Today I’m giving you a quick, intentional episode that will inspire you to stop doing three specific things and radically change your life. Let’s dive in!
In this episode, Allie discusses:
- Negative talk
- Violating boundaries
- Taking in things that don’t match how you feel
Mentioned in this Episode:
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DECLUTTER LIKE A MOTHER
Discover Allie Casazza’s powerful and proven method for clearing the clutter in your mind by first clearing the clutter in your home, the place where transformation begins.
Mom life. We’re surrounded by the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. We’re supposed to get through it. Survive. Cling on by the last little thread. And at the same time, Carpe Diem—enjoy every moment because it’s going to go by so fast. The typical mom culture that sends us all kinds of mixed, typically negative messages. We shouldn’t take care of ourselves; it’s selfish. The more ragged you run yourself, the bigger your badge of honor. But also, ditch your mom bod and work out. Don’t yell. Make more money. Show up. Be better, but not at the expense of time with your kids. I am putting a hard stop to all of this. While being a mom, running a business, and whatever else you might have going on is hard, it is a lot and there’s lots of giving of yourself, the idea that motherhood means living a joyless, nonstop-hustle-with-zero-balance kind of life, where you give and give and give and never take, needs to stop.
I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime (at least most days). Stop the mom guilt and shame game. Stop cleaning up after your kids’ childhood and start being present for it. I want to help you thrive in work, home and life. I believe in John 10:10 that we are called to living an abundant life and I know moms are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, some business and life hacks, spirituality and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hi, love! Welcome to The Purpose Show podcast. We’re going to dive right in today. My intention for this episode is for it to be quick, and something that you can come back to and relisten to any time that you feel like you need this perspective shift.
This is something that I have worked on so much in my own personal life. It’s something that Brian and I have talked about together quite a bit. We’ve been keeping each other accountable with this and seeking to really up-level our own thoughts, perceptions, the way we see the world, and the way that we speak about ourselves, each other, and others.
It’s something that we’ve been working on a lot and it’s been super helpful to have each other in that because now anytime one of us starts to slip into the negative in any way, shape, or form, the other will notice and we can lift each other up. We’ve decided to be willing to receive that accountability from each other.
It’s been really, really cool. It’s brought some incredible growth to us as people and that’s definitely spilled over into our whole family with the kids, and even people around us who are close to us.
So, that’s what I want to talk about today. If you want to absolutely, radically change your life, stop doing these three things I’m going to talk about.
The content in this episode are things that I’ve been working on for years. But I’ve been getting hyper aware of and super strict on them for the last year and a half along with Brian.
What’s really neat is that as I’ve done these things, as I’ve removed these low-vibe, not good things from my life, I’ve noticed that things that are good are gravitating toward me. We are created to be magnets. What we focus on expands.
If you’re negative, then you’re going to get more negative things. You’re going to find that things tend to never go your way, that things are never really working out.
Who knows somebody like this or is somebody like this? They’re always complaining and then there’s always more to complain about because of that. Most of the time people don’t relate the two. They don’t see that because they’re always complaining, there’s always something to complain about.
They just view it as, “See? I was right.” Of course you were right. You’re always going to be right. You’re a magnet, so if you are focusing on the negative then that’s what you’re gonna get more of.
I’ve found that as I’ve shifted into a higher level of living, really living at this higher frequency, living in a place where I’m seeing the good, I’m choosing to see a different perspective. I’m choosing my perception, because everything is underneath the mask of our own perceptions. And so, if that’s the case, then I can choose what that perception is.
And it’s not about having these Pollyanna, perfect, happy-go-lucky, rose-colored-love-goggles on, where you’re not seeing anything as factual. It’s not that at all. It’s just choosing to be the good. It’s choosing to live at a higher level and not participate in low-level activities, which we are going to talk about in this episode.
