Something I’m asked often is how to love where you are now instead of constantly waiting for the next season to be happy. I believe that we absolutely can feel content with our lives right now even if we’re waiting for something to happen that just hasn’t happened yet.
Even in that discomfort, in that stretching, we still have so much control over how we choose to think about what is or isn’t happening for us. So, I just want to talk about this with you like a friend. Let’s dive in!
In This Episode Allie Discusses:
Growing through discomfort
How to reframe your thoughts and take action
Mentioned in this Episode:
Courses (Use the code PURPOSESHOW for 10% off!)
Loving What Is by Byron Katie
Hilary Rushford is a friend of mine who has shared many times on her Instagram account about her time being single for so long while deeply desiring a relationship.
Megan Smalley for infertility resources and encouragement
I want to help you cultivate stronger female friendships in your life, so I created two videos and a small workbook with prompts that you can get completely FREE!
Whether you have existing friendships or you want to cultivate new ones, don’t miss this. Having a group of women to do life with changes everything. It’s so important and I want that for you.
Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to. I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days. I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it. Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and I know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hey guys! I’m so happy to be sitting here talking to you today! As I’m recording this, I am in my brand new office space, which if you don’t already know, I rented an apartment/office space. The front room is a faux living room setup to use for recording all the videos that I am recording because I have a ton of new content coming out this next year. I’m starting a second business, a teaching business, and so there will be a lot of courses in creation mode, lots of videos to record. And it was so stressful, for so many unnecessary reasons, having my office be at my home with my kids and everything.
It’s been so good to have this space for recording. I leave my home, I drive across the street, I come into this space and I’m in this mode. I’m here with you guys, for you guys. And then I go back home and I’m there with my family, for my family 100%, and it’s such a nice separation that I didn’t really know I needed.
It’s been really cool and I’m just extra happy today because I’ve got my little candle lit in my office space and I’ve got a hot coffee that I picked up from Starbucks on my way over here. I’m looking outside the window right now at this development they’re working on across the street, the beautiful trees, the mountain view, and I’m feeling sappy and super overwhelmed with gratitude for this space today, for you guys, and for life right now.
I feel like when that happens you need to grab onto it and really speak out what exactly is making you feel that joy, what exactly are you grateful for. Then it’s cemented because you said it and you can hold onto it a little bit longer and then come back to it when things feel a little bit harder.
Anyway, that’s not what today’s episode is all about. I just went on a little emotional rant and it’s fine.
I opened up an opportunity to survey you guys and ask what you wanted to hear about. For this particular poll I asked about February (if you follow me on Instagram, you probably remember this) because it’s the month of love and a lot of podcasters do ‘marriage month’ and ‘relationship month.’ And that’s all good and well. I’ve participated in things like that too and it can be super helpful and life giving, but that’s just not where I’m at in my life right now. And I wasn’t really looking forward to recording a bunch of episodes about marriage. I really wanted to do maybe one about a love relationship—if that—and really talk about other kinds of love, or love in other ways.
So I polled my Instagram audience and I asked them, “What would you want to hear about when it comes to love? Friendship? Loving your kids? Loving your life? Loving your job? What would you guys have me speak about? And I was really surprised, first of all, by how many of you wanted help with friendships and with how to love your friends, so we did do an episode about that. But also this one, this episode today, “Loving Right Now.” This topic came up and it was phrased all different ways, of course, by different people, but this topic came up so much.
My team and I were all really surprised as we were looking through it and making decisions. I just couldn’t believe how many of you would be on that same page and need help loving where you’re at instead of constantly waiting for the next season to come for you to be happy. And I so relate to that. I felt like I needed to journal through some of my thoughts. What do I even have to say about this? How have I loved where I’m at while also seeking my goals? I am such an ambitious person. I’m super goal oriented. I’m always plowing forward and looking for the next thing. It’s not always out of discontent. It’s out of excitement and this inner drive that I have. I’ve shared with you guys about that and the struggles—pros and cons—of having that kind of drive before.
