Ep 200: How to Make, Break & Stick to Habits with Jen Sincero

Jen Sincero is a #1 New York Times Bestselling Author, a success coach and a motivational speaker. Her Badass books helped transform my life and I am so excited and honored to have interviewed her for the 200th episode of The Purpose Show! In this episode we are talking about how to make, break, and keep habits. Let’s jump in!

 

 

 

 

In This Episode Allie and Jen Discuss:

  • Habits 

  • How you start to change 

  • Changing emotionally charged habits 

  • Setting & maintaining habits to reach goals 

  • Identifying with habits 

  • Habits and boundaries

Mentioned in this Episode:

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Badass Habits by Jen Sincero

You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero

You Are A Badass Every Day by Jen Sincero

You Are A Badass At Making Money by Jen Sincero

 

Mom life. We’re surrounded by the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. We’re supposed to get through it. Survive. Cling on by the last little thread. And at the same time, Carpe Diem—enjoy every moment because it’s going to go by so fast. The typical mom culture that sends us all kinds of mixed, typically negative messages. We shouldn’t take care of ourselves; it’s selfish. The more ragged you run yourself, the bigger your badge of honor. But also, ditch your mom bod and work out. Don’t yell. Make more money. Show up. Be better, but not at the expense of time with your kids. I am putting a hard stop to all of this. While being a mom, running a business, and whatever else you might have going on is hard, it is a lot and there’s lots of giving of yourself, the idea that motherhood means living a joyless, nonstop-hustle-with-zero-balance kind of life, where you give and give and give and never take, needs to stop. 

I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime (at least most days). Stop the mom guilt and shame game. Stop cleaning up after your kids’ childhood and start being present for it. I want to help you thrive in work, home and life. I believe in John 10:10 that we are called to living an abundant life and I know moms are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, some business and life hacks, spirituality and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.


Hello friends! Welcome to another episode of The Purpose Show podcast. 

This is a monumental episode for me, not only because it’s episode 200, but because my guest today is THE Jen Sincero. Jen is a world renowned and #1 New York Times bestselling author. She’s a success coach and a motivational speaker who has spent over a decade helping people transform their lives. 

If you have listened to my business story, followed me on Instagram, or heard me talk at all about my business story, you know that this incredible woman has transformed my life and is one of the pillar reasons that led to me even starting the business that I now run. 

The business that employs other people and supports multiple families, not just my own, and has grown to be what it is and is continuing to grow every day. I’m super, super grateful to this woman.

I had Jen Sincero on my vision board of goals as somebody that I wanted to meet. I wanted to talk with her. I did want to have her on the podcast, but just to even meet her and just share with her how she helped me. 

I listened to her book multiple times when I was starting the business. She shifted my perspective and was really the first, introductory step I took into the whole world of mindset, money mindset, and changing the way you think to change your life. I had never really been taught that. 

Jen is very important to me and this is such a cool thing to share with you. This conversation we have is very real and really helpful. 

Jen recently released her latest book, which is called Badass Habits: Cultivate the Awareness, Boundaries, and Daily Upgrades You Need to Make Them Stick.  It’s super practical and super helpful. 

We are about to listen to an amazing conversation about habits, how to make them, how to break them, and actually keep them.

ALLIE: It’s so nice to meet you! I have to tell you before we start, five years ago I was living in the Midwest, which I hated, and I had four kids. I was married, but we were so broke. Literally where-is-dinner-going-to-come-from status, and I was starting this business. 

I wanted to read your book, You Are A Badass and I couldn’t afford it. So, I got a new email from Yahoo so I could sign up for Audible and get a free trial book, and I got your book. I laid on my floor in my living room and listened to it several times. 

I kept coming back to it as I rose up to this new vibration and built this business. Now we make $200,000+ a month. 

JEN: I love hearing that. Good for you!

ALLIE: The way you write, the way you’re funny and light, you get right to the heart of people, it’s such a gift. So, thank you. 

JEN: Thank you so much for saying that. What an incredible story. I hope you talk about that or write about that. I’m sure you do on your podcast. 

That’s incredible to hear. It makes sitting in a room by myself in my pajamas writing a book totally worth it.

