my life

Hiiii!

Gosh I feel like it’s been ages since I sat at this space and just let myself pour into it. Our vacation really threw me off, and as refreshing as it was, I’m so happy to be back home and in my normal routine! I want to share a little bit about what’s been on my heart lately, and then I’m gonna dump the best photos from our trip!

So, right before Christmas, my dad called me and asked me if Brian and I would be willing to bump our planned March trip to California up to January. He offered to pay for our plane tickets if we did. Obviously we took him up on his offer! He booked us for two whole weeks and the trip was fairly last-minute, so the whole thing was one big blur to me. 

I have to say that I hated flying with the kids, and would absolutely choose the twenty-two hours of driving that we did with them over the 4+ hours of flying and the layover each way. Emmett is just at the worst age for being forced to sit in one spot for that long, and he was screeching and frustrated and miserable for most of the flight time, despite all the things we did to prepare. Our kids just love the car and do so well in it, I think we’ll commit to road tripping back home every six months for now, and revisit the flight idea when Emmett is older. 

I was apprehensive about going back. I was worried about how being back there and spending time with friends and family would make me feel. I thought maybe being back where things are comfortable would cause me to hate our decision to move, and dread coming back to Arkansas. 

I was very wrong about that. 

Going back was so fun, so refreshing, so comforting, but somehow I felt even more confident about our move, and after the first week I couldn’t wait to get back home. I saw California as a wonderful place full of people and places I love that I get to visit every six months and take a break from the rhythm of daily life. I loved the beach and breathed it in so deep, but when I walked back to the car with the waves at my back, I was okay. I was thinking of how good it would feel to go home and see the mountains again. I didn’t look over my shoulder like I did when I walked away four months ago. I didn’t need to, and that felt good. 

One of the things I realized while there, is that I haven’t been truly settling into our new home yet. The first three months were at first total chaos, and then anxiety coupled with a lack of action. I wasn’t really committed to new friendships, to my area, to making Arkansas our home like I did when we lived in California. I realized that it’s time to bury my feet in the ground, put down some roots, dive into friendships and homeschooling and church, and start living here. Exploring the area isn’t enough, I have to treat this place like home because it is! This is where God has led us and I don’t know how long He will have us here, so I need to be all in. 

I can wait patiently for our next trip to Cali. I can look forward to my toes in the sand and my family surrounding me again, but I don’t feel like I’m hanging onto the life I had there while physically standing on new soil. I feel present and settled and at peace. I feel ready to live. 

Hiiii!

Gosh I feel like it’s been ages since I sat at this space and just let myself pour into it. Our vacation really threw me off, and as refreshing as it was, I’m so happy to be back home and in my normal routine! I want to share a little bit about what’s been on my heart lately, and then I’m gonna dump the best photos from our trip!

So, right before Christmas, my dad called me and asked me if Brian and I would be willing to bump our planned March trip to California up to January. He offered to pay for our plane tickets if we did. Obviously we took him up on his offer! He booked us for two whole weeks and the trip was fairly last-minute, so the whole thing was one big blur to me. 

I have to say that I hated flying with the kids, and would absolutely choose the twenty-two hours of driving that we did with them over the 4+ hours of flying and the layover each way. Emmett is just at the worst age for being forced to sit in one spot for that long, and he was screeching and frustrated and miserable for most of the flight time, despite all the things we did to prepare. Our kids just love the car and do so well in it, I think we’ll commit to road tripping back home every six months for now, and revisit the flight idea when Emmett is older. 

I was apprehensive about going back. I was worried about how being back there and spending time with friends and family would make me feel. I thought maybe being back where things are comfortable would cause me to hate our decision to move, and dread coming back to Arkansas. 

I was very wrong about that. 

Going back was so fun, so refreshing, so comforting, but somehow I felt even more confident about our move, and after the first week I couldn’t wait to get back home. I saw California as a wonderful place full of people and places I love that I get to visit every six months and take a break from the rhythm of daily life. I loved the beach and breathed it in so deep, but when I walked back to the car with the waves at my back, I was okay. I was thinking of how good it would feel to go home and see the mountains again. I didn’t look over my shoulder like I did when I walked away four months ago. I didn’t need to, and that felt good. 