So, how do you love right now? I wanted to just have this conversation with you. And please, know that my main goal here in this episode is to help you feel like you’re talking with a friend. Like you’re not alone. Like it’s okay to feel like you’re dissatisfied with life right now and to go over where these feelings of discontentment come from and how you can love life right now when that thing you’ve been waiting to happen still hasn’t happened, no matter what it is.
So, let’s dive in.
I think that when you’re experiencing something that you don’t want to be experiencing, no matter what that is, it’s uncomfortable. And human beings, we don’t want to be uncomfortable. We always want to hurry through discomfort. This is why one of the highest searched things on Pinterest is a 15-minute workout. There’s a lot to unpack there. It’s not that 15-minute workouts aren’t effective. I love 15-minute workouts. I’m not gonna lie, I rarely go over 30 minutes because I really don’t like working out.
My point is we don’t want to be uncomfortable for long, but we also want all of the effects, the after-effects of pushing through discomfort. And we want them right now. So, basically we’re not great. We’re not doing great here. Because we are intolerant of anything uncomfortable, but being uncomfortable is often what makes you grow. We want the effects of somebody who has gone through growth, who has been stretched, but we don’t want to deal with any of the stretching.
I think that sometimes there’s things that you just need to grow through, they just need to happen, they need to stretch you, but you have so much control even in the uncontrollable. You have so much control over what you’re thinking. You can reframe almost any circumstance and I would encourage you to practice that.
Actually, something that I have made a goal of mine for this year, in 2020, is reframing. I want to get really good at reframing problems. I want to look at a situation, look at something negative and be able to reframe it, look at it in a totally different light, and see the silver lining. I want to get really good at that because I feel like, in life, no matter what you do, no matter if you have kids or not, if you run a business or not, if you’re in the public eye or not, no matter what, reframing is an amazing skill to have. What an important muscle to flex, to know how to see a silver lining, reframe problems, and switch your mindset to a different perspective.
A lot of what I want to say today comes down to what I’m always telling you guys—you have to be an action-taking, problem-solving woman and ask, “What can I do about this circumstance that I’m unhappy with?” Maybe it’ll be a slow going solution, but there are solutions nonetheless. Maybe the only thing you’ll be able to do is switch your mindset and reframe, but that is so powerful.
It’s like when people say, “Well, I guess all we can do is pray,” as if it’s a last resort and doesn’t have a lot of power when actually, prayer is one of the most powerful things—if not the most powerful thing—you can do about a circumstance. It’s funny how we see the powerful things that move the needle forward in ourselves as last ditch efforts.
I’ve thought about this a lot, and I am sure there’s lots of other perspectives. But when I was sitting down with this idea of loving where you’re at when you don’t really want to be there, the way I see it is that there are two types of situations that can bring discontentment to where you’re currently at.
The first one is a temporary situation and the second one is a no-end-in-sight situation. Now this doesn’t mean that it’s not temporary. It doesn’t mean it’s forever. It’s just that you don’t definitely know that it has an end or when that end is coming and there’s not a lot happening right now to bring it to an end, so it feels like there’s no end in sight. So, #1 is temporary and #2 is no-end-in-sight.
An example of a temporary situation would be—and this is a very surface example, but I’m going to use it—I have struggled with hormonal acne most of my life, I mean since high school, but in my adult life it’s gotten even worse. Normally acne clears up when you’re not a teenager anymore. Mine has gotten worse because I had babies and I have polycystic ovary syndrome, which is a hormonal disorder. I’ve gone through all kinds of different things in my life, in my body—becoming a mother, my body going through those changes, postpartum, I have issues with my monthly cycle. And all these things have led to hormonal acne being a very significant struggle in my life.
Side note: please do not send me anything. Please do not send me your face cleaning regimen (you know, that thing that you sell.) Please don’t give me suggestions. It’s not that I’m not open to learning, it’s just that you don’t understand how much of my life I have spent trying every single thing. I know where I’m at. I have realized the unfortunate truth is that it comes down to food. I know where I’m at and I’m not in a place where I need that help. So, if you need that help, we can talk, but please this is not an open invitation to send me anything. Please just let me make my point, okay?
