Susie Moore is joining me on today’s episode! She is a best-selling author and advice columnist. Susie just wrote book called Let It Be Easy: Simple Ways To Stop Stressing And Start Living and we discuss what it would look like to let things be easy in different areas of your life. This conversation is amazing! Let’s jump in!
In this episode Allie and Susie discuss:
- Expecting hardship
- Letting it be easy in your marriage
- Letting it be easy in your decision-making
- Self-Confidence & Letting it be easy
- Letting it be easy when it comes to anxiety
- Letting it be easy and accepting help
Mentioned in this Episode:
Courses (Use the code PURPOSESHOW for 10% off!)
Mom life. We’re surrounded by the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. We’re supposed to get through it. Survive. Cling on by the last little thread. And at the same time, Carpe Diem—enjoy every moment because it’s going to go by so fast. The typical mom culture that sends us all kinds of mixed, typically negative messages. We shouldn’t take care of ourselves; it’s selfish. The more ragged you run yourself, the bigger your badge of honor. But also, ditch your mom bod and work out. Don’t yell. Make more money. Show up. Be better, but not at the expense of time with your kids. I am putting a hard stop to all of this. While being a mom, running a business, and whatever else you might have going on is hard, it is a lot and there’s lots of giving of yourself, the idea that motherhood means living a joyless, nonstop-hustle-with-zero-balance kind of life, where you give and give and give and never take, needs to stop.
I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime (at least most days). Stop the mom guilt and shame game. Stop cleaning up after your kids’ childhood and start being present for it. I want to help you thrive in work, home and life. I believe in John 10:10 that we are called to living an abundant life and I know moms are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, some business and life hacks, spirituality and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hey babes! Welcome to The Purpose Show podcast! Today my guest is my dear friend Susie Moore. She is a best-selling author and advice columnist. She’s been featured on Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, The Today Show, Forbes, Oprah.com and more.
Sign up for her free unstoppable self-confidence training. It’s a free workshop. It’s in show notes.
Everything she does is intentional and incredible. I stand by this woman. She is so amazing.
Just go and soak it up. Learn from her, especially if you are a business owner or you want to set and reach big goals. Just go follow her. She’s incredible.
This episode is all about letting life be easier, which is very counter-culture and such an interesting thing to say to different people and see the different reactions. There are people that get really angry about that idea and start freaking out. There are people that are very interested and intrigued by that idea.
I know this because a couple years ago, I started talking about this idea of what if we let life be easier and what would that look like? We even did the summer of ease on Instagram, where we just let things be easy.
Every time something came up, we just thought, What would make this easier? And we just went with that decision. People saw major transformations happen in their lives and it was so cool.
Then my friend, Susie, wrote this incredible book and sent it to me in the mail, Let It Be Easy: Simple Ways To Stop Stressing And Start Living. I thought, Oh my God, this is so aligned for my community. We have to have her on and talk about this.
This is really fun! We talk about tons of topics in this interview and what it would look like to let things be easy in that part of your life. We talk about marriage. We talk about decision-making, confidence, anxiety, accepting help from others, showing up and doing your job, being yourself and not worrying about what others think.
We talk about so many different areas all with this idea of more ease and flow. It’s really, really interesting. I felt so uplifted after this conversation. Quick disclaimer: we do talk about some adult things, so you might want to grab your earbuds for this one if you don’t have them in already.
All right loves, let’s welcome Susie, and enjoy this incredible conversation. Don’t forget to snap a screenshot and share on social media. This is one that everybody needs to listen to, so spread it far and wide and enjoy.
ALLIE: Hi friend! Thank you so much for coming back!
SUSIE: Allie, I will spend any second with you that’s available. Thank you so much for having me back on your very lovely podcast.
ALLIE: Last time you were here, we were talking about your book, Stop Checking Your Likes, which I’ve never been trying not to cry so much in an episode ever. That book is one of those books that when people ask you what are your favorite books that you recommend, and there are maybe 5 to 10 that pop up right away, your book is one of those for me.
I’m a bookworm. I read all the time. Especially for me in my job, it really impacted me at a time in my business where I was on this trajectory of growth, which of course brought new people that have a lot to say that’s not nice, and you just really empowered me to remove myself, protect myself, and also just not respond.
And now you have Let It Be Easy. I have the super advanced version in my hands. I’m so obsessed with this. I love Let It Be Easy. I just want to jump into every single section of life that I could think of that you talk about in this book.
Basically, it is broken up into extremely bite-sized chunks, which I’m obsessed with. It’s very easy to digest, very easy to read. She covers all the different areas of your life and talks about ways that you could release, let things be easier, and not make it so frigging difficult.
I would love to start with marriage because that is where you start in your book, and how your your husband, Heath, almost leaving you led you down this path of letting it be easy. Can you talk about that?
