Hey business mamas, we’re talking about judgment today and how the fear of judgement can keeps us from stepping into our purposes, why it shouldn’t, and how you can deal with it. Let’s jump in!
In This Episode Allie Discusses:
The fear of judgment
Action steps to deal with judgment
Mentioned in this Episode:
Courses (Use the code PURPOSESHOW for 10% off!)
The Purpose Show Facebook Community
Mindful Loving: 10 Practices for Creating Deeper Connections
Mom life. We’re surrounded by the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. We’re supposed to get through it. Survive. Cling on by the last little thread. And at the same time, Carpe Diem—enjoy every moment because it’s going to go by so fast. The typical mom culture that sends us all kinds of mixed, typically negative messages. We shouldn’t take care of ourselves; it’s selfish. The more ragged you run yourself, the bigger your badge of honor. But also, ditch your mom bod and work out. Don’t yell. Make more money. Show up. Be better, but not at the expense of time with your kids. I am putting a hard stop to all of this. While being a mom, running a business, and whatever else you might have going on is hard, it is a lot and there’s lots of giving of yourself, the idea that motherhood means living a joyless, nonstop-hustle-with-zero-balance kind of life, where you give and give and give and never take, needs to stop.
I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime (at least most days). Stop the mom guilt and shame game. Stop cleaning up after your kids’ childhood and start being present for it. I want to help you thrive in work, home and life. I believe in John 10:10 that we are called to living an abundant life and I know moms are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, some business and life hacks, spirituality and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hey, my friends! Welcome to another episode of The Purpose Show podcast.
We’re going to talk about judgment today.
I’m going to specifically talk about it as it relates to all of you business mamas out there, but this can totally be taken and made whatever you need it to be for whoever you are, for whatever your lifestyle is. So, take this and make it what you want it to be.
We’re going to talk about judgment in business. I think that this is coming out of me in this way specifically for business because in my experience judgment hasn’t come back to me in my personal life in the same way that it has as a business owner.
I think being a personal brand on the internet in this day and age is going to bring judgment back to you because there are strangers on the internet behind their screens casting stones and saying all the things all the time as they please.
But in my personal life, I know people have judged me. I have gotten wind of that in my personal life. I’ve had people tell me right to my face.
We all experience judgment no matter what we do. But nowhere in my life have I been so tested when it comes to others’ judgment than in my business. So, we’re going to talk about it under this light.
Here’s the thing—showing up in front of strangers in your online business is terrifying. Plain and simple. If you are terrified, congratulations, you have a heartbeat and you’re normal.
It is terrifying. Especially after 2020 when everyone was judging everyone for everything and there’s no way to say anything right. That shook a lot of us.
In all of this I always come back to what is true for me and what I feel that I am in integrity in sharing online. And when I make a mistake, which has happened, I apologize and let people know, “Hey, I’m human and I’m learning. Thank you for helping me learn. And thank you in advance for grace, because I need it just like the rest of us.”
But I think that 2020 and all of the call-out culture and the bullying-people-to-be-on-the-same- page-as-you culture that we’ve talked about here on the show before, I think that it rocked a lot of us and freaked a lot of us out.
And just remember—come back to what’s true for you. What do you feel that you are in integrity to share? Who are you? What do you believe? That’s really all any of us can do.
Judgment feels scary because it threatens our root need for safety and acceptance. And the fact is you’re going to be judged no matter what you do, so you might as well do what feels right for you because no one can rightly argue with that. If something feels right for you to do, that’s your prerogative.
First of all, I’ve never understood why anyone cares. It always baffles me when people put energy, especially mothers, into judging. They’re raising the next generation and they take some of the energy they need for that and put it on voicing a very strongly worded opinion about my personal choices. I don’t understand, but it happens.
You’re going to be judged no matter what you do, so you might as well just stand in your own footing, know that you’re aligned and you’re doing what feels like the next right thing for you.
Wherever you get your guidance from. For me, it’s God. And sometimes not because I’m human, I mess up, and I ignore Him sometimes and think, “I’m gonna do it this way. It’s going to be amazing.”
