Ep 150: No More Needing Approval with Susie Moore

I’m so excited for you guys to hear this conversation. Susie Moore is an amazing life coach and a beautiful friend of mine. She just wrote a book called Stop Checking Your Likes and it is all about removing the need for approval and living the life you are called to live despite judgment, despite what people are going to say and think about it. Her message is so amazing and so strong, and I’m so happy to have her on the show. Let’s jump in!

 

 

 

 

In This Episode Allie and Susie Discuss:

  • Susie’s book, Stop Checking Your Likes 
  • How our need for other people’s permission and approval holds us back

  • Real confidence

  • Responding to hate and criticism

  • Reframing Rejection

  • Good excuses are still excuses

 

Mentioned in this Episode:

Instagram

Courses (Use the code PURPOSESHOW for 10% off!)

The Purpose Show Facebook Community

Stop Checking Your Likes

Susie’s website



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If you have a question, comment or a suggestion about today’s episode, or the podcast in general, send me an email at hello@alliecasazza.com or connect with me over on Facebook & Instagram


Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to. I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days. I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it. Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and I know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.

ALLIE: Hey, it’s on, say, “Hi!” 

EMMETT: “Hi!”  

ALLIE: Hey friends! I’m sitting in my bedroom closet on the floor with Emmett and we have a very special guest today. Susie Moore is actually a friend of mine. I just love her. She has the best job in the world. She helps people with business and press, and shaking off the need for approval is really her thing. She’s amazing. I’m so happy to have her on the show today. 

We were in a Mastermind together in 2017 and that’s how we met, and we’ve stayed connected. I adore her. Her message is so amazing, so strong. 

She just wrote a book called Stop Checking Your Likes and it is all about removing the need for approval and living the life you are called to live despite judgment, despite what people are going to say and think about it. 

We just wrapped up our conversation and Emmett came in to join me for recording the intro. Say, “Enjoy listening.” 

Emmett: “Enjoy listening!”

SUSIE: Hi Allie! How are you? It’s so good to see you!

ALLIE: It’s so good to see you too! I’m so excited for you! So tell me about your book tour with all of the stuff that’s going on. How has everything been going?

SUSIE: Well, everything’s just shifted, right? I guess you got to roll with the punches. It’s out on Tuesday next week. I certainly expected this to be a different time, being in New York right now, doing press, et cetera. But I’m doing what I can virtually, focusing on what I can control, which is my reach out, the flexibility that I have essentially. What else can I do?

ALLIE: I was talking to an author friend the other day and her book came out like last week, and she was like, “Honestly I think in-person book tours have been overrated for a while. Everyone is panicking for me, but it’s all virtual now and this is the convenience that we’re supposed to always have, that we go to Hallmark Home & Family and things like that because it’s extra and it’s fun, but it’s not really essential anymore.”

SUSIE: Yeah, I feel like it’s not essential unless you’re a very, very well-known author and you attract big crowds, you know? And then maybe it’s part of even a bigger experience, but if you don’t, it’s okay. 

ALLIE: Yeah, totally.

SUSIE: And your book’s coming out at some point, right?

ALLIE: I just finished the whole process of going through getting offers, picking a publisher. I went with Harper Collins, the Nelson Division. They had the best offer all around. They showed up the most for me. They are the most aligned with how I want things to go. And I loved who my editor will be. It was a gut thing.

SUSIE: Yeah. I’m so happy for you! That’s wonderful! Congrats.

ALLIE: Thank you! I’ve been writing; I say this stuff a million times a week so I know what to write and I’ve already started, but now I’ll be starting the actual process and all that good stuff.

SUSIE: Thank you for having me, Allie. I could just feel your support. 

ALLIE: Yeah. I’m really excited for you. I was so happy to get your email a couple of months ago. I knew this was coming for you, but I’m so excited for you! You talk about such a wide range of things. I see you talking about getting and doing press and these more business topics, but you have so much heart behind it. I think it’s really unique and I really love the way you speak.

So I’m excited for everyone to get their hands on this and I hope that I can do my part and help that happen for you.

SUSIE: Oh my gosh, you absolutely are! Thank you Allie.

ALLIE: I’m imagining with what’s in this book, it seems like you went on some kind of process or journey internally to come up with this. You are so passionate, clearly, about sharing this stuff with people and it’s such a needed time. I can go on and on and on, but tell me about what brought you to even writing this.

