I’m dropping some mom-wisdom in today’s episode. This is the only advice you need. Let’s jump in!

In This Episode Allie Discusses:

• Mommy wars 

• Trusting yourself 

• Other people’s opinions

Mentioned in this Episode:

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The Purpose Show Facebook Community

EP 196: PARENTING, DISCIPLINE, AND THE STRONG-WILLED CHILD WITH UPBRINGING

Mom life. We’re surrounded by the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. We’re supposed to get through it. Survive. Cling on by the last little thread. And at the same time, Carpe Diem—enjoy every moment because it’s going to go by so fast. The typical mom culture that sends us all kinds of mixed, typically negative messages. We shouldn’t take care of ourselves; it’s selfish. The more ragged you run yourself, the bigger your badge of honor. But also, ditch your mom bod and work out. Don’t yell. Make more money. Show up. Be better, but not at the expense of time with your kids. I am putting a hard stop to all of this. While being a mom, running a business, and whatever else you might have going on is hard, it is a lot and there’s lots of giving of yourself, the idea that motherhood means living a joyless, nonstop-hustle-with-zero-balance kind of life, where you give and give and give and never take, needs to stop. 

I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime (at least most days). Stop the mom guilt and shame game. Stop cleaning up after your kids’ childhood and start being present for it. I want to help you thrive in work, home and life. I believe in John 10:10 that we are called to living an abundant life and I know moms are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, some business and life hacks, spirituality and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.

Hi friends! Welcome to another episode of The Purpose Show podcast. I’m super excited to be talking with you tonight. 

It’s nighttime for me. I’ve been on a kick of recording in the evening. It’s weird and new for me, but I am here for it. 

I was thinking about a message that I got a few weeks ago from a woman who had suffered with a lot of infertility issues and after a year’s long journey was finally pregnant with her first baby. She was sharing with me that at first she had felt so excited, elated and so happy. Then she started to research and opened herself up to reading and learning about what it’s like to actually have a baby and be a first-time mom. 

She felt honestly shocked and surprised at the way that she saw that things worked, the way that she saw the other moms talking to each other in the online forums, and even just something as simple as the reviews on which stroller to get. There was just a lot of uproar.

If you’re a mom and you’re listening, we have all seen this. It’s all sorts of levels and shades of ridiculous, but it does exist. This woman was seeing this for the first time. 

I guess she has been following me for a while and she said, “I just feel like I need to quiet all this noise. I just want to know from you, what is your advice for me as a first time mom?” 

I thought about that for a while before I responded. We ended up having a little bit of back and forth DMing in Instagram. And I’ve been thinking about it ever since. 

Then a little while after that, maybe a week ago or so, I was on a walk near this play area that’s near my house. I was pacing back and forth while my kids were playing and there were a couple of moms standing a ways away from me. As they were walking, I could hear their conversation and they were talking back and forth about different products, like sippy cups and nipple creams, and which one is better. 

The newest, latest, and greatest everything. Cups that don’t leak. Nipple cream that’s organic and made from the skin of sheep from a deserted island. All the mom things.

And then they started to talk about another mom that seemed to be a mutual friend of theirs. They were talking about her working—how quickly she went back to work after having a baby, how much she worked, and how she throws herself into work. And they started to speak about this other woman in such a judgmental way. It was sad and hard to hear. 

I guess in the midst of thinking about this message that I received on Instagram from this woman that had seen the war on moms—mom against mom, one type of mom against another type of mom—and seeing her feeling anxiety about becoming a mom for the first time herself instead of feeling this amazing feeling of joy because of everything she went through, I felt like I wanted to say a few things here.

My biggest piece of advice is not one sentence, but I’m going to sum it up in this episode. The first thing I want to say is this: For the love of everything holy and sacred, don’t get hung up and caught up in the tiny details. Don’t get caught up in the fricking mommy wars. 

