Hello, my friends. Welcome back to the Purpose Show podcast. If you are a brand new listener, you actually landed in a really good spot because this episode is packed. And I also went the extra distance and I made you guys this whole freaking like quiz to help you identify your self-sabotaging type and really break down for you what is happening with you, understanding your patterns, finding your patterns, then understanding them, and then like what to do about it and action steps to take and where to get support. So there’s a whole thing there for you if you go to alakazaza.com TPS links. It’ll be right there for you. Just look through the links until you find it. If it’s not right at the top, if you’re listening after this aired, you know, a bit ago. I’m really excited for you to go and get that. I spent like the entire day on it today. Um, and so I’m just really excited. It’s, it’s loaded. So I’ll remind you of it later in the episode, but that is there and trust me, you’re going to want it. It’s going to open your eyes. It’s really going to help you feel seen and it’s really going to give you a deeper understanding of your patterns. So obviously today we are talking about self-sabotage and we’re specifically talking about how we self-sabotage through creating chaos when things are too good or peaceful or just constantly needing to have a version of chaos in our lives because subconsciously we want to disrupt peace and disrupt our progress in life. So while consciously that is obviously not what we want, unconsciously we do. That’s what we’re comfortable with. So we’re going to get into this I’m also going to share just some personal insights in this episode and like kind of how this episode came to be and what I realized about myself. We’re going to talk about actionable steps and really like a path to a solution because, you know, I’m not about just like enlightening you and then dipping out and dropping the mic. I want you to take the action. So let’s get into it. So I, oh my gosh, like there’s just been, looking back at like my 20s and really just like my whole adult life, I see now what a major pattern of self-sabotage and creating chaos I have had. I realized though recently like I realized it and I really noticed like wow every time something is really good and peaceful I try to fuck it up. Like I will create a problem, I’ll pick a fight with my man, I will sabotage something financially. I will like procrastinate and not do work when I’m like on the brink of a breakthrough in the business. Like I just really became aware of this pattern and the awareness actually came from my relationship. I just noticed that like wow I’m creating problems on my end when there are not problems and and I really noticed it and kind of leaned into it and actually I started to like research it more and then discovered like this is a whole thing and so over the last like maybe six months or so I’ve really dove into this because that was like when I discovered this about myself. And I’ve gained so many insights. And then I started my current certification program. And we’ve been actually covering some of this. And that enlightened me like a whole bunch more. Plus just like the study of the subconscious mind and psychocybernetics and how the mind basically just operates off of programming without really knowing if something is helpful or unhelpful. All of that just collected over the past like six months or so and has just led me to so many realizations. And I had to share them here with you. So Let’s get first into like understanding the chaos creation cycle. And you’re probably going to pick things out of this episode and just be like, oh, my God, that one’s me. That’s totally me. I’ve done that before, but this one I do all the time. And so I really want you to tune in to your own self-awareness, because as I always say, that is the first real step to change. So when I say, you know, we have a self-sabotage pattern of creating chaos. Creating chaos refers to the subconscious act of disrupting your own peace or progress by bringing in totally unnecessary, although it feels very valid in the moment, bringing in unnecessary conflict, stress, or complications. This is a form of self-sabotage that stems from having discomfort with stability or discomfort with success. So some people feel uncomfortable with peace and progress because they have internalized beliefs that they don’t deserve success. They don’t deserve stability and peace. So then that leads them to, because that’s their subconscious programming and your subconscious mind is always going to serve you and act according to its programming, again, without awareness that it’s helpful or unhelpful, good or bad. It is just simply doing what it’s programmed to do. Then your subconscious mind is going to lead you to disrupt. any peace, success or stability as a way to maintain a familiar sense of struggle or a familiar sense of chaos. Because your brain is going to take anything that is familiar and mark it as safe and anything that is unfamiliar and mark it as like uncomfortable, unsafe and reject it. So this discomfort with peace and progress stems so often from like this deep seated fear or past experiences. So this causes people to like sort of sabotage their own success to avoid facing like the unknown or like I don’t know what’s going to happen if I do something I’ve never done before or if I reach a level of success or happiness I’ve never had before. or to avoid kind of like facing the unknown or feelings of unworthiness. So it’s either the unknown or