SUSIE: Oh yes. I love getting straight to the juicy stuff, Allie.
In my introduction, I shared that even at a certain age, I think I was around 27, I already did so much self-help because I had such a difficult family. I knew I was ambitious, I knew I had lofty goals, but I grew up in shelters.
There was addiction and abuse in my family. So I knew that it was going to be my job to direct my mind to create the life that I wanted. So I went after it.
I’ve been obsessed with self-help since I was fifteen and things have gone pretty well for me. I have achieved a lot of goals I had in mind. I got married and divorced and married again. But even with the knowledge that I was acquiring, doing all the things, like the mantras and loving myself, and all the things that you’re taught, there was just this missing piece.
I had this low-level anxiety all the time. Just all the time. It made me snappy and irritable. I wanted to control Heath, my husband. You can imagine what a treat that was for him to always feel like he was walking on eggshells around me because he never knew what my response would be.
I’d be annoyed if he were late home from work. I’d be annoyed if he wanted to stay out late with his friends. I’d be annoyed if he wanted to sleep in. I was in allegiance to my own suffering. I was used to it and I wanted to project that on to others, especially him.
He was on the verge of leaving. It was an “on the sofa night.” If you’ve had one of those, you know that’s not really a pleasant place to be. And he said to me, “You need to get some help or do something. We can’t go on this way.” I could tell with his withdrawn energy that he was serious.
I was at work the next day, desperate. I ran to the bathroom and splashed hot water on my face so I’d look hot, and told my boss that I had a fever. I then found the closest therapist I could go to who looked legit. And I just let it all out.
I was too desperate to hide it, to hold anything back. I said, “My husband wants to leave. I’m impossible. I don’t know what’s wrong. There’s no real problem here. I just can’t enjoy my life. I can’t relax. I can’t let him be who he is. I don’t feel like I can be who I am.”
That’s really when I started to look at how I had to be another way. It felt ironic. Because I’m like, Well, I’ve had my difficult past. That part’s over now. I’m an adult now. I’m making money. I’m married and I’m normal, so to speak. And it’s still not easy. It’s still not easy.
And that’s when I became obsessed with understanding what ease is, what real natural joy is, and to love myself enough to allow it to be my existence.
ALLIE: It’s so interesting because I’ve been reading so much and learning so much in the last year or so about how projecting works and our projection onto others. It’s so interesting how you were saying that you could not enjoy your life and you were keeping Heath from enjoying his life.
And I’ve done this a lot. I think everyone listening is like, Oh, I’ve kind of done this. Or, I’ve noticed that my spouse does this.
Really everything is just projection. We can learn so much when we look at how we are treating the people closest to us—what we won’t allow them to do, what we’re saying to them about how we actually feel about ourselves. I love what a clear picture you painted of that for us just now. Thank you for sharing that so honestly.
SUSIE: I believe that what’s personal, what’s truthful, is universal. Any of the problems that I have or experience, I know that I’m not the only one. Everyone’s situation looks a bit different from the outside. They’re not always a match.
I know that I was creating this suffering all by myself really successfully. I even thought, Could that be another way? Is there another possibility here?
It was like this iron gate opened and the enemy was inside the gates. It was me. I almost felt like it was my job to suffer through things.
I’m now completely obsessed with ease. I learned that ease is a skill. Like anything else, it’s something that you apply, that you practice, and then it becomes more and more natural and present in your life. But we all have to start somewhere and often it’s starting from not a very great place.
ALLIE: For sure. In the book you talk about how expecting hardship is a hardship. Can you talk about that?
SUSIE: Okay, Allie. Yes. I mean, tell me what’s easy, right? I joke that ease needs a good lawyer. Having kids is hard; not having kids is hard. Having a job is hard; running a business is hard. Making money is hard; not making money is hard.
ALLIE: Being overweight is hard; losing weight is hard. Everything is hard. And have you noticed that people are crazy about proving who’s got it harder, like having it be hard is a badge of honor.
Yes, there are difficulties, but it’s like a war of who’s got it more difficult. And that’s what everyone is hyper-focusing on, so they get more of it.
SUSIE: It’s so interesting, isn’t it? There’s no suffering hierarchy. No life can be compared. We don’t know the full story of anyone’s life. We only know our own.
We are taught that suffering is necessary. No one says to you when you’re growing up, It’s meant to be fun and easy. Just do the things that feel good. Trust what feels good.
There’s always this training of, It’s hard out there. It’s not safe out there. You’ve always got to watch your back. Think about it. Is it true that you can’t trust people and bad things happen?
Look, life has its challenges. I’ve had plenty. You’ve had plenty. You can approach it with an attitude of, Okay, this is life. I’m going to see what’s essential here. I’m going to allow this to be as easy as it can be with my own creativity and focus.
