Sometimes we have things in our lives that keep us feeling really overwhelmed and keep us from taking control and taking action.
Maybe everything is a mess and we just feel trapped and so we do nothing. Listen, girlfriend, that is not the life we are meant to live. That is not the life you are meant to live.
We are action-taking, problem-solving women and we can bust out of that trap and that way of thinking. That’s what we’re diving into today. I want to talk with you about one really specific piece of being an action taker.
In This Episode Allie Discusses:
Taking ownership over your life
Mentioned in this Episode:
Courses (Use the code PURPOSESHOW for 10% off!)
Mom life. We are surrounded with the message that it’s the tired life. The no-time-for-myself life. The hard life. And while it is hard and full of lots of servitude, the idea that motherhood means a joyless life is something I am passionate about putting a stop to. I’m on a mission to help you stop counting down the minutes till bedtime, at least most days. I want you to stop cleaning up after your kid’s childhood and start being present for it. Start enjoying it. I believe in John 10:10 “that we are called to abundant life” and I know mothers are not excluded from that promise. Join me in conversations about simplicity, minimalism and lots of other good stuff that leads to a life of less for the sake of enjoying more in your motherhood. I’m Allie Casazza and this is The Purpose Show.
Hi friends! Welcome to The Purpose Show! We are going to be action-taking, problem-solving women again today. That’s my favorite thing to talk to you about.
I want to dive into one really specific piece of being an action-taker, and also dive into the feelings that we sometimes have that keep us feeling really overwhelmed and from taking action because we feel like everything is a mess and so we do nothing. And that is the opposite of being an action-taker and it is easy to get stuck in that trap. And I want to help you bust out of it.
There was an episode that I recorded, I think it was called How To Be An Action-Taking, Problem-Solving Woman. That’s become a phrase that I’ve coined because it’s the mindset that I learned to have when I was a stay-at-home mom and I had to figure something out.
Something had to give, something had to change because I was just feeling like a victim. I was feeling like, “Woe is me. Things are so hard. My husband is gone all the time.”
My husband, Brian, worked crazy, crazy hours. He was gone so much. Things were really hard. We had no money and I felt so lonely and isolated. It was a lot of negative things and I found myself being trapped. The more I focused on what I didn’t have, the more I focused on the negative and the things that were hard, the more of those things that I received in my life.
When I focused on how I had no help, I felt like I lost even more help. I lost the little bit of help that I did have in my life. When I would focus on how hard it was to be with the kids from the early morning hours to late at night by myself, it felt even harder.
I didn’t know this then, but that’s just a law of the way the world works. It’s the law of the universe. You get what you think. You get more of what you’re putting out there. I would not only think these things, but say them. I would say them to my husband, my friends, my mom. I would talk all the time about how hard everything was and then be like, “Why is it getting harder?”
I didn’t know that back then, but I did realize at one point, “You know, something’s got to give here. I’ve got to take control over what I can control because there is so much else that I can’t control.” And I decided to just take ownership of my life, which that’s just kind of my personality. I’m a go-getter and I realize that’s a little bit more natural for me. But still, even if it’s not as natural for you, it’s no excuse, right? No excuses, just action.
And so, I took ownership over the pieces of my life that I felt I could control. And what I realized as I began to do that is that there were actually way more things in my life that I had control over than I was realizing before. As I began to take ownership, take control of my life and change things, I realized that there were things in my life that I actually did have control over that I had previously written off as, “Well, that’s just not something that I can control. I can only control myself and that’s it.”
Well, true, but in changing the way I spoke, I saw my life shift. In changing the way I think, I saw my life shift. In changing the way I talked to my kids, I saw them shift. I began to slowly change so many different things and really realize, “Oh my gosh, there’s so many things I basically have control over.” Even if it’s not direct, it’s indirect control, and that’s still control.
