Today I’m clearing confusion and lifting guilt surrounding feeling unfulfilled. If you feel unfulfilled, I hope this episode enlightens you, helps you know yourself a little better, and helps you know what you need to do from here. Let’s dive in!
In this episode Allie discuss:
- Her own journey of finding fulfillment
- How to know if you’re unfulfilled
- How to find fulfillment
Mentioned in this Episode:
Courses (Use the code PURPOSESHOW for 10% off!)
The Purpose Show Facebook Community
We’re surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life, the no-time-for-myself life, the hard life. And while it can be hard and full of lots of showing up for others, the idea that being a mom means living a joyless, stale, or shit-show life all the time is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.
I’m Allie Casazza, and I’m about to make your life so much lighter.
I’m the best-selling author of the book, Declutter Like A Mother, and the creator of several life-changing online programs that have enrolled tens of thousands of students.
If you’ve been feeling chronically behind, if you wake up feeling exhausted for a day that hasn’t even started yet, if you constantly feel like you don’t have time for the things that really matter to you, I’ve got you.
I went from being a completely overwhelmed, depressed, struggling mom of three babies and toddlers who, I’ll be honest with you, didn’t want to be a mom anymore because I felt like I was failing so hard at it every day.
Through a lot of figuring out, searching for help, inner work, and shifting how I was doing and being, I found that the less I had in my way, the more joy, focus, and purpose I brought into my life. We have to define what is in our way and what is actually worthy of our energy.
I went from blogging about my journey to becoming the founder of a multi-million dollar online business, all based on helping women live better, lighter lives.
Join millions of listeners around the world for conversations that will lift your mood, focus your intention and raise your vibe week after week.
We talk motherhood, lifestyle, wellbeing, and simplifying everything from home to schedule to business.
Listen, this is about not just waking up and reacting to our lives and letting the day run us, but setting the intention, taking ownership of every single day, and making life work for us, making it easier.
Friend, I am so glad you’re here! I’m Allie and you’re listening to The Purpose Show.
Hey friends! Because it’s so important to me that I am able to authentically be myself and I want to speak the way that I normally speak here on my podcast, you’ll find the occasional curse word in my show. So if that bothers you or it’s not something that you want your kids to hear, grab your headphones.
In the show you’ll also find some episodes with adult themes, just things that are a little bit too mature or hard to process for young ears. So, in general, headphones might be a good idea. I love you guys. I’m glad you’re here and enjoy this episode.
Hi, friend! Welcome to The Purpose Show. I am currently recording in my room. I have this little setup in the corner of my room by my bed.
My laptop is on this janky little table stand thing. I’ve got my handheld mic so I look like Carrie Underwood about to perform at the Super Bowl. Well, I don’t look like that, but I am holding a mic, so close enough.
We have the craziest day here today. We had a plumbing explosion from behind our dishwasher. We have emergency plumbers here and they’re on the other side of my wall, so if it gets a little noisy, that’s why. We also have some electricians here hanging a chandelier in our entryway. They’ve been here for hours because there’s a bunch of problems with it.
Needless to say, I cannot use my office because of the placement in the house, so I’m in the corner of my room, half standing and then I’ll probably sit down at some point because I’m antsy. Yeah, that’s me standing in the corner of my room with my handheld Carrie Underwood mike, so here we are.
I’m going to record this episode in this weird little spot and talk to you about something really big. I’m gonna talk to you about how to find fulfillment.
I get so many DM’s (I feel like I say that a lot, but I really do), about fulfillment. Women opening up and sharing that they don’t feel fulfilled, that they have a lot of guilt and confusion around that. They want to be fulfilled but they literally don’t know how or where to go.
I feel like so many people think or talk about a lack of fulfillment like there’s something seriously wrong with you, or it’s scary or dangerous. I’m gonna say so much about this.
It is good to feel that way. It’s just a signal. I don’t want to rant too much before because I have some notes here and I want to dive in, but this is what we’re gonna talk about today.