SUSIE: Yes. I would say that creating this book has really taken a lifetime of lessons. I have read so many self-help books. I’ve written about this from reading over 500 self-help books, what are the lessons that I’ve distilled? I feel as if, more than ever, it’s important to share that we don’t need other people’s permission and approval to do what it is that we want. We just simply don’t need it, but that’s how we live and it’s not always conscious.

Often we think that the fear of failure, the fear of making a mistake, that’s what’s holding us back. But what I’ve come to realize is that it’s not only the fear of the failure that will hurt us – we know that at our core – but the thing that scares us is the judgment we’re worried about receiving from other people. I feel if we could put that judgment in perspective and understand that us being allowed to self-approve to make our inner “like” button a little bit louder, is not only available to us, but if we choose it, our lives can change dramatically even if we dial it up just a little bit.

ALLIE: I love that. I think that I understand and I know the people listening are like, “Yeah, that’s so true, but what does it look like in day-to-day life when you’re wanting to share something online? I think for me as a business owner and a person of some influence, I am thinking about that, but everyone has influence. Even if you just have friends, coworkers, and family following you, what you share is getting in front of them and impacts them. So for everyone, what does it look like when you want to share something? You want to be vocal about something? You want to share your heart, you want to share your passion? But you know, inevitably, people are going to push back, find a hole in the process or a gap in what you said. What does it look like practically to deal with those fears?

SUSIE: First of all, it’s extremely common. So I would say no matter, like you said, everyone has influence, no matter if you have just a few followers or if you have loads of followers. I think we always imagine what the impact is going to be, what our response is going to be and that’s okay, right? There’s nothing wrong with doing that. I think the only time when it can get a little bit tricky is when that then stops us from doing something or completely makes us shift into doing something that doesn’t really sound or feel like us. And we know because it doesn’t feel exciting, it doesn’t feel brave. It feels kind of safe and we know we’re holding back. It sounds serious, but maybe on some level we’re kind of betraying what it is that we really want to convey and who we are.

An exercise I love to do is when I look at really anyone’s life with them – their home, their social media, their business, their family life – to think how much of this, how much of that before me was really my idea? How much of the content I create and what I put out there was really my idea and inspired by my own inner guidance versus responding, being influenced by other people? And it’s interesting because I think if you can question your beliefs, what is it you’ve created and what you put out there, if you can question the origin and how much of it is really inspired by you, you’re one of the top 10% of people. Most people never do this Allie, right? They are just doing it, thinking that this is life, this is how it is, how it must be. And it’s like, is that true? Is that a fact in a lot of cases? 

And when it comes to something as simple as creating a social media post, you often know what you want to say, but it’s that filter of, “Hmm, what’s the outcome going to be,” and then assessing whether or not it’s going to be worth it for you. 

Sometimes in the short term the pain or fear feels big, but in the long term what are you sacrificing? And in order to be remarkable, you need to be remarked upon. And probably, I’m guessing, anybody who you follow, who is successful, who has a lot of influence, who has a little bit of attention, good or bad, they have a little criticism. It’s part of it. It’s something that we sign up for when we’re willing to be ourselves.

ALLIE: I was watching the Taylor Swift documentary. Have you watched it?

SUSIE: Yes, yes, yes.

ALLIE: I just love her. 

Being vulnerable here and sharing where I’m currently at with this topic, I’m in the part of the book process where I’m going to be writing, going to be working on the back-end stuff, and the message that goes into the book before all the other stuff that’s promotion, marketing, re-editing and all that stuff, and I’m thinking, “Oh my gosh, I know that this book is going to be a bestseller.” I know it, but as soon as I do that, I get this fear, this panic. I think about women that I have watched go before me, even in my niche, that have just been rammed by criticism. And I mean almost in this abusive way on Buzzfeed and social media, just thrown in the mud and their face shoved in it like ‘make sure you’re down,’ you know? And it scares me. 

I was watching the Taylor Swift documentary and there was a part where she said something, it might’ve even been in an interview, I might be confusing things, but it was definitely her. And somebody asked her, “How do you deal with what you go through?” Because if anyone goes through this on an astronomical level, it’s Taylor Swift, right?

SUSIE: Yes, a real public figure, yes.