Or I can suffer, suffer, suffer, make it worse, and have a future-tripping story about what’s going to happen, spiral out, employ everyone else to be there with you and really rally the momentum around how hard it is.
Or there really can be another way. I think the power that we have is so amazing and we just overlook it all the time. We don’t realize that ease is an option and that fun is an option. Asking yourself, How can I let this be easier? is a good question to get your brain to supply you with better answers, better solutions on demand.
ALLIE: Absolutely! As a parent, when I’m in a state of allowing ease and believing that things get to be easy, get to feel light, get to flow, get to feel really good, there are always options. I can always change something. Being in that place echoes that.
When you’re in a place of being constricted, worrying about everything, and believing that everything is so freaking hard all the time (and if it’s not then you’re probably not doing a very good job), you’re tense, anxious, and not the mom you want to be. That echoes in your children and the people around you. They feel that.
But to be in a state of releasing and allowing it, letting it be easy, that also echoes and our kids pick up on that. We’re in such a better state of mind to deal with their little dramas that come up. It’s a huge deal to them when something happens at school and being able to just allow life to flow, you’re able to pause and you’re able to be there for that and sit with them in their emotions because you are not freaking out already about everything else. It’s such a ripple effect.
SUSIE: I am convinced that the most generous thing we can do for others is be loving and calm. We can get into someone’s angst with them, and sometimes we need to do that if someone needs to talk.
I remember my mum, she was always so anxious. We were always moving. There was always change. Physically, you could see it.
When she had these more rare moments of being at peace or maybe something good happened or someone was kind to us, I was so happy when she was just calm for a moment. So I think to myself, All I can do in the presence of anyone is be there and not be somewhere else or worrying.
To listen if a child is saying, Something happened and it hurt me, and to not think, Oh, well that’s terrible. I’m going to fix it. That’s shoring up their weakness with your strength. Just your presence, your loving, your calmness is so generous.
When we put ourselves first and we make this our most important priority, everything else is not only simpler but it arrives faster. I think it’s my only job to manage my mind. I feel like I’m the most generous person because I’m in the place of truth.
ALLIE: Taking it back to marriage, how do we let marriage be easy? I know that’s kind of general when there are so many specifics, but what do you have to say about marriage as a whole and this whole idea of just really allowing ease?
SUSIE: I have a couple of suggestions having gone down this road. And remember, I’m already divorced. I was divorced in my early twenties.
This is my second marriage. I’ve learned a few things. My second husband wanted to leave. I reeled him back in. He’s stuck with me now. We’ve been married for 12 years in January.
There will be ups and downs. I think that we can’t expect one person to be everything to us. Taking off the pressure that someone’s my incredible confidant, and then my golf partner, the person who I always go for sushi with, the person who has to go to church.
It’s a lot of pressure we put on our partners. And we don’t want that ourselves. We wouldn’t expect the pressure necessarily if it were reversed. So I think not putting too much pressure for one person to be all things to us.
Secondly, we don’t want to make our partner wrong. And that doesn’t mean that they’re not wrong sometimes or they don’t make mistakes. So do we.
But when we’re criticizing our partner, it’s very unsexy, right? If I’m saying, You’re wrong. That’s bad. You didn’t finish it. You’re late, etc. Do you think I’m being sexually attracted to someone who’s wrong all the time?
ALLIE: I’ve been in that position. Then if you’re in this energy of being so critical, then you’re critical of them for not being sexy. You undid it with your own perception.
SUSIE: I was speaking to a friend of mine recently who has a toddler and she’s saying, He doesn’t help me, et cetera. And I said, Well, what does he do? What does he do well? And she says, Well, he’s a great provider. He always allows me to be myself and have my meltdowns.
We have to think right towards our partners. No one is perfect. Certainly our husbands can mess up a lot. But to make your partner wrong, it’s very unattractive to you.
When you hold up your teammate, when you see them in the right light, that’s good for you. When we see someone in a more loving way, through a more loving, forgiving lens, through a lens of what are you doing right? You get that back, because what comes to us matches us.
And this works instantly. It’s spooky. This is what I do now: If I feel my stress coming on or if I want to bite, I will think, Pause. I have a choice in this moment. I can say, ‘I told you so,’ or I can think, ‘Hey, look, this handsome man is just doing his best with his new car that he can’t figure out how to work.’
In any moment, we can really go one of many ways, but what’s easier for you? Of course it’s going to be easier on the other person. If you can hold someone in the highest esteem, know the truth about them, then all the things that irritate us and can turn ugly, sometimes ugly fights that go on sulking, et cetera.
We can prevent that. We can prevent a lot of that. And then we receive so much love back.