My hope for this is that it enlightens you. I want you to feel like this makes so much sense, like you understand yourself a little bit better and know what to do from here. That’s my hope. So let’s dive in and hope that that’s where you end up.
I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it—I feel very, very strongly that for me, personally, I am a better mother since I started my business. I always had a fear and a belief that if you’re working, you’re not as good of a mom.
It’s interesting because I didn’t really judge other people. I didn’t really look at friends that worked and had kids and think that they weren’t doing a good job. I only thought this about myself. Does anyone relate to that?
I don’t remember ever thinking, Oh, she works and she has kids, so she’s not doing as good of a job. or There’s no way she could be doing it all. I only really had admiration for people in my life that were living that way.
When I thought about myself working, I had that belief and judgment for myself. But it is actually the opposite. The before and after of that, of me being a stay-at-home mom and me being a business-owning mom, is such a stark difference in who I was as a person in general. I see a drastically huge difference in who I was and who I am as a mom.
I don’t believe this has anything to do with being a working mom versus being a stay-at-home mom. But rather the difference comes from being a fulfilled human being.
As a human being that I am specifically, I was not fulfilled as a stay-at-home mom, and then I was fulfilled as a working mom. So the difference came from fulfillment, not the work itself. If there was something else that brought me that fulfillment, I would be doing that if it wasn’t working. But for me it was.
I believe that I am here for a reason and that my business is a huge part of that. I am here to bring a lot of change to a lot of women. And I do that through my work.
Before I started my business, I didn’t know that I was not fulfilled. I didn’t really have that language. I didn’t have permission to use that language, I should say.
I’ve shared before that I was raised in a private school that was pretty religious and very limiting on women. It didn’t even cross my mind to say that I was unfulfilled. I wouldn’t dare say that or think that.
But I was unknowingly seeking fulfillment in small ways. I was always starting something, working on something, blogging, doing projects, reaching out to do guest posts, starting MLMs as businesses, starting regular businesses and then stopping them because I couldn’t keep it up because I didn’t have permission to go ahead and work.
I don’t mean I didn’t have permission from Brian or even my parents, but just in my unconscious mind. That school really did a number on me, really affected me. Brian has always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted, and what I wanted was to be home with my kids.
I just thought that being a stay-at-home mom was the only way to do that. So I was unknowingly being an entrepreneur in small ways, wherever I could, and seeking fulfillment in other ways, because when I wasn’t working on something else, I felt really sad and off. I just didn’t feel like myself.
And again, it had nothing to do with motherhood or my kids. It was just like I wanted to be doing something else. I can’t describe it any better than that. I didn’t feel like I was being myself when I didn’t have something else that I was working on or doing.
And even when I was doing those other things, I still didn’t really feel like my full self. I just felt very off, like something was missing in the reason that I’m here, and it’s just very unsettling. It’s just very unsettling.
If you’ve listened to my podcast for a while, or if you’ve heard episode six, you know my story. I turned my blog into a business, started a company, worked really hard at it, went all in and turned it into this seven figure company within 18 months. Now it’s this amazing multimillion dollar, successful, happy business that I am so honored to be running. I have this big team of all these people working with me and it’s amazing.
And after my business, even in the beginning, when it was just me and I wasn’t really making much money, I could not stop being in love with my life. Even when I wasn’t working on my business and I was just sitting on the floor, playing with my kids like I had done for years, I had such a deep, inner peace. I felt calm, grounded, and spiritually satiated, like I was in line with who I really am and I was in line with something bigger than me, with God.
I felt so good, grounded, happy, and at peace. I was sleeping better. I was feeling so happy to wake up in the morning. I was getting up crazy early to work on the business before Brian would go to work in the very beginning and I was happy to do that. It was amazing.
I now know I was experiencing fulfillment. This could come from work. It could come from volunteering somewhere. It could come from anything. It can come from motherhood itself. I know women that have this feeling that I’m describing and they are stay-at-home moms.
Everyone has a different path. Everything in their life is supposed to look a certain way and that is different than the next person. We can’t judge.