I’m not saying to pursue being a super controlling person and have your claws grasped tightly around every single thing—actually the opposite. But just don’t be a victim and say, “Well, I didn’t do this to myself. I’m just living this life and I’m just a victim of my circumstances. And that’s it.”
Look at what you can take control over. That’s what being an action- taking, problem-solving woman is really all about.
Since that time in my life when I really began to pursue this, there’s been so many pieces of this that have developed.
One thing that I want to share with you is something that I got a question about the other day on Instagram and it sparked this in me because I was just talking about this with my friend, Kendra, when we were together. She came out to California for her vacation and we were talking about this.
Remember I’m speaking from experience. It’s not like I got a question about this on Instagram and I’m going to preach at you because you’re so dumb and you need me to. This is for me too.
Sometimes we feel so heavy. There’s so much that is messy. Have you ever had one of those times where you just feel like everything is crap? You have been feeling really gross, puffy, bloated, overweight, heavy and not yourself because you’ve been eating really junky foods and not taking care of yourself. You’re not moving your body. You’re not yourself. You have been snapping at your kids a lot more often than usual. Maybe it’s even all day, every day seemingly. You’re just not the mom you want to be.
Your relationship—if you’re married, your marriage is not where you want it to be. You’ve been bickering a lot. Date night keeps slipping. You’re just not in a place that you want to be. It seems like every time you get together you argue. Financially, things are really messy and stressful. You feel like you’re constantly trying to stretch things to make ends meet or you’re just not meeting the goals that you have. Everything can at once feel like it is falling apart. Everything needs attention.
And so, sometimes, like this woman on Instagram asked me, “I’m listening to your content about becoming an action-taker and I want to do that. I so get it, but I just feel like I don’t know where to start. Not even really that, not even just where to start, but what do I even do when everything is seemingly falling apart and I know that there’s pieces here that I can control, but I just don’t know which thing to pick because it’s all a mess?” She said she felt dumb. And I don’t like that she felt like that, but I liked that she said it like that because I relate to that.
I go there too. I go to the place of like, “God, I can’t even do this. I can’t even get it together.” Everything’s falling apart at once and it just feels like you’re piled underneath this big stack of your mess that you made. You feel like you’re not good enough to have it together, so you just have this giant pile of crap in your life that you need to sift through and you don’t even know where to start.
If you are there right now, girl, please just take a deep breath with me. Let’s do it together. Seriously, it is going to be okay. You are not bad at this. Beautiful, beautiful friend, please know you are not bad at this. You are not dumb. You are not too far gone. You’re just overwhelmed. Everybody gets here at some point. It’s okay.
What matters is what we do about it and that’s where I come in. I’m right here with you, digitally and imaginarily (whatever, that’s not a word) giving you a hug, a squeeze. I’m looking at your face. I’m looking you right in the eyes and I’m saying, “We’ve got this. Take a deep breath. You’re not bad at this. We’re going to work through this together. I’m here. I am your support. That is literally why I started this podcast. I’m here with you. I am here for you. You’re not alone.”
Do you get that? Wherever you are, wherever you live, whatever state or country, wherever you are right now, whether you’re sitting, standing, driving, washing dishes or picking a booger out of a kid’s nose. Whatever you’re doing right now, you are not alone.
I am right here with you and I’m thinking about all of you. I am thinking about you. You are not by yourself. There is a girl in Southern California recording in an office right now, drinking green juice and tying her hair back who is on your side and is creating content to support you because I love you and I love your motherhood. I want to see you thrive. I want to see you get better.
Guys, this is what so many of you have been waiting for months and months for me to say. Twice a year I open my program, Unburdened, up to everyone for enrollment. Unburdened is my program that lightens your load in life by taking you through my four-step framework that I designed myself.
First, we set boundaries for you with your phone and technology, for you in every area of your life, and with other people because you cannot say ‘yes’ to everything. You have to say ‘no’ to some things and this will help you make space for what matters.
