In today’s episode I’m talking about an epiphany that I had recently and how it helped me stop judging my husband, Brian. Let’s jump in!
In this episode Allie discuesses:
- Feeling judgmental of Brian
- Mirroring your spouse or other people
Mentioned in this Episode:
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We’re surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life, the no-time-for-myself life, the hard life. And while it can be hard and full of lots of showing up for others, the idea that being a mom means living a joyless, stale, or shit-show life all the time is something I am passionate about putting a stop to.
I’m Allie Casazza, and I’m about to make your life so much lighter.
I’m the best-selling author of the book, Declutter Like A Mother, and the creator of several life-changing online programs that have enrolled tens of thousands of students.
If you’ve been feeling chronically behind, if you wake up feeling exhausted for a day that hasn’t even started yet, if you constantly feel like you don’t have time for the things that really matter to you, I’ve got you.
I went from being a completely overwhelmed, depressed, struggling mom of three babies and toddlers who, I’ll be honest with you, didn’t want to be a mom anymore because I felt like I was failing so hard at it every day.
Through a lot of figuring out, searching for help, inner work, and shifting how I was doing and being, I found that the less I had in my way, the more joy, focus, and purpose I brought into my life. We have to define what is in our way and what is actually worthy of our energy.
I went from blogging about my journey to becoming the founder of a multi-million dollar online business, all based on helping women live better, lighter lives.
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Friend, I am so glad you’re here! I’m Allie and you’re listening to The Purpose Show.
Hey friends! Because it’s so important to me that I am able to authentically be myself and I want to speak the way that I normally speak here on my podcast, you’ll find the occasional curse word in my show. So if that bothers you or it’s not something that you want your kids to hear, grab your headphones.
In the show you’ll also find some episodes with adult themes, just things that are a little bit too mature or hard to process for young ears. So, in general, headphones might be a good idea. I love you guys. I’m glad you’re here and enjoy this episode.
Hello, my loves! Welcome to The Purpose Show! We are going to have a quick chat about judgment. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and I thought it would be a great conversation for us to have here.
So, recently there was a situation, a specific thing, that I noticed and the weirdest thing happened. I was feeling judgmental of my husband, Brian. I was thinking about something that he was doing in his life or not doing in his life, and I was so annoyed by it that it put me in a bad mood.
It bugged me. And I started thinking all these judgemental thoughts about him like, Why doesn’t he do it like this? Why wouldn’t he do it like that? I started, accidentally, going down this mental path of judgment about him.
And the weirdest thing happened. As I was doing that I almost felt like I came up out of my own mind, saw myself, witnessed myself having these judgemental thoughts about him. I noticed this area of his life that I’m judging him is the same area in my own life that I have not been doing well.
I’ve not been taking care of myself. I’ve been feeling really off. I’ve not been doing what I know is going to really be the right thing for me to do in this area of my life. I was unhappy with myself in that same area.
And I had this weird moment (I don’t know if I’m making it sound as epiphanous as it felt) where my brain was divided into two parts. There was a part of my brain that was having all these negative, judgemental thoughts about him. And then another part that was seeing myself, watching myself have these judgemental thoughts and noticing, Wow, that is super judgemental. It’s ironic because this is literally you. He is mirroring you to yourself and you’re judging him. But really you’re not; you’re really judging yourself.
It hit me that this is what is always happening all the time. I think it’s very common and normal to feel judgemental of your spouse or partner because we’re in close proximity and in so many ways they do mirror us. We’re all mirroring each other.
If you haven’t read the book Mindful Loving by Henry Grayson. I will link it in show notes for you guys. You must read it. It is really talking about that.
Anyway, I decided, Okay, I’m really judging myself. What’s the solution here? I’m really not happy with this area of my life and I don’t like the way that I’m handling it. I don’t like the way that I’m living in this way. It just doesn’t feel aligned with me. It doesn’t feel good. I’ve just been putting it off and making excuses. And then here Brian is putting it off, making excuses in his own life and I’m judging him so harshly, because that is literally how I feel about myself.
And I just decided that it was such an epiphany, such a moment, and I was gonna take this and run with it. I decided to focus on myself and work on that same area of my own life for myself. And wouldn’t you know it? Within a month or two, the judgment that I felt about Brian shifted and he had changed nothing.
It just shifted. I felt empathy. It’s been a few more months since then and, surprise, surprise, he has been talking to me about this area of his life, asking me how I feel about that in my own life. If we just leave people alone and let them be on their own journey, things always work out.
He’s been talking to me and sharing his struggle, sharing what’s been going through his mind with this and how he wants to not be that way anymore. He’s been making his own shifts in his own timing because I didn’t harp on it. I just focused on myself because, really, that was my issue. I was just projecting it to him.
And it worked. I shifted how I felt about both of us by realizing what the real problem was, leaving him the eff alone, not nagging or pointing out a flaw constantly, and realizing that the real root of my unhappiness is that I’m not doing this for myself.
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I do certain things and I feel like I do them really well. And Brian (in my opinion, right? It’s only my little opinion, my perception. It’s not actually a fact; It’s my perception) doesn’t do them as good as me or he doesn’t do it the right way according to Allie, which is the ultimate authority on how to do everything…Not!
And it’s not directly mirrored. I have found since this moment a few months ago that even if it’s not directly, there are things that I feel like I’m doing well and he’s not. In some way there is something that I don’t do well, that I don’t do right according to someone else—Brian or whoever. So in some way, it’s a mirror. Does that make sense?
I’ve been deciding to try this every time I judged Brian, which if we’re honest is a lot, because again, living in close proximity, we’re together all the time. Marriage. This happens with other people too, not just spouses.
The level of projection and how common it is to notice something about somebody else before you notice it about yourself. What is that expression, that Bible verse, “You are looking at the speck in your brother’s eye when you have a log in your own.”
We’re just mirroring each other all the time. I thought I would share that and just encourage you to try it. Next time you feel judgment about your partner or your spouse, check in and see if this is in any way true. Maybe it’s actually you that does this.
Maybe not in the same area of life or in the exact same way, but is there anywhere in your life that you are judging yourself or you could be judged by this person? Well, he doesn’t do this the way that I want him to do it.
Well, you don’t do things the way that he wants you to do it, or the way that this person wants you to do it. Or you think it’s the right way to do it, but is it? Because it’s just your perception and that’s so much weaker than fact.
Just some food for thought. Food for thought. When you’re feeling judgmental, instead of looking at the other person, look within.
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Thank you for tuning in. If you would like to learn more from me, how I can help you, how you can implement the things we talk about here on The Purpose Show, leaning more into making life simpler, better and more abundant in the best ways, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, online programs and other resources to help you create the life you really want in a very deep dive style.
I am always rooting for you, friend. I will see you next time. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
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