One of the things I realized while there, is that I haven’t been truly settling into our new home yet. The first three months were at first total chaos, and then anxiety coupled with a lack of action. I wasn’t really committed to new friendships, to my area, to making Arkansas our home like I did when we lived in California. I realized that it’s time to bury my feet in the ground, put down some roots, dive into friendships and homeschooling and church, and start living here. Exploring the area isn’t enough, I have to treat this place like home because it is! This is where God has led us and I don’t know how long He will have us here, so I need to be all in. 

I can wait patiently for our next trip to Cali. I can look forward to my toes in the sand and my family surrounding me again, but I don’t feel like I’m hanging onto the life I had there while physically standing on new soil. I feel present and settled and at peace. I feel ready to live. 

Life lately is rain. Like, literal rain from the sky. A downpour that seems constant.

Being born and raised in So Cal, when it rains I stare blankly out the window and cross everything off my to do list because life cannot be lived if it’s raining. Here in Northwest Arkansas, apparently, it rains a lot and people just keep on going, living and doing life things. This includes leaving the house, which is both jarring and shocking to the California girl in me. Even today as our family left to go see a movie, it was raining so hard that it felt illegal or something. I kept peering out from underneath my protective hood, looking for signs of life. There was a guy walking his dog, a girl jogging (really?! you’re jogging in this???), and even a mom with her kids under the canopy at the picnic tables across from our house. Life can go on, even if it’s raining. Good to know.

Life lately is also some metaphorical rain. Brian and I both expected life to get a lot easier when we moved out here. Some things have been a million times better, like his work hours, but other things have remained difficult or gotten even harder.

How could you, God?!

I’ve found myself cranky, even a little bitter over some of it. I have had to sit in the dark on the couch in the dead of night and lay it all out for Him. The confusion, the thoughts I have, and how pissed off He made me on more than one occasion recently. It’s okay, He can handle my emotions.

God never promised easy if we follow His call on our lives. I know this, but I somehow thought our “big leap of faith” made us exempt.

God we moved all the way out here! Away from everyone we know and love! How can you not bless all of everything in our lives immediately?!

Oh humanity, you make me into such a moron.

God called us out of California and into Arkansas.

I know that for sure.

He blessed us with better work hours at Brian’s job, enough money to make it, and the promise that He’s got something big for us out here. At what point did I hear, “Get choself out to the mountains, girl! I’mma give you all the best everything! It’ll all be butterflies and rainbows and unicorns fo sho!” (I don’t know why I gave God a gangster voice. I get weird when I’m confessing something humbling. If this offends you go ahead and click away. I’ll understand…)

I think so often we (or, um, just I) fill in the margins of God’s voice. We hear Him give us a promise and we add in all the extra frills because the promise alone isn’t enough.

It’s a heavy lack of gratitude, at its best. 

Why would I ever expect perfection in my life as a result of following God? Getting that would mean He gave me a way out of needing Him, of needing a Savior. That goes so far from His character, and believe it or not, His total goodness.

When God calls us, there’s a reason, even if we can’t see it. There’s a lot of hope in His call, but never perfection. In this fallen world we face hard trials and take deep cuts. So what’s the point? Why follow the call in the first place if it’s still going to suck sometimes?

Because even if not, He is still good. (Daniel 3:18)

Even if the things I think or hope will come to pass don’t come anywhere near my life, even if I give up everything I own and love and follow His call and I lose even more,

He is still good. 

He is still good because He has promised that, eventually, His plans for me will make me prosper. (Jeremiah 29:11)

He is still good because His love for me never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:8)

He is still good because He will never leave me in the mess of life, or any other time for that matter. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

He is still good because He has poured out His blessings upon me, even if things are difficult at the moment. (Psalm 34:8)

He is still good because He adores me with a rich passion that I cannot even fathom. (1 John 3:1a)

He is still good when things seem unfair because of His love for me, and because love does not delight in evil. (1 Corinthians 13:6)

He is still good because His ways are higher than mine. (Isaiah 55:9)

He is still good because He is God. (Psalm 100:3)

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 

Romans 5:3-5

And so I shut up, I stop expecting what is uncharacteristic of the God I love and serve, and I stop complaining about all He has blessed me with. So I run with purpose in every step and move ahead strong, trusting in His high ways and great plan, because my humanity is so weak, and I need a big God like Him.