Ep 112: Live Chat with Allie

I think social media can be such a waste of time and on those same platforms where so much time is wasted, I love creating spaces that are intentional and inspire you to be better. I have a free Facebook group that’s really big, really fun, really engaged. It’s an attachment of this podcast, a place where we discuss episodes. Discuss abundant life, simplicity, and intentional living for mothers and women of all types. It’s such a cool place.

Once a month in that group, I do what is called an Allie Chat where I pull somebody out from the community there and we go live together. There was an Allie Chat recently with a woman named Christina who is just a gem. She asked such amazing questions about her motherhood. I loved the conversation we had and the audience loved the answers that I gave. It was such a powerful Allie Chat and I knew that I had to use it as an episode for The Purpose Show.

 

 

 

In This Episode Allie + Christina Discuss:

  • encouraging creative play in toddlers without living in constant mess

  • transitioning between seasons and when you need to change up your routines

  • self-care practices with and without your kids around

  • how the Enneagram empowered Allie’s marriage and relationships

     

Mentioned in this Episode:


The Supermom Vault is a library of inspiration I created for you.  It holds replays of my very best online workshops that aren’t available anywhere else, tons of really actionable pdf’s that are downloadable with just one click, more than 20 audio and video trainings from me, and professionally designed printables for your home to keep you focused and inspired.

Check it out!  It’s a really good simple start.


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Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to. I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days. I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it. Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and I know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.


Hello, my beautiful, beautiful friend! I’ve got the coolest, most unique episode ever for you today.

I have this free Facebook group. If you’re already a part of it, you know, but if you’re not, you’ve got to get over there. I will link to it in the show notes for sure, or you could just search for it.

It’s a free Facebook group that’s really big, really fun, really engaged. The women there are just incredible. There’s this energetic current that flows through that group, and that flows through me every time I spend time in there. It’s really an amazing place to be on the internet, which is awesome because that’s one of my biggest goals in my business. You know, I think social media can be such a waste of time and on those same platforms where so much time is wasted, I love creating spaces that are the opposite of wasted time.

I love creating spaces that are intentional and inspire you to be better. When you’re on social media with me, you are bettering yourself, not wasting yourself. I love doing that. And this Facebook group is such a picture of that. It is The Purpose Show Community with Allie Casazza on Facebook. It’s an attachment of this podcast—a place where we discuss episodes, discuss abundant life, simplicity, and intentional living for mothers and women of all types. It’s such a cool place.

Once a month in that group, I do what is called an Allie Chat where I pull somebody out from the community there and we go live together. She gets to ask me basically anything she wants. It’s really, really cool.

There was an Allie Chat recently with a woman named Christina who is just a gem. She’s so cute, so sweet, so beautiful and amazing. She asked such amazing questions about her motherhood. I loved what she chose to ask me. I loved the conversation we had and the audience loved the answers that I gave. It was such a powerful Allie Chat and I knew that I had to use it as an episode for The Purpose Show.

We discussed a lot of things, but here’s a quick surface recap. We discussed encouraging creative play in toddlers without living in constant mess. We discussed transitioning between seasons and when you need to change up your routines—which is a really frequently asked question in my community so, I’m happy that I had a chance to answer it live with Christina. We discussed self-care practices with and without your kids around. We also discussed how the Enneagram empowered my marriage and relationships.

This is not doing it justice. This is a really powerful episode, so keep playing this. Put it on while you drive, while you go do whatever it is you’re doing today. I encourage you to listen.

Thank you, Christina, for being a part of my community. Thank you for asking these important questions. Guys, enjoy this conversation. It’s so, so good.

ALLIE: Hi, can you hear me? How are you today? You look beautiful.

CHRISTINA: Thank you. I’m so excited to be here! I’m such a fan of yours. I’m so emotional already. I love you so much. You changed my life in so many ways. I’m just so excited. You’re like my hero, so I’m just happy to chat. I got some coffee.

ALLIE: Oh my gosh. Okay. I left my coffee upstairs and right when I got on, I was like, “How awkward, on a scale of 1 to 10, would it be if I just hung up and ran to go grab it? No, it’s fine. I’ve got water, and I should drink it.”