ALLIE: Oh my gosh. So good. And you say couples therapy, just go.
SUSIE: Divorce is expensive. If you think couples therapy is expensive, divorce is very expensive. Couples therapy is like a massage.
I don’t know what we’re hiding from. When we sweep something under the rug, the rug just builds up with crap, right? Looking away doesn’t help. It isn’t helpful.
And this is why people sometimes say I’m all about toxic positivity. But look, I don’t shy away from anything that’s hard. I will question the stress in my life. I’ll question a problem.
I’ll shine a light on it, look at it, see what’s true and what isn’t true. The parts that are true that maybe need some work, then I’m not afraid to do the work on those things.
I don’t know how anyone gets through life without couples therapy. If you do, you are either magic, or maybe there’s a little something here that could be improved.
ALLIE: Absolutely. Brian and I have been married for 14 years. We got married so young and we were so clueless about how to be a decent person. I would say it’s a miracle we’re still married, but it’s really not.
It’s that work. It’s getting help. For so long, we couldn’t even afford therapy or anything, but we still asked questions and had the conversations.
It’s not a shame to get help, to need support, or to just go for the hell of it because you love each other and you want to continue to love each other and be guided through communication. Just go. Let it be easy. Just go.
SUSIE: Oh, just go and enjoy. There was so much strength in getting help. Help is the most courageous word.
ALLIE: I love that so much. I want to shift into talking about letting it be easy when it comes to making decisions. I feel like self-doubt is huge among people, but what I have really seen in my work that just really blows me away and makes me so sad, is that self-doubt is massive among moms.
They just don’t trust themselves. They don’t know how to trust themselves. They ask for validation from everyone, including me, including people in their lives and their friends for every single decision.
And you say that you’ve got to just decide and you can have regrets after and figure it out. How do we let that be easy? What do we do when we don’t know what to do? What do we do when we don’t have clarity? When we don’t trust ourselves? Can you speak to that?
SUSIE: It’s very, very common. In fact, the word confidence comes from a Latin origin word confido meaning ‘to trust.’ That’s all confidence is, having a self-trust or a trust in the universe.
Sometimes it is overwhelming. What’s the right thing? Am I choosing the right thing for my family? Is this a good investment? Is it a bad investment?
The truth is that very few things are right and wrong. You can have seven options and all seven options are great. They will all serve you enormously well. But often we don’t make any decision and then we feel bad. Then our self-doubt grows because we’re not taking any action.
Action is where the clarity comes. You go forward in one direction thinking, I don’t know if this feels good, but you take action and it feels great. Then you keep going.
This is my policy with decisions, whatever my decision is: I make it, I line myself up with it, and I love my decision. I’m proud of myself and my decision.
For example, when I moved to Miami after being in New York for 10 years, people said, You can’t live in Florida. There’s nothing going on there.
I said, I’m moving to Miami. I’m a genius. This is the best decision ever. And so it is. New York would also have been a great decision. Maybe San Francisco would have been a great decision.
It’s not making the right decision; it’s making the decision right.
ALLIE: So good! Everybody can feel that inner peace or that inner resistance. You know and that’s why you can’t shake it. The energy drain of overthinking every single thing, whether it’s little things or big things or both.
We are so much more valuable than expending our energy on that small shit. Let it go. It’s fine. You did fine.
SUSIE: And also, Allie, think about it. Even tattoos are reversible.
Often we build it up like this is such a big decision, but is it necessarily? Maybe; maybe not. Who knows?
In a lot of cases, you can change your mind and/or go back. Let’s just keep that perspective. There’s an ease to that.
Know that there is no real right or wrong. There’s no perfect timing. There’s no perfect person.
What feels good? What feels like the next right move? Whatever I decide is going to be the right decision for me.
ALLIE: Yeah. I love that so much.
Speaking of confidence, that’s the next area I want to talk to you about. You say that confidence is just a willingness to feel uncomfortable. I’d love to dive into that.
This is another huge thing, especially in my paid communities where we get really deep and real. The women are often sharing that they just don’t have confidence. They don’t have my confidence. They don’t have confidence like their best friend does. They are nitpicking at themselves, which of course makes you feel unconfident.
Talk about that statement, that it’s a willingness to feel uncomfortable. What does that mean? And how is that making it easy?
SUSIE: It’s such a relief. Anyone can be uncomfortable if you’re willing. Sometimes we think, She’s confident because she’s really hot. She’s got a rich family or he’s got this amazing education.
It’s none of those things. If that were true, then we wouldn’t see such a high suicide rate in rich and famous people. That universe has a very high suicide rate.
What I think about confidence is that we just get it wrong. We think that it’s bestowed on a few lucky people and we were not one of them. There are lots of times I don’t feel confident, but no one would know it because faking confidence and being confident is actually the same thing.