And then shock! It’s not great. And I have to come back to the drawing board. But when I’m in my healthiest place, I am getting guidance from God.
And if you’re doing that, let them judge you. Because guess what? If you did the safest thing, if you made the safest choice, there are different people who are going to judge you anyway.
This has helped me. And it’s not everything. This isn’t going to just take it all away and make it not exist. But it’s helped me to really, really understand that to handle fear we can try to understand why what we fear is happening.
So when we fear judgment and then somebody judges us it makes us feel all different shades of freaked out because the worst thing is happening. The thing we feared is happening.
Let’s look at why people are judging you. Listen, people judge because they’re projecting their shit onto you. The only reason people cast judgment is because everything is literally projected out from within ourselves.
Those of you who message me, “I wish you wouldn’t say these things on your podcast. I wish you wouldn’t talk this way. I wish you talked more like me,” you’re projecting your own insecurity, your own values onto me and expecting me to be like you, which is narrow-minded.
But hey, we’ve all been there and it’s okay. All the grace and love and light for you. But that’s projection. Everything is projection.
It helps you to handle the fear of judgment if you can try to understand what is actually happening. And like I said, this didn’t make it all go away. It didn’t make fear completely stop, but it definitely helped me when I realized that people are casting judgment and that judgment is pure, pure projection from their inner stuff.
I also like to go back to, “What can I do here?” Because being all bent out of shape over what someone else is saying doesn’t really help me at all.
And I’m an action-taking, problem-solving woman. I identify with that. I choose to be that.
And what does she do? What does the action-taking version of me do? What does the problem-solving, tough, grounded, higher version of me do?
She realizes that what she does with the judgment cast on her is her choice. The judgment happening is not her choice. What she does with the judgment is her choice.
And I want to become that version of me in these moments and realize that I’m in control of where the judgment goes and what it does or does not do to me.
So yes, I have pity parties. I have mascara running down my face because I’ve cried a little bit because people said some mean things to me. I have a pity party.
I might eat an Oreo or two or a sleeve or a pack. It’s fine. Actually, it’s not fine, but hey, it’s happened and it is what it is.
And yeah, those things happen. But I take a breath. I savor the Oreos. I stand up. And when I’m clear-headed a little bit, I step into that action-taking version of myself and I send these people so much grace and love and light.
I actually visualize myself doing this, by the way. Looking at the podcast review, looking at the message on Instagram, whatever it is, and seeing that this girl is projecting. I know because we all project all the time.
I do it all the time. Especially in marriage. Marriage is the easiest place to find what you’re projecting.
Projecting meaning taking what is inside of you, spilling it out on someone else, and seeing a fault in them that is actually in you, believe it or not. Look into projection and that everyone is mirror. It’s really interesting.
Also the book Mindful Loving by Dr. Henry Grayson, one of the best books I’ve I read, is all about that.
But I actually visualize sending this person grace. I imagine myself receiving that grace from God and extending that out to this person, sending them a beam from my heart to their comment of love, light, grace, joy, and peace, because I’ve been there.
When you have something bugging you inside yourself, you have some unhappiness inside yourself, you project it onto other people and that’s okay. But that is one thing that has helped me.
I also want to give you a few more practical action steps for dealing with judgment because I’ve quickly become a pro at it. Dealing with judgment, not handling it perfectly, but experiencing judgment for sure.
This is really for those of you who want to start a business but are not because of this fear that you have to have a plan in place. It’s for those of you who are afraid of growth in your business because more growth means more people, which means more judgment. And this is for everyone who is a person because we all face judgment in life.
There are certain things that not a lot of people talk about that are totally clogging your creative flow and making things more complicated than they need to be in your business.
Just like I love to help you guys simplify your home and your lives, I love helping you make business easy.
I know that word is hard for some people to process, but it really can be easy. It can flow. It can be simpler, good, and work around your life.
Because your life shouldn’t be working around your business. Your business needs to be fitting in around your life because we started businesses to have more freedom and to focus more on what matters. And if we’re not careful then it can flip the other way around where we don’t want.