This is why it’s so annoying when people are like “stay at home mom versus working mom.” We’re not supposed to be “versus” each other. Okay? Patriarchy much?
And also it’s not about that. It’s about how you find fulfillment as an individual. And that’s going to look very different from the next person.
Mamas! I have amazing news. My second book is officially available for pre-order!
It’s actually not for you; it’s for your kids! It’s called Be The Boss Of Your Stuff. It was written by me with input from my own kids. It was written for kids ages 8 to 13, or really anywhere around there.
A bunch of moms in my community have been messaging me that they’re buying it to read to their younger kids. I have the book in my hands right now and flipping through it, that is going to work perfectly. This book is for any kid!
This book is going to empower your kids to take on a lifestyle of simplicity, less clutter, and teach them all the amazing things that I’ve been teaching you that have helped you so much and spare them the hard journey.
It’s going to help them move away from corporate consumerism in a way that will serve them greatly their whole lives.
Be The Boss Of Your Stuff will also help your kids clean out their rooms and make decisions about all their stuff with confidence by themselves. This means the pressure and micromanaging is off of you completely, which is my whole goal with this book.
It’s also going to help them work through tough emotions that might come up as they make decisions about their things. It will help them deal with what to do if they feel guilty because somebody gave them something. What to do if grandma or grandpa or Aunt Sally is continuously giving them things and they’re trying to stay decluttered.
It’s going to help them take charge of their space, figure out their design style, bring it into their newly decluttered room and live a lifestyle of freedom for life.
Honestly, getting this book for your kids is a huge, huge gift.
Be The Boss Of Your Stuff releases March 1st, but I want you to preorder it now, not only because preorders are life-changing for an author, but because if you preorder you get something that those who buy it once it’s actually out will not be getting: a free brand new course! My kids and I created Be The Boss Of Your Stuff – The Crash Course Just For Kids.
It is brand new and has not been accessed by anyone or sold anywhere. It features my oldest two kids, Bella and Leland, they’re 12 and 10. It’s them talking to your kids and teaching them about minimalism, decluttering, how to keep their rooms non-disastrous.
It’s very, very simple, really easy to watch, easy to take in. And of course we know because I say it all the time, kids retain information so much better when it’s delivered to them through other kids.
This is a really cool thing. A tool that you can have in your mom tool belt, have access to, put it on the iPad, show it to your kids and let other kids talk to them about this. Again, it’s about removing that burden from you as the parent.
None of this content is anywhere. It is brand new. It is only for those that preorder the Be The Boss Of Your Stuff book.
It is fun for kids of all ages to watch!
The course is valued at $129 and you will be getting it for free when you preorder!
Another bonus with this is that the course will be delivered to your email right away, right after you preorder and submit your confirmation number. You can have your kids start taking in this content and thinking about this topic while you wait for the book to arrive and that can then take them deeper.
To pre-order and do all of this, go to bethebossofyourstuff.com. Pre-order the book now. And on that same webpage, you’ll see the place to submit your confirmation number from your order to get you your free course access.
Bethebossofyourstuff.com. Preorder now! Tag me on Instagram and Facebook! Tell all your mom friends! Let’s make this a whole movement for the next generation!
But what is fulfillment? How do you know if you’re fulfilled? How do we find fulfillment in the way we’re living our lives? Especially when it can feel scary and unsettling that you think you might not be fulfilled. Let’s expand on this.
First, please know that if you already know or come to find that you are not fulfilled fully by your current life, please release any guilt that comes up with that. Friend, there is seriously nothing to be guilty for. Feeling unfulfilled has nothing to do with your kids, with your partner, your blessings.
It is just a neutral sign that’s coming up for you for a reason. It’s meant to get your attention because there’s yet another blessing waiting for you. And probably one that will also make the lives of others better and we get to see how that unfolds and what that turns into. There’s literally nothing to be guilty for.
Having said that, let’s talk about what it looks like to not be fulfilled. Some signs are avoidance. What I mean by this is just avoiding the tasks in your day like death a lot of the time. Maybe you avoid your emotions through unhealthy behavior.