feelings of unworthiness. It’s usually one of those two things. Okay. So feelings of unworthiness meaning I’m not worthy of being unconditionally loved. So I’m going to sabotage that unconditional love. Okay. So those are the two typical ways where it comes from. So some of the signs that you might be engaging in this sort of behavior are procrastination or just repeatedly delaying tasks when things are going smoothly, picking fights or creating conflict in your relationships without clear reasons, which was what drew me, drew my attention to this issue and then I found other things that I did that were in line with this behavior. Suddenly losing motivation or interest in projects that were previously exciting. So you say like, oh, I just lost motivation. I just, I’m not a finisher. But like you are sabotaging. You’re operating out of programmed behavior. Making impulsive decisions that really disrupt your routine or your progress. Overthinking, creating problems where none exist. This leads to like totally unnecessary stress or complications. So if any of those resonate, I got you. We’re gonna like begin to recognize your patterns now and we’re gonna talk about how to break the cycle. And then again like the quiz that I made is going to really enlighten you and really draw your attention where you need it to go specifically. I used these like psychologically designed questions in the quiz. There’s only eight questions and they are designed to really draw attention to what type of self-sabotage you exhibit the most. You can have many types, multiple types, but which one are you the most so that you can hone in and work through that and then I’ll guide you through even that process. So just a reminder, alexhouser.com slash TPS links and you’ll get that quiz. Okay, So let’s do a little bit of reflection here. I want you to think about the different areas of your life. where you feel like there’s just kind of really often chaos or drama or stress. Maybe it’s your relationship where you’re just kind of like, why do I seem to pick fights? Why does there always seem to be a problem with money? The moment I get money, it’s gone. Like I want you to think through these areas in your life, and I want you to like locate where you might be creating unnecessary chaos or drama. And you can pause this episode and come back. I would encourage you to journal about like think through moments of peace that you have disrupted. Like all of a sudden your husband’s breathing just pisses you the fuck off and you lose it on him and you have this big fight or you’re on your way to a nice date night and his hand is on your thigh in the car and it’s so nice but all of a sudden you remember something and just start picking a fight or he says one thing that’s really not a big deal when you make it a big deal. And it’s almost like you consciously know why am I making this such a big deal, but you can’t stop it because that’s your programming. So outside of relationship examples, maybe your business, maybe you’re a business owner, and it’s going really well. You’re really making strides. You’re really moving forward. But all of a sudden, you drop your business. You stop creating social media content consistently. You stop regularly emailing your list. And sales plummet because you just got too busy. you’re disrupting the pattern of peace because you are used to a pattern of chaos and stress. So I really want you to take time and reflect and like look at the different areas of your life and where you tend to have patterns like this. And it can be really helpful to write them down. You guys know I’m a huge fan of getting even those of you who are not typically journalers to write things down because of the different parts of the brain that pen to paper activity activates is really helpful. So feel free to pause and come back after you do that. But it’s just really important to become mindful of these patterns as the first step to change that self-awareness, OK? Moving forward from there, if you’re not pausing or you have come back from a pause, we want to break the cycle, right? So let’s talk about strategies to break this cycle. First of all, like we’ve been talking about, we want to just continue this conversation of mindfulness and awareness. So when you realize that you’re engaging in self-sabotaging behavior, you can then be aware that you do this, be aware that it’s a pattern, and start to practice mindfulness and awareness in the moment. So usually it’s already happening. I’m just now getting to a point where I can notice that I’m about to before I actually do it, and then kind of pause and re-engage myself and respond out of awareness. But for the last like six plus months, it’s been like I don’t notice until I’m already in. I’m already doing it. I’m already fucking up the date night. I’m already like sabotaging my business productivity like I’m already doing it. And so it’s okay. It’s okay if it takes you time. It’s okay if it takes you less time than six months, longer than six months, as long as you have that awareness and you are committed to being a healthier, happier, more healed, and enlightened version of yourself, then you are doing better than most people. You’re doing amazing, okay? Practicing mindfulness in the moment, like take a deep breath, acknowledge that the thought is coming in or the action has happened, you’re already in it, and don’t judge yourself. You are a freaking human, you have this programming that you did not intentionally put in there, and you are aware of it and willing to redirect it and reprogram