ALLIE:  In real life. And I remember she’s like, “I take a deep breath and I remember this is normal. This is part of it. This is the con of all the pros I experience.” And I thought that was oversimplified but really brilliant. It is normal. I don’t even know what my question is for you, but I’m pulling something out of myself because I find myself hearing that and thinking, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is normal. It is normal.” But that peace fades very quickly and it immediately goes back to, “But what if they say something that’s true? What if they see a fly in my method? What if the way that I help women lighten their load and simplify is not as good as this other person, or him or her, or what if my privilege is showing and I say something the wrong way?” There’s just so much pressure. What would you say to all of that when that fear is so real and there’s truth to it? How do you keep going and you speak what’s true for you knowing that there are flaws when everyone else is so harsh?

SUSIE: I’m so happy you’re bringing this up, Allie, on your podcast, being very honest about what it is you’re worrying about, people finding flaws in your method, people having a lot to say. It is ugly out there sometimes. 

ALLIE: Absolutely. It is real. 

SUSIE: The way that I look at it, and this is simplified and I know that you like simple, it is essentially the fact that I understand what real confidence is. I think that we get confidence wrong so much, Allie. We think that it’s being a great speaker, being charismatic, always getting things right, but it’s actually quieter than that. And it’s almost even harder than that in a way.

Confidence is simply the willingness to experience negative emotion. So, in the face of all the potential criticism that’s going to be coming with your bestselling book, and it will, expect it. Because no one does anything great without a lot of opinions. There are no exceptions to this. Be willing to do it anyway.

As human beings, so many of us will do anything to avoid pain. We will never write the book, never start the podcast, never write an article, never ask somebody out, make a connection. We will do anything. We’ll engineer these very small lives to avoid any pain. 

And this isn’t the point, right? To make it through life unscathed. “Oh wait, no one hurt me… winning.” So if you can think, “look, yes, I will get criticized, rejected, humiliated, whatever the worst thing is that can happen,” knowing that those emotions are temporary, they move through the body the same way that positive emotions do – it’s all fleeting, all temporary – and being willing to still do the thing, that’s what makes a courageous, confident person.  That’s it. And you know what, Allie, after your book there’ll be something else and then something else and then something else. 

So the only thing is to choose the hard thing, to consciously choose the hard thing, and not think, “Oh, it will just be so easy. It won’t affect me.” You can do your best. It will hurt, right? There’ll be some hurtful things that happen. You can expect that, know that, allow that, and still be okay. It won’t kill you. Someone’s not going to slap you in the face with their criticism. You’ll be okay. Someone might say something really, really mean.

In my book I shared that somebody said on YouTube that I look like a man, or I’ve been called all sorts of evil things when I wrote about being divorced in my twenties, a lot of comments, a lot of opinions about that. And the thing that I’m most proud of is the fact I still write and I still do the things that really open me up to whatever it is.

I’m allowed to have an opinion, right, which is why we create, because we are sharing our opinions and our perspective of the world and other people are allowed not to like it, right?

ALLIE: Right. If I have freedom to share, you have freedom to be like, “I disagree.” I wish in a perfect world that all of these exchanges would be respectful, but they’re just not. 

SUSIE: I think about it too. In A Course In Miracles it says, “Every single action that we take is either a demonstration of love or a call for love.” And if somebody is criticizing you, how are they feeling? Where does that come from? Are you criticizing someone when you feel great?

ALLIE: No, it’s negative coming from negative. 

SUSIE:  There could be no exceptions, right? It doesn’t feel like it at the time, but it’s actually a call for compassion. I keep that in mind if somebody is criticizing me and they didn’t even say who they are, then that person actually deserves some love. I don’t have to go and take care of them, but I can just say, “okay, forgive and delete.” Or don’t delete, keep it there so everyone else can see it and maybe that’ll give them some strength to keep creating too.

ALLIE: Yeah, I love that. Well that’s perfect that you’ve finished that sentence because I want to know, what are the different ways, because I know there’s not going to be just one flat way, but what are the different ways that you choose to respond to specifically internet hate? And I don’t know if that is similar to like in real life?