Okay. So, I have your questions here, but I would rather you ask them since you’re here. I have them just in case we have tech issues or in case you couldn’t come. I love what you asked though. And I saw that you have a Bella too!

CHRISTINA: I do! I actually named her after you. Not in a stalker-kind-of-way. But I love that name. I actually named her Isabella, but we call her Bella and she’s just a little light in our lives though. I just saw that name and I think I first heard it from you.

ALLIE: Yeah, I love it. Well, when we named Bella we couldn’t name her—well, we could have, but we didn’t want to name her—Isabella because our last name is such a mouthful. I feel like it’s a lot for a 2-year-old to be Isabella Casazza. It’s just a lot. And so, we just did Bella and I was feeling super unique. It was an old Italian name and every time we said it people were like, “Wow! That’s really unique.” And then Twilight came out and ruined my life and made me super mad. Everyone was like, “Oh, I like Twilight, too. Are you going to have an Edward next?” Yeah, I hated everything for three years because it wouldn’t stop.

So, talk to me about what you want to talk about today.

CHRISTINA: So, I’ve actually been through the decluttering process. I actually did it before I found you. So, I’m really on the other side of it. I post a lot in the group—testimony to how this minimalism thing can change your life and add time with your kids. But my kids are so little still, they are 4, 3, & 1.

So my first question is: After you have completed the decluttering process, how do you keep your toddler messes to a minimum without discouraging creative play?

My 4, 3, & 1-year-olds love exploring. We’ve gotten rid of so many toys. We have a box of Legos and some dolls. But they are so creative, they just get into all this stuff, you know? Like my 1-year-old is taking stuff out of the dressers. The 4 & 3-year-olds are pulling out the pots and pans. They want to dress up in mommy’s clothes.

And for a while I was like, “Okay, I’m putting all the clothes up. I’m not letting you guys change six times a day.” And it worked for a little while, but I want my 4 & 3-year-olds to help, and I want them to learn. I don’t want to do everything for them. So, I guess what is the balance between that? I don’t want to put everything up so that they can’t access it. I don’t want to be doing everything for them, but I don’t want to be walking around all day cleaning up all these random messes.

ALLIE: Yeah, totally. For me, in my experience, you’re right at the point in motherhood where you go through these tiers. You go through these stages. I remember times when I thought, “Oh, are timeouts irrelevant now? Do I need to do something different because they’re so old?” It’s weird. You realize like, “Oh, I think it’s time for this now.” And you’re right at that point where it’s time for them to help.

CHRISTINA: Even though it takes twice as long.

ALLIE: Yeah, oh my gosh, but that gets way better. And some moms don’t have the vision that you have for your kids. They don’t mind doing everything and that’s not what they want for their kids. So, if you’re watching and that’s you, disregard.

But for me, I really wanted my kids to help. I believe in chores. I want them to be helpful and not entitled. And that’s just important to me. It gets so much easier when they’re older. Now Bella and Leland are 10 and 8 and they do the dishes after dinner. Every once in a while if they have extra schoolwork or they’ve just had baseball and they’re just really tired, I’ll do it for them. But typically, they do that. And it’s because, around the ages that your older two kids are, we implemented, “You get something out, you need to pick it up.” I’ll help them if they need my help.

It’s basically disregarding the idea in toddlers’ heads. There’s this book called Happiest Toddler On The Block and it talks about how they’re like cavemen and they don’t know anything. When you have toddlers you have to say sentences like, “Please get your finger out of your nose while we’re at this restaurant.” You have to explain the basics. So, thinking of it like that…they just don’t know.

You’re basically having to untrain them to just make a mess and not care. You have to teach them like: “Okay, new thing is being introduced: When you make a mess, you need to be polite and help clean it up.”

It’s just a thing you have to spend your time on for a little bit.

