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Archives for June 2014

A Dirty Kitchen

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social media. It’s so anti-Instagram right now. Most of what I see being popular online is perfection- perfect hair, stylish clothes, moms with perfect bodies, neat and perfectly decorated homes. I appreciate beauty and a great photograph, but there’s something wrong when we stop being real with one another. Sometimes life gets messy, and I have no problem sharing that with my followers. 

Once the kitchen was clean, I got the kids down for naps and sat down to check my Facebook page, where I saw a negative comment (something I’m learning to get used to). 

“I would never let my kitchen get that bad. Yikes.”

I’ll spare you my knee-jerk reaction (I’m sure you can imagine), but I ended up doing what has proven to be the best method over the course of my time as a blogger– silence and a prayer. As much as I wanted to respond (and I certainly didn’t lack the words), I knew it wasn’t what this woman needed. Whoever she was- a wife, a stay-at-home mom, working mom, whatever- I prayed that she would learn grace. Grace for others, so that she would no longer attempt to shame others with comments like this one, and grace for herself, that she would learn what’s really important; and it certainly isn’t a clean kitchen. 

What she didn’t know is why my kitchen was so messy. She didn’t know that the day before had been one of baking cookies, playing in the backyard, reading endless stacks of books, and driving with the windows down. It had been a day of playing with my children rather than sending them to play while I cleaned up the kitchen. I (normally)  rinse the dishes and pick up my house as I go through the day, and load the dishwasher before I head to bed every night. But that day? That day I saw an opportunity to say “no” to mundane and “yes” to joy and childhood memories.

It wasn’t out of laziness that the crusty dishes gathered, but out of a Spirit-led choice to live this blessed, fleeting day I had been given as a gift. 

As the fun and laughter turned to yawns and snuggling, the day came to a slow, and I tucked my littles into their beds just as my tired husband walked in the door. As I warmed up his dinner and listened to him summarize his work day, I saw another opportunity to love and serve in my home. Again the Spirit led me away from my chores to my hard-working husband who had had a bad day at work. Rather than let him eat dinner at the table while I cleaned up from a day spent outside with my kids, I sat and listened and encouraged him. Through our dinner conversation I saw that he needed his wife- he missed me. What a huge honor and blessing that is- for him to actually miss me after ten years of togetherness and three kids! We added his dishes to the mess and enjoyed a movie on the couch, exchanging glances, laughs, and kisses until I fell asleep in his arms.

You can bet your last dollar that I will “let my kitchen get that bad” when there is an opportunity to enjoy and to breathe life into my family. I don’t stay home to keep a clean house. I stay home to cultivate love and grace and Jesus in my family, and serving them through homemaking is a part of that, but not the top priority. Look how many precious memories would never have come into existence if my kitchen had been cleaned.

That would have been an absolute pity, and the poorest use of my time I can think of. 

How Scheduling Meetings Changed Our Marriage

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I have received some comments and emails regarding a weekly habit my husband and I have formed, and wrote this post in response to those requests for more details. Hope it helps!

A typical day in our life looks like this…

Brian leaves for work at seven o’clock in the morning.

The kids and I have a busy day planned out, usually including housework and chores, time spent out (the park, the duck pond, a friend’s house, running errands), lunch and nap time while I write and catch up on my work, play time at home or more  time spent out of the house (a local event like picking blueberries or seeing a movie, an afternoon play date), dinner and baths at home, followed by lots of stories and bedtime at 7:30.

Brian comes home around nine o’clock most nights; sometimes it can be closer to seven, depending on if it’s an overtime day or not. We schedule three overtime days out of the five days he works, because we need that money.

Our days are long, and Brian and I find it hard to connect over the phone while he’s putting in all these hours. When he’s off work, there’s the kids- climbing on us, interrupting us, needing our constant care and attention- and we normally have a full day of family fun planned outside of the house when he’s not working. This fun and busy life leaves little room for random conversations between a husband and wife, but at the same time there is so much to talk about! Homeschooling, disciplinary issues, church activities, our relationship, how his job is going, how my days are going… the list goes on and on.