Then we take ownership of your time. We clear your calendar clutter. We create your ideal day. You set up daily and weekly rhythms that will keep the things on your to-do list happening on autopilot so you don’t have to put so much brainwork into everything.
Then we implement a plan for super doable self-care, not cliche, over-the-top self-care, but realistic-for-moms self-care because you cannot give your family water if your well is all dried up.
Then we get purposeful in your day today because how we spend our days is how we spend our lives. So we need to get intentional and have some vision in our days.
Unburdened is a course for becoming an action-taking, problem-solving woman. This is where mindset shifts happen and so much good comes out.
You will not come out the other side of this course the same person that you currently are.
I am so proud of this program. It’s really simple and really powerful.
The doors are open until Thursday night, March 26th, 2020 at midnight Pacific time. So, Thursday night, March 26th, 2020 at midnight Pacific time.
Go and get in! It is so worthwhile.
It’s discounted right now and it’s available. Normally it’s not even available. So go, go, go! What are you waiting for?
It’s here! Go get in there and let’s make some serious changes!
So when you have that feeling that I just described, what do you do? Well this is what you do.
First of all, we’re going to rewind and kind of go back to what I talked about in the action-taking, problem-solving woman episode and we’re going to just recap really quick.
I talked about the idea of brain dumping and it sounds like a gross term, but it is what it sounds like. You get all the yuck out of your brain and onto a piece of paper so that it’s not holding power over you anymore. It’s not this big mysterious cloud, this dark cloud that you feel in your head just clogging you up. You’re giving it a name. You’re defining it. You’re putting it on a piece of paper and getting it out of your head and onto that piece of paper. And there’s power in that.
So you brain dump out what the problems are. Think like, “Why do I feel like this right now? What are the problems?” And write down everything from the most embarrassing, basic thing that you hope no one finds out to the deep stuff, the big stuff. Start wherever your mind goes.
There was a time recently where I was doing this for myself and I literally was just like, “Nope. Everything sucks. I’m done. I hate this. Everything is done. I cannot keep going like this.” It was just a really busy season in my life. I was planning a huge launch for the business while also working on the backend on a new course.
I said, “Yes,” to too many things. I was helping with stuff with other people. I just needed to pare down and I didn’t, and it caught up with me.
I was eating badly. My hormone disorder was flaring up. I was feeling really crappy. My moods were crazy. It was affecting my relationships. I just wasn’t doing great.
I wrote down literally the first thing that came to my mind, “I am so bloated. I can’t even close my jeans. I feel so gross.” I just started there because that’s what came to my mind first. But that’s not really a problem; that’s a symptom that’s caused by the actual problem. But still I wrote it down and I got it out.
Those are the kinds of things that you’re like, “Wow, so awkward. If someone finds this paper…”
I’ve written embarrassing things about my period down before (this is so awkward; if you’re listening to this on speaker somewhere, sorry.) I’m like, “Oh my gosh. I am hemorrhaging my life away and I cannot get off this couch. I feel like I’m dying. I’m not okay. I hate Eve so much. I’m going to push her off a cloud when I get up there. This sucks.” I’ve literally written down things like that just to get it out. There is power in getting out of your head. Trust me and just try it.
So, you brain dump out all the problems from the most menial, embarrassing things to the deeper things like, “My marriage is not okay. My marriage is not okay and I’m not happy with how it is.” Whatever it is for you. Get it all out on paper.
Then on the other side of the paper, you start to brainstorm solutions. Pick one, pick the bloated one. If that’s your only problem, what can you do about that? And then start to write out solutions, just possible solutions. Like, “Well, I need to drink more water. I haven’t drank water in five days. Maybe I can have a freaking glass of water and I’d feel better.” Things like that.
You see what I did there? Let’s just pretend that’s your real problem. You’re so bogged down by mom life, regular life, busyness—going here, being there on time, taking care of this person, taking care of that task, checking the mail, paying your bills, and all these things—that you just forget to drink water.