I would love to hear some responses from you to just the ridiculous, very hurtful comments. I think the worst ones are where the person didn’t even read my post and they’re just slewing hate at me and now other people can see it. They’re starting a wildfire and they didn’t even take the time to read the thing. Or they’ve been hanging around for a while, they know stuff about me, and they used that to hurt me in a very real place. Those are the ones that are the hardest for me. So, I would just love to hear some ways that you deal with this hate.

SUSIE: I love this question because I have only one response, which is no response. And do you know what I remember? This is from the Bible. Jesus responded to his critics with not a word. 

ALLIE: Yeah, that was his favorite thing to do. Literally just silence, walking away, or drawing a line in the sand or something weird, and then just walking out.

SUSIE: Think about it, Allie, right? We kind of want to set people straight, right? It’d be like, “You don’t know the facts.” People aren’t reading, the people that are slewing hate. The way that I think about it is, “I have nothing to prove or defend. Nothing.” And in our defenselessness that’s where our safety is, right? Because otherwise we’re in this energetic place. I’m not getting into that exchange. I’m not playing that game. 

We know when there’s loving feedback, right? And often it’s from somebody who’s around our level, maybe even a bit farther ahead, giving an addition or maybe giving a comment that feels completely different, and we know when that is, but everything else – nothing, Allie. Not a peep. Zero. Nada. No exceptions. And how wonderful because I have nothing to think about. We only get a certain amount of emotional energy per day so I’ve got a lot of important things to do and so have you. 

I love your “out of office” email response. It’s like, “please give me some time to respond. I have a thousand kids.” I only have a thousand kids – you’ve got no time to respond to hate. 

ALLIE: So many better things to do with my mental energy. 

SUSIE: Yeah. Clean my oven. I’d rather clean my oven, you know?

ALLIE: Same. 

SUSIE: So, not a word. That’s what I’ve taken from Jesus there, Allie, is there a better source?

ALLIE: No, I don’t think there is. Just literal. I always read those parts in the Bible and just laugh because imagining it in a social setting and literally just walking away is so powerful and funny and I love it. I love that you brought that up. And I love that that is your response to hate.

On social media specifically, there’s a difference between just completely throwing hate and having a problem. Yesterday I got a comment, which this is one of the most common comments that I get, and this one I do respond to because of my beliefs about women and feminism. But I’ll get a comment if I say, “Hey, mom’s, let’s simplify or go through your house, you’ll feel better,” or whatever. “It’s not just mom’s, why do women have to do everything?” That’s the main thing. And I always respond, “It’s not just women, it’s men too, but that’s not who I’m here to serve. That’s not who makes my heart beat. I don’t want to deal with men and dads. That’s not my passion. That’s not my business. Would you go to the almond milk people and be like, ‘I’m allergic to almonds, you’re excluding me?’” No! Almond milk is for people that drink almond milk. And if you don’t drink almond milk, don’t get the almond milk. You know what I mean? 

I think there’s some times where it’s not really hate, it’s just confusion or trying to find a problem. And I want people to see that. I know that person that commented is probably not going to come back and read it because they’re just there to ruffle feathers, but the other people that see that, I want them to see like, “No! I’m a strong woman. I’m a feminist. I am the breadwinner. I’m a business owner. I’m an empire builder. But there are women, myself included, who have homes and who have stress in those homes and want to not feel that anymore. Plain and simple, you know? 

SUSIE: I feel like too, Allie, you are a real stop-checking-your-likes woman. I’ve always had this feeling from you, but you…you kind of do what’s right for you. You know who you are. I remember one time when we were together in LA, we were meant to do something after dinner, an activity together, and you’re like, “Yeah, I’m not going. I’m tired.” And I was like, “Oh, we have to go. I think we have to go.” And you were like, “I’m not going.” It was loving how you were doing it. You’re just taking care of yourself as you should. So, I feel like you kind of already embody this stop-checking-your-likes. The way that you run your business, the way that you say motherhood isn’t servitude.

I remember you saying that to me. I just remember thinking, “Yes, yes!” This is exactly an example of not doing things the way that we’re taught, inheriting beliefs from other generations, doing it in the kind of complicated, don’t-worry-about-me kind of way, selfless is the goal. I think that you’re a really good example of this and it’s wonderful to observe. And of course people are going to have opinions, and probably it’s quite confronting for some people who are looking at you and they’re like, “Ooh, well who does she think she is?” You’re a woman who’s unconcerned with what other people think because you’re focusing on what it is that really is going to matter to you, your family, and with the contribution that you’re making in your own unique way. 