So an example of a temporary situation that you’re unhappy with is, for me, hormonal acne making me feel super insecure.
Recently, because life is life and I’m a human being, I fell off the bandwagon with my really, really clean eating. When I don’t eat super clean most of the time—I mean I can have an occasional cheeseburger or stop at In & Out with my family now and then, have a beer with my husband maybe once a month or whatever. I can have little splurges. But if I do not eat clean 90% of the time and I mean really clean…super, crazy expensive, perfectly clean with everything (which I now really care about that stuff and it’s not a burden for me anymore) I will get serious hormonal cystic breakouts all over my cheeks, chin, and around my mouth if I go too far the other way.
And because, as I said, I’m a human being and life happens for everybody, over the last couple of months, at the time that I’m recording this, I really fell off the bandwagon. Life got busy. I was moving into my new office space, we were rearranging the house, rearranging the kids’ rooms, the business was incredibly busy. I batch my work so that I don’t have to always be working so much. So the way that I’m able to work a few hours a few days a week, is that when I have a lot of work to do, I just get it all done. I just batch it. So, I was batch recording videos. I was recording a bunch of videos every day for a week. I recorded 50-something videos in one fell swoop. It was crazy. (Not that many, but it was definitely around 30 though. It was a lot.)
It took a lot out of me. And in that time, it was fast food, ordering from Postmates, making the best choices that I could, but not clean eating at all. And my skin went insane. I mean really big cystic breakouts, oozing, breaking out all over my face. So embarrassing! And this was a temporary problem that really brought me down.
My face shows up in the world a lot. It’s kinda my job; my face is kind of my job. Brian always jokes that it’s the moneymaker and it’s funny but it’s also kind of true. My face is involved in my business and nobody (even if you’re not on video or on camera a lot) wants to go to lunch with friends and have cystic breakouts all over. And I am a wizard with makeup, but nothing can cover when you are that broken out. You can just tell and it’s awful.
I was feeling super insecure. I was really feeling almost depressed. I was wanting to cancel all my plans. Anyone who’s experienced this will know how it can just totally run your life. And I was in that place. So, an example of a temporary situation would be something like that where you know it’s going to go away, but right now it really sucks and you do not love where you’re at.
An example of a no-end-in-sight situation would be hating your job.
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If you’re going to be on Facebook, spend time in this community. The women there are incredible. There’s such camaraderie. They really love each other, care for each other, help each other, and lift each other up. We have the group carefully admined so that there is no mom-shaming or negativity. We really work hard to cultivate a positive atmosphere.
We talk about the episodes there. I go live there regularly to just hear your opinion, hear your questions about episodes. We do a live Allie chat every month where we pull a member from the group and she and I just sit and talk. I help her brainstorm through any problems she’s having in her motherhood and answer her questions. Kind of a fun live Q&A that you guys can be a part of. And you might win and get to be the girl that’s live with me, which I would love.
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It’s a really, really great space to spend your time on Facebook. I really think it will help contribute to you becoming a better version of yourself. And I’m really proud of that so I’d love to see you over there!
So you’re in that place, you’re in that job, and you hate it. You know that it could be temporary, but oh my gosh, it would take so many steps to get there, and it just feels like there’s no end in sight. I can also relate to that. When Brian worked at his old job, before I started my business, and it was just such misery. But at the same time you want to be grateful for the job and you’re grateful that you have some money, but gosh, the job sucks. It’s so hard and the people there don’t respect you. My husband was gone constantly. It was so hard and there was no end in sight.
So, whether it’s a temporary or a no-end-in-sight situation, you can do something about the problem. And that is where the hope lies.
Sometimes the only thing that you can do is to reframe it, pray about it, change your mindset about it. Other times there is something tangible that you can go and do to change things.
Let’s go back to the two types of situations and dive into this a little bit deeper. Going back to my two examples that I’m going to use: hating your job and the hormonal acne. The hormonal acne, I just want to say I realize how surface that is, but those are the types of things that they are surface and they’re temporary, but they really do a number on you. It’s okay. It’s not silly. I understand.
