Around this time last year (at the time of writing this post), I miscarried a baby, whom we named Clementine June. It was a very long, drawn out miscarriage. I found out the baby didn’t appear to be growing properly, had to wait two grueling weeks to go back in and get checked, then found out I had for sure miscarried. We waited two more weeks for the miscarriage to happen on its own, then went in to get medicinal aid in starting the miscarriage process. I remember coming home with the bag of suppositories that would tell my body to expel my child, and weeping at the thought. My heart ached like it never has before; it was broken.
Hours after inserting the tablets, it all began, which broke my heart even further. The cramps were like labor contractions, the intense bleeding shocked and scared me. I remember not knowing what to do with what was in the toilet. If I flushed, I felt like I was throwing my baby away. Having been affected by someone’s choice to abort their baby in the past, I felt hypocritical and torn. I wanted this baby… how could I just flush her away? My husband held me and helped me cope. He made a Clementine box and saved photos and tiny things that would remind us of our short time with her inside me. Naming that baby helped with closure tremendously. After it was over, God met with me and healed me, a little bit every day. He replaced sorrow with joy, and confusion with peace. I felt so healed and so blessed! People would ask me about it and I was able to respond without anger or tears or resentment.
The months rolled by and the time finally came where Brian and I talked about trying for our next baby. I took longer to be ready, but I finally got there, and became pregnant. I am not going to lie to you or sugar coat this (have I ever??)- I struggled with a lot of fear. It would grip me in the middle of the night, grab hold of my thoughts while I was driving, and send flashes of miscarriage memories throughout the day. I would be changing Hudson’s diaper and thinking about going to the gym when all of a sudden I would see myself on the bathroom floor sobbing in blood. The fear was violent, out of control, and intense.
Satan loves to use fear.
Death began to follow and taunt me. A dead animal torn open violently by its prey in front of my house, realistic nightmares of my children dying, violent murders, and tortuous kidnappings came to me nearly every night. After praying and asking God to deliver me from this, He showed me that He had a protective hand on this baby, and that Satan was attacking me instead. And friends, that pissed me off.
I came at Satan in the name of Jesus Christ whose blood was shed out of love for me and my family. I rebuked him from me, my husband and children, our home, my mind, my sleep… everywhere the Spirit led me to pray. Fear after a miscarriage is natural, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give it to Jesus and allow Him to replace it with peace- that’s what He wants to do! Anxiety and torment is an attack. It is Satan getting into your business and messing with you. How dare he?! Fight back. Do not let him have any part of your life, or take away your hope and joy and peace in a pregnancy.
My next baby appointment came, and it was the final week of the “common miscarriage phase” of pregnancy. My stomach tightened a little when they called my name to go inside, but I felt peace rinse my spirit like cool water. The doctor placed the Doppler machine over my belly, then pulled it away and spoke just what I needed to hear. “You’ve had a miscarriage before. You need to see your baby.” She left and came back with a tiny ultrasound machine, placed the probe on my belly, and there my baby was- heart beating, legs wiggling, thumb in the mouth, little body twisting and turning with joy.
Thank you, Father. You are good.
I could lose any of my babies at any time. I could still have a miscarriage, I could have a still birth, one of my live and healthy children could die today. I do not believe that God takes away the possibility of death or loss. I believe a huge part of faith in Him is just that- having faith, no matter what happens. Faith in His existence, faith in His goodness, faith in His faithfulness, and faith in His mighty power over the enemy. Death and loss is only a blow, not defeat. We already know what happens in the end. Choose joy, take peace.
The battle belongs to the Lord.