ALLIE: I read your book. I read Badass Habits. It’s incredible and I want to dive right into everything. 

I don’t like how so many habit books are so over-frigging complicated, like, “Here’s a map of what you need to do and it’s gotta be in this order. You gotta do it this way. And here’s the science behind it…” 

It’s so stiff. And my brain doesn’t work like that. I go back to how it feels. 

I need visuals. I need to understand the heart behind why I’m even making the new habit in the first place. And your book does that. 

So, can you talk to us about habits and about how you came to write this book? We just want to hear from you because it is so fresh, different, and very, very refreshing to me.

JEN: Oh, thank you. That was my goal. With all of my books I try to take information that I have found really helpful for myself and for my clients and put it in a format that makes it really usable. 

I’m an incredibly impatient person, which is one habit I’m trying to change. But I find with all of this self-improvement stuff, habits included, that the more to the point, the more pared down, the more utilitarian, and the more entertaining things are, the more useful they are. 

I figured Habits was the next logical book for me to write after You Are A Badass, You Are A Badass At Making Money, You Are A Badass Every Day because I do a lot of work with mindset and I give you homework in those books. So now you’ve got all the mindset tools, let’s make this new frequency, this new belief system into a habit so you can really put awesomeness on autopilot.

ALLIE: I sat with my audience before we recorded and we talked about what we would want to learn and what we’d want to hear from you. I’m sure you get this every second, but so many people were asking, “How do you start? When you know that it’s not working and you’re looking at the overwhelming pile of crap that is your life and the habits you already have, how do you start to change?”

JEN: First through awareness. Awareness is always the first stepping stone of any self-transformation. 

And also pairing it down. We all have endless areas of our lives that could use a facelift, right? But you cannot do it all at once, so you have to choose one. 

This is a really painful part of the process with anything, but just choose one area that you’re going to start with. If you try and do them all, you will do none. So, pick one area of your life that you find yourself complaining about the most, that you find the most debilitating, or that’s the most exciting. 

Pick that one area and put all of your focus and all of your energy on that. Then become aware of all the stories, beliefs, and excuses you’ve got around why you cannot ever change this area.

ALLIE: That’s great. 

A lot of the people who listen to this podcast are mothers, and we were talking about habits that are emotionally charged from the trigger to the end. Bad habits like yelling, like when you see something that’s happening and your habit is to yell or snap at your kids or whatever. 

A lot of the women I was speaking with were asking about that. How does that work when there’s such an emotional charge behind the habit?

JEN: That’s such a great question. It’s such a mom question. 

It’s about awareness. The good thing about us is that we have patterns. If your pattern is to yell when something’s going on, it’s great because it happens all the time and you get to be aware of it. 

If you’re aware of the fact that you yell, that’s the first step. Then get prepared for it. You know this is going to happen, you know it’s an emotional charge. It’s like a muscle of awareness that you’ve got to build around when you’re about to yell. 

Certain situations like when your kids come home from school and they’re wild animals, or bedtime, or whatever it is, you can prepare yourself. You’re not in the dark because this is a pattern. Get as clear as you can on when it’s going to happen and then when it happens, use your almighty breath to help you take a pause and make a different choice.

ALLIE: Can you expand on the breath part? If somebody didn’t know anything about that, and they’re like, what are you even talking about? Could you explain that? 

JEN: It really is about catching yourself. It takes practice; It’s not going to happen right away. It’s not going to happen every time. You’re going to forget, but you can totally do it. 

Catch the pattern. And then when you’re thinking, “Okay, my kids are driving me insane because they won’t get in the bathtub,” you can realize, “Oh my gosh, here it is. This is happening right now. It’s happening right now. I want to start shrieking.” 

Take a breath. When you notice you want to start yelling take a nice deep breath. Not only will that give you the time to pause, but it will also relax your body.  You take a breath and then you can relax and make a different choice about how to respond that actually might benefit everybody involved in a much bigger way.

ALLIE: That’s so good. 

And I think if we set the intention in the day that we’re going to be more aware, in those emotionally charged moments that intention does pop up. Even though I’m pissed, I’m annoyed, and I just want it to stop, it does for a second pop-up because I set that intention.