But I’d like to encourage you, because you’re in such a cool time, but also such a hard time. This is not something that I made sure they followed through on every single time. I wasn’t a psycho about it. When you want something for your kids, it comes out of you for them. So, if you want your kids to be helpful when they make a mess, you’re going to be able to fight that urge to clean it up. Call them back and say, “Hey guys, this looks awesome. What did you guys do with this? Tell me what you were playing. That’s so fun. That’s so great! Okay, let’s clean it up though. We don’t want to just leave it out.”

Make it fun. I was never like, “Get over here!” You don’t have to be crazy about it. But when you make it fun, you just infuse that in your day. Of course, there were times when I was like, “Screw it. I’m just gonna clean it up. It’s fine.” But typically it was me saying: “Hey guys, come back. Remember? What do we do after you play with something?”

Make them learn that it’s just a part of their lifestyle. You’ve already done that with minimalism and toys and look at how your kids are.

CHRISTINA: Yeah, they’re so creative.

ALLIE: They don’t come to you saying, “I’m bored.” They know how to create, play, be innovative, and messy because that’s all they know. Eventually cleaning up after themselves will be all they know and it will just happen. It’s awesome and it’s so worth it. I think that you can start to do that.

Also, I don’t like this idea that people have: “Oh, having toddlers, is just messy. It just is what it is.”

When you’re living life and having fun, you let things go. But it doesn’t have to be like, “Oh I have toddlers so this is just a total crap show. It’s always messy. It’s always hard and I can’t wait for them to get older so I can have a clean house.”  That’s not a good mindset to carry.

But to some effect, when you have creative kids, they do get things out. They think the broom is a horse and they get it out and they play with it. It is to some extent part of it, but there’s no reason they can’t put the broom back when they’re done. There’s no reason that you should be running around putting things back by yourself anymore. You have the badge of honor that you have a 4-year-old and she can help put things away. That’s just what I did.

What might help you is implementing what I called: “the dinnertime pick-up alarm.” When I made dinner, I would set an alarm for 10 minutes or 5 minutes. You can gauge the amount of time your kids can handle at their ages. Again, super fun. No one’s in trouble here. We’re just doing our family thing and you say, “Guys, it’s time for our dinnertime pick-up dance party.” We would blast Taylor Swift and dance around.

Do you know about the laundry hamper trick? Have them pick up everything in the room and dump it in. It makes it easy because the laundry hamper can be pushed around on the floor by toddlers and they’re not having to go and put everything away. They’re just putting it in the hamper.

Then you can make the call. Sometimes I would just go through the house after bedtime and put everything in the laundry hamper where it goes. Sometimes I would have them help me. Definitely as they got older, like once Bella turned 6, it was her job. Go put this in whoever’s room it belongs in. If it was my flip flops she would put them on the floor in my room, which was at least more helpful than them being downstairs on the floor, under the table, or wherever. But yeah, make it fun.

I think that moms struggle because they’re exhausted and they don’t feel fun, so they don’t make things fun and normal life things feel like a punishment. And that’s when kids freak out. My son, Leland, has always been my harder one. He’d be grunting, stubborn, and saying, “I’m not going to do it.” All because I sounded like, “Guys what the heck? What is wrong with everybody? Why is it so messy? Pick up right now.”

But if you set a timer and play music, and you’re helping and just dancing around, and you say, “Look, let’s see who can put the stuff in the hamper the fastest.” How could they not want to? Toddlers love that.

Even if it was super fake and I was really annoyed and didn’t feel it, I still made it fun. It’s like a fake-it-till-you-make-it thing, because then you do eventually feel like that and the kids catch that and they like it.

Then that solves the problem that your house feels really messy and it’s all on you. If you implement that just every once in a while—having them clean up after themselves, reminding them, calling them back, and then you implement a nighttime pick-up party—then you’ve solved your problem.

And you can do that. It could be after every meal, you just say, “We just finished a meal. What do we do?”

CHRISTINA: That way it’s more often because I definitely need it at least three or four times a day.

ALLIE:  Yeah, you can do that whenever you want, five times a day, once a day, whatever. I think the key is to just make it fun. Infuse that into them and make them feel like, “Wow! You’re such a help to me.” You know when people feel valued—it doesn’t matter if they’re 3 or if they’re 90—if they feel valued, they want to show up for that.