Please trust me that if you are in that place, I understand how something like that, or an illness that flares up every now and then, or something embarrassing about yourself that shows up every once in awhile, or whatever it is—even if it’s temporary—can just really be debilitating and you feel stupid that it’s debilitating for you. You feel weak like, “Gosh, I’m broken out so bad, like crazy. I’ve never seen anyone else broken out like this. But at the same time, it really is just breakouts. How is this running my life so much?” And you feel weak but you’re not. I just want you to know that I understand.
Let’s dive deeper in those two examples. So, going back to that example of a temporary situation with the hormonal acne making me feel super insecure, wanting to cancel all the plans, and it running my life. This is going to take time to heal. The breakouts are huge, embarrassing, and abnormal. Nowhere near a normal breakout. It’s not something you can cover up with any amount of makeup. It’s awful. And my job is to be on camera in front of millions of people. So it’s debilitating.
Here’s what I can do. I can reframe the situation. Before the reframe, my thoughts go like this: I look like I’m so dirty and I never wash my face and that’s just not true. What are people gonna think about me? This is so humiliating. Everybody’s going to notice. I can’t go on Instagram today because my skin is so broken out. I’m going to have to cancel my plans with my friends on Saturday and I’ve so been looking forward to that, but there’s no way that I am going and sitting on the patio at a restaurant in the sun for brunch when I look like this. There’s no way I can do anything!
Reframing it would look like: Okay, this is normal for me. I’m Allie. I am myself and this happens every now and then. This is a normal reaction to something that I obviously need to be reminded of—that my body not so gently keeps me in check with my eating. This does not need to run my life. This hormonal acne problem only runs my life if I let it. If I give it the reins. I can reschedule video shoots until I feel more confident. I deserve to feel confident when I am creating video content that is free for people. They can wait longer. It’s okay that I do that. I can drink cleansing juices and tons of water to help it heal faster, and take better care of my gut health, which is where the hormone issues stem from, which is what causes the breakouts.
And I can use the opportunity to check in with my health and hormone balance. Why exactly did these breakouts happen? How can I better take care of myself? How have I been off track with my eating and why? What circumstances in my life specifically led me to be too busy to eat clean? What can I do next time I know I’m going to be batching a bunch of work? Maybe I could work with Brian to make a bunch of meals ahead of time, then freeze them, and have a system in place that I don’t batch work and go through a week like this until I am prepared. My body is a little bit high maintenance and, honestly, it needs to be because it keeps me really accountable and I need to make time for that. How can I reframe this? Do you see that? Do you see that reframe?
For an example of a no-end-in-sight situation we’ll roll back to hating your job. This feels hopeless because you know if it does change, if you do get a new job or your job gets better, it’s probably going to take a lot of time and planning. And you’re really unhappy right now. And being really unhappy and really unfulfilled right now makes you tired. Too tired to go through all the steps that you would need to go through to change this situation. And I totally understand it.
So what can you do right now in this situation? Well, you could work with your boss to make changes to make you happier. Maybe you could come up with a one-year plan to get a different job or start your own business.
Side note: I can help you with that.
You can reframe the situation. What specifically about your job do you hate? How can you find the silver lining? How can you make those problems work with you instead of against you? What are the actual practical things, the steps you can take as a working person at your company to make your job better? Legally, can you do anything? Can you talk to anyone? What is it specifically? Don’t just say, “I hate my job. I just feel really negative when I leave there everyday.”
What? Why? How? What’s the cause? What’s the root? What conversations are you having that are making you feel that way? What conversations are not happening that are making you feel that way? What can you do? Go back to that idea of becoming an action-taking, problem-solving woman. What would the most genius version of yourself do? What would the action-taking version of yourself do? What would the problem-solver inside yourself do?
Not what have you done or what have you tried before that hasn’t worked. What would your alter ego—like your Sasha Fierce—what would she do about this situation? I think that when you’re discontented in your job, you’ve got to decide, “What are you going to do to change when that discontent comes up?”