JEN: Right. And intention comes from awareness. If you’re aware that this is an issue you can think, “Alright. Today, I’m just going to kick ass at the not yelling thing and the taking a breath thing.” 

Again, you’re going to forget, but you’re also going to remember sometimes. And then the remembering—the more you do it, the more you do it. Habits are all about repetition. You’re going to get into the habit of remembering, pausing, breathing, and making a different choice.

ALLIE: Can you explain your process for setting and reaching goals as it relates to habits? When you have a goal and you realize you have habits that are not supporting that and you think, “Okay, I’ve identified where I want to go and what habits would support me in that.” 

What is your process for maintaining that after the elation of, “I’m all inspired and I’m going to be the best version of myself,” when life is happening and all that. What’s your process for continuing?

JEN: The novelty will wear off and habits tend to take a lot of time to sink in and to show any tangible results. I’ve got actually a whole bunch of tips in Badass Habits

One of the most important ones that I talk about in all of my books actually is having some kind of spiritual gym practice. Because tenacity is a muscle. Excitement is a muscle. Staying attached to your ‘why’ and the big ‘ta-da!’ is a muscle. 

And just like going to the physical gym, you’ve got to go to the spiritual gym if you want to stay in shape and stay at that frequency. I recommend having some kind of “workout” if you will. It can be just 5 to 10 minutes a day. 

Read some kind of self-help or inspirational book, listen to inspirational videos or podcasts or whatever. Have a playlist. Music is one of the best ways that I personally can get my frequency up and get my energy back. 

Have a mastermind partner who you surround yourself with. It totally matters. You can put specific things into place, and you have to use them every single, solitary day to keep connected to that energy and to keep your tenacity strong.

ALLIE: For me, a part of that would have to be my thoughts and the words I’m saying. I feel like there’s so much power in the stories we’re telling ourselves about what we can do and about habits. 

I was telling a friend last night that we were going to have this interview and she said, “Oh, that’ll be great. I’m going to listen to that. I always fail at new habits. It just is what it is.” 

She then went on to tell me how unhappy she is with the way things are. And I was thinking, “I’ve been there.” But how much power is there in saying, “I always fail. I just suck.” And accepting that. 

Can you talk about that part of it? 

JEN: Sure.

In the book I talk a huge amount about identity and that’s such a great example of an identity—somebody who sucks at keeping habits. 

I think this example is a good way to put it into perspective: I am an avid ex-smoker. That’s my identity. But when I was quitting smoking, instead of identifying as somebody who’s an ex smoker and trying to quit, I started identifying as somebody who takes great care of her body, who loves being healthy and loves her pink, healthy lungs. 

When I went out and had a cocktail with friends and everybody lit up a cigarette, if I identified as an ex-smoker who was trying to quit, I would enter into a negotiation. What’s one drag or what’s one cigarette? It’s not going to kill me.

But if I identify as someone who’s healthy, who loves her pink, healthy lungs, who takes great care of her body, I wouldn’t even enter into that conversation any more than I would enter into the idea of having a bottle of vodka for breakfast.

Because that’s not part of my identity. It is part of some people’s identity. That’s why identity is so important. 

If you start out trying to change your habits by identifying as somebody who sucks at it, you are most definitely going to fail. Getting into the identity of somebody new, who you are not yet really embodying, is more about the decision to identify than the actual belief, right? 

It’s all about acting “as if.” You decide to identify as somebody who has pink, healthy lungs and takes great care of her body. 

I got some specifics down on a piece of paper. It takes maybe five minutes to think, “Okay, what does somebody who really takes great care of her body and has pink, healthy lungs talk about? What does she focus on? How does she carry herself? Who does she hang out with? What does she do when somebody walks by smoking a cigarette.” 

Getting clear on some very specific aspects of that identity helps you embody it before you naturally embody it.

ALLIE: Do you find that it’s difficult to carry that vision and hold on to that feeling of being her in those moments when you’re around a table with friends and they’re all partaking in a habit you’re trying to break? 