There’s this marriage book that I read a long time ago. I think it was called For Women Only, and basically there was this section in there that changed my life and I’ve applied it to my marriage and everywhere else. It talked about when you want somebody to do something, telling them that they suck and they need to do better doesn’t do anything.

If you told your husband, “I just want you to know I think that you’re so romantic and you did this (insert small thing that wasn’t really romantic, but you’re just trying to praise him) and it just really made me feel loved and I felt really close to and I love you.” He’s going to notice that and respond by doing another romantic thing instead of you saying, “Why can’t you be romantic?” Do you see what I’m saying? Apply that to your kids. If you make them feel valued, make them feel like they’re so good at cleaning up, that’s going to make them want to be better at cleaning up instead of you nagging them.

CHRISTINA: That’s awesome. I love that. I use a lot of Wendy Snyder’s praises. I love her. And this morning I was asking my toddler—the second one, she’s 3-years-old—“Could you please put that up? And she was like, “Nope, I’m not doing it.”

So I said, “Oh my gosh, could you do it as fast as you can? I’m going to set the timer.” Then my 4-year-old came running in and she’s like, “Can I do it too, please?”

So, yeah, I need to remember to keep it fun because sometimes I’ll definitely be like, “Oh my gosh, why is this room such a mess?” You know?

ALLIE: Yeah, yeah. I just did that yesterday. I freaked out and I was like, “Wait, okay guys, sorry. It doesn’t matter how you’ve messed up today. It doesn’t make it okay for me to mess up and I just messed up and I yelled, and I’m sorry. Let’s just hit the reset button. Let’s clean up and then let’s go downstairs.”

We have this little jar of Hershey Kisses that are for Emmett when he goes potty in the toilet. And I was like, “Let’s clean up and let’s go downstairs and everyone can have a Hershey Kiss because I think we all need chocolate right now.” And they just laughed. It fixed the day.

I think shifting that perspective in yourself is so powerful. And you can also solve your problem. You don’t have to have “good moms don’t have sticky floors and messy whatever and it’s a crap show, but at least I’m having fun with my kids” mentality. You can have both.

CHRISTINA: It’s good to hear that you’re on the other side of that too. That’s awesome. I think one thing that they do really well now is they lay out their clothes and they get dressed in the morning. That took forever, but now they’re doing it on some level.

ALLIE: Amazing. Yeah, that’s amazing. It’s a little thing that trims our morning down a little bit. For me, my son Leland, has definitely been my tougher one. He’s weird about his socks and shoes. There couldn’t be any bumps. He would just take forever. So, I was thinking, ‘How can we fix this when we have to go in the morning?’ Having him try his socks on at night before bed. While I got Emmett’s teeth brushed and got Hudson in his pajamas, Leland’s working out his sock issues and then he lays them out and they’re ready for the next morning. He already knows that they are going to work and he’s happy with them. Those are mom hacks that you don’t think about because you’re drowning.

So, I know that you had a question about life transitions and routines and stuff.

CHRISTINA: I can read that one. How can you tell when it is time to transition to a new season of life and change up certain routines? I don’t want to stay stuck in my routines if they are not serving me.

I’m the kind of person who gets into a routine and can get a little lazy in that. For example, my baby, I’m nursing her at night and a lot of times I’ll bring her in the bed and snuggle her. She’s probably at that point where I can start getting up early again. She’s sleeping a little bit better, but I’m still stuck in that routine. She’s in the bed in the morning, so I’ll just sleep in. I’m enjoying that time with her. But I feel like a lot of times we start doing something that’s working for us and boom, it changes, you know? Like for you, putting your kids in school and then taking them out. I had such respect for that when I listened to that episode where it’s okay to change your mind. You know? If it’s not working for your family, you don’t have to follow through with it.

So just do you have any examples or tips there?