When we avoid ourselves, when we avoid our emotions, when we avoid spending time alone, being with ourselves, really fully admitting how we’re feeling about things it’s often because there’s something deeper going on that we don’t want to uncover, that we don’t want to deal with.
Feeling unfulfilled is a big thing to admit. It really shouldn’t be, but in our society and in ourselves, it is. If you are avoiding something, is there avoidance in your life and in yourself at all, that could be coming from feeling unfulfilled?
Angry outbursts can also be a sign of a lack of fulfillment. This was me and my sign. I just didn’t understand why I would just lose it.
I would just lose my shit randomly pretty often, sometimes more than others, but it was honestly embarrassing to see and really hard for me because I didn’t want to be doing that. I didn’t really understand and no one taught me how to deal with emotions, so I would just explode. I was so off, feeling so lost, not myself and unfulfilled that I would just get angry.
Another thing is resentment. This is also something that was one of my biggest signs. Resentment toward people, especially toward people that you view as being fulfilled or who are doing something that you would like to do deep down. That can look like feeling really resentful or jealous of other people.
Another sign is feeling lost in the woods, so to speak. Feeling lost in the woods, in your life, feeling empty, bored, dissatisfied, generally unhappy, but not sure why, and feeling guilty for feeling that way. Just feeling lost and off, like I was describing.
Another thing to look for is if you’ve lost touch with yourself, or you don’t know who you even are because you are disconnected from feeling good and being connected with yourself.
When we feel good, we are happy, grounded, and connected to ourselves. This is why feeling good, enjoying things, and experiencing little pleasures in life is so important. Because it connects you to yourself.
It makes you happy. It lifts you up. It gets you more in line with how you’re really supposed to be feeling. Good is our standard and that’s how we’re meant to feel.
But sometimes life happens and you don’t feel good, of course. But when you don’t allow yourself from feeling good, enjoying life, and enjoy being with yourself, you get disconnected from yourself and that will make anyone feel off.
This is really deep and heavy, but if you’ve lost touch with yourself it might be because unconsciously you may not really want to connect with yourself because you’re feeling unfulfilled. That makes sense, right? If you’re feeling unfulfilled, you might be kind of bitter towards happiness because you feel like it’s not in the cards for you, so you avoid yourself and you avoid feeling happy.
Also, you might put too much pressure on yourself in small things. A lot of the time, people that are unfulfilled put so much pressure on themselves for the things that they are involved in, really small things that are just normal parts of the day.
Over-perfectionism. Making sure that you do every single thing perfectly. Being super hard on yourself if you mess up and schedule an appointment on the wrong day or you don’t text a friend back or something.
You’re being super hard on yourself with little things. Maybe you volunteered to make cookies for your kids’ class and you have to make them from scratch with the best recipe and they have to be the best cookies of all time. Obsessively being really hard on yourself in small things can be a sign of a lack of fulfillment.
These are just some signs. There are obviously more, but resentment and anger were definitely mine. There are a lot of things that can come up and the root issue is that you’re not actually feeling fulfilled and validating those feelings and allowing yourself to work through that and admit that it’s okay.
How do we find fulfillment if we don’t know what exactly is missing? First, remember to work through your emotions surrounding this. Process any guilt you have over feeling this way. Admit to yourself how you’re feeling. Use EFT, if you’re familiar, or tapping to process your emotions and get them to work through.
There’s a training on tapping from my coach, Sarah Spears, in Unburdened. If you’re a student there, you can reference that and allow her to support you in tapping through your emotions. It really moves them through you so you’re not emotionally charged anymore. It becomes very neutral and it’s so freaking freeing.
Work through your emotions surrounding this and get real with yourself. Admit to yourself. Let it be okay. Work through any guilt. Process how you’re feeling. Be honest with yourself. That’s the first step. Being aware and processing that.
Then check in and see if you feel unworthy deep down. If you feel unworthy of fulfillment, you’re going to resist finding fulfillment. Then any efforts that you take to get fulfilled or create something new in your life are going to be thwarted by you.