Another example of a no-end-in-sight situation that I’ve heard a lot is, “I don’t like being single.” Okay, well, are you dating? Are you a single mom and you’re using your kids as a block against getting hurt by saying, “I’m just so busy. I don’t have time for dating. I don’t have a sitter. I can’t find time to date because of the kids,” and you’re really putting that shield around yourself so you don’t have to get hurt again? Are you taking care of yourself and learning about yourself so that you feel confident and ready for that lasting healthy relationship that you’re craving?
Another one that came up a lot from you guys when we were doing the survey was, “I don’t like my budget. It’s money. I don’t like my money situation.” Okay, well do you have a spending problem or an income problem? Do you need to bring in more money or do you need to spend less money? Where is the problem at specifically? This is what an action-taking, problem-solving woman does. She dives deeper into the issue.
She doesn’t just call it, “Oh, this is just what it is, oh well.” She gets to the root of it and locates where are the actual pain points? Where are the actual cavities? When you walk into the dentist, you don’t just say my mouth hurts and he’s like, “Okay, time to get a new one.” He finds the actual pain points and fixes just those. Then your entire mouth feels better.
Same with a problem. Don’t just say, “My life sucks. I don’t like money. Money is bad. Money makes me feel like crap. Oh, I don’t like my budget. Oh, I’m single and I’m sick of it. Oh, I hate my job. Oh, my husband sucks.” Where are the specific pain points? Because that is how you can remove that root problem, fill the cavity, and then make yourself, your whole mouth feel better, so to speak.
So, going back to “I don’t like my budget,” that would be one way you can find that root problem. Do you have a spending problem or do you have an income problem? Can you tweak your spending to make things feel a little bit better? Can you get a side job? Can your spouse get a side job? Can you create more income for yourself by starting your own business? Can you monetize your hobby? Is there something that you’re doing as a hobby that you could bring online and monetize it?
Another one that came up a lot was, “I’m not happy with my marriage.” Okay, well first of all, are you safe? If you’re not, get out! Run! Go get help! If you are safe, can you go to therapy? If he won’t come with you, go alone. Get some tools to help you, right where you’re at, right now, because all you can control anyway is yourself. Can you take control and initiate date night? Can you initiate romance? Can you initiate conversations? Can you read some books about how to approach your spouse in a troubled marriage?
There’s a lot of really helpful (not rules, that’s the wrong word) but really helpful tools you can get under your belt. Like when you’re approaching somebody that you’ve just had a bad relationship with not using words like “you always” or “you never” but reframing your speaking. Is there something in you that you can take control of and initiate having a better marriage yourself?
Girl, be a strong woman and take control of your marriage. Take control of you. Yes, maybe he sucks right now. Maybe he is not helping. Maybe he is shut off. Maybe he’s done some things that are really, really hurtful and you just can’t understand how you’re supposed to forgive him, but divorce doesn’t seem right or doesn’t seem like the right choice right now and you just don’t know what to do, and so you’re just stuck in this unhappy marriage. You can only control yourself.
So, what would your Sasha Fierce do? What would the action-taking, problem-solving version of yourself do about this? Go and do those things. Let’s not choose victimhood when it is not really where we belong.
Another thing that came up a lot in the survey, which breaks my heart because I’ve so been there is, “I’m not happy with my body anymore. I’m postpartum and I’m not happy with my body anymore.” Okay, well first of all, when did you have a baby? Was it last week? If so, start dropping grace, because your body needs your gratitude, not you picking it apart. Was it months ago, years ago? What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you learning how to eat intuitively? Do you need to invest in a course about food freedom or body love? Do you need to get a book about that? Where can you find tools and resources? Can you Google it and find some life-giving influencers to help you be more grateful for your body and what it’s done for you?
I think that what a lot of this comes down to, too, is practicing gratitude for the things that are going well. What that would look like is, “I’m not happy with my marriage, but I’m grateful that he’s willing to work on it with me.” Or, “I’m not happy with my marriage, but I’m grateful that I have everything that I need at my fingertips to do my part to make it better.” “I don’t like my job, but I’m grateful that it’s a quick commute. I don’t like my job, but I’m grateful that it provides for my family. I don’t like my job, but I’m glad that I have a good boss.”