ALLIE: You like that time. You don’t seem ready. I don’t know if everyone has this. I talked to a few friends about it and they all agreed so, I don’t know if it’s a mom-thing for everybody, but when I was nursing, I really enjoyed it. My other two babies had issues and they wouldn’t nurse. So, when Hudson and Emmett nursed, I just held onto that and it was so sweet for me. Emmett nursed for a really long time. He nursed for almost two years and Hudson nursed for nine months. And at the end of both of those journeys I started to feel different about it. My skin would kind of crawl and I would just kind of be like, “Oh. Ugh, we have to sit down and nurse.”

I feel like it’s God’s way of getting our bodies ready. It’s like at the end of the pregnancy you’re like, look, I don’t care how much it hurts, get out of me. It’s like your mother’s natural way of closing a season off. I think it’s beautiful, and I think it’s really, really beneficial when your life allows you to make decisions based on that. And you don’t have to go and do something else and stop when you’re not ready. So, you don’t seem ready. Enjoy that. Snuggle her. Sleep in a little bit. Enjoy that sweet time and look for other ways in your life that you could fit things in. Unless you’re Type A and you just love routine. I’m not, and being really rigid makes me feel super trapped.

But the fact is, spontaneous or not, the laundry has to get washed, the dishes have to get run, meals have to be cooked, things have to move forward for our houses to run smoothly and for our families to be taken care of.

So, in our family that role is split now between Brian and I. But before it wasn’t. It was on me. And so, those are what should be routine. What are the things that absolutely must happen for you guys to function well? Don’t put things that are an ideal in your routine right now. Just enjoy sleeping in with your baby girl. Soak up that time and then just know, okay after that I get the girls breakfast, then I put a load of laundry in,  and that’s my morning routine. Whatever it is.

The way you know that it’s time to switch transitions and bring in a new routine or let go of an old one is when you’re like that nursing-skin-crawling-feeling, so to speak, in your life. It should serve you and you can tell when something is serving you versus when it’s really inconvenient. You know that feeling when you just feel like everything is just a mess and you feel like, man I need to get my ish together… Like now…This is just not working?

But it depends on your life season where that routine goes. If you feel like that, but you love that snuggle time in the morning and you don’t have to be at work at 9:00 AM or you don’t have anything, you can fit in your morning routine somewhere else. Make it work for your life. It should feel good. Maybe you snuggle with your baby girl in the morning but at nap time instead of watching Netflix, you first switch the laundry and run the dishwasher, then you veg out and watch Netflix. You can fit it in wherever it works for you right now. It should make you feel like, “Oh that’s good, that’s really good.” It shouldn’t make you feel like, “Oh man, I have to get up. I have to.” Unless you’re a working mom and you’ve got to get up and go. That’s a different story.

CHRISTINA: Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. And I think you’re right. I feel to be productive, I need to get up at 5:00 AM, get all my meditation and blah, blah, blah. But I do get that stuff in. I just don’t do it super early. I think you’re right. It feels good right now, and I’m enjoying her.

ALLIE: I didn’t even start doing a super early morning routine until I started getting up early and working on my business when Emmett was one—because that was our story. That’s when the idea hit me. That’s when it needed to happen. But with all my other kids, I didn’t do early morning things until they were two. I think people look now and my youngest is 4 ½; That’s why I get up at 5:00 and go exercise, then come home and meditate, and have a good time with my family. It seems so easy and smooth now because I have no babies. Just know your season.

 


Hey friend!  It’s Allie! Have you heard of the Supermom Vault yet?

The Supermom Vault is a library of inspiration I created for you.  It holds replays of my very best online workshops that aren’t available anywhere else, tons of really actionable pdf’s that are downloadable with just one click, more than 20 audio and video trainings from me, and professionally designed printables for your home to keep you focused and inspired.

The Supermom Vault is only $39.00 and is available at alliecasazza.com/allcourses.

Check it out!  It’s a really good simple start.

Want more inspiration than just the podcast? Do you wish there were more episodes?  Want more details? Do you want videos? Do you want pdf’s? Do you want to download things and get your hands on something to really get you started when it comes to minimalism and simplifying your motherhood?

This is definitely the place to go!

Check it out!  Alliecasazza.com/allcourses

 


CHRISTINA: Okay, now my next question is: What is your go to self-care when you’re just feeling done? What’s something you do that helps?