What I’ve got for you guys is a special price on my bundle called Business With Ease.
This bundle includes my most requested business trainings, videos, workbook, and all kinds of good stuff to help you do the inner work along the way in your business to really unblock yourself.
We’re going to uncover and overcome all the different ways that self-sabotage can come in.
Self-sabotage looks like you have a goal in your business and you want to get there, but you just seem to keep not doing it. Or you make things harder for yourself by procrastinating or being perfectionistic.
Self-sabotage has all kinds of different masks that it wears. We’re going to get to the bottom of it for you, specifically in your life and business, and we’re going to get over it so you can really be overcoming that self-sabotage, not letting it creep back in, and you’ll be able to recognize it in the future so it will never have that power over you.
We’re also going to identify and flip any limiting beliefs that are holding you back, because your beliefs form your thoughts which form your actions. Getting to the root of those beliefs is everything in business.
We’re also going to say goodbye to the feast and famine cycle in your business, when you go from feast to famine, feast to famine, month to month. You have a really, really big month in your business and then you’ll have a really, really low or nothing month in your business.
I’m going to show you how to get that revenue consistent all the time without working more.
I’m super good at this. This is how I run my business. I’m really excited about that part.
I’m going to help you make more money by working even less.
I’m going to help you become a content creating machine so you’re never having to sit down at your desk and think, “What should I post today?”
And to back you up and get in between all this good stuff and support you, I’m going to give you my affirmations for business and success.
These are the affirmations I say just about every single morning, sometimes more than once a day if I’m having a rough day.
These are the affirmations that I spoke out loud, over myself, over my business, over my life when I was building my company and was super, super broke and things were really hard.
These are the words and the statements I spoke out that formed new beliefs instead of limiting beliefs and they carried me through to where I am today in my business.
Guys, this bundle is literally loaded. It’s amazing. It’s valued at over $600. It’s $99 for you right now, but you’ve got to go to alliecasazza.com/bizwithease to snag it.
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*Note: The special offer on Business With Ease has ended. The regular price for this product is $197.
The first action step that I want you to take is to get internal. Check in with how you feel about what you’re being judged for.
When this comment comes in or this thing is said to you or whatever it is, is there anything that you admit you did wrong? That felt unaligned?
You kind of hate it. It wasn’t cool. And it is something that you believe—not this other person— but you believe you need to go back on.
This isn’t apologizing because the internet bullies told you that you should apologize. Do you really feel like you have something that you should go back on, that you need to apologize for, or do you stand by what happened?
Check in with how you feel, how you feel going back inside yourself. Forget about the comment. Forget about the other person and just check in with yourself.
Second action step is to ask for guidance. Guys, get still. Pray. Meditate. Talk to God. Whatever. Before you respond or do anything, do this.
Before you respond, before you do anything, do these things. Get internal. Ask for guidance.
Ask yourself: What do I need to learn from this? What do I need to do here? Should I respond? Is no response the best response here? And ask for help.
The next action step is to take action if needed. Make it right. Be humble. But be confident.
Speak your truth. Apologize. Whatever fits the situation, do the thing that you feel is right, so that you can move on. Get it off your chest, know that you did the thing, and you were an action-taking, problem-solving woman, and now it’s over.
The next thing is to find the lesson in the experience. Why did this happen? What did you need to learn through this happening?
I’ve really come to believe and come to learn through experience that we are here for multiple reasons, but one of them is to learn lessons that serve our highest good and help us make things better, help us be better, and spread more abundance, joy, and love.
For me, a huge piece of the Kingdom of God is purpose and learning lessons. So, if everything is a lesson, what was the lesson here?
Did you learn the lesson of no response being the best response? Did you learn that other people’s judgment is affecting you less and less and you can see that the inner work you’ve been doing is working?
Did you learn that you have implicit bias and you need to do some inner work on yourself and not talk the way you used to talk? Out of the heart, the mouth speaks, so is there some heart work you need to do?