Guys, products come and go. The amount of time that moms spend on research for something that is such a small detail, like a sippy cup or cream for your nips, is insane. It’s so much lost time. 

Please understand that you are more valuable than that. I understand wanting to use your money wisely. I understand wanting to give your child the best. 

I understand wanting to give your body the best. I understand all of those things. And I spend time researching a little bit. I’m not much of a researcher, but I’ll look things up. 

I’ll find out what’s worth the money and the investment. What’s going to be the best for where my money’s going. What it is I’m going to bring into my home. I don’t want to buy crap.

But the amount of time, effort, and energy that is being expended on products for raising babies and toddlers and being moms is crazy. It is such a lucrative industry, because it feeds off of this fear that moms have that there’s a wrong way to do things. And, obviously, I’m not talking about right and wrong in terms of harming your baby. 

I’m talking about which stroller is the best? Who the eff cares? This is insane. There are so many other things to put your energy into. 

I saw it when I was having babies and I see it now. Products come and go. It doesn’t matter. There’s not a wrong stroller to get. It’s silly. 

You’re about to become a mother. You’re about to be a part of raising the future generation. The power in that, the energy that will require of you… 

You are a goddess. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are about to birth or adopt this child and bring them into your family. Bring them into this world. 

Your brain calories are worth so much more than obsessive research and mommy warring in the comments over a stupid product. No. Let’s value ourselves more than that. 

And with the mommy war thing? Guys, we’re all in this together. We’re all learning together. 

It’s not wrong to decide to have a C-section. It is not wrong to use drugs in your birth. It is not wrong to have a natural birth. It is not wrong to have an opinion about birth. It’s not wrong. 

Don’t get yourself in a war with other women. This is the patriarchy, you guys. We’re all in this together. 

And what is it to you if another woman doesn’t think the way you did it is the right way? There is no right way anyway. This is all stupid and surface. 

Let’s focus on the depth, guys. Let’s focus on what is in the deep waters of being and becoming a mother—raising these babies, bringing them up in the light. And we can’t do that if we start it out in darkness.

And it’s so dark. It’s so low vibe to be obsessing over these things and hating on other women who are doing things differently than you. I’m so tired of people trying to change everybody on the internet and in real life to be more like them. 

Be how you want to be. If you feel a strong pull to have a natural labor, by all means, have a natural labor planned out. We make our plans and we don’t know what will happen. Plan to have a natural labor. If you feel so pulled to have a planned Cesarean for whatever reason, or no reason at all, then do it. 

I don’t understand why this is even a thing that I’m having to say. This is not where we belong, ladies. This energy is not where we belong. It’s not good for us. 

I’m convinced that it’s not good for our health to be staying in this energy of war and comparison. I think it makes us sick. I think that’s a really shitty place to start raising a kid, honestly.

I also think strategies for raising kids come and go. This is something that trends. I don’t know if people realize it or not, but there are totally seasons and eras of bringing up children. The strategies for raising kids totally ebb and flow and come and go. Feel into it. 

I think we’re evolving as a human race. I think that our parenting is getting better. I think we’re learning. I think this is one area, outside of others, where things are getting better and we’re really learning from the past and using it in our favor. I do think we’re getting better. 

I think we’re getting more aware. I think we’re getting more in tune with ourselves. I think we’re getting more in tune with our children, which, hello, is a great way to raise one. I think it’s good. 

Trends and strategies for raising kids do change. Feel into it for yourself.  Don’t stress yourself out. 

Those of you who are pregnant or filling out adoption papers and you’re soon going to become a mom for the first time, don’t stress yourself out. Do your best. It is okay to not fully know what you’re going to do. 

It is okay to go with the flow. It is okay to change your mind and shift directions as you go. 

You guys, if you didn’t listen to the episode that Brian and I recorded together with Hannah and Kelty from Upbringing, you need to! We shared openly that we have changed our mind in something as giant and important as raising our children. We have changed our mind, switched our strategy, and changed the way we were doing this because it wasn’t feeling right. 