ALLIE: I agree. That is so well said. There are little things you can do—you can have a grounding practice and use your breath and other little things.
But really it’s all about showing up, even when you’re terrified.
SUSIE: You’re still willing to crap your pants and show up.
I find that a tremendous relief. It’s not like I need this checklist of things so I can feel good about myself and self-assured enough to go out there. I just have to be willing to piss my pants and show up anyway with a smile because I’m a professional.
Anyone can do this. And if you feel like you can’t, try it. Just keep trying.
We’ve coached so many people at different levels. We know them. I’m blessed to know lots of very successful, lovely people.
And they are nervous all the time. They are terrified all the time. But the difference is that they’re willing to lean into the discomfort versus shutting it down and saying no.
You engineer a small life by saying no. Or by saying, Oh, I’m not ready. Or, Someone else is better qualified for that. Or whatever it may be.
I’m willing to be rejected. I’m willing to be wrong. I’m willing to be humiliated. Every time I do a podcast, I could say something and then people could post it and say that I’m out of touch. I’m willing for that to happen. I know that I’ll be okay.
Who isn’t willing? That’s the confidence gap. Are you willing or not?
I’m sure we all knew someone in our younger years, some boy at school who maybe wasn’t cute, but he got the girls because he just kept asking them out. He says, I don’t mind. She can say no and then I’ll ask her again.
He wears them down. Then he’s got a great relationship. And you’re like, Wow! You are just willing!
What I’m about to say is for all you online business babes.
Maybe you already got a functioning online business, maybe you have a side hustle you really want to grow but you’re kind of just petering around with it. Maybe you have this idea and you’ve put some pieces together and it’s not really going anywhere.
This is a game changer! I’m about to literally change the game for those of you who have an online business in any of its forms.
I’ve just created a brand new challenge that I’ve never done before. It’s absolute fire!
I’m so excited about it. So aligned with this content that has just come out of me and I’m teaching it live.
The challenge is called 5 Days to Your Next Right Steps in your Online Business. It’s happening November 15-19, 2021!
Here’s what’s happening: I’m going to help you get super clear. You’re going to take real action that changes things for you, for your side hustle, for your business, for whatever you want to call it.
We’re going to make it easy. You’re going to go from feeling unqualified to absolutely confident. Confidence comes from knowing what you’re supposed to do next. We’re going to get you there!
You’re going to simplify your plan so you can actually do it and grow. And you’re not throwing random noodles at the wall and you’re not sure what to do next.
You’re going to learn to work smarter not harder, despite all the overwhelm and the very long to-do lists and the different voices coming at you, telling you what to focus on and what not to focus on.
This is what I do. We’re going to simplify all the noise. You’re going to borrow some of my best shortcuts.
This is coming from my 20/20 hindsight in growing my business to this multi-million dollar empire that it is today from a $50 laptop sitting on the floor with my kids crawling all over me.
I got you okay? I’m dishing out the tea!
And you’re going to get live business coaching opportunities for one-to-one help with me right then and there. Live!
This is crazy! This has never been done by me! I’m so excited.
Go to alliecasazza.com/5daychallenge to sign up. It absolutely free! I cannot freaking wait! I will see you there!
ALLIE: Something that we’ve talked a lot about in The Purpose Show community is anxiety. You mentioned it in your book several different places. How do we let it be easy when it comes to anxiety? It’s hard. It’s complicated. Talk to us about that.
SUSIE: One of the problems with anxiety is thinking that we shouldn’t have it. Half of it is feeling bad about the anxiety. We’re human beings and we’ve had a hard couple of years these past couple of years.
The future is always uncertain. No matter how much money you have saved, no matter how healthy you are now, we never know. I think we need to give ourselves a little grace if we feel some anxiety.
It’s part of being human. We entertain different thoughts about the future. We have different emotions about the past.
When I feel anxiety coming on, it feels like stress. We have somatic symptoms. You can feel your chest tightening. You have tunnel vision. It’s palpable.
I have a three-step question system that I love. The brain’s number one job is to ensure your survival as a human being. So you will survive or you will die, right? That’s how primitive the brain is in one way.
When a threat comes, a perceived threat, like a mean comment or whatever it may be, an email with bad news, the brain thinks, I’m going to die. I have to protect. Something has to happen. We feel all this stress in our body. It takes over.
First of all, you need to take a couple of deep breaths. Then the three-step formula is: Step 1: Ask yourself, How serious is this really?
ALLIE: I’m thinking of a situation, a regular life situation, that I experienced trauma in years and years ago that to this day brings it up every time. When you ask that, I’m just imagining going through that, and it almost brings a silliness to it.
SUSIE: Sometimes you end up laughing. The brain will think, I’m going to die—that’s the flight fight or flight freeze response, but how serious is this really?