it. Take a deep breath, remove the self-judgment, and gently redirect your focus to a more constructive thought, a more positive behavior. Take a step back if you need to. Take a moment. And then just like what I’ve been doing in my relationship is just being like, I apologize. I need a second. I just needed to think for a second. Or, oh my god, I’m sorry. I realize what I’m doing. And what I actually feel is this. so just like come back from it instead of just you know when you’re in the you know when you’re like in it and you’re totally self-sabotaging you’re totally ruining this moment you’re totally self-sabotaging your piece and you know it you become aware and you’re just like maybe you don’t have the the language until this episode to be like oh i’m self-sabotaging i’m creating chaos but you just know like why do i do this why am i in this again why am i doing this and you just can’t stop it because you already started the argument and you’re like stubborn and committed to it, that awareness. You already have that awareness. We’re just doing something about it now, okay? The other strategy to overcome this pattern is the acceptance of peace. So really learning, like asking yourself, why am I not good with peace? Why am I so like peace is what I’m consciously seeking. It’s obviously what we all want. But why am I so like unconsciously not OK with a peaceful moment, a peaceful night, a peaceful business, a peaceful home, a peaceful marriage, a peaceful work environment, whatever it is, and really like ask yourself, how can I embrace peace? How can I begin to embrace calm and stability? Because for so many of us, I think, especially those that have experienced like a lot of trauma or grew up in a really chaotic household, we actually find stability really boring. We need drama. We need chaos because it in some level is comforting. And on some level, the peace is actually a discomfort. And so how can we get comfortable with peace? What would that look like? How can you sit with your peace? The biggest suggestion I have here, other than getting awareness of what kind of self-sabotage you’re practicing, is EFT, emotional freedom technique. If you are not aware, I am a certified practitioner. I’m obsessed. I use EFT almost every day. I love it. I highly, highly recommend it. it is actually going to reprogram your subconscious mind to do whatever you’re telling it to do. So I create a ton of videos like I have a massive library of EFT videos inside of Becoming Her Collective, where you can go in and you can just tap where I tap on the acupressure points. and then repeat after me to like allow more peace, to release anxiety, to be happier in your marriage, like whatever the topic is. There’s a library of different topics. But EFT is going to set you so free and literally reprogram you to be uncomfortable with chaos and comfortable with peace. The other strategy is reframing your thoughts. So this is like such a cool practice. It’s something that I’m learning in my certification program right now. Can you see this from another angle? Can you train your mind to not just be like, oh, he’s being annoying. This is a disaster. All of this sucks. I’m too overwhelmed to finish this project. I’m just going to stop and go watch TV. Can you see this from another angle? Can you see the situation from like, wow, my man loves me enough to do this thing that I’m finding annoying? Can you look at it from another angle? Can you look at how you’re seeing this as a state of, boring and creating chaos instead of viewing it as a state of such peace and leaning into it and letting yourself sit in the peace and be comfortable with it. Can you reframe and retrain your mind? You are capable of doing that. And if you need guidance, girl, that’s what I’m here for, okay? Another strategy I wanted to bring up here is practicing new habits. So new habits that contribute to you getting comfortable with peace, stability, and calm. Rewiring your subconscious mind, reprogramming, resetting your central nervous system to where peace is no longer like going to create this like, wee, wee, wee, I gotta create chaos, and like spiral you, okay? Establish a daily routine. for some regular structure. When I have clients or members in my community in the collective that say that they just are not routined, they can’t do it no matter what they do, they never stick with it, I know immediately they are resistant to routine because their subconscious programming views it as boring, as unsafe, whatever, they reject it. So can you establish a daily routine and make yourself stick with it for 21 to 30 days to establish that habit and reprogram your subconscious mind. This is why I’m such a big advocate of the daily ritual I created. It’s why I created the ritual in the first place and tested it for over a year. It fucking works. The Becoming Our Daily Ritual involves five minutes of visualization, five minutes of EFT, five minutes of scripting, five minutes of positive self-talk, five minutes of intuitive movement and stretching to really cement that piece into your body and your central nervous system. It is going to reprogram you in 25 minutes a day and that’s it. So can you establish that daily routine for 21 to 30 days and then keep it going from there because it’ll be a habit at that point. and get yourself comfortable with structure. I’m comfortable with structure now. And that’s what the EFT can be. I choose to be comfortable with structure. I choose to be comfortable with peace. I release my addiction to chaos. I release the subconscious