Today I’m giving you a short, impactful episode on how to use jealousy to be a better version of yourself. I’ve basically learned how to use jealousy as a secret superpower and I hope to teach you to do the same. Let’s jump in!
In this episode, Allie discusses:
- Keying into signals of your mind
Mentioned in this Episode:
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DECLUTTER LIKE A MOTHER
Discover Allie Casazza’s powerful and proven method for clearing the clutter in your mind by first clearing the clutter in your home, the place where transformation begins.
Mom life. We’re surrounded by the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. We’re supposed to get through it. Survive. Cling on by the last little thread. And at the same time, Carpe Diem—enjoy every moment because it’s going to go by so fast. The typical mom culture that sends us all kinds of mixed, typically negative messages. We shouldn’t take care of ourselves; it’s selfish. The more ragged you run yourself, the bigger your badge of honor. But also, ditch your mom bod and work out. Don’t yell. Make more money. Show up. Be better, but not at the expense of time with your kids. I am putting a hard stop to all of this. While being a mom, running a business, and whatever else you might have going on is hard, it is a lot and there’s lots of giving of yourself, the idea that motherhood means living a joyless, nonstop-hustle-with-zero-balance kind of life, where you give and give and give and never take, needs to stop.
I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime (at least most days). Stop the mom guilt and shame game. Stop cleaning up after your kids’ childhood and start being present for it. I want to help you thrive in work, home and life. I believe in John 10:10 that we are called to living an abundant life and I know moms are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, some business and life hacks, spirituality and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hi friend! Welcome to The Purpose Show podcast. Thanks for hanging out with me today. I love being a part of your day.
This is going to be a good one. This is something that I have learned in my own personal life and really worked on becoming an expert at honestly.
Jealousy is a part of life. It’s actually a big part of my personality type. However, I have learned how to use it to get what I want, to move forward, to grow into a better version of myself, to become a happier person.
I’ve learned to use jealousy as one of the biggest key ways for me to do that deep inner work that really gets all the yuck out and helps you align yourself with who you really want to be, where you really want to go, and shows you a piece of the vision for your life that might be missing.
What I mean by that is you know how I’m always saying that you have to have vision? You have to have a vision for where you want to go, otherwise you’re just going to flail around aimlessly and end up somewhere by accident rather than exactly where you want to go on purpose.
There’s a proverb that says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” If you don’t know where you’re headed, you’re not going to make it.
This is often a huge piece that mom life takes away from women because they let it. It’s this societal conditioning where moms are not taking care of themselves, not thinking about themselves, not looking ahead, they’re just reacting.
We want to get out of reactive mode in motherhood and into proactive mode. It doesn’t mean that shit doesn’t hit the fan sometimes. It doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It just means that you have a clear vision of where you want to go, where you want to go as a person, where you want to go with your family, how you want your family to end up when all is said and done and it’s your time to move on from this world.
Knowing where you want to go will help you make decisions today. That is clarity. That is peace. And that is the goal.
That’s a huge, huge piece of the work that I do in my programs, specifically Unburdened. And I will link to that in show notes if you guys would like to join us in that program. It’s amazing.
Having said that, I’ve figured out that when I feel jealous of another person, it is usually a key indicator that something is missing from my ultimate vision for my life. I feel like I can’t have something or it helps me notice.
Jealousy is just a signal. It’s just a message from my body, my mind, that, hey, this is something that is missing. This is something that you want, but isn’t in your current plan or you feel like you can’t have. It could be a sign of a limiting belief or an old story that you’ve been telling yourself or that was given to you as a child that is no longer serving you.
Whatever it is, jealousy is always a helpful indicator that we can either let it sit, fester, and rot like a cavity, or we can use it to grow us into better people.
And that’s what I’ve become really, really good at. That’s what I want to share with you today.
Let’s pretend you’re scrolling through social media, you see a picture of someone you follow and you have feelings of contempt, feelings of jealousy, or whatever form it takes.
If you get down to it, you stop, and you are aware of how you’re feeling, you notice your thoughts and you figure out that the root of it is just that you are really jealous, this is good. This is good news. It’s good news to be jealous because, again, it is just a signal.
I think we think of jealousy as this dark evil thing, like, “I’m jealous of her and I don’t want to be jealous. I’ve got to turn it off. What’s wrong with me?”
It’s just a signal, but if we don’t pay attention to it, we can’t do anything about it, we can’t fix it and get better.
When you have feelings of jealousy, it is showing you something that you desire to have, but don’t believe you can. More often than not, that’s the case.
I found that sometimes it’s not actually that way. It’s that it’s a signal that there’s something that I don’t have that I want to have, and I actually believe that I can have it, but just didn’t think of it before I saw this picture of this woman doing this thing or having this thing in her business.