As I’ve shifted these three things out of my life, I am beginning to notice more positive things coming into my existence. I have drawn into my life some of the most beautiful women in the last six months to a year. Friendships are something that I’ve been working on. I’ve been wanting to open up to new ones as a lot of my friends have moved out of state, or we’ve just evolved out of each other, which totally happens and is normal and fine.
It’s been something that I’ve been wanting to work on. And I’ve been able to meet and receive some amazing new women into my life. I have these close, close friendships that I feel comfortable with. I feel safe with.
These women are also wanting to live at a higher level and are also wanting to be positive. They’re wanting to make a positive difference in the world and not participate in low-level activities.
If you take ownership of this part of your life. If you stop playing the low-vibe game and you level up, you’ll start to find that everything in your life shifts. The people that are drawn to you, the people, things, and situations that come into your life just get lighter.Because, again, you are a magnet and you get what you are. That’s really, really powerful.
Basically, change the things that you’re doing, change the way that you’re living, and you’ll change your entire life. These are some things that are just really low-level, bottom-feeding behaviors that, if we up-level out of doing those things, will completely and radically change our lives.
So there are three things. The first one is negative talk. There are two subcategories of negative talk that I want to dive into here.
The first one is gossiping. We have all gossiped, myself included. But for me, gossiping is something that I’ve had a really hard time with my entire life because I was a victim of it for so long as a young person.
In junior high, gossip affected me so badly. The girls at my school were so unkind. There were so many nasty things said about me, some true and some not true.
Some precious secrets that I thought I had shared in confidence with good friends were shared with the whole school. Some things were made up. People were so cruel.
I ended up developing an extreme form of anxiety. I got really sick. It started to affect my body in really crazy ways.
My parents decided to pull me from the school and homeschool me in 8th grade. Then I went back to the school in high school and things just didn’t really get any better. It was terrible.
So I’ve always had this hyperawareness of gossip, but I for sure have still partaken in it and struggled with it. But here’s the thing about gossiping: It is absolutely possible to not gossip. It is such a lame excuse to say, “I try, but it just doesn’t work out; Everyone else is doing it; I don’t realize that I’m partaking in it until it’s too late.”
I’ve heard people say that to me before. Or, “I just don’t know how to not gossip. It’s just a part of my family.”
I’ve heard people say that it’s how they connect with their mom or a specific friend. And here’s the thing: We often gossip in an attempt to connect with others. Most of the time when I am out to eat and I can hear the table next to me, they are gossiping.
Unfortunately, it is almost always a group of women sharing food and drinks and talking badly about another woman. Just last week, I went to my favorite rooftop restaurant in San Diego. I was sitting with Brian and the kids enjoying tacos.
The table behind me was a group of three or four women. They were putting down another woman that wasn’t there to even defend herself. They were talking about her life choices, about her partner, about her job, about the words that she says, about her Instagram, just pulling her down.
And unfortunately, this is so common. I’m sure everybody listening has experienced this. Either you’ve been at that table with women like that, or you’ve overheard something like this, or both.
When I was in the church, this was happening a lot there too. And it was awful. It’s an extra layer of awful when it’s masked in, “Oh, well, let’s just pray for her.”
I’ve heard it all. It’s so, so awful and so difficult no matter where it’s happening. But it absolutely can be stopped.
If we’re using gossip to connect with other people, then let’s find a new way to connect. Let’s not be the kind of person that’s in such a low-level place that we’re attracting other people and friends to us that need to gossip and pull somebody else down in order to connect with us.
Let’s not be the kind of people that need to gossip about somebody else in order to connect with the person that we’re having lunch with or hanging out with. Gossiping is literally the lowest form of human communication. Like I said earlier, it is bottom-feeding behavior and you’re not a bottom-feeder.
Let’s rise up. Let’s rise higher. There’s a quote that says something like, “A rising tide lifts all boats.” Let’s be that rising tide. Let’s lift everybody up.
Again, this is not meant to seem like Pollyanna, happy-go-lucky, perfect, everything’s unicorns and butterflies. But it would be a little bit more like that if you focus on the unicorns and butterflies in life.