programming to chaos and distress. Can you establish a daily routine to create that structure, create that stability, and learn to sit with it and enjoy it? You are not a naturally unroutined, chaotic person. You have that programming. Your baseline is abundance, peace, happiness, joy, peace. Everything else is programmed, and it’s not serving you, so we need to reprogram it. If you want to start the daily routine, or you’ve never heard me mention that before, go to that same link that I’ve been mentioning. I keep all the Purpose Show links in one place to make things easy for you guys. and go get the Becoming Her blueprint. What that’s going to do is it’s going to have a video and it’s going to walk you through my signature method, which includes that Becoming Her daily routine and exactly what to do, exactly how to do it. And then it also comes with a PDF with it, like printed out and resources and links to help you. So again, that’s the alex.com slash TPS links. OK. OK. Another new habit you might want to get into is gratitude. So overstated, so underpracticed, but really like practicing gratitude is going to train your subconscious mind to automatically shift its focus to positivity instead of naturally and always like going to stress and chaos. Another habit is setting clear boundaries to protect your peace. So a lot of the time when we are used to chaos and we’re familiar with stress, we know we want to set boundaries and we get irritated at other people for encroaching on them, but we’re actually so comfortable being stressed that we don’t set boundaries because that would mean we had peace and we’re so uncomfortable with peace, so we self-sabotage by not having boundaries. So set clear boundaries and let yourself sit with that boundary. Let yourself sit in the peace that boundary brings you. Another one is prioritizing restful activities like reading or walking. So for me, and this is like I feel like this kind of stuff just sounds so annoying and like, oh, my God, like I’ve heard this before or like, no, I’d rather just watch Netflix like blah, blah, blah, whatever. But this is it. Yeah, I know it’s annoying, but this is the truth. One of the things I noticed when I was getting really hyper aware of my pattern of chaos and self-sabotage in this way is that I would avoid reading books. I love to read. I love to learn. Like I’m an avid learner. But I noticed that I stopped reading for like two years. Like I barely read. And I would only learn in things that felt really stressful. Like I would sign myself up for all these like certification programs and like do these like Udemy courses and all these different things to just to like constantly take in rapid information instead of like calming the F down and like having a cup of tea and like reading a book like reading a novel that’s not going to improve my life necessarily in terms of like self-help or self-growth, but just because it’s a story and I enjoy it. Reading a book, like a self-help book even, and just like reading it calmly, reading it because I feel like reading. I would go to like rapid fire learning and stressing myself out to like be productive and perform or I would watch Netflix or watch TV because it was like stimulatory and it’s not very restful. It’s really not if you think about it. It’s not restful for your mind at least, right? So can you prioritize restful activities like going for a walk after dinner and then coming home and reading, you know, half a chapter of a book before you turn on the TV? Can you prioritize things like that? That is really going to reset your central nervous system and show your subconscious like, OK, this is our new norm. This is our new standard. We’re peaceful. We’re calming the fuck down. And then, OK, what to do instead when you are like, I am a chaos creator, I self-sabotage in all these different ways, I create chaos in my work, in my relationships, in my whatever. What are some healthy alternatives? OK. So if you need to be busy, I am like this. I need to be busy. I actually truly authentically, no matter what it’s coming from or what programming or whatever, I am the kind of person that really loves having a lot going on. And not in a bad way, like more of a like, I love when I look at my calendar and I’ve got calls for the collective, calls for CEO club, I’ve got a list of emails I need to write to my list to talk and encourage you guys. I like it when I have football practice for the boys. I like it when there’s things going on. Now that I’m aware of my programming and my old pattern, I don’t like it when it feels too crazy. If it feels like it’s stretching me really thin, I’m now getting really good at going ahead and backing out of something, going ahead and canceling something. rescheduling something, moving something. Like I’m now prioritizing my piece over pretty much everything and that’s really new for me and feels really good but in my heart of hearts I am the kind of girl that likes to have things going on. I enjoy having a full fulfilling life and I used to take that and combine it with this cycle of chaos and self-sabotage and just have like so much stress all the time that I could barely breathe and then I would complain about it but then secretly like it was fulfilling me. It was comforting to me because of my programming. So now that’s really like lessened and I’m just like, I like being fulfilled. I like having things going on. I like to have my hand in different things. I like to be learning something new all the time, but I just, I can have it in a state of peace. So healthy