When you get your problem out on paper and you say, “Gosh, I just feel so bloated and I’m not myself, I’m not taking care of myself. I don’t feel good.” And then you think, “Well, what are possible solutions to this?” And you realize, “Oh my gosh, I’m not drinking any freaking water. I am a person. I need water. “
You see what you’re doing? You’re giving space for your mind to process and for you to realize this is so much simpler than it felt when it was all bundled up in a big, dark cloud in my head. You see what I did there? There’s so much power in that.
But this is the part that I want to dive deeper into today. When you’re writing that list out, it can still feel like, “Well wait though…I’ve got my problems brain-dumped out. I’ve got some solutions written on the other side of the paper, but I still feel like, “What do I do? Which thing do I do? This is a lot. I can’t do all of this right now.”
I want to dive into that with you today. When you look at that piece of paper, I want you to find the things that might be related to each other. So, going back to the example that we’ve been talking about—not taking care of yourself and feeling really bloated—are you self-sabotaging? Are you sabotaging something?
Maybe your marriage has been really great and you’ve accidentally self-sabotaged by making yourself unhealthy and feeling really bloated so that you will avoid intimacy with your husband? Maybe he hurt your feelings and you’ve been doing avoiding it for that reason—sabotaging your relationship further.
Is there something that you’ve been feeling guilty about? Things are going well. Maybe you’ve enrolled in Your Uncluttered Home , you worked through that course and you got your entire house decluttered in a few weeks and you’re feeling really good. You’re feeling like a great mom. Your house is easy to maintain. And then all the moms at preschool pickup are talking about how hard everything is and how everything is such a crap show, or somebody made fun of you for having a clean house.
That happens to me. That’s happened to multiple friends who we’ve talked to about this before, including Kendra, who runs Mother Like A Boss, and does kind of a similar job to me. We talk about this all the time. People make fun that we live this way because it brings up something in them.
Maybe somebody does something like that to you. And so you’re sabotaging by bringing yourself down in another area of your life. This is human behavior. It’s not “out there” or insane to think that. It’s human behavior to self-sabotage.
Where are the connections? Maybe you don’t really know why you’re doing something or why something happened, but you notice, “Well I’ve been feeling really crappy physically. I’ve just not been myself. I feel like I am just really sickly. I don’t have energy. I’m really puffy. I don’t feel good, and my marriage is feeling like this, and I’ve been snapping at my kids.” Well anyone who doesn’t feel good and forgets to drink water and to eat protein would feel like that and act like that, so do you see those are all connected?
Once you find the things that might be connected, which one of them is the root cause? Think about that, look at your list and question that. And you know what? It doesn’t even really matter if you figure out which one is the root. I don’t want you to get into a ‘chicken and egg’ situation or debate with yourself which one came first. But find which one is the root that could help the other things? Which domino will make all the other ones fall over, right? That’s the question to ask.
If you drink water, make yourself a really healthy dinner, and go for a long walk after the kids are in bed, will you feel better? Will that affect the way you talk to the kids in the morning? Will that affect the way you are with your husband tonight? Will that affect the way you feel, your moods? Yeah, of course it will. If you take care of yourself, you’re going to feel better.
Do you see how we found a root and we dove into that? I want to challenge you – if you’re in a place where either everything or just one thing or a couple things in your life feel really heavy, messy, and like they’re not going well. If you’ve just been like, “I feel frustrated. I feel discouraged. I don’t really know what to do though, and I just don’t even have the brain calories to think about what to do” – let me be your brain calories and tell you.
Brain dump your problems out on a piece of paper. Come up with some possible solutions on the other side and then look at all of these things and ask yourself, “What is the one thing I can choose to really dive into and really just fix that would affect all the other things? What one thing can I bring some solution to and really breathe life into for myself that would change the other things?”