Last year, I was praying over our marriage and the distance that had crept in and had me frustrated. God plopped the most practical idea into my head, and we’ve been doing it every week since! The idea is weekly meetings. Once a week, we clean up the kitchen and pick up the house together, make some coffee, grab a notepad and pen, and snuggle up on the couch together after the kids are in bed. Usually, the notepad is already filled with our “need to talk about” topics, but sometimes, when there wasn’t time during the week, we’ll jot some stuff down then and there before we start talking. Either way, this is a special time for us to meet as husband and wife, partners in life and in raising our {almost four} children, and get on the same page. Here’s how our meetings usually go down…

First, we pray over our hearts, our minds, and our time together.

We always snuggle up into one another or hold hands while we talk.

Brian fills me in on what’s going on with him- a new boss at work, a difficult issue with a co-worker, personal struggles, a need for me to encourage him in some area, etc. I simply listen. I don’t nag or interrupt- that isn’t allowed.

When he’s done, it’s my turn. I fill him in on any issues with the kids, budget stuff, decisions that need to be made about our upcoming homeschool year, etc.

Once we both have the “business” type of stuff talked about, we both feel relieved, understood, and respected. This is when we talk about us. We discuss how each of us feels we, as a couple, are doing. Any arguments we’ve had that need further discussing (we talk arguments out right after or the night after they happen), any issues, anything about the two of us and our love is talked about. Sometimes it’s just encouraging and laughing and kissing. Other times there are hurtful, difficult issues to work through.

These weekly meetings are scheduled at the beginning of each week, but we’re flexible and sometimes the day gets changed. These meetings are totally separate from our romantic date nights out, which we now have about once a month with the craziness of his schedule and our current savings plan.

I have had a couple of friends see a note on my fridge or hear me mention our meetings and give negative feedback. I don’t know if it’s because they’re threatened by our effort in our marriage or if they legitimately disagree with our meetings (which, is not something I really give two craps about), but I have been told things like “well my husband just would never want to sit and talk every week like that.”

Ummm… you’re in a marriage! You are committed under God Himself to stay together as long as you both shall live! You are raising human beings together! If you ask me, how can any of us survive without sitting down and getting on the same page every once in awhile? If your husband isn’t willing to work as a team in this way, pray for his heart. Pray for yours too. Maybe there’s something in there that you’re putting off on him that makes him not want to spend time listening to your heart for him and your family or share his heart with you. God desires oneness in marriage. If that’s not there, pray about it.

I hope this post has inspired you to seek out unity and teamwork in your marriage. It has brought Brian and I through some really rough waters and made us so much closer. I wish the same for your marriage!

Parenting Both the Fiery One & the Quiet One

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Leland is my second-born. He is a heap of passion placed inside a human body. He is fiery, incredibly strong, tells me everything he’s thinking (loudly!), and I never have to doubt how he feels about something. Most days it seems like Leland is always in trouble- taking a timeout in his room, sitting in a chair facing the corner, screaming in protest, yelling that this isn’t what he wanted (that’s the whole point, son).

Bella is my first-born. She is sweet, caring, silly but on the quiet side, and always voicing concern for everything and everyone. Don’t get me wrong… she knows how to be loud and have an attitude and get bossy and yell at her two brothers. But overall, she’s the quiet one that will accept discipline without fighting it and keep her thoughts to herself. Bella generally isn’t the problem in our house, other than the occasional bad attitude.

As you can imagine (or maybe you don’t have to imagine because you’ve got the same situation in your house), Leland takes up most of my attention, focus, time, and energy. There have been so many days where Bella didn’t get me at all because Leland was such an energy-sucker. How do you give your quiet one what they need of you when your strong-willed one is so constantly demanding??