alternatives to that chaos creation. If you need, if you like to have things going on, channel that chaotic energy into a positive project. So Instead of letting the urge for chaos just take over and like ruin your date night, ruin your day, ruin your productivity, direct that energy into positive outlets so that it’s constantly able to be expressed, but it’s not getting expressed in an area that’s harmful to the well-being of your life, the quality of your life, right? Or the well-being of those around you. So start a new project. Finally, just start that house project and that corner that’s ugly as hell and you just been bugging you and you want to make it better. Start that new project. Learn a skill. And learn a new language. Like, literally, we have all these things that we want to do and we say we don’t have time for, but then we’re self-sabotaging our peace by creating all this chaos. And we could have just channeled that energy into doing one of the things we say we’ve always wanted to do. Invest time in meaningful relationships. Start signing up for things and creating community. Go to a women’s group and make friends. Go join like a biking group and like go bike riding in your area and make friends. Like whatever you kind of enjoy doing, go find a group of people that also enjoy doing it and invest your energy in creating meaningful relationships so that you’re feeling fulfilled and full and you’re less likely to create that chaos. By focusing on creation and connection and channeling your energy in places like that, you can basically transform destructive impulses into opportunities for growth, and that’s the vibe. That’s the fucking vibe. That’s what queens do, and we’re queens, okay? This not only is going to help you really maintain that new habit, that new pattern of stability, but it’s really going to create an environment of personal and professional development where you’re literally just becoming better as a person. The other thing that chaos creators need is to set and achieve goals. So put your energy towards progress instead of sabotage. What do you want to work on? What do you want to obtain? Get super, super clear and start creating a new life for yourself while training yourself to be comfortable with peace. And then again, I want to just like hit this point home even harder. You really need to create a peaceful routine, routines that reinforce stability and peace, like making you more comfortable with it over time. So again, you’ve got to go get. the Becoming Her blueprint if you have not already. You need to go and watch the video, you need to take this in and you need to get the, you need to make a 30 day goal sheet and check off each day or check it off on your calendar or use an Expo marker and mark it on your bathroom mirror until you hit 30 days. I always say 21 days to make a habit but I like to do 30. Because if you miss some days or whatever, like it ends up being more over time. So it’s like a little safety net. But I want you to do that. I want you to do the daily ritual. There’s the method. And step two in the method is the daily ritual or the daily routine. And that is going to help you get more set with peace, more comfortable with peace, more comfortable with stability. Now, the quiz, aliexpress.com slash TPS links. There is a self-sabotaging type quiz. And I’m telling you, I’m looking at this right now. It is so helpful. OK. it’s gonna show you what your self-sabotage type is, it’s gonna ask you questions about how you typically respond to different scenarios, and it’s going to guide you to one of eight results of what kind of self-sabotage you exhibit more than any other, like most likely, and then give you a blog post on what to do about it and resources for how to support you. This is totally free and it is eye opening. I spent so much time creating this for you and so much wisdom from all my experience and like the program that I’m in and everything I’ve read and everything I’m learning because you guys know I’m the type of person that like finds a problem and dives all the way into it. So go snag that. You can find both the blueprint and the quiz at aliexpress.com slash TPS links. So we talked about how creating chaos when there’s peace. is an act of self-sabotage and it comes from subconscious programming. We talked about my personal realization that led to this episode. We talked about understanding the chaos creation cycle and what that might look like and how it presents for different people. We reflected and identified it in our own lives. We talked about strategies to break the cycle and healthy alternatives to chaos creation. I want you to understand like how important it is to recognize and break the cycle of chaos creation. It is the most harmful form of self-sabotage, in my opinion. And I really just want to encourage you guys listening that this is a journey. Progress is going to be gradual, but it is absolutely achievable. Your central nervous system and the people around you will thank you for prioritizing this and learning to get familiar with Peace. If this episode was helpful for you, I feel like this one, like everybody needs to listen to it. Please take a screenshot, share what takeaway was the biggest for you, tag me so I can repost you and see that you’re listening and you found this helpful and I can create more episodes like this and grow my listening to even bigger so that we can do even more episodes and continue to create this amazing show for women. I love you guys so much. Go get the quiz and I will see you at the TPS links.