It’s a joy. And remember, it’s a highly generous act to be successful because we need real-life role models. There’s nothing negative. You’re not taking. When you’re an example of what freedom is, what your power is, being an empire builder is, that’s what we need. That’s who we learn from. People have opinions and that’s okay. They are welcome to those, but often it’s because secretly they probably want a little bit of what you’ve got. 

ALLIE: Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s a good reminder for everybody. 

There’s a section in the book, it was called something like, “Be willing to fall deeply in love with rejection.” Can you talk about that and what that means? I want to hear from you on that because I think it’s a brilliant chapter title and idea. 

SUSIE: Yes. I mean, what is rejection really right? Often it’s this thing that we feel like, “Oh I’ll do anything not to be rejected.” It’s almost like we would suffer, sweat, and walk through the desert to avoid being rejected, right? And rejection in more cases than not is just an illusion, right? 

If you think about, for example, how you reject other people, maybe people reach out to you, they want to be on your podcast, they want to do business with you, are you personally thinking, “No, that person  is obnoxious, I would never do that.” Or is it often just not the right timing or just currently not the right fit? 

ALLIE: It’s always that.

SUSIE: Always! And yet to the recipient of the rejection, it’s like, “Oh, I’m worthless. This just goes to show exactly how nothing my existence is.”

ALLIE: “My business is not valid.”

SUSIE: Yes! And then we have a whole story around someone who’s frankly just trying to not burn the chicken and pay the Visa bill, right? It’s focused on something else, doing something else, but we take it so personally, which is our ego at its worst, right? At its most overactive. And it’s funny because it will have us believe the opposite, because we’ll think, “Oh, you know, I’m not that good. What about me? My worthiness is just, you know, it’s really zero.” If we could, even for a moment, realize that people aren’t obsessed with rejecting us. It’s not like the world is so evil that every opportunity to get rejected it’s going to happen because the world’s against us.

I feel as if when we take something as rejection and that’s how we frame it and receive it, it’s because we’re rejecting ourselves and we’re always looking for evidence that we’re being rejected because it matches our story.

And the same thing, the same experience, can happen to two people – getting dumped, getting turned down for a pitch, getting cut out of some type of business project, whatever it is – and the responses will be utterly different based on that person’s self-opinion. That’s it. Rejection is really nothing. It’s just an interpretation. I was doing some media just this morning and I had a rejection and I’m like, “Okay, great. This isn’t the right message for Glamour right now. That’s cool. I’m going to have a different idea for them.”

It’s not all about you and the world hating you and even the world thinking about you. We’re all just kind of trying to get by, obsessed with ourselves, doing a lot of our own things, and when we can put rejection in its place and know that it’s, in so many cases, not even real, it’s just something that you’re making a decision about, then it’s pretty freeing what you can do. What could you do if rejection wasn’t even possible for you? You’d go big. You would think big in lots of ways.

ALLIE: Even as you’re saying this, I find myself looking up because my brain is turning on and my mind is opening up because I have been in this place…I know we tried to get our paths to cross earlier and it kept not working out. Obviously, I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe everything is divine. Everything is right as it should be with what’s happening and when things happen. And I feel like this moment I have been so riddled with anxiety over what I shared with you. I don’t want to resist that success. I don’t want to sabotage being on the bestseller list everywhere because that’s what I’ve wanted for so long and I know that is my destiny and I don’t want to sabotage it because of this fear.

And here you are, with this book, with this message, having this conversation, and so when you say, “What if rejection had a totally different meaning and you just didn’t worry about it, you just did whatever you wanted anyway,” I can feel that opening up in me like, “I would be more of what I am. I would go live more. I would write different emails. I would open up and not care.” It’s so crazy. I didn’t even realize how I was living under that spell until you just said that. It’s crazy because I feel like I’m a pretty bold person, but maybe even more so if this is removed, you know? I feel like I wasn’t thinking about that before.

SUSIE: Well if bold Allie is already doing all the things and if you remove this limit, this self-imposed limit of rejection that keeps us feeling a little bit unsafe so we don’t do the things, then, “What, girl? Where will you be?” It’s very exciting and our lives are so fleeting. We only have a fixed amount of time. We don’t know how long it is, right? And if you have this big contribution, this big ambition, this deep calling of your soul, nobody understands it but you. Nobody knows it’s inside of you. Not your husband, not your mother, not your best friend. They support us, they know us, but only we know what’s really inside of us. This goes for everybody, right?