If you’re yelling at your kids all the time, you’re not going to have a very good day at work. You’re not going to feel good about anything. You’re not going to want to take care of yourself because you feel crappy about yourself. Deal with the root. There’s always a root.
I want to challenge you to get those things that are making you feel heavy out of your head and onto a piece of paper so that they lose their power over you. And then look and ask which ones are connected, which ones are affecting each other, and which one is the root? Which one is the first one I can knock down to knock over all the others?
This is such a simple exercise. So much power. I’m going to challenge you—take five minutes today and do this. Sit in your car for an extra 5-15 minutes and work through this on your phone notes. Get a piece of paper, or the back of a bill, and write this out. Work through this.
The other thing I want to tell you is this right here, what we just did, this is the kind of stuff that I teach in Unburdened. And I’m telling you, girl, this course only opens up once, sometimes twice a year. It’s time! We’re opening it up. It’s time to get in there!
We work through things like this in every main area of your life. The way you spend your morning. The way you spend your day. The way you spend your evening and nighttime. How you’re preparing for your week (or not for some of you). Your boundaries in relationships and toxic people. Your self-care, your health and wellness.
We troubleshoot and problem-solve in such a simple, perspective-shifting way. You do not come out of the other side of this course the same person. You have a handbook for just rocking your life and feeling so good about it. I want to help you do that.
Unburdened is open and I want to get you in there!
I want you to go to alliecasazza.com/unburdened and I want you to check it out! I want to see you in there!
If this was helpful to you, oh my gosh girl, this is like scratching-the-surface. It’s barely the tip of the iceberg that we just scraped with our fingernail compared to what Unburdened will do for you.
So, if you liked this kind of stuff and this was helpful for you, go and get in there! I would love to see you in there! I would love to help you!
I am here to serve you and support you, but I cannot make you say, “Yes,” and I cannot make you show up.
But I hope you realize how valuable you are, how precious you are. That your life was formed on purpose. That you were chosen out of every woman who’s ever lived in any generation or era to be sitting or standing right where you are right now. To be the mother to your kids. To live the life that you’re living. And it matters.
Don’t you dare buy into the hot-mess-mom culture that says it’s all a crap show. It’s totally chaotic.
We don’t not take ownership or just play the victim to our circumstances, joke about it to try to make ourselves feel better because everything sucks. No! You are made for a purpose!
You are an action-taking, problem-solving, amazing, stunning woman! You are made for more than mediocre. You are made for more than to just maintain the mundane and make it till bedtime.
Hot-mess-mom culture is basically just always waiting for the next time your kids are asleep. We all have our days like that, but that’s not where we belong. That’s not where we need to stay. Absolutely not. That is so ridiculous. No! Take ownership of your life.
Realize your power. Realize how much you have control over. Just make some simple changes and tweaks, and let me guide you in doing that, let me support you in that way. Show up for yourself, whether that means enrolling in a course or not, just do it for yourself and for your family. Show up! Ask questions. Make changes that need to be made. Don’t buy into that “victim to circumstances” mentality.
All right. I love you. I’m here to support you.
I hope to see you in Unburdened! alliecasazza.com/unburdened
Go and be action takers! Take pictures if you’re comfortable. Show me your journals. Show me what you’re working through. I want to see!
I do this all the time and I love seeing people practicing this exercise because it’s so empowering! I would love to see it! Tag me on social media.
Love you guys! Good luck!
This was an episode of The Purpose Show. Did you know there is an exclusive community created solely for the purpose of continuing discussions surrounding The Purpose Show episodes? And to get you to actually take action and make positive changes on the things that you learn here? Go be a part of it. To join go to facebook.com/groups/purposefulmamas.
Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are ready to uplevel and really take action on the things I talk about on my show, and get step-by-step help from me, head to alliecasazza.com. There are free downloads, courses, classes, and ways to learn more about what the next step might look like for you and to focus on whatever you might need help with in whatever season you are in right now.
I am always rooting for you, friend! See ya next time!