Does the way you’ve been speaking and assuming need some work? What is it? What is the lesson?
That’s the action step—Find the lesson in the experience.
The next action step is to get grateful. Express gratitude for this experience. Speak it until you feel it.
Say, “Thank you for projecting this onto me. Thank you for showing me your true colors. Thank you for calling me out on this. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to learn a lesson. We’re all connected. We are all here to do a lot of good things, and you just helped me learn a lesson. I see you. I hear you. Thank you.”
If it’s better to just not respond, which is often the case, you don’t even have to talk to this person. Look at the comment and say this to them. Send them that gratitude, that love, light, and grace, and get super grateful for them.
The last action step is to release the experience.
It does no good, and it actually does physical harm in so many cases, to hold on to what has already happened. There is no need to hold onto it. There is no need to hold on to what has already served you.
This judgment serves you because it gave you a lesson. It showed you someone’s true colors. It gave you an opportunity of some kind. There’s no need to hold onto it.
There’s no need to play it over and over in your head or beat yourself up. Release the experience.
My personal favorite way to do this is to actually say, “I now release this experience,” and to take a deep inhale, hold it at the top for about four seconds, and then exhale like a sigh, and actually imagine that with my exhale it is gone.
Let it go. Release the experience.
And with those action steps, I want to leave you with this. Please hear me, women with a dream inside of them who are letting fear win. Listen, I’m talking to you and you know who you are.
It is better to show up in this world, to do what you were made to do, to live out a legacy, than to give into fear and do nothing for fear of something as small and insignificant as judgment.
I want you to really understand that. Hit the rewind button. Please understand that. I wrote that sentence in my notes, bolded it, underlined it, highlighted it, circled it, drew arrows all around it and stars all around it.
Please show up. Please don’t make yourself miserable not giving into the idea that you have in your heart, that won’t leave you alone, that you know you need to do but you are not.
Because judgment is so fleeting, fricking stupid, and temporary. And so often baseless.
We’re all here to learn lessons. If somebody judges you and you learn a hard lesson from it, good! You’re alive.
If somebody judges you and it’s just their projection, this is the human experience. It’s nothing. It’s nothing! You’re assigning so much meaning to it, giving it so much weight. And it doesn’t deserve that.
Your business deserves that. Your message deserves that. The reason you’re here and breathing deserves that.
Not fear of something as small and insignificant as judgment from other humans who are just projecting their own inner shit and don’t know any better anyway.
Please show up. Please do what you were made to do. Focus on your legacy.
You’re allowed to make mistakes, despite the cancel culture and 2020 and the internet bullies who think that they’re making the world a better place but are actually bullying everybody into fake submission.
Stand for what’s right. Be a person of integrity. Always be learning. Always be open to apologizing. Always be ready to learn.
Always be ready to question what you believe and ask, “Where do I need to grow here? What do I need to learn here? What is this teaching me? This message that people are sending me? Is there something that I need to learn from it?”
2020 was all about that. It’s beautiful. It’s necessary. It’s growth. It’s stretching. And it’s so good.
But please don’t let this whole internet game, this dark evil game people have been playing of judging people and throwing stones keep you from your purpose.
And that kind of stuff happens when you lack purpose in yourself, you throw stones at those who are stepping into their purpose. That is what I mean by projection.
Keep going, or just get started if you haven’t. Show up. Please. Leave a legacy. Don’t give into fear and do nothing because you’re afraid of something as small and insignificant as the judgment from other humans.
Thanks so much for hanging out with me! In case you didn’t know, there’s actually an exclusive community that’s been created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions around The Purpose Show episodes. It’s designed to get you to actually take action and make the positive changes that we talk about here. I want you to go and be a part of it. To do that, go to alliecasazza.com/facebookgroup.
Thank you so much for tuning in! If you’d like to learn more about me, how I can help you, how you can implement all these things and more into your life to make it simpler, better, and more abundant, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, online courses, programs, and other resources to help you create the life you really want.
I am always rooting for you, friend! See you next time! I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.