ALLIE: Do you want something that you can bring your kids to? Or something where you’re leaving and getting away?

CHRISTINA: How about one of each?

ALLIE: Okay. So, for myself, I could have no makeup on, have my hair in a topknot because it hasn’t been washed in six days, but if I have a manicure, I feel on top of the world. So, I always have my nails painted and pretty fresh because it makes me feel so good. Maybe think of something like that.

I feel like as women, if we feel good physically then it transfers. If you feel like crap (just getting real here: you’ve got no bra, sweaty under boob and you’re feeling like you’re gross), then you feel gross.

What’s the one thing that just makes you feel really, really good? I have a friend who’s a little more high maintenance than me and she really loves facials. And so, she found a place to get a cheap organic facial and she goes every week on Wednesday morning. And that’s her thing.

It could be like that or it could be less extreme. Going for a drive, getting yourself a chai tea latte—or whatever vice it is—and just going for a drive by yourself.

Then with the kids, I’ve switched back and forth between two things. We live in California, so the weather isn’t really something I have to worry about. So, when we’re having a day where homeschooling isn’t clicking, everyone’s just pissy and bickering, I’m done, I’m yelling, I’m not who I want to be, then it’s time to get out of there. You need a change of scenery.

If it was raining or cold, we would take a drive. I would buckle the kids up. There’s something magical about your kids being stuck in their car seats when they’re driving you crazy. We would just listen to the music and just relax.

Then the other thing we would do, which was my favorite thing, which you might’ve heard me say before, is, I would get my headphones, get my phone, pack the kids up, get them all ready to go and take them to the park. There was this one park where there was a playground and a little sidewalk to walk around. It wasn’t really wide, but it went right around the playground so I could see them wherever I was. I would just put my headphones in and watch my kids play and listen to a podcast, something that encouraged me.

CHRISTINA: Yeah, like The Purpose Show?

ALLIE: What is the issue? Did you have a fight with your husband and you feel like you’re having a crappy day? Listen to a marriage podcast. Are you struggling with one of your strong-willed kids? Listen to a parenting podcast.

Or maybe you need to exit the arena of whatever is causing stress that day, then don’t listen to that. Listen to something for yourself. Get something in your head because words are powerful and when you’re having a bad day and you put positive words literally in your head, you’re going to leave that park different and your kids got their energy out. We would blow off nap time and just go whenever we needed to. And even if it was like 20 minutes, it changed the feel of the day.

CHRISTINA: Yeah, I love that. I do that. We have bad weather right now, but I’ll just go to like Chick-fil-a if I can or an indoor playground. But yeah. I definitely use the podcast thing, but it’s always you. Why are you doing one podcast a week? Please up it.

ALLIE: Good, that’s what it’s there for.

CHRISTINA: Okay. That was very helpful. Thank you.

Okay, so my last question is: What would you say has been the biggest impact of studying the Enneagram on yourself, your husband, and your kids? I am fascinated by the Enneagram. Yeah, I think I’m a 9.

ALLIE: Are you? They’re all great, but there are certain ones that I think I just kind of vibe with more because of my personality. It was funny because I’m such a dork. We were having a get-together at our house and I basically made everyone pick what they were on the Enneagram. I just wanted to know. All of my friends are like 2’s or 9’s. I think the biggest impact was marital for me.

I know I’ve shared about this on the podcast and it’s repetitive, but I always could cry when I talk about it because I just felt so excluded all the time. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I didn’t always fit in the mom circles. Like can we talk about something other than what Sippy Cup doesn’t leak? I didn’t get along with a lot of moms. I wanted to talk about marketing and blogging.

CHRISTINA: You’re passionate. You’re fiery.

ALLIE: Yeah. I’m super blunt and my sarcastic sense of humor would sometimes not go over well. I didn’t fit in the business industry because they’re all like, “Oh, where do you summer?” And I’m like, “I don’t. I have a million kids.” I always felt my whole life, even as a kid, like I didn’t belong anywhere and like I always needed to tone it down. “Relax” was basically the message that I got all the time from everyone.