Feel into it. You’re not supposed to have all the answers now. I’m sorry, but you can’t learn how to raise a person that was given to you to raise by reading a book written by somebody who is not their mom.

Maybe there are things that you can take, borrow, and learn from that will take up space in your heart as something that’s incredibly valuable in helping you raise them, but there is no manual for being you. You were chosen to be this person’s mother. 

However this child came to you, whether there was trauma and tragedy and you’re raising a relative’s child now, or you sought them out through adoption, or you sought them out by using fertility treatments and wanting to get pregnant, or you got pregnant by accident, or you got pregnant on purpose right away. It doesn’t matter. If you’re raising a child, you were chosen to raise that child and you are the authority on raising that child. 

It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to read books. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s also okay to not know. 

Feel into it. Do your best. Shift direction as you go. 

Girl, you will feel led. A woman who is strong, who is standing in her power and is connected to God or source or whatever you want to call it and raising her children, she is just beautiful. She’s so unstoppably perfect as a mom. In her mistakes, in her flaws, she’s perfect. 

She’s doing it. She’s doing a great job because she cares enough to be in that place for herself and for her children.

Another thing I want to say to moms-to-be is everybody has an opinion. Not everyone is right. Not everyone is wrong. I really think that it’s just all relative. 

Everybody has an opinion. Just know everybody has an opinion. I can’t tell you the uproar that has been caused in my family by Brian and I changing gears. 

Homeschooling our kids. Sending our kids to school for a year. Trying this, trying that, stopping halfway. 

We’re doing this and now we’re not doing this. We’re moving here and now we’re moving back. People have such an opinion about your personal life choices. It’s crazy. 

That’s not even counting the internet, which you all know I have that going on as well, which is super fun (sarcasm). 

Everybody has an opinion. Just expect it and let it go. Let them have their opinion. Let them get all up in arms about life choices that are not theirs to make. 

Just know that you don’t need to sit in that. You don’t need to sit there. You can move on. You can be above that. 

It can be happening and you don’t have to make it mean something for yourself. There’s a reason that you are their mom and not these other people. 

I guess in short, what I want to say to you moms-to-be is connect with who you are, connect with what feels really good to you. If it doesn’t feel good to discipline your kids a certain way, don’t do it that way. There’s no right or wrong. 

I’m sorry if this upsets some people. And people are going to get out their parenting books or get whatever out and try to show me, “You’re misleading people, this is wrong.” 

You are free to think what you want to think. But in my experience for the past 12 years raising my children (I have four kids. I’m about to adopt my fifth), everyone has an opinion and it’s not yours to carry. 

Connect with what is your truth in being a mom and stick with it. Stay the course. Follow that intuition. It is your guiding light. 

I have come to learn this truth, my intuition is God’s voice so much of the time. And the only time it’s not is when I let my ego mind get all wrapped up in a bunch of fear and what ifs and I get confused by my own self. 

Knowing that, if you think, “This just doesn’t feel right. This is the way that I was raised and this is the way I was taught was right, but it just feels so bad. I don’t like it,” then don’t do it. 

Follow that inner guiding. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for clinging to what you know is true for you. To what you know feels right to you. 

A woman in her power raising kids is doing a beautifully, perfectly imperfect job. And that is what I want you to know, moms-to-be.

Thanks so much for hanging out with me! In case you didn’t know, there’s actually an exclusive community that’s been created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions around The Purpose Show episodes. It’s designed to get you to actually take action and make the positive changes that we talk about here. I want you to go and be a part of it. To do that, go to alliecasazza.com/facebookgroup. 

Thank you so much for tuning in! If you’d like to learn more about me, how I can help you, how you can implement all these things and more into your life to make it simpler, better, and more abundant, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, online courses, programs, and other resources to help you create the life you really want. 

I am always rooting for you, friend! See you next time! I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.

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