Someone says something mean about me, someone doesn’t like me, someone wants to even take legal action against me. This stuff happens in business. How serious is this really?
It’s a nuisance, maybe. It’s not desirable. But am I going to be okay? Is my family going to be okay? Is someone is coming at me with a knife?
So, Step One: Ask the question: How serious is it really? Sometimes that question gets you thinking, Well, this has happened to someone else. Or I’ve already lived through something similar. How serious is it really?
Step Two: Ask yourself, What’s essential here?
ALLIE: What does that look like exactly?
SUSIE: This is very unlike me because I’m so reliable, but one time someone emailed me asking for the PowerPoint slides for a presentation. I didn’t even have the meeting in my calendar, but I did remember it when they asked for the slides. But I didn’t have any slides. I was slideless with 24 hours to go.
And I was like, Hmm. I don’t have any slides. I’ve got 24 hours. I’m not going to kill myself and create something in a rushed ugly way either. What’s essential here?
That was the question. How serious is this? Not really. It’s not ideal.
What’s essential here? It’s essential that I show up and it’s essential that I just tell the truth, that I’m generous and I tell the truth.
Those are the only thing that are essential: my presence and my honesty.
Then the Third Step is to ask the question, How can I let this be easy? I didn’t even say sorry. I didn’t even say what had happened. I just said, Hey, I was thinking maybe we could make this a Q & A instead. It’s more intimate. People love asking questions. We can get straight to the heart of what people want versus maybe me having something to say on the topic that takes up half the time. And they thought it was great!
ALLIE: That could have been such a panic. It’s interesting that you use that example because I have literally been in the exact same situation, except it was 20 minutes before. I panicked and I lied.
Then my inner voice was like, You don’t belong here. You don’t even have a presentation. Look at this. You shouldn’t even be in the same room as these people. You’re in the mom niche. You can’t even teach business.
It went on. It was so degrading, which just heightened the anxiety any other time that I speak.
I’m sharing this so we can hear these two very different reactions to the same situation and how much lighter and easier yours feels.
SUSIE: Think about it. It’s the same outcome. Great result in the end. I had my panicked moment where I thought that it was very serious and I’d messed up and this was not professional.
But how serious is it? What’s essential? I’ve just got to be there for one hour. That was my commitment. How that looks can be different.
What’s the easy part? Let’s do a Q & A. Nothing to prepare. And it was great for everyone and I moved on with my day!
I could have spent all night creating the slides, freaking out, berating myself, but instead I was like, Okay, cool. I’ll show up. I’ll show up with a smile tomorrow at 12 and that’s it. That’s how we let it be easy.
ALLIE: Beautiful. So freaking beautiful.
Moving on to the topic of accepting help. There’s such a drive to do everything ourselves. The badge of honor that doing everything yourself earns moms in our society is big, gold, shiny, and everybody wants it, so we’re all just trying to do everything ourselves.
But you say don’t deprive others of the joy of helping you. Can you talk about that?
SUSIE: Whenever someone’s nervous to ask for help in any capacity I love to ask them when was the last time someone asked you for help? It happens in many forms—Can you babysit? Can you help me name my course? Can you help me figure out how to write something? When that person asked you for help, did you think, They are such a loser?
If I said, Hey, Allie, I really like your advice. I want to do something about Christmas. You do stuff for Christmas for your moms. What do you think about doing a holiday offer or something? What would you think?
ALLIE: In every situation I can think of I usually respond one of two ways. Either, Oh my gosh, she wants my help and I’m happy to help. I feel like I can flex that muscle. This is what I do. Or it’s like, Oh, this is just kind of inconvenient right now. I’m just going to say no. They can say what they want.
SUSIE: Absolutely. And the thing is, often we don’t even give one the dignity of making the decision of whether or not they want to help us because we write off the opportunity before they have the chance. People want to help.
Think about how we feel when we help. Not always, we have to work within our own capacity, but if someone comes to me for help, often I feel flattered. I feel really happy that we’re at a level of intimacy where someone feels like they can ask for my help.
It feels good. It feels close. And it also gives me a weird permission to ask for help too. Not necessarily with that person, but if someone says, Hey, could you help me with something? I’d be like, Ooh, she asked, that’s quite inspiring. Maybe I’m going to ask. Maybe there’s someone I can ask about something unrelated.
It’s generous to ask. The Law of Reciprocity is dynamic. Give and take are the same thing. It can’t just be one way. It wouldn’t survive.
If you’re a big giver, then you’re depriving others of a really nice opportunity to support you. They will want to and they can say no but give them the option to say no. Right now all you’re receiving is no before you even opened your mouth because you’re not making something available that can also be a blessing to others.