It’s not about changing the circle that you’re in to stop gossiping, maybe it is and that’s what you want to do, but I don’t even want to be in the circle that would gossip. The women that I am friends with right now, that live where I live, that I hang out with, they do not gossip. It wouldn’t even come up in our conversation to gossip about someone else.
We rarely even talk about anyone else. But the couple of times that are coming to my mind right now when these women have brought up another woman is to talk about how inspiring she is to them.
One of my good friends has hired a coach to help her grow her business and manage her life at the same time. She’s constantly talking about this woman and how incredible she is. She’s so successful and grounded, she’s so encouraging and she’s helped her so much. She brings her up to shine a light, not pull her down, not cast a shadow, not cast blame, not shame another woman.
It’s all too easy. Even just the way we use our words about each other like, “Oh my God, I would never wear a skirt that short,” and things like that. Like leave her alone. What is it to you?
Why do we have to connect with others through bringing someone else down? Women, this is a patriarchal pattern that has to be put to an end and it’s got to be put to an end by us. Gossip, bottom-feeding behavior, let’s stop. Let’s find a new way to connect with others.
And if we cannot, maybe it’s God’s way of telling us to stop trying to connect with the people that we’re gossiping with, because they may not be worth having in our life. This is how I see it: I want to be the kind of person in a group of people that shuts gossip down, or just stops participating. What I found really helpful is just to say something like, “It must be really hard to be in her shoes.”
This actually happened recently. I was in an online conversation where the women that were gathered there brought up another very well-known, high powered person of influence. And to be honest, I don’t personally agree with a lot of the things that this person has said and done.
I think there’s been a lot of damage done. I think it’s really toxic and I don’t think it’s good. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to just go and put her down in gossip.
Listen, if you don’t gossip about a person that other people are gossiping about, it doesn’t mean that you agree with everything that person says or everything that they do. It just means that you are not a bottom-feeder.
This bottom-feeding behavior, it’s gross. It’s so low-vibe. It’s so low-level. I don’t want to do it.
So, I’m in this online room and I’m already bummed out because I was hoping to find a new online community that I could really share my business with, share my growth with, and go to the next level with, and it just ended up not being the case. They were talking about this other woman in such a hateful, awful, shaming way.
It went on for several minutes and I could feel my own energy dipping. I was anxious. I was tense. It made me feel a lot of things that weren’t good.
I already had decided then and there that I wasn’t going to come back to this group. I’m not going to be a part of this. But there was a lull in the conversation so I said, “It must be really hard to be in her shoes. I can’t imagine how she’s feeling today. Hopefully she learns what she needs to learn. But man, this just sucks for everyone.”
I don’t know if that helps to give you something to say, but I think just shutting it down and having empathy for the person is helpful. If it’s somebody who’s done something wrong, that’s still no excuse to gossip.
There’s something you can say, that’s a fact that’s based in empathy. I feel like it’s the day that I’m pulling out random quotes, but there’s a quote that says something like, “There’s not a single person in the world that you would hate if you knew their story.”
Even if someone has done something wrong, even if someone is really just not helping the world, it doesn’t mean that we can talk awful about them. You make mistakes. We all make mistakes.
It’s really not our place to be criticizing, judging, and getting in a room of women and instead of lifting each other up, talking about motherhood, and our businesses, we are gossiping about another person.
I think this is especially prominent in people who have clout. When somebody who has clout and is super successful fails, all the vultures come out and everybody becomes a vulture. And again, it’s that whole theme of being a bottom feeder.
You’re just there to feast on what is left of the person and make sure they’re really, really done and they feel really bad. It’s like these people that are so successful, have all this clout, and have these eyes on them are not people anymore.
Gossiping is not just talking to one neighbor about another neighbor. It is talking about celebrities, because they’re people. It’s talking about anyone and everyone. And it’s not good.
If you stop that low-level behavior, your life will change. You will not be seeping negativity out of your mouth or taking it in from other people. And that is going to make a difference in your life for sure.