JEN: It will be challenging. It’s also liberating if you’ve made that decision and you’ve got your specifics at the ready. That’s why you can’t just be vague and hope that this is gonna happen. With specifics, you really empower yourself. When you’re in those situations is when you get to actually employ it. 

I find it, as a nerd, kind of fun to be like, “All right, no! I’ve signed up for this. This is who I am. I’m going to take my new identity out for a test run.”

ALLIE: I’m remembering your other books and this is very similar to embodying the version of yourself that’s rich. Getting into that headspace, getting your vibration to match that point. We can do this with anything. 

JEN: I was thinking about this for myself with something I’m being challenged with right now. I was thinking, “Make it fun again. Make it like a little kid, like you’re playacting.” 

I have that whole thing in You Are A Badass of, “I just want to see what I can get away with. I just want to see if I can be somebody who’s really healthy, who has pink, healthy, lungs. I just want to see what it’s like to be somebody who’s really good at adopting new habits.” 

Make it fun. We’re so heavy and everything’s such a big deal. If you play with it, it’s lighter and easier.

ALLIE: Yeah. We take it so seriously like, “I said I was going to do this, so if I don’t…”

We assign all of this meaning to it. We’re walking into a fresh start with such a heavy backpack on. 

JEN: Drama! So much drama!

ALLIE: Yeah. Why do we over-complicate literally everything?

JEN: When you start to look at it, it’s pretty laughable, I’ve got to say. 

ALLIE: Yeah, seriously. What would you say, for you personally, has been the most life-changing habit that you have created? If you had to pick just one habit?

JEN: The habit of having wealth consciousness instead of poverty consciousness. Hands down. That was huge. I talk about it in pretty much every one of my books because it was 100% impossible for me to make money in my old identity. 

I was in my forties living in a garage and it seemed so impossible. I had a lifetime of proof that I sucked at it. I had tried everything, and blah, blah, blah. 

The fact that it is so far away now that I can barely even remember what it was like to be broke is so enormous and so inspiring to me personally. If I can do that, I can do any damn thing. Seriously.

ALLIE: Do you feel like that leverage led you to quit smoking? That it led you to build all these other habits because you had done the hardest one?

JEN: I think I actually quit smoking before that, maybe that’s why I got wealth consciousness.

ALLIE: I love that you’re saying that wealth consciousness is a habit. I wouldn’t think of it that way, but it is. 

It’s the same for me. I was there as well. And now I can’t even compute the kinds of thoughts that I was having on a regular basis. 

Now, of course that’s not going to come into my head space. The standard is overflow and that was a habit that I built.

JEN: Right. And now you have a new identity. Literally. You really don’t even identify as that other person, but back then it was so serious. And so real. 

Reality is so fluid. That’s the thing that we’ve got to remember. It’s fluid.

 All of our thoughts, beliefs, words are habits that dictate our actions. Get really clear about that and really work with that. Thoughts, beliefs and words are a hell of a lot easier than taking action. You don’t even have to stand. You can do that in bed. 

ALLIE: Yeah. When I look back, I think that my habit was always being a victim to everything. To money. To my husband’s job and the way he got paid. 

I’d think, “Well, I’m not in charge of that.” And, “Motherhood is so hard. Look at my life.”

My identity was wrapped up in playing small and in playing the victim. Everything that came out of that was based on that habit. And when I changed that identity, everything changed to match that identity.

JEN: Did you find other areas of your life changed as well when you just decided you were no longer a victim? Did your money and other areas change?

ALLIE: Yeah. My health, my marriage, my relationships, my relationships with my kids, my relationship with my parents. If I’m not the victim anymore then that means I’m the one holding the power, so what does it look like to be in charge of myself? Which I always was anyway, right? 

That’s what I love about Badass Habits. It strips it down to almost being overly simplistic. If you just get to this root, it’s impossible for everything else to not add up from that place of your identity.

JEN: And that’s the thing, it is so simple and we make it so hard. Because it protects us from being in control. It protects us from being wrong. It protects us from change and stepping into stuff that’s unfamiliar and all the things that we fight like hell to avoid, even though they’re making us miserable.

ALLIE: And that’s what I think we’re all holding onto and why change is such a threat. Because it’s threatening our identity and we’re not realizing that.