And the Enneagram showed me, when I figured out that I was an 8 and I looked at what that meant, it was like my identity and who God made me to be. It was like a light was shone on it. I just cried. I felt so at peace and like, “Oh my gosh! It makes sense why I would take something basic and have to run with it and do way more than anyone else thought I would do with it because I’m passionate about it.

Especially being a woman and being an 8, when Brian and I would have friends, couple friends and stuff, the husband never liked me. They always seemed irritated or intimidated by me. I noticed that even being a teenager, and then especially after I started my business and our friends would see things online about the success of the business. Relationships changed. I never got along with my friends’ husbands; they just wouldn’t like me.

And so, the Enneagram helped me see that I’m just super driven. I’m made to be an entrepreneur. I’m just powerful, confident, fiery, and blunt. That doesn’t mean that it’s an excuse to be rude or anything, but it’s helpful to know yourself. Then knowing that and then seeing that Brian is a 2, we have always felt like we were the opposite of what we needed to be. I learned that it’s not that. It’s actually that we’re just the opposite of tradition, and the traditional roles we were in almost split us up and they caused so much unfulfillment, drama, and just fighting.

And so, when I took the Enneagram, it really helped me step into my role and who I am. No matter who that threatens and no matter what other moms think about that. For Brian, he was like, “This is crazy. I’m literally designed to be a support. And I love supporting you, but I always felt weird about it. Like, am I nuts? Am I doing something wrong? Am I supposed to be the provider? What’s going on?” So that was really liberating for us.

With my kids, I feel like I’m still figuring them out. I couldn’t say that I know what all their numbers are right now. But I’m aware of the different attributes of the Enneagram and the different personality types and it’s helped me see those in them and in my parents and siblings.

I have three siblings, so you know, those relationships are sometimes weird. I’m really close with one of my brothers, but my other two I’m like, “I need to figure you out. Are you being really rude or what’s your problem?” The communication there, you know? And so, it’s helped me see there’s not somebody that’s wrong and somebody that’s right. There’s not somebody that’s annoying and somebody that’s funny. It’s just a personality thing. It’s been really liberating in that way.

CHRISTINA: That’s awesome. I think for me, my husband and I are kind of like the more traditional roles. He is a 3. Which one is the achiever? 3 or 6? I don’t remember. He really works on his image and has to be very successful. It really means a lot to him. And I’m more or less like, “Just let’s not fight. Everybody get along.” You know, the peacemaker. So yeah, for us it is a little bit more traditional, but I love how you embrace what you are.

It’s sad that the world hasn’t come to that yet. I feel like in this age we should be at a point where we’re accepting each other. I think that your accepting that about yourself is just awesome. Especially Brian, who is just so sweet. I just love him. He’s so cute. I love you guys.

ALLIE: He’s so funny when he does the podcast. I always say, “You don’t have to be on anything. I never want you to feel like you have to.” And he’s always like, “Oh no, I really want to.” He’ll come to me with ideas and then we sit down to do it. I always have my hand on his knee and I can feel him tensing up, and we have to do seven takes in the beginning of the episode. He’s like, “Okay, I got it now.” And then we’ll just go with it and totally flow and the episode is great. But it’s so funny to me because he seems so nervous and tense and I’m like, “You don’t have to be on here.” He’s always like, “I’m just thinking about all those people listening.” And I’m like, “Why would you think about that? I never think about that. I just do my thing.”

It’s just funny that you can be so different, but you can still show up in the same way. He can still show up and serve people, it’s just different. It doesn’t take him one take with no mess ups, like it does me. It’s cool to learn how to be patient with each other’s quirks and stuff.

CHRISTINA: Yeah. That’s awesome. That’s the last question I have.

ALLIE: That’s the last one on the list. I try not to look at every single thing that’s typed up because I don’t want to come in pre-prepped, but it’s helpful in case people don’t show up or whatever. But I saw the topics that you picked and I was like, “Oh! This is going to be so good!” And I was really excited.

Thank you for caring, listening to the show, and showing up with amazing questions. You are just such a light. You are. You’re just doing a great job. You’re beautiful, shiny, bright, and amazing. You’re inspiring to me. So just know that.