Oh my gosh, loves! I am so happy to make this announcement! Declutter Like A Mother, my very first traditionally published book is officially out! Not available for pre-orders. Out! Released! Ready! You can go to Target right now and get the book. You can go to Barnes & Noble and get the book. You can order it on Amazon Prime and it will get to your door in a day or two.
This is it! I wrote a book! I’m so happy!
This book is so much more than decluttering your home. This is about elevating your environment because as one of my favorite people and authors Marshall Goldsmith says, “If you do not create and control your environment, your environment creates and controls you.”
Changing your environment is leveling up in life. It is so hard to eat in a way that feels healthy and good to your body, make healthy choices, elevate into more money and revenue in your business, elevate into healthier relationships and communication with your partners and your children, elevate into anything that is high-vibe and helpful when your environment is not matching that. Our environment affects us so much!
I’ve been learning that so much recently as I was moving across the country and staying in cramped hotel rooms and tiny little Airbnbs. I realized even more—even though I already knew—even more how much the environment that we are in affects us so, so deeply. It affects everything we do.
When you elevate your environment, you are elevating yourself. You’re elevating your entire family. And when you act out of that elevated place, that spreads.
It’s not small. It changes the world, right? We’ve seen that through what has been created in the alliecasazza.com corner of the internet, right? And this ripple effect of women elevating their environment, elevating themselves, elevating out of hot-mess-mom culture into a better way of doing life.
This book has heart. It has humor. It’s real. It’s raw. I’m so proud of it.
It also gets super, super practical for you because you know that’s what I’m all about—taking action, actually what you’re supposed to do to get that environment elevated, to get this different lifestyle.
It doesn’t have to be about minimalism. It doesn’t have to be about having less for the sake of less. It doesn’t have to be about not shopping ever again or hating your life because you just don’t want to clean up all the time.
It’s about harmony. It’s about having that harmony in your space, in your life, to where your home is not working against you, it’s working with you, because that was its intent all along.
You can go and get Declutter Like A Mother wherever you buy books. If you go to Target, please take a picture, take a selfie and tag me. I want to see it. It makes me so happy that it’s going to be there after all this time. That was my biggest goal. I was initially told no and then they came back and said yes. And it’s there! I can’t friggin’ wait to see you guys next to my book!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support! Go get your physical copy of Declutter Like A Mother out now!
The second part of negative talk that I wanted to bring up is negative self-talk. The tricky thing about negative self-talk is that it’s just as toxic as gossip, but it can almost go unnoticed. It’s almost learned and subconscious a lot of the time. You’ve got to start being aware, which is really hard, especially if you’re a busy mom.
Negative self-talk can be literally anything. This is a silly example, but it happened this morning so I’m going to share it to show how silly this can be (but it can also get really, really deep and serious).
This morning, my assistant said something about a book she had read, and I thought, “Oh, you just told me like last week that you read a different book. Wow, you’re reading a lot. I don’t read enough. I have all these books and all these audiobooks in my Audible account and I just don’t read them enough.”
I immediately went into negative self-talk like, “I’m dumb. I’m unproductive. I don’t read enough. That’s something that I should be doing. I should be learning more.”
And I had to stop myself and literally say, “Whoa, whoa, this person who does not have kids and is single is telling me about a book she read and I’m shaming myself for not reading enough?”
Even if I was also single and had no kids, it would be completely fine. But that’s not my situation. I have four kids and I’m about to adopt another one.
I’m running a company, keeping up relationships, friendships, a marriage, health for myself and working on my wellness journey, and I’m not reading enough? Really? I had to stop it. It’s ridiculous.
Here’s another example of how negative self-talk can come in and be more serious. This is a personal one for me—taking my makeup off at the end of the day. I used to dread it because I have to look at myself in the mirror and see all my redness, all my scarring and acne, and just hate myself. I’d have this reel of negative self-talk going on.