I expect help, Allie. I go through life expecting people to help me.
ALLIE: I’m learning that too, which has been so hard for me in the past. I just stopped letting it be hard two years ago. And everything is just so much easier, specifically in my business.
And even in my home, like delegating cleaning the house, hiring a meal service. Things that of course are a privilege for me but it echoes in everything. Asking your spouse to take out the trash instead of you doing it all the time.
Having those discussions and communicating that you need support. You are always giving support, so it’s okay to ask for that in return. The giving and the receiving balance of life is natural.
SUSIE: It’s wonderful for others. Always look back on your own experience as a giver when someone’s asked you, what have you thought in that moment? Often we think that people are thinking that we’re desperate, we’re stupid, we can’t figure it out, when they’re just thinking, Oh, it’s really nice that someone asked for my help on this.
ALLIE: Two more questions for you. You even say let it be easy about sex. I love that you put this in here. I saw this one and I was like, Oh my gosh, of course she did.
You talk about a story of one of your married friends’ sex life slowing way down and she was feeling really bummed about that. You totally laid out this conversation with her about how we can let even that be easy.
Which it can feel so personal, almost like taking intimate offense, like this shouldn’t be this way or shame on yourself. There’s something wrong with me because it’s not fiery or whatever. And you just kind of simplified all of it. How can we let it be easy with something even like sex?
SUSIE: I love this topic because I think a lot of us are secretly worried about this. Am I doing it enough? What’s the right amount?
ALLIE: Is it the right way? Is it supposed to be more intimate? No one can just breathe and feel. And I think it’s because there are all these stories out there about how it’s supposed to be, what’s normal, everyone else is doing it three times a week or four times or two times or whatever.
How can we release all of that and for us in our relationship, getting to the point of what is bothering you and how can you let that be simpler?
SUSIE: Maybe in the first couple years of a relationship, it doesn’t come up so much, but after a while, look, these things come in waves in all relationships. You have periods where you’re more intimate, periods where you’re less intimate.
There are many factors. What’s wrong with that? Why the judgment?
I’ve noticed that women like to blame themselves, blame their bodies, blame their weight gain, blame their lack of dressing up in the bedroom, like lingerie, et cetera. It can be a whole spiral.
This friend who I was speaking to, she wanted to Google a sex therapist. She was thinking it was maybe her body. I’m not sure if you know this Allie, but there’s been a big sex drought during the pandemic.
There’s a lot of media around it. When the pandemic began or when they were locked down, there were all these jokes, like, Oh, they’re going to be a lot of babies in nine months.
ALLIE: I have not heard about the drought. I’m so confused.
SUSIE: It’s the opposite. We’ve all taken a hit. It’s just the constant proximity to one another. That’s not always sexy.
The way that I look at it is this. First of all, why the pressure? Why the judgement? If that’s something that you want to change, great. But you’ve identified something that you’d like to enhance.
I love to ask when was the last time you actually had a hug that lasted more than three seconds? When was the last time you had a French kiss? Sometimes not even a kiss goodbye. Why not?
Even in a non-sexual way, just dial up. It’s what our bodies do. Our bodies react. When there’s closeness that just happens.
Instead of going down a rabbit hole, paying for sex therapy, et cetera, I mean, therapy is always good but why not just try fostering more intimacy, touching your partner’s hand, looking at him in his eyes, listening. I’ve noticed that whenever couples go to couples therapy and they work on their kindness and how they speak to each other, the sexual part catches up.
ALLIE: Yeah. It’s great. It’s like the book, The Body Keeps the Score. Our bodies are always messaging to us. They’re always going to respond to everything else going on.
They’re like the last wave of reaction to whatever else is going on. Eventually, that sexuality will just kind of die down if things are not being communicated, if things feel stale. If you’re close and intimate, then that type of intimacy will just follow.
It’s just a message. It doesn’t mean anything about you. It’s just a message.
SUSIE: And when you think about it, there’s familiarity in life. Change is nice, right? We like trying new food. We like getting new clothes.
When you’re with the same partner for a long time, it’s just familiar, right? Another thing that I love to do, Allie, is sometimes I’ll look at Heath, whatever he’s doing, wherever we are, say we’re at a party at someone’s house, I will look at him as if I were looking at a stranger.
I’m like, imagine some girl walked in and Heath was a single man, how would she look at him? He is a fine man. He is a sexy man. I’m thinking these thoughts consciously.
I could be like, Ugh he was late again. He was annoying this morning. He just spilled shit everywhere. That’s not sexy. And if he was looking at me thinking, Oh, she’s so annoying. Oh, she talks too much, he’s not going to want me to come closer, you know?
If I remember what I liked about him in the beginning and I look at him with those eyes I’ll notice my body respond to that.
ALLIE: It makes so much sense. It really does.