This is an amazing example. One time, years ago, I saw this woman that I followed online. She had a bunch of kids. She had five kids and had just adopted her sixth. She adopted this child from the foster care system, she was sharing about it and I felt contempt. I felt jealousy. And I was like, whoa, what the heck? Why would I feel this way? That was me diving into that, noticing that, figuring out okay, why is this here? Where is this coming from? What’s the signal? What’s going on?
I had always, always, always wanted to adopt and before we couldn’t because of finances, but at this point in time, we totally could.
But I had this story that I’ve already got four kids. I’ve got this business and it would be really hard. We’re really busy. I can’t adopt. And so I told myself subconsciously – totally, totally subconsciously – that I could not have this thing that I wanted. I had put it deep down, buried it deep down, and put it out of my mind.
The truth was, I really wanted to do that and it’s totally something that we could do. I did the inner work. I figured out how to work through that. And we did it. It took a few years and going down different paths, changing, shifting, and going through a waiting period, but that’s what we decided to do and so we did it.
I could have just ignored that, muted her stories and her posts because she made me have yucky feelings about my life, or suppressed it, not done the inner work, or hate-followed her moving forward. Or what some people do is they let these negative emotions fester and then they don’t deal with it.
What we don’t deal with gets projected out onto others. I could have projected out onto her comment section or in her DM’s something negative about her, “Oh, see, you’re having a hard day with motherhood. You have too many kids.” I could have done that. That’s what people do to me. That’s what people do on the internet every minute of every day. That would have been another option. These are the kinds of the things that can happen when you don’t deal with jealousy.
But I noticed it. I worked through it. I realized that it was something that I wanted that I had told myself I couldn’t have, told myself that it would be too much, that it wasn’t socially acceptable to have that many kids, it would be too hard, too busy. I really did that inner work. I talked with Brian and he was actually feeling the same way. And here we are a few years later.
It’s really, really cool what could happen when you use jealousy as a secret weapon instead of just some nasty thing that can sit, fester, and rot from the inside out.
It can become really toxic, but at first it’s not. It’s just a signal. It’s what you do with that signal that is either helpful or toxic.
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This is it! I wrote a book! I’m so happy!
This book is so much more than decluttering your home. This is about elevating your environment because as one of my favorite people and authors Marshall Goldsmith says, “If you do not create and control your environment, your environment creates and controls you.”
Changing your environment is leveling up in life. It is so hard to eat in a way that feels healthy and good to your body, make healthy choices, elevate into more money and revenue in your business, elevate into healthier relationships and communication with your partners and your children, elevate into anything that is high-vibe and helpful when your environment is not matching that. Our environment affects us so much!
I’ve been learning that so much recently as I was moving across the country and staying in cramped hotel rooms and tiny little Airbnbs. I realized even more—even though I already knew—even more how much the environment that we are in affects us so, so deeply. It affects everything we do.
When you elevate your environment, you are elevating yourself. You’re elevating your entire family. And when you act out of that elevated place, that spreads.
It’s not small. It changes the world, right? We’ve seen that through what has been created in the alliecasazza.com corner of the internet, right? And this ripple effect of women elevating their environment, elevating themselves, elevating out of hot-mess-mom culture into a better way of doing life.
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It doesn’t have to be about minimalism. It doesn’t have to be about having less for the sake of less. It doesn’t have to be about not shopping ever again or hating your life because you just don’t want to clean up all the time.
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You can go and get Declutter Like A Mother wherever you buy books. If you go to Target, please take a picture, take a selfie and tag me. I want to see it. It makes me so happy that it’s going to be there after all this time. That was my biggest goal. I was initially told no and then they came back and said yes. And it’s there! I can’t friggin’ wait to see you guys next to my book!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support! Go get your physical copy of Declutter Like A Mother out now!
Jealousy is often showing you something that you desire to have, but don’t believe you can. Like I was saying a minute ago, everything is projection. You’re projecting the feelings of desire that you believe unconsciously can never be met as jealousy toward the person who’s experiencing the thing you want.
I’ve had this happen with someone taking a vacation. I literally felt so jealous about this person that I followed for years taking a vacation. I was like,”Okay, whoa, whoa, here’s the jealousy thing again. What’s going on?” I needed a break. I was exhausted. I hadn’t given myself a break or a vacation in a year. My job is extremely energetically demanding and so are my kids. So, I talked with Brian and my team, figured it out, and we scheduled a little three-day staycation by the beach in our city. I didn’t even go anywhere. I just gave myself the space. I gave myself the break.
Jealousy is my super secret weapon. It’s my superpower. It’s yours too if you use it that way.
So, how can we use this? How can we use jealousy to walk ourselves through a process of self-healing, self-love, listening to the signals and honoring ourselves?
I think the first thing is just being aware. Awareness is always the first step. Awareness of what’s going on is always the first step to you stepping into your power. You can’t be in your power and figure things out if you’re not aware of what’s really going on.