There are some things I’ve been trying lately, as God has been nudging me to look in Bella’s direction more often, and inspiring me with ideas for how to train up all my children, and giving more of my time and attention to the ones who demand it less.

I am teaching Leland that it’s not all about him.

Although it’s simply the fact that Leland is loud and strong-willed and in almost constant need of correction that gets most of my attention (it’s not like he’s a brat that demands my time and is rewarded with it), I am still working on teaching him that life isn’t all about him. Over time, he will notice that he gets a lot of my attention and I want to make sure that doesn’t turn him into a brat later on. Plus, he has a natural self-centered outlook (like me) and I know the importance of guiding that firsthand.

I make time to spend with just Bella while Leland is awake. 

I give Leland something to do on his own (coloring, building a block tower) in his room, then turning my phone off and sitting down to do something one-on-one with Bella. Usually Hudson is napping or just joining in with Leland’s activity, so it’s just us girls. I want Leland to be awake and to see that there are times when he needs to busy himself while I spend time with someone else. I really try to do this once a day. I also will take Bella out for frozen yogurt or hot chocolate at Starbucks every month or so. Brian and I do this with each of the kids, but I feel Bella benefits from it most because of her age.

Leland’s consequence for disobedience is time away from us in his room.

When he was younger, I needed to put him on a chair for a short timeout or just give a little spanking and call it a day. Now that Leland is over three, he is at an age where isolation works and is applicable. When he disobeys, I calmly tell him what he did wrong, send him to his room, and let him cry or scream it out there while the rest of us carry on. This avoids giving Leland negative attention, which is still attention so he’s getting what he wanted, and doesn’t make the other kids suffer for what he did wrong. You break a rule? You go in your room for a bit until I come in there to talk to you.

Do you have a strong-willed child and a quiet child? What do you do to keep the feisty one from taking over the house and sucking up all your focus? Leave your feedback in the comments.

photo allieblogsigsmaller.jpg

Parenting Both the Fiery One & the Quiet One

by Leave a Comment

Leland is my second-born. He is a heap of passion placed inside a human body. He is fiery, incredibly strong, tells me everything he’s thinking (loudly!), and I never have to doubt how he feels about something. Most days it seems like Leland is always in trouble- taking a timeout in his room, sitting in a chair facing the corner, screaming in protest, yelling that this isn’t what he wanted (that’s the whole point, son).

Bella is my first-born. She is sweet, caring, silly but on the quiet side, and always voicing concern for everything and everyone. Don’t get me wrong… she knows how to be loud and have an attitude and get bossy and yell at her two brothers. But overall, she’s the quiet one that will accept discipline without fighting it and keep her thoughts to herself. Bella generally isn’t the problem in our house, other than the occasional bad attitude.

As you can imagine (or maybe you don’t have to imagine because you’ve got the same situation in your house), Leland takes up most of my attention, focus, time, and energy. There have been so many days where Bella didn’t get me at all because Leland was such an energy-sucker. How do you give your quiet one what they need of you when your strong-willed one is so constantly demanding??

There are some things I’ve been trying lately, as God has been nudging me to look in Bella’s direction more often, and inspiring me with ideas for how to train up all my children, and giving more of my time and attention to the ones who demand it less.

I am teaching Leland that it’s not all about him.

Although it’s simply the fact that Leland is loud and strong-willed and in almost constant need of correction that gets most of my attention (it’s not like he’s a brat that demands my time and is rewarded with it), I am still working on teaching him that life isn’t all about him. Over time, he will notice that he gets a lot of my attention and I want to make sure that doesn’t turn him into a brat later on. Plus, he has a natural self-centered outlook (like me) and I know the importance of guiding that firsthand.

I make time to spend with just Bella while Leland is awake. 