SUSIE: So we think right towards them, we think right towards ourselves, we don’t expect to have this perfect system, because there isn’t one.
There isn’t a perfect number or a perfect anything. It’s just what gives you both pleasure and what feels good. There’s no standard. There’s no right or wrong.
How are you thinking about your partner? Your body responds to how you’re thinking.
ALLIE: Yeah, absolutely. And that is our power.
SUSIE: Oh yeah. Always. I’ve got friends with husbands who are all different ages, different sizes, different personalities, and the sexual attraction has nothing to do with the looks. It has nothing to do with the fact that you stay in five star hotels. It’s not that.
What is this woman believing about her man in that moment? He takes care of us. He’s so caring. He is making sure we’re always comfortable.
Every man is different, right? Same with every woman. But lean into the areas that they’re right.
Can I just share with you this joke that I love, which I included in the book because I thought it was so funny. The Mayor is going down the carnival with his wife. He’s the Mayor. He’s very fancy. Everyone’s waving to him.
They have to stop for gas. And when they stopped for gas, he notices that his wife’s ex-boyfriend is pumping the gas at the gas station. And he says to his wife, Aren’t you lucky! If you had married him, you’d be a gas attendant’s wife. And she says, If I married him, he’d be the man.
Your biggest teammate, your most important teammate, build them up. It’s good for you. If you’re showing someone what’s wrong, criticizing, what does that do for them? For their spirit? For their potential?
If I support my husband, if I celebrate him, I praise him and he does the same for me, we go farther together. It’s in it for us, too.
ALLIE: It’s such a reminder of abundance begets abundance, scarcity begets more scarcity. I always come back to this and it’s the theme of every episode because it’s so true all the time.
When you are speaking love abundantly, you receive that in every area, it comes back to you. I believe that if you have this abundance of love in your relationship that you’re pouring out, it can show up back to you in your relationship.
It can show up in friendships. It can show up in your bank account and your business. It flows all the way around.
If you’re nitpicking and you’re scarce, if you’re just looking at the negative and focusing on what’s wrong, it always comes back in other ways. It causes anxiety. What you think is your life and that is your power. It’s not a burden. It’s your power.
Okay, guys, Let It Be Easy is out! It’s so good.
I’m going to say it again, because this is so huge for the women that listen to my podcasts who are usually mothers and reading a book sometimes is not going to happen. Actually, we just did a poll in one of my online communities, and that was the number one thing.
I was so surprised. I thought it would be sleep or something. People said they wanted to read more. They want more time to read and they don’t feel like they have it.
Get this book because it will change your life. The content will change your life. And it’s bite-sized. How many chapters are there?
SUSIE: 141 pages and every chapter is less than three pages. The average chapter is one to two pages and you don’t even have to flick through it in order.
ALLIE: I’ve been just randomly flipping through. Now I think I will maybe start at the beginning so I can make sure I read every single one because it’s so good. I’m just bouncing around and supporting myself with a little bite size bit, something to sit around in my brain for the day.
I’m all about when I want to work on something, I immerse myself in it. So if you’re listening to this, last summer we did this theme on Instagram where I was like, Let’s learn to allow ease. We’re going to let it be easy. We did this whole challenge together last year and it was so good.
So if you’re back there and you want to work on that, immerse yourself in it. Just read a little excerpt every night before you go to bed and just sit with that. Ask yourself, How could I let things be easier and not expect and accept constant chaos and hardship? It doesn’t need to be like that.
That’s the message for the day.
Thank you for being here. This is so good. I appreciate your time and your expertise so much. You’re just a light.
SUSIE: Allie. I just love you so much. Should we do this again tomorrow?
ALLIE: I know you’re one of those people where you just vibe, all filters off. We click and you get it. I also think our values are aligned. Even though we’re both successful women, our values and life and our people are really important to us. I can see that in you and I appreciate that.
SUSIE: Allie, I love you so much. I appreciate you. I respect you. I thank you. Thank you for this wonderful conversation. What a joy. Lucky me.
ALLIE: Of course. All right guys, go get Let It Be Easy and share this episode online. This is such a good one, such a freedom giver to so many people. Please share and tag us on Instagram. Thank you guys.
Thanks so much for hanging out with me! In case you didn’t know, there’s actually an exclusive community that’s been created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions around The Purpose Show episodes. It’s designed to get you to actually take action and make the positive changes that we talk about here. I want you to go and be a part of it. To do that, go to alliecasazza.com/facebookgroup.
Thank you so much for tuning in! If you’d like to learn more about me, how I can help you, how you can implement all these things and more into your life to make it simpler, better, and more abundant, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, online courses, programs, and other resources to help you create the life you really want.
I am always rooting for you, friend! See you next time! I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
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