CHRISTINA: Thank you. I wish you could see how many women that your life has touched.

I mean I’m sure you see it in some aspects, but there’s a lot of women where I share your message and they’re constantly messaging me like, “Oh my gosh! This is changing my life. I’m actually scheduling time to get down on the floor and play with my kids.”

I’m your biggest fan. I share you all the time. Your messages are just so good. It’s so good. It’s so important that this message gets out there because there are just so many moms that look at each other and they go, “Oh, that’s just how life is. It just sucks. It’s always a mess. Your kids are always going to be either in a pile of crap or you’re going to suffer cleaning all day long.”

ALLIE: There’s a lot of shame in being a total mess mom, and there’s also another level of shame in not being that. Not that I have it all together. There’s always something that’s kind of dropped off. If I’m killing it at the business one day, then my house is a little messy. If I’m killing it at motherhood then, in the business some things didn’t get done. There’s always a balance, but I think there’s a different level of shame that comes in when you are doing well and loving it. There’s shame in that and it’s awful.

CHRISTINA: It is awful. How do you respond to them? I mean I know that’s your business, that’s your heart. But for people who follow you, and we want to share this and want to share you. Usually I’m just like, “Okay, there’s this girl named Allie…”

I’m the peacemaker and I don’t want to rile people up. But when I see these people posting, a lot of times on social media, things like: “My house is a crap mess.” I hesitate to comment because I don’t want to shame them. I want them to see that there’s a light, but I also don’t want to make myself look like I’m better than them or anything. What would you suggest if you see people posting things like that? Even if they are asking for help, what’s a good way to say that this message is out there, without being rude and without shaming them?

ALLIE: Yeah, I understand that because that’s my job. I love marketing so much, but it is so hard to figure out the marketing message behind what I do without coming across as preachy. I can’t even tell you how many hours and hours and hours Brian and I have poured into it. Especially him being a guy, he’ll say, “Why don’t you just say this?” And I’m like, “Okay, if I said that—that was a guy thing to say because I would never get a follower again.”

It’s very hard to say, “I can help you,” without it sounding like, “because I’m better than you.” And that is not my heart at all. What I would say and what I’ve been doing is thinking about it like it’s a story that you’re telling and you’ve been there. You’ve stood where they’re standing and you came out of it. Come at it with that heart, like you’re doing them a service by telling them, “Oh my gosh, yes! I could have posted a picture just like this times 10 last year. Have you ever heard of (whatever)? It’s been such a lifesaver for me.”

I always try to say, “I’m not going to preach at you. I’m not gonna tell you exactly what to do, but rather just help you shift your perspective so you can figure it out yourself.” That’s just how I’ve done it. Tell a story that started exactly in that photo: “That was my photo and now it’s not, and it doesn’t have to stay that way.” Rather than, “You should…” Never say “should.”

You know what really breaks my heart too, is when I get tagged in something and it’s something like that. I wish there was a way to remove that tag. I do not want to be associated with: “You should look at Allie. You can be way better than this. She’ll just help you.” No. That is not what I do. I hate it.

It’s a problem and, especially, I think, mothers are very protective over their role and what they’re doing, and it can feel convicting because of what’s within their own selves. So you can’t control that. But I think if you can look at the comment and you’re like, “This isn’t preachy. This is funny and relatable and I’ve stood where you stood,” and it’s helpful, then it’s a green light, you know?

CHRISTINA: Yeah. Awesome.

ALLIE: Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. I’m so happy that you’re here. Really. This was so good and you’re just amazing. I’m really thankful for you taking the time away from your kids to talk to me and help the ladies that are going to watch this later and that are watching right now. Thank you so much.

CHRISTINA: Thank you so much for having me. I just want to say to anybody listening that hasn’t been down the journey before, it’s so, so, so worth the work. Get one of Allie’s courses. Anything she has is amazing and it changes your life. So yeah. Team Allie!

ALLIE: Thank you Christina. I just adore you. I will talk to you later.

 


This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend! See ya next time!

 

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