I give Leland something to do on his own (coloring, building a block tower) in his room, then turning my phone off and sitting down to do something one-on-one with Bella. Usually Hudson is napping or just joining in with Leland’s activity, so it’s just us girls. I want Leland to be awake and to see that there are times when he needs to busy himself while I spend time with someone else. I really try to do this once a day. I also will take Bella out for frozen yogurt or hot chocolate at Starbucks every month or so. Brian and I do this with each of the kids, but I feel Bella benefits from it most because of her age.

Leland’s consequence for disobedience is time away from us in his room.

When he was younger, I needed to put him on a chair for a short timeout or just give a little spanking and call it a day. Now that Leland is over three, he is at an age where isolation works and is applicable. When he disobeys, I calmly tell him what he did wrong, send him to his room, and let him cry or scream it out there while the rest of us carry on. This avoids giving Leland negative attention, which is still attention so he’s getting what he wanted, and doesn’t make the other kids suffer for what he did wrong. You break a rule? You go in your room for a bit until I come in there to talk to you.

Do you have a strong-willed child and a quiet child? What do you do to keep the feisty one from taking over the house and sucking up all your focus? Leave your feedback in the comments.

photo allieblogsigsmaller.jpg

Parenting Both the Fiery One & the Quiet One

by Leave a Comment

Leland is my second-born. He is a heap of passion placed inside a human body. He is fiery, incredibly strong, tells me everything he’s thinking (loudly!), and I never have to doubt how he feels about something. Most days it seems like Leland is always in trouble- taking a timeout in his room, sitting in a chair facing the corner, screaming in protest, yelling that this isn’t what he wanted (that’s the whole point, son).

Bella is my first-born. She is sweet, caring, silly but on the quiet side, and always voicing concern for everything and everyone. Don’t get me wrong… she knows how to be loud and have an attitude and get bossy and yell at her two brothers. But overall, she’s the quiet one that will accept discipline without fighting it and keep her thoughts to herself. Bella generally isn’t the problem in our house, other than the occasional bad attitude.

As you can imagine (or maybe you don’t have to imagine because you’ve got the same situation in your house), Leland takes up most of my attention, focus, time, and energy. There have been so many days where Bella didn’t get me at all because Leland was such an energy-sucker. How do you give your quiet one what they need of you when your strong-willed one is so constantly demanding??

There are some things I’ve been trying lately, as God has been nudging me to look in Bella’s direction more often, and inspiring me with ideas for how to train up all my children, and giving more of my time and attention to the ones who demand it less.

I am teaching Leland that it’s not all about him.

Although it’s simply the fact that Leland is loud and strong-willed and in almost constant need of correction that gets most of my attention (it’s not like he’s a brat that demands my time and is rewarded with it), I am still working on teaching him that life isn’t all about him. Over time, he will notice that he gets a lot of my attention and I want to make sure that doesn’t turn him into a brat later on. Plus, he has a natural self-centered outlook (like me) and I know the importance of guiding that firsthand.

I make time to spend with just Bella while Leland is awake. 

I give Leland something to do on his own (coloring, building a block tower) in his room, then turning my phone off and sitting down to do something one-on-one with Bella. Usually Hudson is napping or just joining in with Leland’s activity, so it’s just us girls. I want Leland to be awake and to see that there are times when he needs to busy himself while I spend time with someone else. I really try to do this once a day. I also will take Bella out for frozen yogurt or hot chocolate at Starbucks every month or so. Brian and I do this with each of the kids, but I feel Bella benefits from it most because of her age.

Leland’s consequence for disobedience is time away from us in his room.

When he was younger, I needed to put him on a chair for a short timeout or just give a little spanking and call it a day. Now that Leland is over three, he is at an age where isolation works and is applicable. When he disobeys, I calmly tell him what he did wrong, send him to his room, and let him cry or scream it out there while the rest of us carry on. This avoids giving Leland negative attention, which is still attention so he’s getting what he wanted, and doesn’t make the other kids suffer for what he did wrong. You break a rule? You go in your room for a bit until I come in there to talk to you.