We’re so used to suppressing emotions, suppressing the way we really feel, masking it, hiding it, making it feel like one thing when it’s really another.
Awareness is often difficult because we’ve trained ourselves to not be aware, to do everything but become aware.
Really getting out of that habit and into the habit of awareness is the first step. Being aware of the fact that you are feeling jealous, that jealousy is okay, it is normal, it is just a signal, and deciding that you’re going to use the signal to be helpful to your life rather than letting it grow into a toxic emotion that’s suppressed and hidden in your subconscious somewhere. I would say that’s the first step.
The next step I would say is realizing that most of the time the root issue of jealousy is often unworthiness. You don’t think you’re worthy of having that thing that someone has.
Sometimes this happens when someone seems to have it all. They have this amazing spouse. They have this amazing house. They have this amazing life, amazing kids, amazing body. They even love and accept their flaws. They’re just freaking perfect all the time.
We can get jealous of everyone’s everything and that takes a little bit more work because it’s not just like one thing, like when I said I was jealous of that girl’s vacation and jealous of that woman’s adoption. Those are just one thing, so it’s a little bit easier, but you can still work through it if it’s like, “I’m just jealous of her. I’m jealous of her life.” That’s something to dig into for sure.
Ask yourself, “What do I feel unworthy of?” Think about the person that triggered it. First of all, let’s send them love, light, and gratitude even just like in ourselves quietly, pray for them, or something to say, “Thank you for being my trigger. This is going to make me a better version of myself, so thank you for triggering me with your beautiful, amazing life.”
And then ask yourself, what about this? What about her? What about this person or their life or whatever, this Instagram post, whatever it was, what about this makes me feel unworthy? What do I feel unworthy of from this? What do I feel unworthy of?
Do you feel unworthy of having what it is that you’re jealous of? Do you feel unworthy of having a life where it gets to be good and it doesn’t feel like it’s constantly full of struggle? Is it general? Is it specific? What is it?
Spend some time thinking through that. Journal through it if you need to. Talk it out with a friend.
Sometimes I find that unworthiness actually masks itself through projection, as feelings of, “I’m way more worthy than she is,” but deep down, you actually don’t truly believe that you are worthy. Be careful of unworthiness.
We’re very complex creatures. Human beings are so complex. There’s so many layers to everything. It really takes a lot of digging and that’s okay. You might not sit with this for five minutes and think, “Oh, I want to adopt you.” It might be a process. And that’s okay.
Jealousy or unworthiness masks itself often as “I’m so worthy” because again, everything is projection. Projection is our go-to as humans. And again, it’s okay. It’s just a signal that we can dig into.
Really getting to the bottom of it like that, and noticing, being aware, working through it like, “Oh my gosh, how emotionally mature are you for doing that?” This is how you can be a better human. This is how you figure out how to grow. This is how you use difficult emotions or negative thought processes to actually be better.
It doesn’t mean that you’re like, “Oh, she took a vacation and I’m jealous. I’m going to take a vacation.” Maybe you can’t. But maybe you can give yourself an afternoon off. Maybe you can hire a nanny for two hours one day. Not even hire her permanently, just a one and done situation where you think, “I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t think I can afford this moving forward, but I’m just going to give myself a break. I’m going to just go to the beach, read a book for a couple hours, and then I’m going to come back.” Sometimes you just need to do what you can.
My jealousy over that one woman’s vacation was really just about the fact that I needed a break. My break doesn’t need to look like hers. I believe she had gone to France or something. It was pre-pandemic. She was in France, on a boat, sipping wine with her husband and friends, and I thought, “Well, damn. I’m exhausted. This sucks.”
I just gave myself a break. I gave myself space. I took a couple days in my county, just down in a different town, in an Airbnb with my family, and it was great. I could have also just taken the afternoon and walked to the beach, or gone to a coffee shop with my laptop and had my mom come and help with the kids. I could have asked for some help. Sometimes you just need a little space.
This is how you use jealousy to understand yourself better, work through your inner shit, and be a better version of yourself. It’s really so good. It’s such a signal. It’s such a tool. It doesn’t have to be this negative thing that we suppress.
Come back to this episode anytime you feel jealous. Walk through these steps. Do the inner work. I hope it helps you and changes your life like it did mine. Love you guys.
Thanks so much for hanging out with me! In case you didn’t know, there’s actually an exclusive community that’s been created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions around The Purpose Show episodes. It’s designed to get you to actually take action and make the positive changes that we talk about here. I want you to go and be a part of it. To do that, go to alliecasazza.com/facebookgroup.
Thank you so much for tuning in! If you’d like to learn more about me, how I can help you, how you can implement all these things and more into your life to make it simpler, better, and more abundant, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, online courses, programs, and other resources to help you create the life you really want.
I am always rooting for you, friend! See you next time! I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
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