When we have this negative self-talk going on, we are basically doing the same thing that gossiping does, but to our own selves. Gossiping also hurts your own self. You know, when we gossip, it doesn’t really do anything to the other person all the time, especially if it is a celebrity. But it doesn’t help.
And it can certainly bring harm to another person. But you’re really just pouring poison down your own throat because the toxic energy that comes from negative words, it’s real. It is real.
This is why if you speak negatively to a plant it will die. If you speak positively to a plant, it will bloom. It will live. It will grow new leaves. It will flourish.
This is also why when they did the Words Test on water and the way water molecules formed when they froze, the negative words versus the positive words were so drastically different. There has also been an experiment done like this with rice. With negative talk, the rice got moldy and with the positive talk, the rice did not.
How many more experiments do we need to understand that words are powerful? Words are energy and that energy can be good or bad. And it affects us.
Negative talk is just as bad, if not worse, because you’re literally doing it to yourself. It’s so internal and it’s so secret. When something negative comes out of you, but it stays inside of you at the same time, and nobody really knows, no one can say, “Don’t say that to yourself.”
Because you’re just thinking it, it’s just this toxin that’s hiding and lurking in the darkness, growing this secret monster that eventually can get so big and so overwhelming that it’s hard to take it down.
If you were to stop negative talk, if you were to stop gossiping about others, if you were to stop talking negatively about others, if you were to stop talking and thinking negatively about yourself, just see how much your life changes.
The second thing you need to stop doing to radically change your life is: stop violating your own boundaries. What this looks like is giving and giving and giving to someone who is not giving back at all. You feel bad about setting boundaries, but giving so much of yourself builds so much resentment.
This is the same thing as negative energy making you sick, making plants die, making rice mold, making water molecules form into different shapes. It’s the same thing but with people. With you.
When you violate your own boundaries, you don’t honor your own needs. You don’t honor your own boundaries and you just give and give and give and you’re forming so much resentment. And not only that, but you’re betraying yourself because you know what you need.
You know that it’s too much. You know that enough’s enough and you need a break and you’re not allowing yourself to have that. You’re not listening to yourself. So, you’re continuing to give and continuing to say yes when what you really know that you need is to say no.
That is self-betrayal. That’s violating your own boundaries. That is so toxic.
It’s so negative. It’s so not helping you live an abundant life. It’s so not lifting you up.
When you live in that place, you have no energy. You’re in a bad mood around the people that you’re closest to and then you’re faking it for everyone else, which doesn’t feel good because you know you’re faking it and you end up hating yourself.
I’ve been there. Brian’s been there. We’ve talked about this a lot for both of us.
The opposite of this would be to start drawing the line in the sand. Calling out and labeling what your boundaries are and then honoring them. Honor them around other people. Start to say no. Let your no be no and that’s it.
Start to notice how things shift, how much more energy you have, how much of a better mom you are, how much happier you are. Stop violating your own boundaries.
Number three is stop taking in things that don’t match how you want to feel. This could be applied to anything and everything. This is the biggest one, I think. Because this could go for gossip and negative talk.
It could go for boundaries. It can go for everything. This is the ultimate.
Stop taking in things that don’t match how you want to feel. What that means is: when we take in things that don’t match how we want to feel, it means that we are going to be matching how those things feel instead.
You know how I talk a lot about not being reactive in life, but being proactive? Taking ownership of your mindset. Taking ownership of your thoughts, ownership of your home, your space, your stuff, your life and all of it? This is kind of like that.
Instead of being reactive and just taking in whatever—any show, any food, any words, any content on the internet or on the television, that’s being reactive—what you’re doing is you’re really giving up your power.
You’re deciding to just take in whatever content. Take in whatever food. Take in whatever words. Take in whatever content in any shape or form—your phone, a book, your laptop, TV—and you’re basically just allowing anything to decide how you’re going to feel. Because what you take in becomes you, versus if you know how you want to feel.
For example, I know that I want to feel energized. I want to feel at peace. I want to feel joyful.