Do you have a strong-willed child and a quiet child? What do you do to keep the feisty one from taking over the house and sucking up all your focus? Leave your feedback in the comments.

photo allieblogsigsmaller.jpg

How to Deal When You’re Annoyed with Your Spouse

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Marriage is the closest two people can possibly get physically, emotionally, and mentally. Not only are you sexually super close, but you’re living together and seeing a lot of each other, and seeing pretty much everything of one another. You can predict each other’s thoughts, words, and actions most of the time after a few years in this relationship. With all of this, someone is bound to get annoyed with somebody at some point, even in the strongest marriages. It’s just natural when you live in such close proximity with another human. Especially when that other human is constantly leaving his work pants and socks strewn about the house. I’m not talking about my husband…. not at all…

*Ahem* Aaaanywaaaay…

Brian works a lot, so I am usually dying to see him and looking forward to his days off. I am however, pregnant right now. His usual schedule gives him two days off in a row, and this week, our time as a family was kind of dampened by the fact that I was really irritated with him and everything he said and did. I hate that! It’s almost like I just can’t even control it or explain why I feel that way- it’s like it just happens and that’s that. Every joke he made, every tap on the steering wheel while the music played, every drag of his feet while we walked, even the very sound of his voice grated my nerves like a block of cheese being shredded for taco Tuesday. I found myself rolling my eyes so much I got a headache, and that was just his first day off.

That night as I thought about what to do, I realized it wasn’t really him, it was me and my hormones and the fact that I was done from a long week alone with the kids and the housework. But the next morning, I awoke with the same lack of tolerance and irritability that had done me in the day before. I was not about to let my mood ruin a perfectly good family day! I resolved to try out different things throughout the day until something worked. After all, I’m only four months pregnant and I’ve got PMS once a month when I’m “normal” anyway, so I basically have my whole marriage to have annoyance to deal with, pregnant or not… might as well get a handle on it. I think God really came and met me where I was at, because I actually feel like I found some things that helped! Next time my husband is home, I know what to do to clear my head and not ruin our weekend. Here’s what seemed to help me…

Getting away from him.

This sounds sort of hilarious and incredibly mean, but when I removed myself from the situation and went for a drive, grabbed a coffee, and listened to some Ingrid Michaelson, I felt much better!

Thinking happy thoughts.

In the car, I turned on some music so I wouldn’t have to talk for a minute, and I just started to think about all the good things about my husband. It might sound kind of silly, but it worked! I thought about how much I missed him all week and what a good man he is and how handsome he is, and I felt better. I also felt pretty bad for being irritable with him in the first place.

Just telling him.

At one point, at the end of the day, I suddenly felt like I could cry because I was so irritated with everything that everyone did all day long. I felt like the day was ruined by my hormones and I just wanted to start sobbing. I told Brian, “Look… I am feeling really pregnant and emotional and crappy. Every sound and touch is annoying me. It’s not you, it’s all me, and I’m sorry, but could I just have as much quiet and space as possible?” He was totally sweet and understanding and became really helpful with the kids and their loudness. He also gave me space and just let me calm down. Seeing this took away my irritation and helped so much! I ended up popping my headphones in for a few minutes and listening to Jim Gaffigan comedy. Weird, but it also helped! I don’t think Brian even knew I had headphones in, ha.

Praying for a change.

This is last on the list not because it’s the least important, not because it’s the last thing I tried (it was actually the first), but because it didn’t work like I wished it would. Just being honest! I sort of felt like God allowed me to work through my irritability and figure out that it was me, not Brian that was the problem. If He had taken it away, I would have been robbed of that lesson, and of the opportunity to learn how to manage my moods in pregnancy and on bad days. However, there have been other times, in different situations than this, that I have come to the Lord exasperated by my emotions ,and received relief and grace from Him. So this option is still valid!

I hope I don’t sound like a complete jerk in this post, and that you can relate and even find this helpful. It really is just a part of pregnancy, marriage, and life for me. If you can’t relate then just extend a little grace to me today 🙂