ALLIE: Yeah, only we can feel how big that fire is burning.

SUSIE: Yes. And if you have that inclination and ambition, it’s because it’s waiting for you. It’s already done. You just have to let it in. You just have to allow the things to be. And whenever you find a message or a quote or a statement that someone makes that agrees with you, it’s because your inner being knows that it’s true for you. And that’s great. 

You don’t have to pay attention to what doesn’t make sense to you, but for what does make sense, listen and know that you’re being supported all the time. And I definitely don’t believe in coincidences either.

ALLIE: Yeah. Good. 

This morning I was doing a live while I was doing my makeup and we were just hanging out because quarantine life and we all needed interaction. We were just hanging out, talking and it was an ‘ask me anything sort of thing.’ This one amazing mom just popped into the feed and was like, “What would you say to me? I feel like I want to go to medical school. I feel it in me and I want to go, but I have three little kids.” I want you to just talk about that – when you know something, but it is so inconvenient to your current life. What would you say about that because I feel like there’s some fear wrapped up in the decision. Why is that decision hard for her if she feels it, you know? So I would love to hear you respond to that for her.

SUSIE: It’s a great question for anybody who has a good excuse for not doing something, right? And remember even a really good excuse is still an excuse. Even if it’s a really good excuse that no one else will judge you for, or blame you for, and you get a lot of sympathy around.This is why some excuses are so good, right? Because they give us sympathy and sympathy can feel like respect, but it’s not the same thing. 

So when you think about what it is that prevents someone from doing anything…I think about it in the traditional cause and effect psychology model, right? “I have three kids so I can’t go to medical school.” There’s the cause, right, having this family? Then the effect is you can’t do the thing. I like to flip it, Allie. 

The way that I would question it, and this takes some courage, would be to say, “Going to medical school means you might fail. It means you might really test yourself. You might think you’re not bright enough, capable enough. It’s going to require a different version of you. And that’s frightening. There’s a lot of work involved here, so let’s blame your three kids.” Because I would say if that’s then true – you can’t go to medical school because you have three kids – I would say then that’s then true for anybody out there with three kids pursuing a dream. Has anyone else ever done it? Because if that’s true then the cause and effect isn’t real. I’m yet to find a single exception where the cause and effect are fixed.

ALLIE: That’s such a beautiful technique. I was recently reading a book, I don’t remember which one, but the topic was manifestation, your thought process and aligning your beliefs with where you want to go and they were saying that exact thing. What is it that you want? And then imagine if you had it and then what comes up? What limits does your ego automatically give you? Then look at them, write them down. Look them in the eye and say, “Is there any circumstance, is there any one in the entire world that I can find where this is not true, that they prove that that’s not true?” And you can always find somebody, and if not, even then somebody has to be first.

SUSIE: Exactly. Exactly. Yes. So if you think, “What’s the thing that’s holding me back?” I would say, “I’m holding myself back and I’m finding a good reason.” That’s it. And again, I have yet to find an exception to this after doing it countless times. It’s an emotional breakthrough when you’re like, “Oh my gosh, it’s true. I’m scared to do the thing. Scared to get married, scared to start a business.” I mean, think about it. We hear the same reasons again and again and again, and they sound reasonable.

ALLIE: I think I also notice that women specifically, maybe it’s just because that’s who I’m spending my time with, but they always find an excuse that other people would back up like, “Oh yeah, that’s a lot. That’s hard. That’s too much.” 

SUSIE: A socially acceptable excuse. “Oh, aren’t they alluring? Aren’t they quite…I’ll cozy up with my little excuse here and no one’s going to call me out.” You end up being like that forever because your desires never disappear and they get louder if you silence them. There’s nothing you can do to get rid of them. The only thing that you can do is remove your resistance towards them and move forward. 

But if you have a dream and you’re like, “Yeah, don’t worry about it,” it’s not going to go away…ever. It will never be like, “Yeah, okay, that’s just kind of left my body.” It won’t happen because it’s part of your unique contribution. Isn’t that our obligation – to fulfill our unique contribution in our lifetime? It’s why we’re here. It’s why we all have space in this world.