I want to feel centered. I want to feel confident. I want to feel grounded.
Watching a reality show where the women are just slapping each other, gossiping about each other, verbally abusing each other, sometimes physically abusing each other, disrespecting each other, is that going to make me feel those things? No. That’s not going to match the vibe I want to be in. It’s going to affect me.
If I didn’t turn on that show, but I still wanted to watch TV, watching something that makes me laugh, something that brings me peace, watching something that makes me a better person, or turning the TV off and listening to an uplifting podcast, reading a book, taking a walk, moving my body, doing yoga—that’s something that matches how I want to feel.
This is the magic rule of life. Do things, eat things, and take in things that match how you want to feel and you’ll live a beautiful life. You’ll be happy with yourself and how things are going because you’re intentionally aligning what you’re doing, what you’re taking in, what you’re seeing and hearing with how you want to feel.
You’re in control. You’re in control of what’s on the TV. You’re in control of what’s on your social media.
You’re in control of how long you scroll. You’re in control of what’s in your ears. You’re in control of all of it.
But when we pretend that we’re victims and we just veg out in front of a crappy show that’s super low-vibe, stressful, and not conducive to being an abundant woman who knows who she is, loves herself, and is taking ownership of her day, her mood, and her attitude, and we’re upset that we’re weirdly in a bad mood that day, well it’s probably because we fell asleep to something terrible.
It puts you in a bad mood. Things affect you. You’re a living, breathing, human being and things are going to affect you.
Be careful who you hang out with. Be careful what you listen to. Be careful what you watch. Be careful what you read.
Be careful who you follow on social media. You could use social media to bring you down and make your life way harder, or you could use social media as a self-growth machine. My social media is set up to be a self-growth machine for me.
It challenges me. It inspires me. It puts me in a better mood. It helps me be a better leader because of who I follow and how I treat the algorithm to curate the right posts for me.
It helps my social media accounts. I really only log in to Instagram. My Instagram account is set up to give me the most uplifting quotes. To teach me about neuroscience, which I’m super into, so I follow people like Dr. Carolyn Leaf, the holistic psychologist.
It’s also set up to teach me about social justice issues like racism and white privilege. I have it set up for me to be learning, growing, and stepping outside of my own box constantly. You can do the same thing.
You’re in control. What goes in, comes out. Choose wisely.
If you stop doing these three things your life would radically change. I know this from experience. Once again, the three things to stop doing are: negative talk, violating your own boundaries, and taking in things that don’t match how you want to feel.
Now, I want to hear from you. I want this to be like one of the conversations that Brian and I would have with each other. I want to hear from you.
What are you going to stop? What are you deciding to give up?
Get yourself accountable. Take a screenshot of this episode, post it on Instagram, tag me @allie_thatsme and tell me.
How did this inspire you? What have you decided to stop? Let this be your accountability. Put it on your story.
Let people that follow you see. Let your friends, your neighbors, your business followers, whoever is following you, see that you’re taking life by the horns and you’re in charge, and you’re acting like it.
You’re going to stop doing these negative things. You’re not going to act like a bottom-feeder anymore. You’re going to rise higher and watch your life shift in a positive way.
I can’t wait to see what you’re deciding to give up. I can’t wait to see what your big takeaways were.
I love you so much. You’re doing a phenomenal job. Let us all together be that rising tide that lifts all boats.
Thanks so much for hanging out with me! In case you didn’t know, there’s actually an exclusive community that’s been created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions around The Purpose Show episodes. It’s designed to get you to actually take action and make the positive changes that we talk about here. I want you to go and be a part of it. To do that, go to alliecasazza.com/facebookgroup.
Thank you so much for tuning in! If you’d like to learn more about me, how I can help you, how you can implement all these things and more into your life to make it simpler, better, and more abundant, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, online courses, programs, and other resources to help you create the life you really want.
I am always rooting for you, friend! See you next time! I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hey mama! Just a quick note, this post may contain affiliate links.