JEN: Exactly. Even when we don’t like our identities. I didn’t like my identity as being a broke ass loser who was old and living in a garage and had no idea what she was doing. I wasn’t into it but I protected it with my life. 

ALLIE: I really wish everything would change and woe is me, but also don’t touch it. 

What do you think about if you’re the type of person who really prefers novelty and spontaneity but you also realize that you need to get things done, you need to be in a habitual state so that things will work well and you’re a functioning adult? How does that play into it? 

I believe we can create habits that serve our personalities, but what does that look like if you’re that kind of person?

JEN: I don’t know about you, but I am that kind of person.

ALLIE: Yeah. I’m asking for a friend and the friend is me.

JEN: They are not mutually exclusive. You have to realize that habits serve you. If you’re that kind of person they’re going to serve you to help you be more spontaneous and have more variety in your life. 

I’m a big hiker. I love to travel all over the world and hike in cool places. But I can’t hike if I don’t stretch out all the time and if I’m not in shape. 

So getting into the habit of doing that every day and really keeping my body fit and stretched out is going to help me live the life I want to live. It doesn’t necessarily mean that at 9:00 a.m. every single day I do the same thing on a mat. It means that I have to do it everyday, somewhere in my life.

Scheduling things is really helpful for some people. For me, it creates an anxiety attack. I know that about myself. 

But I’m very serious about doing it every single day, because I have to if I want to live the life I want. There are different ways to be consistent and there are different ways to have balance as well.

ALLIE: Yeah. And I think it’s about creating a rhythm. If I typically feel good in the morning when I do (insert habit there) then I do it in the morning. But I’m not stuck. If I want to do it in the evening, I can.

JEN: That’s exactly how I am too. I’m a super morning person. That’s my best time. 

I know that meditating in the morning is the best time to do it in general, but I wake up so busy. My mind is on. I’m the hyperest person at 7:30 in the morning. 

So, I get all my stuff done and then I meditate. You’ve got to work with who you are and set yourself up for success as much as you can.

ALLIE: The whole point of meditation is to create space and pause, and if that helps you to do that when you’ve gotten some things done, then who cares. 

JEN: Exactly. 

ALLIE: There was one line in Badass Habits that I love. I wrote it down. You said, “Contrary to popular belief, habits are more about who you’re being than what you’re doing.” 

You were talking about identity. It is all wrapped up in being the kind of person that lives that way, who is healthy, who is not yelling, or who is growing a successful business. And I am choosing to be that and that it is a choice. 

It’s so simple, but so mind blowing. I loved it so much. I put it on a post-it note on my mirror. 

I put it on a post-it note on my steering wheel in my car and my husband was driving and he came back from his errand and said, “That post-it really blew my mind and I’ve been thinking about it this whole time. It is more about who I’m being.”

It is so simple and so true. The way that you say it is so beautifully simplistic for all of us who don’t really care about all the scientific data, how the mind works, and that kind of stuff. 

Tell me how to feel. Tell me what to focus on. And then I know my vibration will rise and everything will go from there. I love that about the way you wrote that.

JEN: Thank you. It really is so true, right? 

We’re in January now, so I’ve been thinking a lot about New Year’s resolutions and everybody wants to know why they don’t work. One of the main reasons that nobody sticks to their New Year’s resolutions is because they just change what they’re doing. They just decide to stop drinking. 

You have to change who you’re being. If you just change what you’re doing, you’re setting yourself up for so much heartache.

ALLIE: It’s such a deeper connection to actually connect with the why, the version of yourself and what it will mean for you if you don’t drink anymore or what it will mean for you if you’re making a $100,000/month. Really stepping into that and feeling those feelings of, “Oh my God, that would change everything.” 

You can’t go back from that.

JEN: Right. That’s why we say mantras every day in the book, because you’ve got to stay connected to that feeling of excitement, that identity, that connection with that energy. That’s what’s going to keep you going when you so do not feel like doing whatever it is you set out to do.

ALLIE: What was it like to write this book? I would imagine a bunch of stuff would have come up for me. I feel like this book is like limiting-belief-city. 