That’s the miracle of existence, Allie. Think about how your parents had to meet, how their parents had to meet, the miracle of being alive, living long enough to understand that you have a contribution and you know what your gifts are, it’s a real miracle to be here. We need to remember that and know, “Hey, this isn’t by accident. There is something unique for me to do.”

ALLIE: And I think too, even all of these things, these women have these dreams, these desires and they struggle with pursuing them. I was talking to my husband about this yesterday. Sometimes the struggle is you’re putting it like, “Oh, it’s just a dream. I have this dream that I want to pursue and that’s selfish.” Well, first of all, it’s not selfish and second of all, it’s not just a dream. I can see that there might be some emptiness in that, but it’s not a dream. You’re building a legacy. This is your life. Everything you just said, it’s a miracle. 

Everything you do – if you don’t go to medical school, if you don’t start the business, start the podcast – ask for what it is that you want. Chase the thing that’s burning inside of you that you can’t shake, that keeps coming back because it’s meant for you, it’s calling you, and it’s a part of your purpose. That’s not just like, “Oh, I have a dream and I’m going to follow it.” It’s your legacy. You’re showing your daughters, your sons, your friends, your spouse, and the people that look to you on social media what can be done. This is your legacy and it’s burning in you because it’s yours. And if you don’t go get it, then you are never going to be the ‘you’ that did that thing and there’s only one you. It’s burning for a reason.

SUSIE: Exactly. And if this lady’s coming to you, Allie, with four kids, a business and now a book, a happy marriage…she’s coming to you for a reason because you’re an inspiration whether or not you like it, right? She’s coming to you because you’re doing the things. And I feel like it’s a first step, putting it out there what your intention is, what your desire is. You’re on the right path, right? Lean into it. What’s next? What other questions? 

One other thing I’ll say too is I think we forget that nothing has to be done perfectly. Nothing. That doesn’t even exist. And perfection has nothing to do with high standards. We think it does but it’s all about failure and anxiety. What about good enough being good enough? Truly good enough? This is kind of my standard, good enough. This is why I produce a lot because good enough is good enough around here.

ALLIE: Yeah, it’s done. It’s good enough. I literally have never produced something that I think is perfect. I don’t even spend enough time to pull out that measuring stick. I just know, “This is good.” I sign it, I approve it. It is good. It’s going to help people. I don’t need it to be perfectly wrapped in a ribbon and perfectly sealed. I’d never produce anything.

SUSIE: Exactly. We would do nothing. When you think about it? Go to medical school. Let it be messy. You have to be messy. 

ALLIE: Jump in. Figure it out as you go. 

SUSIE: And also it’s okay to ask for help. People want to help. I think sometimes we forget that and we’re like, “We have to do everything on our own. The burden is all on us.” You’re worthy of receiving help the same way you’d be happy to give help to others. It’s a real mark of strength to be able to ask, “What is it you need?” I have a chapter on that specifically, around asking and the value of it. It’s amazing how much help is waiting if you’re willing to ask. 

I think it’s amazing how actually it can be very rewarding. I’ve always been so pleasantly surprised with the help I received when I’ve needed it. 

ALLIE: Yeah, I love that. It’s empowering to ask for help, to see you’re so loved, so supported that people are like, “Yes, I’ll do it. I’ll help you with that. I’ll watch your kids. I’ll bring you guys dinner. I’ll help…whatever it is.” 

SUSIE: Yes, exactly. And I think even with what’s going on in the world right now, the one benefit is you see people, you know, we draw together. We help when we can. There’s limitations because we’re separated, but whatever it is we can do, we see people doing it. It makes me emotional. So let yourself be the recipient of some help because there’s also pleasure in giving. There is a lot of pleasure in giving, so let people give that to you too, if that’s what you need.

ALLIE: I love that! Guys, go and get this book! It is so good! Stop Checking Your Likes: Shake Off The Need For Approval And Live An Incredible Life by my beautiful friend, with the best accent ever. 

SUSIE: Allie, I love you! Thanks for having me on your show, The Purpose Show. 

ALLIE: Yes! The Purpose Show – talking about your purpose. I love it. Thank you.


This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.

Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.  

I am always rooting for you, friend! See ya next time!

 

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