You’re going to self-sabotage because you don’t actually believe you’re worthy deep down of being fulfilled. This could happen if maybe your parents passed on a belief that you’re not supposed to feel fulfilled, that life is a grind, that we are fulfilled by family and that’s it. It can come from anywhere, so check in on that.
Another way to find fulfillment is to be open to new ideas. Get curious. Notice emotions when people pop up in your social feeds. Do you get jealous of someone? Why are you jealous of them? What do they have that you don’t have, or that you think you don’t have, or that you think you’re not worthy of? Notice your emotions and your thoughts.
Pray about this. Meditate on this. Imagine new roads opening up in front of you. Be willing to receive new ideas. Be willing for signs to drop in your path of things that you might be interested in or that might be your next step.
Another way to find fulfillment is to talk to a trusted loved one about how you’re feeling and receive their insight. Something that is next for you might come through one of them. I can’t tell you how many times my next right step in my journey came through a friend who saw something and thought of me, or had a dream about me doing something, or heard someone talking about something and thought of me and texted me. So many things have come through other people.
Another thing is to connect with yourself. Connect with yourself, friend. So much of the time we do everything based on what other people think and want. We put ourselves dead last.
We disconnect from ourselves because it’s just easier. It’s just easier. We really are just avoiding and denying ourselves. It’s easy now, but so much harder in the long run.
Get back to yourself through ways that feel good. That might actually be asking yourself what you want in the small things and doing that or speaking up. Well, I really want to go get Thai food for lunch. Is that okay with you? instead of just going wherever your friend or partner wants to go.
It might be spending more time alone, turning off stimulants like music when you drive. Just drive in silence and be with yourself. Or when you’re home alone. Just be with yourself. It might be meditating, breathing, and just being with yourself.
One of my favorite ways to get that connection back with myself if I’ve lost it or been avoiding something and disconnected from myself by habit is to just take a bath. I pour a small glass of wine. I get in the bath and I just sit and be with myself. It is incredible every single time.
When you are not fulfilled, you have lost connection with yourself. That’s really what it comes down to. There may be really good reasons that you’ve gotten there, but we have to find those roots. We have to find where it comes from and we have to work through it.
A lack of fulfillment is just a neutral signal that something is off and something is ready to be birthed through you, something that’s going to make you really fulfilled, really happy and probably help others too. Work through this. Come back to this episode if you need to.
Friends, there is a training that is legit paid quality. It is so full and it’s completely free! I created it for you. It’s called Get Clear On Your Calling. It is a full training. It comes with a PDF journal that you can work through.
I’m promising you, it is life changing if you let it be. It’s really, really good. I’m really proud of it, and I want everyone to have access to it. It’s free. I’m putting the link here in show notes but if you want it, it is alliecasazza.com/calling.
Go and get that training. It’s free. That’s your next step. It’s going to help you figure out what you might want to do when you’re ready.
I hope this episode supports you. I hope that freebie supports you. Know that you are so supported.
The key is to connect with yourself. Allow yourself to be real with yourself about how you’re feeling. Don’t ignore it, avoid it, suppress it, or pretend it’s not there anymore because that’s not doing anyone any good. And you’re worth more than that.
Love you guys so much. I’ll talk to you next time.
If you would like a more behind-the-scenes view into my life, this lifestyle, regular life hacks, tips and more content that’s really going to create lightness in your social media feed, follow me on Instagram @allie_that’sme, or you can search Allie Casazza and it’s the one with the blue check mark.
If this episode or any episode was helpful for you, please consider leaving me a review on Apple Podcast. It is literally the lifeblood for a podcaster, and it helps me so much.
Thank you for tuning in. If you would like to learn more from me, how I can help you, how you can implement the things we talk about here on The Purpose Show, leaning more into making life simpler, better and more abundant in the best ways, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, online programs and other resources to help you create the life you really want in a very deep dive style.
I am always rooting for you, friend. I will see you next time. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.