Whatever it is for you…“I don’t have enough money, but I’m grateful that money is a tool I can get my hands on pretty easily in this day and age. I don’t have enough money right now, but I’m grateful that I have unlimited resources to create more of it.”
Guys, on this specific note, I have so much to say and I speak about this a lot when I have my business clients talking to me about money. You’ve got to get out of a scarcity mentality. That is only going to get you more scarcity. Lack gets more lack. Abundance gets more abundance. You have to think abundantly before you actually have abundance. That’s just the law of the universe. It’s how our Creator designed the world to function and it seems like it kind of sucks, but it’s actually so beautiful. We rarely even see money anymore these days. It’s all digital. It’s literally just created out of thin air. It’s almost like it barely exists anymore, so it doesn’t need to have a hold on you.
Money is nothing. It’s just a tool. It’s got no power unless you give it to it. Realize that money is everywhere. Look outside where you are right now. If you see other homes, because you’re in your neighborhood, there is money and transactions happening in your neighbor’s homes right now. Outside, I see a shopping center. There are transactions happening left and right constantly across the street from me right now. Money is flowing. In and out. It’s being exchanged in and out, back and forth, all day, every day, everywhere, in trillions. It’s literally unlimited. You just need to step into the flow of money.
So if you don’t have enough money, be grateful that money is just a tool that you can get your hands on pretty easily in this day and age, and there are a lot of ways to do that, especially with the gift of technology and the internet.
Look at my story. Go listen to Episode Six. Get your hands on some more money. Stop thinking limited and start thinking unlimited.
“I don’t like being single, but I’m grateful for time to become more self-aware and learn about who I really am. I don’t like being single, but I am grateful that I have an opportunity right now to become more confident, to be a more confident version of myself to offer someone when a relationship comes my way.”
Look, you can find peace in where you are now while still having a goal to get out of that place. They are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to hate where you are in order to have motivation to make change happen. You don’t have to always be where you love. You don’t have to always be in a fluffy place. That’s just not reality.
You can find peace in discomfort. You can find peace in this uncomfortable circumstance while you’re also using your inner drive to create more motivation to get out to the next season that you so desperately crave while still practicing gratitude and creating peace for yourself, right now in this uncomfortable situation.
You can be happy now and still maintain ambition to make the changes that you want. That is really the message that I want to say to myself for the next time that I’m in a season that I’m not happy with. That’s what I wish I would’ve been able to tell myself back in the day before I started my business, when we were beyond broke. We lost our cars. We lost our homes. We had no money left over. We could barely make it until payday. When we did it was like, “Oh, should we pay our bills or get toothpaste?”
When my husband’s job was such a joy suck. He was so disrespected at work. He was so miserable and unhappy. He was gone 14 hours a day, six days a week. And the only day that we had for family time was spent basically him decompressing and me craving family time. I wish I would’ve had this episode to go back and listen to at that point in time.
Please know that you have more control than you think you do. You can be happy now while still maintaining ambition to make the changes that you want. I want to challenge you in the same challenge I’m giving myself this year in 2020: to become really good at reframing problems.
Friends, I want you to know this episode is loaded with a lot of examples and I mentioned several resources. But I want you to know, I put together a list, and it’s literally just listed on the show notes page for this episode, of a lot of resources that are really helpful.
For example, I referenced my intuitive eating coach, her Instagram and her website. She’s got amazing resources if you’re struggling with body love, binge eating, or you need help with food freedom.
There’s also a book that I recommended for Loving What Is, Loving Right Now Where You’re At. And there’s a couple other things on there.
If you’re struggling with infertility, I linked my favorite resource for that.
Links to another episode I’d love for you to listen to if you’re interested in creating more income, starting a business and you want to listen to our business story.
There’s a lot of good stuff on there. You can find all of those links at the show notes, which is alliecasazza.com/shownotes/141.
This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.
Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.
I am always rooting for you, friend! See ya next time!