JEN: I’ve been there many times. 

Well, first of all, I wrote it at the height of the pandemic and I will admit that I begged my publisher so I wouldn’t have to. I was like, “I can’t even lift my arms.” 

I was a drama queen. She said, “Just try. The pandemic isn’t going anywhere for awhile.” 

I said, “I can’t, I can’t.” I kicked and screamed. 

Then one day I thought, “All right, I’ll try and write this book.” 

I know the pandemic has brought on so much strife, horror, and hardship to so many people, but it’s also brought this beautiful gift of doing exactly what we’re trying to do all the time in this world of self-helpery, which is disengage from reality so that we can step back, look at it, and create the reality that we desire to create. 

So for me, writing a book on habits in a time when all of our habits have been pretty much stripped from us was really enlightening. I think the book came out a lot better and I went a lot deeper into stuff that I may not have gone deeply into because of COVID. I’m really, really grateful to it and really embarrassed about my temper tantrum.

Luckily, I love my editor. But I used the whole buffalo, you know? I wrote about that in the book. It was really interesting. 

And of course, with any kind of book like this, I have to look at my own practices in my own self. I’m a human being, so I fall on my face all the time, but that’s what you put in the book. I also succeed all the time.

ALLIE: I’ve been so curious to ask you about you and your journey. What has being such a successful author, sharing your life, writing about your process and sharing your learning, what has that been like for you as a person to be this bestselling author? 

Your books are really popular. They’re everywhere. You’re in Target. You have all of this success. 

What kinds of things did you have to learn about yourself through that process? Did it bring up new limiting beliefs? Did it affect your relationships? I’m just curious about that level of success as a human and just being a person. 

JEN: Yeah, all of those things happened. First of all, and I say all the time, I’m so grateful that it happened when I was older, just personally for me. I was so much more insecure in my twenties and I would have really bought into the fact that I was so amazing because I was in Target. Now, I’m so grateful. I’m so, so grateful! 

I also learned so much about boundaries because of this. You have to be sort of careful who you let in a little bit. It’s hard because I’m so grateful to my fans. And honestly, my fans are fun. 

I really would actually love to have a party with all of them, but you have to energetically put up a boundary because you can’t give that much. And at the end of the day, they are strangers to me, so that has been interesting. 

And also with friends, I definitely lost some friends along the way who weren’t serving me, who weren’t supporting me and excited for me or who were jealous and toxic in whatever way. I think that happens also as you age, grow, and get smarter. That’s been interesting. 

And honestly, I forget about it a lot. I forget that it’s all over the world and all these people are reading it. I’m still just me hanging out with my dog in my living room. 

When I go on tour, that’s when I’m usually like, “Oh right. This is this thing that’s happening out there.” So, it’s very exciting.

ALLIE: You mentioned boundaries and I love that you had a big chapter in the book about boundaries. Can you talk about how boundaries and habits work together? How they are related? 

JEN: I think it’s such an interesting aspect to focus on for habits because I hadn’t seen that in other habits books. And honestly, I kind of wanted to write a whole book about boundaries because it is such an interesting topic. 

But we figured that it would be such a good one to put in the Habits book because if you have crappy boundaries and you’re trying to change your identity and your actions, you are going to make it so, so hard for yourself. 

The number one question that I get at all of my readings or whenever I give a talk is, “What do you do when the people closest to you don’t support who you’re becoming?”

This is an incredibly common problem. And it’s because when you change who you’re being, you’re killing off your old identity and the people who are closest to you have the most to lose if you kill off their buddy. 

So that’s why strangers, mentors, or other people say, “Yay! You opened that new restaurant. You’re awesome!” 

And the people around you will warn you about how dangerous it is to open up a restaurant, how they fail so much, or make fun of you, or whatever it is.

And you think, “My God, these are the people that are closest to me. You’d think they’d be supportive of me, but they’re not.” 

And that is why. It’s because they are the most threatened when you change your identity. So having really solid boundaries, especially at the beginning when you’re the most vulnerable, when you’re the most unsure and not completely embodied in this new identity yet, is so critical. 

