of their home.

What I mean by this is they get in there, they pull all the things out, they sort all the things into piles – Keep, Trash, Donate - and then they walk away and they leave the pile sitting there. Or they think that magically shutting the door to this room is going to keep everyone out. Things don't get bagged up. They're still sitting in the house. The job is not yet complete.

What happens is somebody is going to come in and undo your piles (because kids and pets or husband) or they see something in there and they're like, “Hey, I've been looking for this!” (Even though I haven't known it existed for the last three years.) And all this precious time you spent decluttering is wasted and the job gets undone.

You're not done with the decluttering session until you have bagged up the trash and taken it to the trash can outside of your home, you have bagged up the donations and put them in the back of your car ready to be taken to a donation center, and you have put the things that you are keeping in their new home. Okay?

Also, don't forget to set an alert on your phone to go off in 2-3 days to remind you that this is your deadline to take those donations to the donation center. Be sure you really follow through. When all of this has been completed, you're done decluttering that area. Girl, you've got to follow through, especially if you're a busy mom, because things will get undone and you don't want to waste your time. If you do these things, avoid these mistakes and follow through, I know you're going to have serious success and it's going to be quick.

These can be really great shortcuts for your decluttering process and get you to the other side a lot faster. And you know what? The fact is if you're struggling - if this is good for you and you're like, “yeah, I'm going to overcome these things, I'm going to do these things” - the fact is these are great decluttering hacks, but if you want to follow all the way through and go all the way you need some skin in the game. Okay?

This is the very reason that 3½ years ago I created Your Uncluttered Home. It's everything. It's literally everything. Decluttering - it's not just about your house. It's a lifestyle change. When you're going against the grain, when you're saying ‘no’ to excess and ‘no’ to clutter, stress, and overwhelm, you are literally going the opposite way of our society and what our culture says motherhood has to be.

You're saying ‘no’ to that lie and walking down a different path. It's brighter and happier, more fulfilling, more joy filled. It's abundant life and that's going to upset some people. You're going to make some people feel super convicted just by the way you're living.

Problems are going to come up. What if your husband is having a hard time and he just doesn't get it? What do you say to him? How do you navigate that? What if your kids are giving pushback? How do you get them onboard? You're changing your family's lifestyle. You're changing the fabric of your guys’ family culture. It's a big deal.

What about when holidays roll around and it feels like all your hard work is being undone because there's an influx of stuff coming in? What about birthdays? Does this mean they're joyless now and you can't accept any presents? What kinds of gifts do you get for your kids? How do you raise them to be focused on the right things?

How do you actually declutter your office? What about the homeschool room? What about the garage? Is there even a system for storing things in a way that serves your family?

How do you decide what stays in your kitchen? What if you absolutely love to cook and you don't want a super minimalistic kitchen? Is that okay? What kind of things do you put in there? What kind of things do you say ‘yes’ to? What kind of things do you say ‘no’ to?

How do you get into maintenance mode when you're done? How do you make sure this doesn't get undone? How do you set goals and follow through and make it happen?

All of this stuff is in Your Uncluttered Home. It's 50+ short, to-the-point, powerful lessons of this is exactly what you need to do. I'm taking the brain work out of it. I'm giving you the answer. I'm giving you the shortcut. I'm giving you exactly what you need to become a minimalist, intentional living mother in the way that fits who you are, for your family.

That doesn't exist anywhere else. I created this and I'm so passionate about it because it's one-of-a-kind. It's changed more than 10,000 lives. I've got the testimonials to prove it and the emails that I get pouring in every week that fill my heart to the brim because this is my passion. This is what I was meant to do and I know that.

So, if you want to get some skin in the game and you want to commit and go all the way, you've got to get into Your Uncluttered Home.

This isn't something that I just pulled out of nowhere and said, “I'm going to make this and charge for it.” This is my life's work. This is my wisdom, my experience.

Do you guys know that when I was creating this course, I took money that we really didn't have and I flew back home to California (I was living in the Midwest) and I decluttered 5 houses with friends and friends of family. I studied and took notes. I worked with one woman who was so emotionally pent up about letting go of her stuff. She had a lot of emotional issues and she really struggled and I studied her. I helped her. I learned what was making her emotionally tied to things for the ‘Sentimental Items’ lesson in Your Uncluttered Home. I physically decluttered rooms and full homes - toys, books. I found some of the funniest and saddest things in these people's homes with them and worked through it with them.

I'm not just sitting here from my desk claiming to be an ‘expert’ and charging you money for nothing. This is, like I said, my life's work and I believe in it. If you enroll in this course and you go through it, your life will never be the same.

You've got to get in there if you want some skin in the game and you want to make things happen. Okay?

So, I had to say that because I want you to understand what it is that I do. I want you to understand why I create the things I create and why some are paid and why some are free.

If you want to learn about Your Uncluttered Home. There's a ton of information on this page that I created about it. You can read my story, my process and all about the course. What's in it. The benefits. You can look at a preview of the curriculum. You can watch testimonial videos. All of that good stuff. Get the pricing and all of that. It's http://alliecasazza.com/nomoreclutter.

Okay guys, that's it. I hope it's encouraged you greatly. I hope you feel like, oh man, 1,2,3, or 4, even all of these hurdles just really spoke to me and I know exactly how to overcome them now because that's the goal, that's what I'm here to do, and that's how I want to help you.

So, your action step for this episode is identify which of these big mistakes (or which several of them) are your hurdles. What did I say about that specific hurdle? What spoke to you? What are you gonna do about this? Don't just let yourself get all inspired and then go make lunch and forget about this. How are you going to take action? Set a reminder in your phone for later tonight after the kids are in bed to revisit this episode.

Maybe just read through the show notes. Every episode is transcribed so you can read through it. If you go to alliecasazza.com/shownotes/094 you can just read through and skim this episode's content.

What are you gonna do about this? Don't let this bypass you without taking action.

And action step #2, if you're really wanting to, like I said, get some skin in the game and make this happen, just go to that webpage and just look. If you have a question, email my team. Ask questions about the course. We're here for you. We don't want you to feel like you're purchasing this mystery product. We want you to understand how amazing it is. We want to answer your questions and give clarity.

To check out Your Uncluttered Home it’s alliecasazza.com/nomoreclutter.  And if you want to email my team, just email hello@alliecasazza.com and ask your questions. Kena will get your email and she'll respond within a couple of days and you'll get your answer.

We're here for you. We love you. Everything that I've built, everything that this company does is to support you on this journey to less. So, just know that we're here and you've got my support.


This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend!

See ya next time!

Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.