Every habit you have, even if it’s just flossing your teeth, you’re still rising to the occasion for yourself. You’re still bettering yourself. You’re still taking your time on earth seriously and that shifts who you’re being. 

And it’s going to affect everything else in your life. Being conscious of the boundaries you have and the people surrounding you is epically important.

ALLIE: Maybe I’m misinterpreting some things, but it seems to me that if I am leveling up in my life, it seems to loosen other people’s footing and they are projecting out their own insecurity or their own stuckness onto me because I’m not staying stuck. And instead of using it to get inspired, we projectile vomit all of our inner crap onto other people who are doing the thing.

JEN: Yeah. Because if you can do it, that means they can do it. It’s like giving them unsolicited advice. If they’re not ready to make the change, if they’re still fighting for that identity of theirs that they are not happy with, like what we were talking about earlier, you making the change is extremely threatening to them.

ALLIE: And I think when we really understand that it helps us see it with empathy instead of taking offense and firing it right back at them.

JEN: Yeah. And honestly, one of the most important and hardest rules to learn in the beginning is you just don’t share your hopes and dreams with the people around you who are not going to be supportive. Sometimes you actually have to break it off with them. Don’t share it with them. 

Don’t share what you’re doing with them if they’re not going to support you. You need all the support you can get. You have got to surround yourself with people who are going to support you.

ALLIE: I find that it’s sometimes awkward when I am protecting it, I’m not sharing it, and then the proof is there and now everyone knows, and they say, “Oh, I had no idea that you were changing yourself?” 

Do you know what I mean? It just feels weird.

JEN: It is weird. And it’s also so not your problem. If they had no idea, why didn’t they have an idea? Because they were not supportive and you didn’t tell them. That is not your issue. 

ALLIE: Totally, totally. That’s so true. Oh my gosh, this is amazing. 

Is there one other thing that we didn’t cover that you want people to understand about your identity with yourself and with habits? Is there anything that you want to impart to the listeners?

JEN: You know, I’m really obsessed with this idea of how precious time is. We have such a finite amount of it and this dicking around with the trauma and the “I can’ts” and “it’s so hard” and blah, blah, blah… 

Listen, we all go there. We all have our pity parties. It’s acceptable behavior, but not for a long period of time. And certainly not as something that you identify with, right? So you get to feel bad and fail and do all those things, but don’t identify with it.

Create things that are important to you. You don’t have to knock it out of the park in every department all of your life. But with the stuff that really matters, why not see what you can get away with? 

That’s why you’re here. And the sooner you do it, the more you get to enjoy that version of yourself while you’re riding out your very finite time on planet earth.

ALLIE: That’s such a better perspective than coming at habits by forcing yourself to change or with, “I should,” or, “I better.” 

What do you want? Who do you want to be? How can you take action to align with that now instead of down the line? 

JEN: It makes your life more enjoyable. You wouldn’t want to do it in the first place if it wasn’t going to bring more joy to your life and the lives of people around you. Remember you’re not doing it because you have to, you’re doing it because it’s going to be better. 

ALLIE: Yeah. Because you get to.

JEN: Yes, you get to. Exactly. 

ALLIE: So good. Thank you so much for this, Jen. You are such a light. I am so honored to have you on the show. 

This is the most refreshing conversation about habits because it does get so dang complicated, blown out of proportion, scientific, and boring. And I just get lost with that. I just need the heart behind it. And thank you for that. 

JEN: Thank you so much. You are a delight to talk to and such an inspiration. My God, what a story you’ve got. 

ALLIE: Thank you. Thank you so much. And I love that you were a part of that from the beginning and throughout, and now we get to talk. I love it! Thank you so much!


Thanks so much for hanging out with me! In case you didn’t know, there’s actually an exclusive community that’s been created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions around The Purpose Show episodes. It’s designed to get you to actually take action and make the positive changes that we talk about here. I want you to go and be a part of it. To do that, go to alliecasazza.com/facebookgroup

Thank you so much for tuning in! If you’d like to learn more about me, how I can help you, how you can implement all these things and more into your life to make it simpler, better, and more abundant, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, online courses, programs, and other resources to help you create the life you really want. 

I am always rooting for you, friend! See you next time! I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.

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